Kicked D w/bpd out on Thanksgiving Day

[Sammy Jo]

After six months of bringing 21-year-old DD home from college for being suicidal, finally getting her moved out, and bringing her back b/c of suicide threats, I reached my limit, or rather bottom point, at the Thanksgiving dinner table today. Needless to say, nobody wanted to eat, and our other 19-year-old daughter was traumatized. I can't take the constant barrage of "Let's start over," "I'll behave today," or "I only act like this around you and Dad." All of this after treating us like garbage.

I feel like a complete failure as a Mom and the meanest person in the world. My head knows I am doing the right thing, but I am really having a hard time with it. Even after warning her for two weeks that she was nearing the breaking point.

As far as we know, she is going to the boyfriend's house, and he lives with his Dad. They are not even supposed to have another person there. We told her she could go there or to a homeless shelter. I suspect that he will break up with her soon and warned her that she will not be able to come back.

Three or four months ago we called the police and had her arrested for criminal trespass.  Then we made the mistake of softening our hearts when her previous relationship ended and she was suicidal and had nowhere to live.

I believe that BPD is a forever disease and I don't have a lot of hope for the future. I started today off with a great deal of hope and patience, and within hours, it was all over.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

 

It's so hard when you just want one day to have a nice time as a family, and you don't even get that.

Sounds like all of you could use some space to decompress.

Do you and your H and your D19 have something relaxing you can do for the rest of the day?

Thanksgiving didn't work as a family this year -- it is ok to grieve that. All of you did the best you could. It's hard that your BPDd's best isn't very functional.

I hope you can do something low stress the rest of today, and then check in with yourself tomorrow, which will be a new day with more perspective.

We aren't with the kids today either (my H's kids' mom has BPD). Hugs from one understanding family to another 

[Sammy Jo]

Thank you Kells76. The three of us are watching reruns of The Hunger Games and trying to ease our minds. She has called to make sure we were serious and now is facing reality. We've stuck to our guns. I'm so sorry 19-year-old DD is going through all this, but it had to be done. Our BPD dd did the same thing last Thanksgiving, but with all our extended family here, and that's why we kept it to just the four of us. Heartbreaking.

Thank you for your sweet understanding, and I'm thankful for your understanding:)

[kells76]

Glad you all can watch movies together and get back to baseline. Any dogs that need walking later on? Or a hike tomorrow?

Hopefully in a day or two you will find a good baseline and can use WiseMind to think about a path forward.

For now -- exhaling, whew.

Does your D19 tend to need to talk about "what happened" fairly soon after it happens? Or does she do better with moving on, then revisiting much later?

[CC43]

Sammy, I'm sorry you had a miserable holiday, precisely when we're supposed to be thankful for family and our blessings.  I can relate to your situation, having a stepdaughter who is diagnosed with BPD and is a few years older than your daughter.  We experienced many similar situations--dropping out of college several times, multiple suicide attempts, and having her move back home several times, each "homecoming" more desperate and miserable than the last one.  Holidays would usually trigger total meltdowns.  Because of prior meltdowns, I was dreading this Thanksgiving and bracing myself for a replay of the past.  In fact, certain extended family members declined our dinner invitation because of my stepdaughter's toxic behavior.  That only added to the stress of the holiday.

I'm writing now because today turned out to be wonderful.  I know I need to temper my optimism, because BPD behaviors are so challenging.  But my stepdaughter not only showed up for Thanksgiving dinner today, but she was civil and actually participated.  Maybe her therapy is starting to work.  Maybe there is some hope.  Today was the first "normal" holiday with her in a very long time.  For that I'm so thankful.  I'm just hoping that one day you will experience something similar--turning Thanksgiving from terrible to terrific.

[beatricex]

hi SammyJo,
I feel your pain in what you wrote.  You are not a bad person or a bad mom, just human.

When I get to these low points, of thinking I'm just a horrible person (cause we can and do make the tough but right decisions to say enough), I try to do the exercise which helps me to stop catastrophizing.

It goes something like this:
1) engage logical L brain
2) she said she only has this problem with us, her parents, therefore she's going to be OK
3) she has not committed suicide yet despite threatening it before
4) her boyfriend/dad's house is a safe place for her, she's not out on the street
5) if they kick her out, she's resourceful and will likely find another friend to lean on
6) I didn't create this, I can't control it...

