Sad

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello all,
   I seem to find myself here time and.time again, that is , asking Google what options I have to a question that I already know the answer to, but that I just feel very alone with. The answers are in fact , lonely. I am both q daughter of a mother with untreated BPD and also a mother to a daughter with BPD. For the longest time, I felt like my own MH diagnoses were interdependent on my mothers. It took me a long, long time before I was able to see my mother seperate from her illness and not take the hurt of no reciprocal love personally.  The cost was heavy, is heavy  I suspect so much of who I am as a human was defined by the vile things my DNA family said about me, a mean spiritual game of telephone that always began with the one person I sought comfort from. However, mom died 4 months ago, inevitably I reached the plateau of peace few years before her death, but now, as I deal with the usual symptoms of cold winter days and my impending 50th birthday,  I am face first in the wrong place.  Why must I be here once more? I mistakenly believed separating the illness from the human was the key, but now my 23 yr old married daughter has decided,  I am guilty of something only she knows and that I am not allowed in her life and it hurts. This cycle began sometime within the last year. I was never a perfect mom, but I am trying to educate myself into trying to help us both in the best possible way and I am clueless. Help.Thank you for letting me share .

[Jinspired*hope23]

Hello all,
   I seem to find myself here time and.time again, that is , asking Google what options I have to a question that I already know the answer to, but that I just feel very alone with. The answers are in fact , lonely. I am both q daughter of a mother with untreated BPD and also a mother to a daughter with BPD. For the longest time, I felt like my own MH diagnoses were interdependent on my mothers. It took me a long, long time before I was able to see my mother seperate from her illness and not take the hurt of no reciprocal love personally.  The cost was heavy, is heavy  I suspect so much of who I am as a human was defined by the vile things my DNA family said about me, a mean spiritual game of telephone that always began with the one person I sought comfort from. However, mom died 4 months ago, inevitably I reached the plateau of peace few years before her death, but now, as I deal with the usual symptoms of cold winter days and my impending 50th birthday,  I am face first in the wrong place.  Why must I be here once more? I mistakenly believed separating the illness from the human was the key, but now my 23 yr old married daughter has decided,  I am guilty of something only she knows and that I am not allowed in her life and it hurts. This cycle began sometime within the last year. I was never a perfect mom, but I am trying to educate myself into trying to help us both in the best possible way and I am clueless. Help.Thank you for letting me share .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Jinspired*hope 23
Thank you for sharing. What a tough journey you have been on! I can only imagine how you must feel because it would seem as though you are destined to go round the cycle again - the cycle of pain and emotional abuse - only this time it is coming via the next generation.

First of all by coming here you can feel not so alone. People here have been affected by/had to cope with a family member who functions via the complex mechanisms of a BPD brain - whether the BPD person is the parent, the child, sibling etc.

We can feel so alone on this journey. Knowing there are others in the world - and many people in fact - who completely understand the effect this relationship has on us.

The other point is that we don't have to be defined by either our genetics or our environment. I am not saying these are minor in our development and our being. We all go through life stages and challenges - and we can impact who we are by taking different directions along the way.

I know 50 seems a milestone. But honestly it can be the age when you can reflect on what your life has been and what you want it to be in the future. You will need skills to cope with the situation with your dd - you probably have developed these already. If not there is lots of information about BPD so we can understand it and know how to care for ourselves while dealing with the crises that are inevitably part of the journey with a BPD loved one.

But don't let BPD define you. Life is too short. Your loved dd is part of your life, but you can still take some steps to move into a stage of life - one that can nourish and support you - and this can help you in all aspects of your life.

You love your dd and going through this is very painful and sad. But the gift of your own life is precious and 50 might just be the age to gently take a step in a new direction.

I worked with an experienced counsellor at one time in my life. I often remember him saying 'the most important factors for change are insight and experience'.
 
I think he was very wise. Once we have insight, we need different experiences that can help us change the way we think about the world and our place in it. It can be challenging to do this, but it is the start of a journey that can help us  become ourselves - not who we became through our circumstances.

Thank you for posting . . .