PwBPD wife filing for divorce

[ChiWeenieGuy]

I don't think it changes anything per se, but it does help me put things in context of her illness. That in itself is somewhat valuable to me because one of the big emotions I'm feeling is confusion. Complete and utter bewilderment. None of this makes any sense from a rational point of view. Undoubtedly, most of us would be profoundly disappointed in ourselves for having done such a thing, and would rightfully feel a degree of guilt and shame, but seeing effectively ending your life as you know it as the solution to that shame is a new level of extremity. Having said that, knowing her well enough, I do know she has moments of clarity and self-awareness that amaze me sometimes. Perhaps if I can empathize with and validate her feelings gently, she might realize she is on a very self-destructive path. I don't know. It has happened in the past though, when she seems to "come to her senses" as it were.

[EyesUp]

It sounds like you are, in fact, conflicted.  Totally understandable.

Straight talk express: 

From this conflicted perspective, the old adage "hope for the best and plan for the worst" is definitely applicable...   Did you have a chance to explore legal representation yet?  What happens if you're actually served?  I encourage you to act on what you know and prepare accordingly.

Sometimes, as the reality of the situation truly sinks in, you and/or your wife will unlock some new understanding.  The confusion or disorientation you feel now can and likely will shift as this process unfolds.

You may find that you both retreat to a familiar (and therefore comfortable?) situation.  Or you might find that no matter what you think or feel, this time your wife will follow through with the divorce process.  Either way, you're likely to arrive at some new understanding.

For this reason, I hope you're taking steps to look out for yourself.  It's easy to continue to try to look out for your wife, out of FOG, or some other codependent dynamic.  You'll want to continue to try to make sense of things...  A word of caution: that may or may not be healthy - for you.  So please DO contact an atty if you haven't already.

You can typically get a free initial consultation.  Best advice is to find a family law atty, with experience in your county, and with experience in high conflict cases.  The minute the atty suggests mediation, move on.  Mediation is great for reasonable people.  You don't have a reasonable situation - you need a litigator, not a negotiator, to look out for your best interests and to help bring a reasonable agreement forward.  If your wife refuses to settle, or if her filing is "for cause" - you definitely need a litigator in case this goes to trial.  Few cases do, but again, prepare for the worst case scenario.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. 

Also, about the auto-correct - this forum will automatically change certain "foul language" or potentially triggering terms into something else. We often see charm instead of "charm" - see it just happened again!

[boundriesrus]

You are not wrong in setting boundries! Boundaries for her, as well as yourself, is a good thing. I had the same thing happen in therapy. Went in for depression anxiety, discovered I had been gaslit by (no former) business partners, who are diagnosed NPD/ASPD for husband, and BPD wife. In the midst of that treatment I had some frustrations with wife and voiced them for the first time to anybody. The look on the therapists face when I told him the things she would say or do, was a look of horror and disgust. It was the first bit of validation I had ever gotten for some of these actions from her throughout the years, for trying to be "not that guy who constantly complains about spouse", and then finding out the behaviors are VERY Wrong, of which she led me to believe it was because of me.

The last boundary I set was telling her family I started working out again (high blood pressures issues, didn't want meds, and having really bad anxiety attacks from untreated trauma, as I later found out). I told them I am trying to find healthy ways to deal with my problems, and had not told my wife I had started running again. To be fair...it's the treadmill in the basement under our bedroom, and I was not exactly sneaking down there without her knowing. Its 5am...I can't sleep, Im gonna run and get some of this angst out. She turned and looked at me like I was cheating on her. She looked at me with dead eyes and said: When we get home, you are gonna wake me up in the morning and we are going to work out together" I told her maybe, as I really didn't want to get into it infront of the in-laws at that time.

We got home a few days later, and she was adamant still about working out with me. I told her I was setting my alarm for 6am. I woke up at 6, after the alarm went off 3 times, she never woke up, so I went downstairs and did my run. I come upstairs an hour later, to her mad at me for "not waking her up to run" and "what is MY Problem, she just wanted to work out with me and spend MORE time with me" I asked her very calmly and polititely that I set the alarm, and that she is an adult and if she wants to get up and run, there has been nothing stopping her in the YEARs that we have been together, and she never did it once in almost 7 years at this point. I calmly stated, I wanted some time to myself  in the morning before sitting down at my desk and having to work (own my own company at home). She promptly got pissed and started yelling and crying about "what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with me, and that she doubled down and kept pressing the matter" I kind of giggled under my breath at the whole interaction as that was the day I realized my therapist was probably right, and she had BPD. I was finally realizing it, once I held my grounds and started putting up firm boundries. She then gave me the silent treatment for a day or so.

I'm sorry you are going through all this, but know that you are not alone in this battle. We all missed the red flags earlier on. A good portion of us here also have self esteem issues and were enamored by the BPD's love bombing throughout the relationship (as long as we were saying yes to their needs). It felt good, but was also very unhealthy the entire time.

[PeteWitsend]

I don't think it changes anything per se, but it does help me put things in context of her illness. That in itself is somewhat valuable to me because one of the big emotions I'm feeling is confusion. Complete and utter bewilderment. None of this makes any sense from a rational point of view. Undoubtedly, most of us would be profoundly disappointed in ourselves for having done such a thing, and would rightfully feel a degree of guilt and shame, but seeing effectively ending your life as you know it as the solution to that shame is a new level of extremity. Having said that, knowing her well enough, I do know she has moments of clarity and self-awareness that amaze me sometimes. Perhaps if I can empathize with and validate her feelings gently, she might realize she is on a very self-destructive path. I don't know. It has happened in the past though, when she seems to "come to her senses" as it were.

One thing that helped me make more sense of BPDxw's behavior was to step away (mentally) from the things she was saying.

I'd liken the experience to going for a ride on a merry-go-round and getting dizzy, and losing your sense of perception.  In order to understand what's going on, you have to get off and not get pulled back into that circular motion.

It's hard to do sometimes, especially if you're very empathetic and lose sight of the fact that pwBPD can and do lie about everything, no matter how obvious it is, and refuse to back down.  you have to ignore their point of view completely in order to make sense of the situation.

you have to remember they have their own way of perceiving the world, and their emotional response to things is so unusual it might as well be coming from a different species. 

[PeteWitsend]

Here's how I eventually coped with my own situation better: I realized or at least it seemed to me that BPDxw used conflict as a means to an end, and the ends often had no relationship to the fight, or what I did, or what she claimed to be upset over. 

over the last year of our marriage, I got better at avoiding the merry-go-round, although it still took a toll... being screamed at, having doors slammed in your face, called names, etc. still sucks, even if you know the problems are all in the pwBPD's head and you (or your mom, or your brother, friend, aunt, etc.) didn't do anything wrong. 

She'd start screaming and I would just tell myself "Here we go on this BS again," grit my teeth and bare it.  I wouldn't be confused about why we were in that situation or what I did, or didn't do, because it really didn't matter: she had her own sense of perception that was alien to me, and there was no point in going for a ride with her, I had to focus on material results, and for me, those were: minimizing conflict if our daughter was there, to protect her from it, or leaving the situation until she calmed down, or if not possible (like we were on a date) ending the situation so we could move on.