My isolated and abused sister (her husband w/BPD)

[WishIwasNora]

I realize not all with Borderline Personality Disorder are abusive, but my brother-in-law, who has the disorder, is. He's verbally and psychologically abused my sister for the last 40 years, and my nephews all of their lives. My youngest nephew died at only 24 by suicide some years ago. Both nephews are/were on the autism spectrum. My sister has had lifelong issues with low self-esteem. Perfect targets for abuse. My youngest nephew rebelled the most, so took the brunt of it towards the end. Extreme harassment!

My sister's and my mother died about 18 years ago of cancer. Our father and brother both died this past spring. As I had moved to Europe about three years ago, my sister was assigned the "executrix" of both our father's and brother's wills. However, it's been my b-i-l calling all of the shots. She told me he badgers her about it all, ordering her what to do, and demonizing me, near everyday and most of his waking hours. Our father and brother weren't even buried before he repeatedly pushed her into lies and obfuscation, and offering out expensive belongings of our father to neighbors and distant relatives, without consulting with me (beneficiary of 50%). When I fought against this habit, and tried to fend off the typical "vultures" that show up after many deaths, I was again "demonized" and made into an enemy. He took full control over her. Has always controlled her. She's used that word about him.

There were several communications to me that were shocking in their tone. I told my sister that they were in "HIS" voice and not hers. I know my sister's voice, for goodness sake! I assume he dictated those. I suspected early on that he was reading all of our communications. She indirectly confirmed that the second time I pressed her on it. She can never talk to me without him listening in. At times, she would tell me she'd call from her car "for privacy". At one point, she sent me an email from a new email address, saying to "only send more 'personal' communications to that one. Soon after, even that one was clearly discovered. Whatsapp, the same. Then on her birthday in early December, there was an unexpected and unprovoked coldness. I had hired a lawyer a while before. No, I had no trust of my sister, because she was ruled by the husband. My lawyer stated they had wanted me to sign a type of waiver, created by "their" lawyer, giving up all my rights to question anything done by "the executrix". Soon after my father's death, they had pressured me into a buy me out of part of my inheritance (some land) for a ridiculously low price. When I objected to the amount, I was again the subject of an anger campaign from my b-i-l. As a beneficiary, I am entitled to receive certain types of information. It was never sufficiently provided, and then it basically stopped. I was kept totally out of the loop until I hired my own attorney. No reaction from my "sister's voice" was ever hostile. Only when it was "his voice". I wished her Merry Christmas via Whatsapp, because any video calls seemed to be forbidden. I received no response from her, though my texts were read. No greetings at New Years, either. It's mid January...still nothing. I had even looked back at the correspondence with her in November, and nothing would have inspired this silence. Some of the last emails were her profusely thanking me for something. The second to last was an eerie "You can trust me." I confess, I didn't even respond to that. I feel almost at war with my b-i-l. This is all while my sister and I are still grieving the loss of the rest of our family...except each other.

My b-i-l has isolated my sister and remaining nephew from everyone. They have zero friends and aren't even close to his remaining family. My parents never said anything much, when alive. My b-i-l came to maybe two or three holiday dinners in 40 years. He always had "the flu", which became a running joke. Once even sending a picture of a thermometer reading and my sister backed him up. Thinking us stupid?!?! Yes, my parents never really aided her, because of secrecy. Not even when my sister actually once took her youngest son (strangely not the eldest) to a shelter for the abused after he shoved a gun in his mouth in front of my youngest nephew, who was maybe 8, at the time. Threatening to kill himself as a manipulation. Lots of manipulation! Lots of "Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Don't leave me!" and extreme expressions of love and adoration, soon followed by abuse again. And even later convincing her it was actually HER fault. When my sister went to that shelter, all that did was make him stop drinking, an act that brought her back (with my nephew). In recent years, he's back on the bottle. He "retired" from his job nearly 20 years ago, at about 42 years old. He does NOTHING but bellow out orders and abuse, even when my sister was still working. Since she's been retired, she doesn't even have the job as a means of escape. The house is a hoard, which she's not permitted to clean up. They built their house about 35 years ago, yet b-i-l decided to never put doors on the kitchen cabinets or finish trim on any of the windows. He vowed he would "after his father died", another abuser, but it's been about 10 years since the death. Still no doors. She's not permitted to pay for it to be done. She's grown resigned to her situation.

