Why are you doing this?

[zanyapple]

To all those with BPD loved ones, with all the stress and negativity they contribute to our lives, I was just curious what made you choose to keep making them a part of it? This is what I truly appreciate from this forum. While in many online forums they just advice you to go NC, I appreciate how people here are on the same boat as I am.

As for me, I truly don't know the answer. Part of it is probably because I worry about my dad. I know he chose this path for himself, but I really wish I could save him from it.

Part of it is probably also that I feel somewhat responsible for my mother because culturally, this is ingrained in us. The expectation is to be forever indebted to your parents. I think the only time it's somewhat acceptable to go NC is for "egregious" reasons - like maybe you were abandoned as a child, but blood is always thicker than water in that side of the world.

[SaltyDawg]

"F.O.G."

It all really comes down to FOG, predominantly 'obligation'.

Obligation to my children, to reverse, stop the damage my wife and I's dysfunctional relationship was having on them, choosing to stay will minimize alienation, and also maximize funding for their continuing education.

Obligation to my uBPDw, part of the vow "in SICKNESS and in health".  I want to make sure I leave no stone unturned before I leave when my youngest leaves the home in 6-7 more years.

Fear, if I were to separate, all the lies that my uBPDw believes in will be very costly financially (to disprove, an expensive high cost divorce.

My uBPDw knows she is messed up, but denies BPD, but is self-aware of all but the symptoms BPDs cannot be self-aware of (disassociation) but cannot connect the dots in the DSM 5.  However, she has been working on it in therapy, and has been getting better.  I promised her that I would not leave as long as things were getting better.  So, I am obligating myself to stay as well as guilt if I were to leave her while she was putting in good effort.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, or a small number of reasons why I am staying and navigating this mess.  Instead of 'running a tight ship', I feel as though I am 'running a tight shipWRECK'.

[Strawberry29]

This is a very nice post, and something I often ask myself lately.

There are multiple angles and I am not even sure which ones matter the most. I think mainly I try to do it because I love my brother, and I  think that, buried under all the awful things BPD "makes him do" there is essentially a good person that has had a huge shock as a child, and has genetic predisposition to a disease, and I don't want to give up on that person. I know he has done a lot of good things for us too, and I know he loved us in his own way. He's been sending me nothing other than insults and threats for almost 2 years, but I don't forget the nice little, and less little, things he did for me in the past.

Of course, at some point, you have to draw a line. The main reason why he's been like this in the past 2 years is that I drew that line, decided to stop enabling him, to not tolerate anymore every single abuse. But at times, I find myself crying, thinking about how miserable must his life be, and how proabbly nobody else is going to help him. And of course then, I start thinking "have I given up too early? Am I really a bad brother?" and all these sorts of things I am sure most people in here experienced... So there's also still a bit of that, I think...

[U.N. Owen]

Such a great question!

For a long time we didn't know what was wrong with my mom, just that she was "difficult"...so I stuck it out to help support my dad and play peacekeeper between them. After their divorce I took on the primary role of caretaker and after growing up in a very traditional family it just felt like an obligation. The truth is, like a lot of people, I felt like if I just did enough and gave into her enough I would make her happy and slowly I became the last man standing. When my dad told me he was filing for divorce I commented that the last person to leave the party has to clean up the mess. I couldn't blame him for leaving but I knew what I was facing when he did and I just kept pushing through it becasue I knew if I wasn't there it would just be her in her misery and my own guilt wouldn't let me do that. 

To answer the original question in the simplest way possible, despite of how awful she can be I do love my mom, I just don't like her very much.

[So Stressed]

I have just always wanted my uBPD mom to love me, and she says she does, but it is very conditional....conditional on me doing whatever she wants me to do when she wants it done.  And, if she doesn't approve of something in my life, she makes it hell.  I have just wanted to have a peaceful loving relationship with her, and she is old and I thought we could make it, but I don't know if we can.  The abuse just gets worse and worse, and how much more should I take?  When I set boundaries, it makes her more angry. So, I cannot answer your question. I don't know how much more abuse I can take.