Family health drama

[Strawberry29]

All of my problems with my BPD sibling come from interactions with other people. Now, unfortunately our parents are getting old, and have lots of medical issues, and this is creating a dramatic situation, which is driving me mad.

I live away form my parents, and my BPD brother lives with them. He has kept sending dramatic messages about their health int he last few months, sometimes I agree with him, sometimes not. But we are basically no contact at the moment, so the way it works is he sends threatening/dramatic emails that make me feel anxious, then if I don't do as he thinks we should do, he starts insulting me.
Our mom has been lookign after our dad for the past 15 years, since he had a stroke. These past few days he's had some complications, and things have just become unbearable. On top of living thousands of miles away from my father, knowing that he's not feeling well, I have to find a way to udnerstand what's best for hima nd negotiate with my mom and my brother, who clearly have opposite ways of what is right to do. In this situation, I keep being told that I am selfish, a bastard, that I don't care for my parents, that I lack the courage to go against our mum (!)...

For this specific situation, I thought he was actually right in being worried for dad, and in trying to convicne mum to send him to hospital. But clearly this doe snto mean covering her with insults, as it won't convicne her, obviously... Yesterday, he decided we needed to have "a family meeting" if things got worse, and I had to be available 24/7. I said "I am always available as much as possible for these things, I literally could only take up to an hour to respond because I need to go to the office".

This morning, he starts messaging me while I was communting to work. I answered as soon as I got to the office (40 min ride) and was covered with insults "you don;t care about hiM", "work is not important", "you should have done as I asked!".

Thsi is the toughest situation in my whoel life. I am under stress for my dad's health (he's been admitted now), my mom has to navigate this and my brother, I am far away, I keep receiving insults etc...
What's worse is, I don't think that just because he has a mental disorder, he cannto have the right idea at times about what's best to do for our fatehr health. This is of course a godo thing, but it also means that when he does, he feels entitled to always do things as he wants. From now on he will be the one who saved our dad whiel I was away not caring. I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and am starting to feel like these will be the next 15 years of my life, to say the least (because of course I love my parents and want them to be around as long as they possibly could).

[Notwendy]

It may not be the same exact situation but this is similar to when my father got ill and eventually passed away and also now with my BPD mother who is elderly and has some health issues.

Even without BPD, when a parent is elderly and has health issues- it is very emotional for other family members. An aspect of BPD is difficulty dealing with emotions. Their "BPD" behavior is one way they cope with them. BPD mother's behavior escalated when my father was ill and her dynamics with her caregivers, medical providers, and family are difficult now too.

It is understandable that your brother is also upset- and since he has BPD- is coping with the behaviors he knows works for him. It may help for you to understand that what he says to you may be more about his projections than about you.

I don't live near my BPD mother and have heard her say that I "wasn't doing enough". But even when I visit and do things for her- she finds something she doesn't like about something I did or didn't do. At this time, I spend several hours a week checking up on her finances, making sure some bills are paid from her account, keeping her tax information in order, speaking to her health care providers and to her. I was previously in lesser contact with her but due to her needs at this time, I am more involved but also at a distance- she can be emotionally and verbally abusive. Since I am not her direct caretaker, she doesn't perceive this.

When my father got ill, BPD mother was in charge and she wanted recognition for her role as "caretaker" ( even though I was concerned about her behavior at the time). It may be that your brother wants to be the "one who saved your Dad". Keep in mind that pwBPD tend to have a poor sense of self and perhaps being the hero in this situation is important to him. But it's not a competition even if he seems to make it one.

Who has your father indicated at his power of attorney and medical power of attorney? If it's your mother, then she's in charge if your father can't make his own decisions. What arrangements have your parents made in terms of managing their finances in the event they are not able to? For my father, this was my mother. I have disagreements with her decisions but legally, I didn't have any say in what my father decided.
It seems there are disagreements between your brother and your mother and your brother is triangulating by trying to get you to his side. Unless you have power of attorney- this isn't up to you. Let them deal with their disagreements.