One of the last things my beloved youngest nephew said to me, was that his father told him he was "ugly". I told my sister this the last time I was in the US, to which she anxiously (and almost sickeningly dutifully) barked "He was only kidding!" I said nothing. No good father says that to their child. Our father certainly never would have. My b-i-l surely knows he's partly responsible for my nephew's suicide. The week after his tragic passing, b-i-l somehow convinced my sister that it was "inevitable". That's the word she parroted. I was in shock, but said nothing because she was a grieving mother.

I certainly hope that when the absolute hell of the inheritance stuff is over, that my sister contacts me again. I am in agony that her abusive husband was allowed to abuse (and control) me, in a sense! I love my sister. She called me "one of the most important people to her" only a few weeks before the silence. I want her in my life, but it's hard to fight against her husband. He has always refused therapeutic help. Only occasionally takes an antidepressant, which probably does little good. I, myself, have a major mental illness (bipolar disorder type 1). I can commiserate with a person who has a different one, but I, unlike him, am not an abuser. I also accept full treatment. I learned that acceptance, and efforts to stop (or at least curb) the symptoms with treatment, COUNT!

[SaltyDawg]

WishIwasNora,



We are here to listen to you and emotionally support you.

I have read what you have written, and I am very concerned for your sister and nephew.

Since you mentioned the EU and the US, I am assuming you are in the EU somewhere, and your BIL, sister & nephew are in the US.  If you are concerned about your sister's safety, perhaps find the local non-emergency number to the communication center (same as if your sister was to dial 911) where your sister is living and ask them to do a 'wellness check' on her - it will tick off your BIL, at least you will know your sister is okay or can get the needed resources.

When there is an inheritance, BPD's, but if he also has ASPD/NPD tendencies on the cluster-B spectrum of PD's it can get really bad, really quick especially since you mentioned he has already threatened by putting a gun in your nephew's mouth.  If he has done this, your BIL is capable of pulling the trigger.

Alternatively, you could plan an extended visit back to the states until this is all sorted out.  If you are a US citizen living abroad, perhaps contact your the congressman/senator where your sister lives, or consider returning for a visit until this is resolved and help your sister out (with precautions, a safety plan in place).

I suspect you are at your wits end by reaching out here, be sure to try and do self-care so you have more energy to deal with this extreme drama with your sister whom I know you care greatly for.

Take care.

Come back and let us know if we can be of more emotional assistance to you.

SD

[WishIwasNora]

Thanks for your response, SaltyDawg! It's sort of hard to have a wellness check since my sister accepts the abuse, and it's verbal and psychological abuse, rather than physical. I think she almost has a type of Stockholm Syndrome, of sorts. Given this, no wellness check would yield help for her. It would only serve to increase the demonization of me by my b-i-l.

The story of the gun in the mouth was actually my b-i-l putting the gun inside his own mouth. Not my youngest nephew's. Either way, it was a terrible threat, and one to manipulate my sister and nephew(s). When he didn't get his way, it was his final option. Unlike normal people who can listen to feedback and counter arguments, and learn. He couldn't. At least my sister finally saw that as "over the line", in order for her to leave the household. But going back to the same, made her leaving not so much a forward step, other than the b-i-l quitting drinking for a while. But I mentioned that he eventually put the guilt trip on her for leaving. He never ever ever accepts responsibility for any of his behavior.

My sister has still not contacted me. I'm debating how long to wait to again contact her, or what is best to do. The sad thing is that no one in her life would be willing to go out of their way to help her like I would. Neither of her sisters-in-law, none of the aunts by marriage, and neither of the mostly estranged blood uncles. And she has no friends. She shouldn't want to give up her relationship with me. She should already know I'd fly to the US to be there for her. The proof is in the past, as I did that for both my father and brother.  Far too many people take take take. Few give.

