My mom is in my life a lot - mostly because I love my dad so much. But she’s so incredibly self-centered and exhausting, and dysregulated most of the time. Since I was a kid she’s treated me like her therapist - she dumps all over me, or shares endlessly about her life. Sometimes I play a game where I see how many days she can go without asking me a question. I am there to bear witness to her life. It took me years to get her to stop talking badly about my father to me. She’s incredibly jealous of his relationship with me and my siblings.
Welcome! I think probably all of us here can relate to this to some level. I have lots of thoughts to share after my own experiences, but they may/may not be helpful to you. If not helpful, feel free to ignore!
One thing I have learned that is common to people with BPD is they have "no emotional skin". They also expect their children to be their caretakers in every way. This is a role reversal because they are supposed to be the parent.
The most exhausting is the emotional caretaking, because it is never enough (because they are also narcissists), it is never good enough, the the drama and chaos they create has no end game because it's part of their personality.
This is not to say it is bad 100% of the time, as there can be some ok or good times too. The problem is we never know when Hyde will appear, and when s/he does, (speaking for myself here) they say/scream things that are hurtful, vengeful, and can't be unsaid. They also have no capacity to be accountable for their behavior, and acknowledge they make mistakes or hurt others. So even when Jekyll is present, we are adapted to be apprehensive, because of the fear we have of Hyde, who appears unexpectedly sometimes.
Since I landed on this site 4 years ago, I have learned a lot. One of many important things I have learned is that it is not my "job" to take care of my mom's feelings, and always make her "feel" better. Her feelings are hers to own and deal with. Mine are mine to own and deal with. They are not the same feelings, nor should they be. I had to actually learn that, thanks to many good people on this site pointing it out to me. It was a process to "individuate" from my mother, who is 87, frail, living in her own home (refusing assisted living), and a "waif". Thanks to all those people (who were often quite blunt with me), I was able to learn, and make progress in how I managed my mom's behavior.
So to get back to your quote above, my suggestions would be:
- stop being her therapist. This is not your job. When she starts up, respond with a question: "what are you going to do?" "What do you think?"
Put the ball (the responsibility) back in her court. I think it was Zachira who once suggested researching "motivational interviewing" (MI) techniques to me. I invested some time learning and internalizing that. It is worth it. Another source is this website - under "ask validating questions". There are some good examples on this website. There might be some push back in the beginning since you are changing the "game". But we cannot be responsible for making them "feel better" or solving "their problems". They are adults. And nobody should be expected to solve someone elses problems or make them feel better other than themselves, unless they are babies, children, mentally or physically incapacitated etc.
I am there to bear witness to her life.
They treat us as their therapists because we allow it to happen (generally because we are good people and care and want to help, and they "groom" us to do this for them). The problem is, they don't help themselves, so they just keep using (and abusing) us. Unless we change this pattern up, it will never stop, and may only get worse as they age. So it's up to us to change the pattern. This site has some great info and strategies on "boundaries".
For example, my mom, the waif, expected me to clean her house, and my husband to do her gardening when it didn't suit her to do it any more. We had jobs, kids, and many other responsibilities including our own house and yard. Eventually when we didn't do it, she found a housecleaner, and a gardener. She also wanted me to do her baths (she had to find someone to pay to do this for her), wash her hair (she found a hairdresser who would come to her house), blah blah blah. In the beginning, I actually tried, but knew it wasn't going to work. The more I did for her, and the more "contact" we had, the worse she treated me. It was awful, and I had to seek a therapist. So, my advice is when your pwBPD starts asking, answer with validating questions or use MI to put the ball back in her court. "How can you ask around to find someone to help you with your housecleaning?" They are a lot more resourceful than we think they are. We need to give them the chance to figure it out for themselves.
It took me years to get her to stop talking badly about my father to me.
When my mom did this at my house, I asked her to stop. Her engine was already revved and she had no ability to check herself. So I left the room and went into my bedroom at the other end of the house and locked the door. She stormed out of the house and slammed the door so hard the house shook. Another time, at her house, when she started and wouldn't stop after I asked her to, I simply left the house as she was yelling mid sentence.
Natural consequences is the only way they learn.
If there is nobody there to listen to them, they will stop.
Reasoning doesn't work. Explaining doesn't work. Arguing doesn't work. Defending ourselves doesn't work. All those things do is escalate their emotions because they feel invalidated by whatever we say.
This Christmas, mom started bad mouthing a life long friend that had come to visit and brought her a gift of shortbread. I put my hand up in a "stop" position, and simply said in a quiet voice "enough. I'm not listening to you say bad things about someone who kindly brought you a gift". Then I quickly changed the subject. If she hadn't stopped, I would have checked the time on my phone, and suddenly had to leave.
We’ve had some major blowups over the years. All involve her intense emotional (sometimes physical) outbursts directed at me, with me fawning and desperately trying to repair.
Why do you feel it is your job to "repair"? Why do you keep doing this? What has she learned by you doing this? What can you do to change this pattern?
I get it. I used to be exactly where you are now. Feeling bad. Feeling intense guilt. Wanting to get past those terrible feelings by doing whatever it took to make her feel better. It's a dangerous cycle. It only gets worse as they age unless we change the game.
Somewhere on this website, is a phrase that stopped me in my tracks the first time I read it, and has stayed with me ever since.
"Before it can get better, we have to stop making it worse."
So my question is how do I deal with her in conversations where I’m expected to listen endlessly?
How can you change up this pattern? She expects this
because you keep listening. What can you try to change the conversations to be more mutually interesting and engaging for you, rather than just exhausting?
Im afraid of her response if I say anything about my feelings and I don’t want to manage another meltdown.
Definitely do
not talk about your feelings. This cannot be productive or end well. She will twist and manipulate this to boomerang back at you in a chaotic way.
My personal belief is that the only way we can nudge better behavior from them is to change our own. We can't "tell" them anything. We have to "show" by changing our own behavior through:
- boundaries
- ask validating questions (use MI)
- use SET when appropriate
- never JADE
At the top of this list is SELF-CARE. Especially when they are emotionally dysregulating. Hobbies? Nature? Meditation? Physical Activity? What works best when you are in a place when you need to look after yourself?
Lastly, let them learn to "SELF SOOTHE". It is our job to give them the opportunity to learn to self - soothe. It is not our job to "fix their feelings".
Just my thoughts.
