NC or LC?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on this forum. Several things happened this past few months.I found a therapist and started antidepressants, which has honestly helped my a lot. I have also been working on putting boundaries, and while I still struggle, I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. The most important though, it's that. my parents are divorcing. It was talked several times (and dismissed several other times by my BPDfather), but now it's official. He's looking for a place to stay, and my mother has made it clear that he must be out before the begging of July.

With this eventual depart, I've been reflecting a lot of what kind of relationship I want with my BPDfather. And I'm still not sure. Well, no, I'm pretty sure of what I want, but I have doubts. So I wanted to ask for opinions about opting for NC or LC.

I think I might want to go NC. He no longer breaks things, or screams. But how do I explain it...Boundaries with him are a war. An infinite and constant war that I have always to battle for. For example, I dislike being talked when I'm taking my breakfast, because I'm too sleepy to have a conversation. But he wants me to talk with him, and even debate(?) with him over certain topics. (You can't really debate with him. Because if you don't think like him and don't agree with what he's saying, then he'll get mad at you and he'll demean you. And when you confront him about it, he'll say you're "misunderstanding" what he was saying. Wich of course, it's another issue I have with him.) Plus, he makes me uncomfortable because of everything that has happened with him, and his presence puts me in fight or flight mode.

And just to get that boundary respected, I had to:
1)write him a text about why I don't want to talk,
2)pass a week and a half avoiding him during breakfast (had to wake earlier to take it with my mom, who goes to work earlier than I usually wake up) because he didn't respect my boundary
3)Listen to my parents fight twice in two days because my mom was defending my boundaries and he didn't want respect it. His arguments were pure manipulation, ranging from: "you're (my mom) putting her against me",  "you two are made of crystal", "we were so happy before, I've always been so good, I'm the victim here", "it's not my problem if she acts like a schizo (for schizophrenic)", etc.
4)To finally be able take my breakfast in the morning in complete silence. With him of course, because the text I send never existed in his mind in the first place I guess.

He's not going to change. No matter what I do, how I put it, he'll always see me as the enemy if I stay strong in my boundaries. And I'm tired of it. I don't like wasting this much energy for so little. I don't want to pass my time with someone like him, when I could spend my time and energy on people who make me feel save and comfortable. If he were my boyfriend, I would have break up with him and leave. So why wouldn't I be able to do that because he's my father?

But then he makes you a good diner and buys cake for Saint-Valentin's. And then he tries to be charming, and you laugh with him, because he can be nice from time to time. And it makes me feel guilty. Part of me knows it's just his way of trying to erase the way he has PLEASE READed up, instead of really changing. But it doesn't make it easier. I feel guilty of going NC, because it makes me feel like I'm just doing it because I "ressent him" or as "punishment" for his past actions. But going LC just seems like another battle to handle.

Any advices?

[Tortuga50550]

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on this forum. Several things happened this past few months.I found a therapist and started antidepressants, which has honestly helped my a lot. I have also been working on putting boundaries, and while I still struggle, I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. The most important though, it's that. my parents are divorcing. It was talked several times (and dismissed several other times by my BPDfather), but now it's official. He's looking for a place to stay, and my mother has made it clear that he must be out before the begging of July.

With this eventual depart, I've been reflecting a lot of what kind of relationship I want with my BPDfather. And I'm still not sure. Well, no, I'm pretty sure of what I want, but I have doubts. So I wanted to ask for opinions about opting for NC or LC.

I think I might want to go NC. He no longer breaks things, or screams. But how do I explain it...Boundaries with him are a war. An infinite and constant war that I have always to battle for. For example, I dislike being talked when I'm taking my breakfast, because I'm too sleepy to have a conversation. But he wants me to talk with him, and even debate(?) with him over certain topics. (You can't really debate with him. Because if you don't think like him and don't agree with what he's saying, then he'll get mad at you and he'll demean you. And when you confront him about it, he'll say you're "misunderstanding" what he was saying. Wich of course, it's another issue I have with him.) Plus, he makes me uncomfortable because of everything that has happened with him, and his presence puts me in fight or flight mode.

And just to get that boundary respected, I had to:
1)write him a text about why I don't want to talk,
2)pass a week and a half avoiding him during breakfast (had to wake earlier to take it with my mom, who goes to work earlier than I usually wake up) because he didn't respect my boundary
3)Listen to my parents fight twice in two days because my mom was defending my boundaries and he didn't want respect it. His arguments were pure manipulation, ranging from: "you're (my mom) putting her against me",  "you two are made of crystal", "we were so happy before, I've always been so good, I'm the victim here", "it's not my problem if she acts like a schizo (for schizophrenic)", etc.
4)To finally be able take my breakfast in the morning in complete silence. With him of course, because the text I send never existed in his mind in the first place I guess.

He's not going to change. No matter what I do, how I put it, he'll always see me as the enemy if I stay strong in my boundaries. And I'm tired of it. I don't like wasting this much energy for so little. I don't want to pass my time with someone like him, when I could spend my time and energy on people who make me feel save and comfortable. If he were my boyfriend, I would have break up with him and leave. So why wouldn't I be able to do that because he's my father?

But then he makes you a good diner and buys cake for Saint-Valentin's. And then he tries to be charming, and you laugh with him, because he can be nice from time to time. And it makes me feel guilty. Part of me knows it's just his way of trying to erase the way he has PLEASE READed up, instead of really changing. But it doesn't make it easier. I feel guilty of going NC, because it makes me feel like I'm just doing it because I "ressent him" or as "punishment" for his past actions. But going LC just seems like another battle to handle.

Any advices?

[Notwendy]

I think I would wait until he has moved out of the house to make any decision about NC. As long as both your parents are together, it's difficult to have contact with only one of them and not the other.

I would also wait to see if they actually go through with the plans. Although my BPD mother would bring up divorce- my parents didn't do it.

I understand the situation with boundaries. Boundaries with my BPD mother seem like a challenge to her. It's difficult to mainain a boundary with someone who seems to be pushing at them.

LC doesn't only mean less contact. For me, it's the content of the conversation. I try to avoid emotional or relationship content. With your Dad, you could probably "debate" a sports game for 30 minutes better than a 5 minute emotional conversation if you aren't emotionally invested in the outcome of the debate. Like which team is better if you aren't a fan of either. If the debate isn't about something you care about,  just let him win.

For your emotional state- yes have a boundary. It seems that a quiet breakfast is important to you- so don't have breakfast with him. One idea is to wake up a bit earlier- get your breakfast and take it back to your room.

I would not verbally declare a boundary. Actions are better. If he asks about breakfast, make it about you- which it is- "Dad, I need some time to wake up in the morning before I am ready for a conversation". He doesn't have to respect that- just do it. If he wants that time with you- then consider maybe a day or two a week with the other ones to yourself. "Dad let's have breakfast on Saturday" wake up earlier, ge some coffee and then have breakfast with him. If he debates something sensitive- try to change the topic- but also if he has an opinion- that's his opinion. It doesn't mean it's yours.