I told my uhwBPD I needed 2 days to myself. HE BLEW UP!

[JazzSinger]

He seemed calm, so I brought up the subject of my leaving home for  two days of self-pampering and meditation.  Told  I’d get a hotel room — just for a couple of nights. Some “me time.” He told me he was OK with it. 

THEN, HE WENT BALLISTIC. 

It wasn’t a full-blown outburst, but he was furious.  He  started right in with the name-calling.  This time, he switched from calling me stupid to calling me old and worthless.  Telling me no one else wants me, and that he wants a DIVORCE. 

He announced that he’d noticed how detached I’ve been for the past six months or so.  I told him it was because of his outbursts.  I told him I’m still a traumatized, and it’s part of the reason why I needed a bit of time away.  He got angrier, and brought up all the things he sees as my weaknesses. The things that make me intolerable. And he told me the fact that I need two days to myself is the first sign that our marriage is over. He’s right.

I’m nervous, but I feel FREE. I spoke my truth, and he heard me, finally. I’ve been under a lot of pressure, walking on eggshells most of the time.

BTW, I recorded one of his nastiest, meanest outbursts and played it for him.  He said he was just joking.  Then I mentioned another recent outburst that left me traumatized.  He told me he was just joking that time too. 

He said he doesn’t like how much time I spend interacting with my friends and a dear cousin of mine.  Meanwhile, they don’t criticize me like he does, so I desperately need them. We enjoy each other’s company.  And we text and message each other.  Because every time I open my mouth at home, I get criticized, harshly.  The meaner and angrier he gets, the more I need my friends, and the more I withdraw from him.  He sees it. 

I don’t know how this will end.  For almost a year I’ve felt the marriage, in its current state, was unsustainable. Right now, he’s giving me the silent treatment.  We’re in the same apartment, but acting like roommates.  He could (and probably will) pull all of his financial support.

Whatever happens, I’ll find a way to make it.  Because I just can’t take the abuse anymore.  I don’t care that I’m in my 70’s and retired. I have the right to live in peace.  I will find a way to  thrive. It’s scary, but being with him is just too painful. 

[SaltyDawg]

JazzSinger,

   I am so proud of you wanting to leave your home for two days, of a self-vacation in order to do a bit of self-care for yourself when your husband become dysregulated. 

He seemed calm, so I brought up the subject of my leaving home for  two days of self-pampering and meditation.  Told  I’d get a hotel room — just for a couple of nights. Some “me time.” He told me he was OK with it. 

THEN, HE WENT BALLISTIC. 

It wasn’t a full-blown outburst, but he was furious.  He  started right in with the name-calling.  This time, he switched from calling me stupid to calling me old and worthless.  Telling me no one else wants me, and that he wants a DIVORCE.

Do you think he genuinely wants a divorce, or do you think he is bluffing as a means of controlling you?

If you think he is bluffing and using it is a means of 'controlling', you may want to call his bluff on the topic, and tell him, "I am okay with it if you leave where we are living, you are free to go somewhere else on your own".  I did that to my BPD wife, and she has no longer made that threat, even though she has done that about 50 times previously over the years.

He announced that he’d noticed how detached I’ve been for the past six months or so.  I told him it was because of his outbursts.  I told him I’m still a traumatized, and it’s part of the reason why I needed a bit of time away.  He got angrier, and brought up all the things he sees as my weaknesses. The things that make me intolerable. And he told me the fact that I need two days to myself is the first sign that our marriage is over. He’s right.

He is 'self-aware', and you have put him on notice if his behaviors do not change, that your marriage is over.  He also blamed you on what he thought were your weaknesses.  I would politely inform him in a cheeky way, "Well, I am giving you a much needed break from me as well, as you find that intolerable in me.  When I get back, we can discuss removing yourself from this so you don't have to deal with my intolerable behavior(s) any more."  If he threatens divorce, you can validate him, and then observe his reaction to determine his true intent with the relationship - a stress-test so to speak.  You do not deserve to be verbally abused in this matter, and if you turn that abuse around and reflect it back to him, he will do either one of two things.  He will either back-off if he senses you are serious and doesn't want to lose you (and the power of relationship will have shifted to you); OR, he is genuinely fed up with the relationship, and will follow through on his threat of divorce.  With either way, you will have voiced your wants and needs, the power in this relationship will have shifted away from him, towards you.  It is up to you on how you want to use this power.