It is hard to get these insults. I heard them too. Do what you can to take care of yourself. It's hard to do things at a distance but do what you can- maybe order some prepared frozen meals to their home, arrange for a food delivery, or something like that to help in this situation. Can you have a one on one talk with your mother and be emotionally supportive to her at this time? Are there support groups, counseling, for you locally? Your family may not be able to be supportive to you at this time but you are also going through the stress and emotions of having a parent who is ill- and are also needing emotional support.

[Strawberry29]

Thanks Notwendy, this is super helpful.

My mom has power of attorney, and she's supposed to take decisions. Which is why my brother tries to triangulate me in, with the usual tactic of belittling me and saying I have no courage to go against her, simply because I don't force her, but just advise her. She is totally in her right state of mind, so I can discuss to see what's best, but that's pretty much it. And to be honest, if you advise her without forcing her, she is usually pretty receptive. But with my brother, given the attacks she receives, I worry at times she might unconsciusly just do the opposite of what he says, if you know what I mean.

Sorry to hear you've been going through something similar, I cannot even imagine how is it to have to care for the BPD person as well. I hope I can talk about this with my mom later today, and try to support her. As for me, I haven't yet managed to find a local group. I am leaning more and more towards just startign therapy, as I am not sure I can go on like this for much longer.

[Notwendy]

I understand. I disagreed with some of the decisions my BPD mother made when my father was ill and I also disagree with some of her decisions now.

But as you say- sometimes they can be right on target too.

It comes down to what we can legally do, which is different from what we want to do or think should be done. "Legally compent" is different from making good decisions.

I have shared what social services told me when I contacted them, concerned about my father's situation and what could I do to intervene. Apparently I could not do anything as long as he was considered "legally competent" and he was. I stammered and told them about what was going on- and their reply "your father is legally competent to make his own bad decisions" is true where the law is concerned.

And also for BPD mother. She is also legally competent to make her own decisions, whether they are good ones or not. I have power of attorney but her being legally competent, she can override me.

I would suggest that your mother names you as power of attorney as a precaution if needed. She may not need this now but it would not be in her best interest to have your brother as POA or shared if it ever happens that you are making decisions for her or even assisting her with finances or other tasks. My BPD mother has a friend who workes in a law firm and I suspect it's the friend who advised her to have her kids listed as POA. We share it but we don't have conflict between us. Your mother may feel she needs to name you and your brother "to be fair" but she doesn't have to do that.

[Strawberry29]

Thanks, yes, she actually already did that. So now she has POA over my dad, I have POA over her and, was she to pass away or similar, over my dad too. She did this few years ago, because she was thinking ahead and knew the implications. Unfortunately, my brother found out and this is one of the reasons why our relationship degraded. At the time, I was almost angry with my mom, because I did not see the need to create such drama. But now I totally understand. She was just trying to prevent future issues.

Of course this is still used these days as a proof that she's making preferences, that I am the golden child, etc etc. Also, at the same time they wrote their wills. The wills basically say "split everything in half between the two", and yet this is the other big reason for tension, as he keeps banging on and on about the fact I should just refuse and give everything to him, because he has nothing. I don't give a damn about those money, and would just reject them if it was just for me, but at the same time I cannot tolerate all of this talking about heritage of living people, and with such entitlement.

 

[Strawberry29]

There has been an "unexpected" turn of events. Well, unexpected is not really the right word, it is something that I always could expect, but not now.

Our fathe ris now better, but suddenly my brother has come close to me again. He has unblocked me on WA, we have had some nice and honest conversations about us and our relationship. I have been through this long enough not to feel to excited about this, I know things might change again soon. It seems to me that it is a recurrent theme that he tends to "make peace" with me during stressful times: he did it in the past after a breakup, after a suicide attempt and when he tried to leave home. So, in a sense, not unexpected, but this time it had been 2 years since we last communicated in a peaceful way.

I don't want to repeat old errors of not saying things just to keep him in good spirit, I now know that it does not work anyway and it is just bad. I have taken the opportunity to tell him again what I think about the necessity for him to start treatment and to build his own independence. He does not seem very receptive, and I somehow feel like this new peaceful period is just a tickling bomb. But at the same time, it is very good to have normal conversations about what's best to do for our parents' health for some time. Though, he messages me constantly throughout the day, and if I don't respond within 10 minutes he starts to ask my wife to contact me, etc etc, which is quite demanding.