[SaltyDawg]

WishIWasNora,

   This sounds really difficult to just wait not knowing what is going on with your sister and nephew.

   Have you considering visiting them, and spending time with your sister?

   People who have never been in this kind of an abusive relationship have absolutely no clue what it is to be like in such a relationship, and the people who are in this kind of relationship, feel powerless to change as they believe their abusers narrative until they become self-aware enough to do something about it.  More often than not, they are too frightened to do anything about it, and will 'turn the other cheek' figuratively / literally and allow their abuser to hit them there too.

   It is curious that you mentioned Stockholm Syndrome, you are obviously understanding the dynamic that is going on, which can be called a 'trauma bond'.  Can you share a little more about your own background in this?

   You cannot count on your in-laws, as they will more likely side with your BIL as they are 'family' - so your sister's lifeline is you, and possibly anyone else on your side of the family.  I am just keeping it real for you, it is not my intent to 'guilt you', as I am fairly certain it will do this to some extent.  I know you feel that far too many people just keep on taking, and far too few are giving in nature.  If you don't give support to your sister, who will?

   Resources, if your sister is in crisis, she can use the crisis text line 741741, this text will not appear on phone bills (it will be scrubbed) and they offer many resources that can be found at https://www.crisistextline.org/resources/#resources-12 look for "My Plan App" it could be helpful.  Please be mindful abusers will often track their victims phone activities, including apps, e-mails, etc.  However, she should be careful to delete those texts if you think your BIL will be upset with this.

   What you can do for your sister, is tough, short of jumping on a plane and visiting her (and she may not accept your help based on the level of abuse you have described).  I would suggest, communicating with her, letting her know you are thinking of her, and you would like to catch up - perhaps make it a new years resolution, or use some other excuse to reach out to her.  Perhaps a simple innocent text like "I would like to talk with you, sis, as I haven't heard from you in a while to 'catch up'" that way if BIL is watching her texts he won't realize what you are up to.  When you do talk to her, kind of impose your way, and say you are going to visit the states and would like a place to stay, and ask if you can stay with her.  Take her out without the BIL 'in tow' to get the real picture as to what is happening with her.  Kind of like staging your own version of an 'interdiction' to rescue her. 

However, like you are familiar with Stockholm Syndrome, it could backfire, and she will take the side of her BIL.  What are your thoughts on this?

Have you thought of anything else, as you know your sister the best?  If so, do you feel comfortable sharing this?

How old is your nephew, you could reach out to him as well?

Just throwing out some thoughts.

Take care (with self-care).

SD

[WishIwasNora]

Thanks again, Saltydawg!

I have been debating what the best time would be to contact my sister again. I don't want to seem like I'm begging her, to possibly no avail. I truly have nothing to apologize for, nor do I want her to think I'm agreeing to "obey" what they want, which is for me to give up many fiduciary rights as a beneficiary. I think I mentioned they had their lawyer pushing me to sign a document that said as much. Luckily my lawyer interpreted that language, which was a bit confusing. I'm thinking that either she can contact me in between, or I will contact her after the inheritance stuff is mostly done with. I like your suggested wording, and will remember it.

The difficulty in going to the US to spend time with her comes down to money. Since April 2023, I went back to the US three times. As no one would/could host me, I'd say that the total spent (accommodations, car rentals, airfare, restaurants) totaled about $15,000. My husband and I are not rich people. When there, I think we were treated to only five or six meals by my siblings, most being sandwiches. My sister's house is a hoard, so I wasn't even permitted to go there, let alone stay there. My brother let my father's house go so down hill (and a bit hoarded) that there were bug infestations. Not that I was invited there, either. Our father had been in an assisted living facility for about five years, when he passed away. The last time I went, for the funerals, I had asked my sister ahead of time if she wanted me to come early and stay late to help with many things. She said yes, but then when I came, her husband found ways to prevent my help, other than cleaning trash from my dad's house. Most of the suggestions I offered, were countered, deliberately. B-i-l even made up some ridiculous lies about a few. I believe he had irrational paranoia about some. So, coming early and staying late was a costly and unnecessary situation for me. I will say that at one point my sister asked me "Do you think you will ever come back to the US to live?" I had to honestly say that I didn't know. That response make her look depressed. I have very good reasons for living in Europe. Yes, I wish I was nearer to my sister, but I must live my own life with my husband. If my sister ever wanted to visit me with my remaining nephew, and she couldn't afford it (as if I ever could), I would pay her airfare and host them for most everything. But no, I don't plan to return to the US for a visit for a long time.