I’m nervous, but I feel FREE. I spoke my truth, and he heard me, finally. I’ve been under a lot of pressure, walking on eggshells most of the time.

Rightfully so, you are nervous, you are standing up for yourself, and you do not know what he is going to do, actually follow through with a Divorce or he will back down, and behave in a manner that lets you know he is wrong, without actually admitting to it.

BTW, I recorded one of his nastiest, meanest outbursts and played it for him.  He said he was just joking.  Then I mentioned another recent outburst that left me traumatized.  He told me he was just joking that time too.

 

Lady, you have more balls than I do, and I am a guy.  When he said it, he was not Joking at the time he said it.  You know this, and I know this.  In order to prevent it from happening again in the future, perhaps say something along the lines of "I do NOT feel that was Joke.  In fact, I feel very like it was the worst possible way to offend me, I am absolutely terrified that someone would think of me that way, as when I was told xxx it makes me feel like yyy because of zzz." look for his reaction, and perhaps add "I feel that no wife should be made to feel like this by her husband, jokingly or not".  Notice, I did not use any "you" words in this, and you focused on your feelings, which cannot be argued against, as they are your feelings.  Also repeat for each of his 'so called jokes'.

Do not reward his bad behavior with appeasement (ignoring it and not calling attention to it), do not candy coat it when you bring it immediately to his attention.  Let him know, the next time he does something like this "I do not find this funny, I feel awful that I am being told this.  I do not want to be around anyone who tells me this" - this is your boundary, and leave the room the next time he does this, of if it is your room, ask him to leave, and don't let him back in, until he can acknowledge his contributions to your feelings.

Do reward his good behaviors with comments like "I like it when you do aaa."

He said he doesn’t like how much time I spend interacting with my friends and a dear cousin of mine.  Meanwhile, they don’t criticize me like he does, so I desperately need them. We enjoy each other’s company.  And we text and message each other.  Because every time I open my mouth at home, I get criticized, harshly.  The meaner and angrier he gets, the more I need my friends, and the more I withdraw from him.  He sees it.

 

Again, let him know that he cannot control who you choose to be with, as long as you are not having an emotional and/or physical affair outside of your relationship with him.  This is perhaps the biggest mistake I made, was to allow my wife's controlling cajoling into not talking to my friends any more by her behaviors and accusations which in turn isolated me from my support system.

I don’t know how this will end.  For almost a year I’ve felt the marriage, in its current state, was unsustainable. Right now, he’s giving me the silent treatment.  We’re in the same apartment, but acting like roommates.  He could (and probably will) pull all of his financial support.

Call his bluff, see where his heart is, and move forward from there.  If your pension is similar to his, consider only spending separating your accounts (if not already done), and only pay for things that you do and use.

Whatever happens, I’ll find a way to make it.  Because I just can’t take the abuse anymore.  I don’t care that I’m in my 70’s and retired. I have the right to live in peace.  I will find a way to  thrive. It’s scary, but being with him is just too painful. 

No one should be subjected to sustained abuse, no matter what kind it is.  However, please be mindful, everyone, at some point in frustration may lose their temper and say things that they wish they hadn't - but generally speaking when that does happen an apology usually is forthcoming, to make things right.  However, if this is not the case, and the abuse is relentless, then you need to do something about it.  I have seen and noticed as we age (I am a few years younger than you but over the hump at 56) with aged based cognitive decline, I've noticed that tempers are shorter than they used to be, and we will no longer put up with crap like we used to either.  It sounds to me you are at this point in your life.  Am I right? 

Set firm boundaries, that you are willing to enforce with your follow-through, like I the example I gave above about calling his bluff on his terroristic threats of divorce.  See if you can teach your old dawg some new tricks by respecting you and not abusing you with setting firm boundaries on the behaviors you are and more importantly are not willing to accept.  If you can't teach him new tricks, you might want to start looking elsewhere, and let him know it, so he isn't blind-sided.

Take care with your self-care (it sounds fabulous).