Mixed feelings, few years ago I would have been exstatic, now I am just confused. 

[Notwendy]

It seems to me that it is a recurrent theme that he tends to "make peace" with me during stressful times.

I have taken the opportunity to tell him again what I think about the necessity for him to start treatment and to build his own independence. He does not seem very receptive, and I somehow feel like this new peaceful period is just a tickling bomb.

I have noticed there is a push-pull/ up/down pattern to these relationships. It is noted in romantic relationships with someone with BPD too but BPD affects all relationships. Someone could be "painted white" at some point and then the opposite after a while.

During these "good times" we may feel at ease enough to say something about their behavior or need to get treatment. It seems they might be receptive to that.

I have found that saying anything like that is immediately rejected and a trigger for their anger. Sometimes even a small unintended comment upsets them.

I don't suggest walking on eggshells and being fearful of everything you  say. Sometimes it might be anything one says. However, I resist the urge to say anything about what they did or what they need to do- it's not effective and it results in more drama.

If your brother is being pleasant at the moment, just keep it emotionally light. Take it for what it is- he's being pleasant in the moment.

I understand the feeling uneasy during the "nice" times. Experience has been these moods can change. So can the times they are angry. I think if we can learn to be less emotionally reactive to these changing moods, it helps.

[Strawberry29]

Thanks, Notwendy. To be honest, what you suggest is how I always behaved, particularly before finding out about BPD. I always just tried to enjoy the good moments, and avoided talking too much about the "bad" ones. I am just a bit tired and thought it was the right moment to try and talk, as when we are NC there is no way I can help. But I do see your point, and I tried to convey that in the least annoying way possible...

In the meantime, my wife has instead tried to convince me of doing more in that sense for quite a while. She's been under a LOT of stress because of the situation, and she's one that cannot accept the possibility of not being able to do "something" to help him. I have tried to explain BPD a bit to her, but I suppose it is difficult to understand, it still is for me after decades.

I think the compromise is that I will only try to talk about these things if I get the chance, and will not force it into the conversation. In the past, few year ago now, he had told me he thought he needed treatment, and had started it. Sometimes I hope I was more helpful at that time... But perhaps at some point, he will be back at that stage, and he will ask me to talk about it again? We'll see...

[anon331312]

> Thanks, yes, she actually already did that. So now she has POA over my dad, I have POA over her and, was she to pass away or similar, over my dad too. She did this few years ago, because she was thinking ahead and knew the implications. Unfortunately, my brother found out and this is one of the reasons why our relationship degraded. At the time, I was almost angry with my mom, because I did not see the need to create such drama. But now I totally understand. She was just trying to prevent future issues.

Yeah your mom's being rational. She knew her life would be a living hell if your brother has POA over her, so she picked the child who will take care of her rather than one who is likely to abuse her.

> The wills basically say "split everything in half between the two", and yet this is the other big reason for tension, as he keeps banging on and on about the fact I should just refuse and give everything to him, because he has nothing. I don't give a damn about those money, and would just reject them if it was just for me, but at the same time I cannot tolerate all of this talking about heritage of living people, and with such entitlement.

Yes, the entitlement for handouts because life didn't work out as well for them. I got guilted for making more money too but I advised my parents not to give handouts. We are all adults and work for the life we want to maintain. If they won't work for the life they desire, they got to put up or change. There are no rules in life that says they need to be carried. And even if they do get carried, they wouldn't necessarily be thankful or at peace because these people are usually never happy.

[Notwendy]

In the meantime, my wife has instead tried to convince me of doing more in that sense for quite a while. She's been under a LOT of stress because of the situation, and she's one that cannot accept the possibility of not being able to do "something" to help him. I have tried to explain BPD a bit to her, but I suppose it is difficult to understand, it still is for me after decades.

I think having a BPD family member is hard for others to understand if they have not had that experience. People assume a relationship based on their own experiences and our culture. It took a while for my H to see  this - on the basis of how my mother treats me. His mother was a kind and loving parent.