After resetting the "reading the future worst case scenario" I now try to remember why I did the "bad deed" (set my boundary).  I picture a home free of stress, drama, conflict, it is calm, peaceful.  There's a babbling fountain out back that my husband installed for me.  Soft music, candles, it's serene.  I look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful giving kind person, who I like!

If a doubt starts creeping into my head again, I push it aside. 

7) Thanksgiving is a Hallmark holiday, some marketing geniuses made up to sell turkeys and decorations.  It's not even a "real" holiday, they don't celebrate it in Europe even!
8) My logical brain will keep me safe today, nothing bad is happening, just need to put one foot in front of the other
9) If anyone asks me how it's going, I will defect the conversation back to them, I will not engage with my friends who have "great" kids and "great" families (all families have problems) and instead I'll be curious about them. 
10) I will take this time to really listen, to be a great friend I've always wanted to be to someone else.  I will treasure my friendships, for those people have gotten me through all this
11) I will treasure my husband because he's my rock

Then I do some belly breathing (find a video on You Tube if you want the relaxing music to go along with it, there's also an app you can download on your phone that plays a cool oboe note on the "in" breathe, a different note on the "out" breath).  It's called Paced Breathing.

Put on this app and turn on the boob tube and watch football.  If nothing else the cute guys in tights are a good distraction.

 

Not sure if any of this will work for you, if it doesn't resonate, please discard if not useful.   

b

[Sammy Jo]

CC43,

I am so glad that you had the first of what I hope will be many peaceful Thanksgiving holidays. This was our second awful one. But hearing your story makes me realize that our children can change IF they want to. Right now I am being bombarded by text messages from DD "thanking" me for ruining her life. Like you, we either didn't invite close family members or had those we knew wouldn't have spent another Thanksgiving with her. In turn, we were hoping to calm the storm. I keep repeating what those wiser than me on this forum have said about me not being to blame, and I can't fix it.

It's hard not to be optimistic because that is our nature. Just enjoy the day you had yesterday and carry on:)

[Sammy Jo]

hi SammyJo,
I feel your pain in what you wrote.  You are not a bad person or a bad mom, just human.

When I get to these low points, of thinking I'm just a horrible person (cause we can and do make the tough but right decisions to say enough), I try to do the exercise which helps me to stop catastrophizing.

It goes something like this:
1) engage logical L brain
2) she said she only has this problem with us, her parents, therefore she's going to be OK
3) she has not committed suicide yet despite threatening it before
4) her boyfriend/dad's house is a safe place for her, she's not out on the street
5) if they kick her out, she's resourceful and will likely find another friend to lean on
6) I didn't create this, I can't control it...

After resetting the "reading the future worst case scenario" I now try to remember why I did the "bad deed" (set my boundary).  I picture a home free of stress, drama, conflict, it is calm, peaceful.  There's a babbling fountain out back that my husband installed for me.  Soft music, candles, it's serene.  I look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful giving kind person, who I like!

If a doubt starts creeping into my head again, I push it aside. 

7) Thanksgiving is a Hallmark holiday, some marketing geniuses made up to sell turkeys and decorations.  It's not even a "real" holiday, they don't celebrate it in Europe even!
8) My logical brain will keep me safe today, nothing bad is happening, just need to put one foot in front of the other
9) If anyone asks me how it's going, I will defect the conversation back to them, I will not engage with my friends who have "great" kids and "great" families (all families have problems) and instead I'll be curious about them. 
10) I will take this time to really listen, to be a great friend I've always wanted to be to someone else.  I will treasure my friendships, for those people have gotten me through all this
11) I will treasure my husband because he's my rock

Then I do some belly breathing (find a video on You Tube if you want the relaxing music to go along with it, there's also an app you can download on your phone that plays a cool oboe note on the "in" breathe, a different note on the "out" breath).  It's called Paced Breathing.

Put on this app and turn on the boob tube and watch football.  If nothing else the cute guys in tights are a good distraction.

 

Not sure if any of this will work for you, if it doesn't resonate, please discard if not useful.   

b

Beatricex,

This was the most helpful thing I've read in a long time. Thank you for taking the time to write it and give me a new perspective for framing my guilt when it comes. I will go back and reread this a lot!