SD

[livednlearned]

JazzSinger, it's been a couple days. Are you doing ok?

Is your H still giving you the silent treatment?

Did you decide to go away anyway?

Telling me no one else wants me, and that he wants a DIVORCE. 

Has he brought up divorce before?

Let us know how you're holding up. It's freeing to say how we feel, and yes, divorce in your 70s has to feel very uncertain. It heartened me in my own divorce that unexpected strokes of luck happened, things I could never have imagined. I hope the same for you 

[JazzSinger]

Dear SD,

He’s bluffing when he asks for a divorce. He’s uttered the D word before.  His mind is too disorganized to even attempt it.  But I did call his bluff.  I spelled out what I’d need from him, in terms of finances, in the divorce settlement.  He didn’t like it.  He changed the subject. 

I will go to a hotel when the next outburst happens. However, now that I was able to have my say, while he was relatively lucid, next time I may be able to get away with just leaving for a few hours.  I’ve never done that before. I always stay, and tremble until he calms down.  He’ll get the message if I leave for awhile.  But if he’s too angry, I’ll book a hotel.

He wasn’t really talking about my weaknesses — just my ability to get angry, which he doesn’t like. In the 20 years we’ve been married, I can remember 2X when I was so angry at him, after an outburst, that I slammed the bedroom door, and then the bathroom door, really hard. He brought that up.  So he says I’m the one who has an anger problem!  I told him I do NOT have an anger problem, and I’m allowed to have my feelings. He didn’t like it.  But I stuck to my guns. 

He still insisted he was joking and acting. But he also said he was speaking emphatically, because he’s an alpha male. 

 I’m going to take your advice about rewarding good behaviors.  I never thought of that.  Thanks!

I really appreciate your advice and support.  It helps, and it means a lot.

[JazzSinger]

JazzSinger, it's been a couple days. Are you doing ok?

Is your H still giving you the silent treatment?

Did you decide to go away anyway?
 

Has he brought up divorce before?

Let us know how you're holding up. It's freeing to say how we feel, and yes, divorce in your 70s has to feel very uncertain. It heartened me in my own divorce that unexpected strokes of luck happened, things I could never have imagined. I hope the same for you 

Dear LivednLearned,

Thanks so much. 

I called his bluff on the divorce, spelling out what I’d need financially, in the divorce settlement.  He backed down. 

He’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, and I’m still having my say.   He said he wanted to eat all meals separately — I was ecstatic.   But he backed down when he saw how pleased I was.  He said he’d work on eating dinner with me, without bringing up his pet topics. It’s always the same negative topics.   That’s what usually brings on the outbursts. He winds himself up, and then he verbally abuses me, for trying to be pleasant or for remaining silent.  I can’t win. And it almost always starts at the dinner table.  So far, so good, although a few times we have managed to eat separately, because I wasn’t hungry yet (wink, wink).

To date, no more outbursts, but that’s because I called him out on it. I know it’s just a matter of time.  He was very mean and nasty when I did it — it wasn’t easy to speak up to him and set boundaries.  But now, he’s being good because he’s afraid I’ll leave. 

I’m tired of the push and pull.  He desperately needs help.  So far, at least my dream of us living separate lives under the same roof is kinda coming true, but very slowly. 

Thanks so much for your support.  I don’t know what I’d do without it. 

[SinisterComplex]

Dear LivednLearned,

Thanks so much. 

I called his bluff on the divorce, spelling out what I’d need financially, in the divorce settlement.  He backed down. 

He’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, and I’m still having my say.   He said he wanted to eat all meals separately — I was ecstatic.   But he backed down when he saw how pleased I was.  He said he’d work on eating dinner with me, without bringing up his pet topics. It’s always the same negative topics.   That’s what usually brings on the outbursts. He winds himself up, and then he verbally abuses me, for trying to be pleasant or for remaining silent.  I can’t win. And it almost always starts at the dinner table.  So far, so good, although a few times we have managed to eat separately, because I wasn’t hungry yet (wink, wink).

To date, no more outbursts, but that’s because I called him out on it. I know it’s just a matter of time.  He was very mean and nasty when I did it — it wasn’t easy to speak up to him and set boundaries.  But now, he’s being good because he’s afraid I’ll leave. 