[Methuen]

I live away form my parents, and my BPD brother lives with them. He has kept sending dramatic messages about their health int he last few months…But we are basically no contact at the moment, so the way it works is he sends threatening/dramatic emails that make me feel anxious, then if I don't do as he thinks we should do, he starts insulting me…. I have to find a way to udnerstand what's best for hima nd negotiate with my mom and my brother, who clearly have opposite ways of what is right to do. In this situation, I keep being told that I am selfish, a bastard, that I don't care for my parents, that I lack the courage to go against our mum (!)...

From where I am, this sounds like a boundary issue.  The name calling, the attacks, the blaming, the accusations- all of it is him being emotionally abusive because he is emotionally dysregulated.  You don’t have to accept any of that.  You mention you have essentially been no contact with him for a while.  That’s good.  That’s a boundary.  But you also mention he is making you anxious, and elsewhere in your post you mention you feel this is the toughest thing you have experienced in your life.  So, this suggests your boundary (which keeps us feeling safe) is still being broken. 

When he is acting like this, would it be possible for you to communicate via phone with your dad’s Dr or the nurse in charge at the hospital instead (since you have POA)?  I can never rely on information from my mother to be accurate.  Your brother might hear info from the Dr or nurse different than you would.

I have learned that having POA refers to financial POA and not healthcare POA.  This might be worth looking into for you, with both your mom and dad. But as long as you have any POA, I think the hospital staff would be willing to have direct conversation with you.  This is how my husband managed a similar situation when his father was in hospital far away, and his disordered sister was nearby to their father.  My H had conversations with the Dr and nurses. My H had POA.

As for the insults you have endured, those are boundary busters.  A simple “I reject your comments as untrue, and will not correspond or reply to them. I will respond to poliite conversation and requests “ might suffice.  It is unlikely to stop him if he’s dysregulating, but you have communicated your boundary and expectations, and the ball is in his court to adjust his behavior accordingly if he wants to communicate with you.

I am glad to hear your father has improved.  It is not surprising that your brother has temporarily improved as well. It’s great that you have had more positive and productive conversation with him since he’s feeling better.  This is a good reminder that when he’s insulting you, it’s not about you, it’s about him.

While he’s feeling better and you are “white”  might be a good time to approach the boundary topic gently using something like an “I statement “.  I’m currently reading a book: “Set Boundaries Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tewwab (recommended by my T).  She really spells it out clearly, and provides the tools to move forward with regard to getting better at using boundaries with difficult people..  It’s done in a way that is very readable for a lay person and not “heavy”. It’s loaded with examples. This or some other source might be worth looking into so that the next time your dad (and brother)  take a turn, you don’t have to experience the insults from your brother the way you did this time.

  This morning, he starts messaging me while I was communting to work. I answered as soon as I got to the office (40 min ride) and was covered with insults "you don;t care about hiM", "work is not important", "you should have done as I asked!". 

A steady diet of this kind of attack is not ok. It will wear you down, and he probably has little awareness of the effect on you since he is consumed by his own emotions when he says these things.

I hope your dad is ok, and I hope you are feeling better for now.  You are wise to remember the reprieve is temporary, but it’s also a good opportunity to reflect on how to approach next time.

[Strawberry29]

Thanks all!

Notwendy, my wife actually had history of mental health disorder in her family, but not BPD. Her experience is with people that are generally "normal" (sorry, bad word!) and suddenly have episodes every now and then. So, she is used to be able to do something to help during the "normal" periods. I believe with BPD "normal" has even more quotation marks around it, and it is more difficult to convince somebody that they have a problem. I suppose it has something to do with personality disorders more generally?

Methuen, the way it worked is: when he cut ties with me 2 years ago, he started only emailing me with insults and threats etc. At that point I repeatedly told him I would not respond to such emails and would only interact with constructive messages. He literally had zero interest in respecting this boundary, but there is not much I could do to enforce it more, as he could just send emails with different accounts etc. I simply did not respond to any insulting message received. I could have not read them (and I did not read parts of them) but a part of me was worried about completely ignorign them, as they might contain a 1% of information important for me to deal with our parents.
Amazingly (for me), despite me explaining him this at least in 5 different emails, he kept saying I was "ghosting" him, and there was no reason for me ignoring him. When we finally spoke "normally" last week, I had to explain to him again. He seemed to understand, but you never know... I think a part of him was relieved to see I was not "abandoning him" and it was enough to interact nicely with me. But, as usual, I remain "on guard".