My nephew is 32 years old. Despite his autism spectrum disorder, I believe he would be capable of moving from my sister's and b-i-l's home. However, they've raised him to be a perpetual child-like dependent. Also, I believe they cling to him as they have no one else. My late youngest nephew was raised similarly, and got the brunt of abuse. I can't help but assume suicide was his only way out. That was NOT an inevitable type of escape, and proper help and parenting could have prevented it.

[TelHill]

Hello WishIWasNora,

I'm very sorry about your sister and her abusive bpd Husband.

I was raised by a bpd Mother and was married to a man who had some kind of personality disorder and sounds like your bil. I was isolated, gaslighted, manipulated, strung along with promises of all sorts, was forced to support him because he refused to work, etc.

I wanted to leave but had to craft a plan so I could remain safe. I called the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US - I live here) for help. 

I've learned since that these abusers act in ways to cement their reign of terror over their partners and it's called coercive control. It sounds like it is happening to your sister.

https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

Here's a resource I found through the Domestic Abuse Hotline website on how to support a loved one living with an abusive partner.

https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/

I've spent some time in the EU and know many member states have laws against coercive control. Maybe the country you live in does and could offer some counseling on how to support your sister? You pay the VAT and are entitled to government services.

I sincerely things get better for your sister.

[TelHill]

I don't know if this is possible, but could the estate pay for your trip to the US stating negotiations are not going as smoothly as planned? Perhaps your lawyer could help you with this?

I'd suggest cutting off any communication with your bil or doing the grey rock method with him.  It's usually normal to raise one's voice in self-defense especially under the pressure he's putting on you, but a pwBPD lives to goad someone into a fight. They like to make others look like abusers when someone calls out their antics.

He could possibly turn his side of the family against you and force your sister and nephew to not speak with you.

[SaltyDawg]

WishIWasNora,

   I liked what TellHill has shared.

   It sounds like you are in a very difficult place, and it seems to be quite overwhelming with you having to foot the bill on tens of thousands of dollars for visiting the US to help out with the estate only to have your BIL try and cut you off from any of the proceeds.

   I would suggest getting some kind of legal help and/or accounting of the estate, along with a copy of the will and/or probate on specifically what you are entitled to.  I have seen time and time again, where an estate with a HCP (high conflict person) will more often than not lead into relationships ending with siblings, and being manipulated out of what they are entitled to.  You do want to protect what you are entitled to, and you want to protect your sister as well, you are in a very difficult position, and some resources that TellHill suggest you may find to be useful, and if not, they might be able to point you in a good direction.

   I live in the US; however, I do qualify for dual citizenship in the EU (NL) as my father was a dutch citizen most of his life and there are many benefits to live there - I understand.

   While you are sorting out your legal options, I would suggest remaining in contact with your sister with brief text messages, letting her know that you are thinking of her, and you are always available for conversation (or whatever level of contact you want with her).

   I also understand, you need to look after your own life and your life with your husband as your first priority; however, I also understand your desire to look after your sister and nephew.

   With their respective homes being a 'hoard' it does sound like there are some kind of mental health issues going on whether this is ADHD, OCPD, Hoarder Disorder, or something else.

   First and foremost, do what is best for you, WishIWasNora.  Any remaining energy you can dedicate where you see fit, and if this is to help out your sister, it does sound wonderful that you wish to help her out.

Do self care, and take care.

SD