I’m tired of the push and pull.  He desperately needs help.  So far, at least my dream of us living separate lives under the same roof is kinda coming true, but very slowly. 

Thanks so much for your support.  I don’t know what I’d do without it. 

I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Actually sending the message that you are to be respected is important (you showed him that by calling his bluff). In essence, just put on your invisible rain coat and prepare for the inevitable BS  that will rain down. Let it happen just do not emotionally engage. The less you react the better. Practicing self-care and going about your own business is the best way to go. In essence, be firm and indifferent.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

JazzSinger,

I am glad you are 'standing up for yourself'.  It took me an incredibly long time to learn this lesson after I was beaten down for years.

He’s bluffing when he asks for a divorce. He’s uttered the D word before.  His mind is too disorganized to even attempt it.  But I did call his bluff.  I spelled out what I’d need from him, in terms of finances, in the divorce settlement.  He didn’t like it.  He changed the subject.

You called his 'bluff', of course he doesn't like it.  Now that he knows you mean business, I think you will find the 'dynamic' in your relationship will change for the better, as the position of power has clearly shifted from him to you.  He will likely feel as though he is out of control - there is a possibility, there might be an 'extinction burst' on this topic, until he comes to terms with his 'new reality' of the situation.  An extinction burst usually involves yelling, and more threats, if and when he does this, you must be firm, and do the same thing again, where you clearly have expressed your intent of...

I will go to a hotel when the next outburst happens. However, now that I was able to have my say, while he was relatively lucid, next time I may be able to get away with just leaving for a few hours.  I’ve never done that before. I always stay, and tremble until he calms down.  He’ll get the message if I leave for awhile.  But if he’s too angry, I’ll book a hotel.

This is absolute 'gold', please follow through, if and when he does this to you again.  This will shift his behavior more in the direction that you will find 'tolerable' in your specific situation as much as he will not like it, it will be a lot more peaceful, even if he gives you the quiet treatment for a bit.

He wasn’t really talking about my weaknesses — just my ability to get angry, which he doesn’t like. In the 20 years we’ve been married, I can remember 2X when I was so angry at him, after an outburst, that I slammed the bedroom door, and then the bathroom door, really hard. He brought that up.  So he says I’m the one who has an anger problem!  I told him I do NOT have an anger problem, and I’m allowed to have my feelings. He didn’t like it.  But I stuck to my guns.

2 times of having an angry outburst in 2 decades (one per decade), considering what you are going through, where you 'slam' a couple of doors when you have reached your incredibly high toleration limit of his poor behaviors, is not having an 'anger' problem.  Now if you had this behavior several times a week, that might be a different story - in either situation you are entitled to have your feelings.  I am glad you communicated to him that you are entitled to have your feelings, and if you haven't shared those negative feelings towards him before, perhaps, just perhaps, he might have some new insight into what you are feeling (it is unlikely he will figure this out; however, he will never figure it out if you do not share your feelings with him).

I know you are mindful of not displaying anger around him, and if he makes you angry again, let him know in a cool calm voice, that you are angry with him.  If you need to get your frustrations out physically - I personally use exercise to do this, find an alternative, that he cannot criticize you for.

He still insisted he was joking and acting. But he also said he was speaking emphatically, because he’s an alpha male.

 

He wasn't 'joking' he is only telling you this to diffuse the situation, where he realized he has gone too far with you.

When he is regulated in his emotions, let him know you are an alpha-female (meet him where he is at emotionally), and clearly articulate that 'we need to get along' together and not butt heads - ask him for ideas on how this might be accomplished - you might be surprised either pleastantly or not.  Either way, you will have a better understanding of his thought processes, and can formulate an effective response to his behaviors.

I’m going to take your advice about rewarding good behaviors.  I never thought of that.  Thanks!

Almost everyone I know, likes their 'ego' being stroked.  If you give positive reinforcement for good behaviors, they as long as he is not set against doing them, you should get better behaviors from him.

I really appreciate your advice and support.  It helps, and it means a lot.

You're welcome.  Please continue to do self-care, I think you are doing a great job.

Take care.

SD