Burnt out and Trapped

[Nee Mom]

Hi.  My husband and I just had our first child 9 months ago, and his behavior is getting to be more than I can manage.  I realize that, before we had a child, I spent a great deal of my energy shaping the environment so we could co-exist happily enough, but now I don’t have the energy for it.  He really wanted a child, and I told him it was going to be a huge change, that my focus would be on the little one.  Neither of us really knew what that would look like. 
Two months before giving birth, he decided that he really wanted a puppy.  He’d always wanted a dog, and now he had ‘excuses’ to get one.  (Our LO could grow up with a pet, he would have a companion to help him jog more, sort of an emotional support animal since my husband had also been recovering from tonic clonic seizures).  Soon after he realized it was a mistake.  It’s too much to have around.  Any small infraction (whining, barking, scratching too much), and he’s making the dog hurt.  It’s also translated to how he releases aggravation about other things, like when I asked for privacy or after we were intimate.  There’s too much for me to process, especially now that my LO is not sleeping well.  I’m getting only a few hours each night, working full time, and I started collage again.  My husband stays home with our little one, so I’m afraid to do anything that might affect his behavior for the worse (since he’s prone to ‘demonstrating’ the worst version of anything I try to address, and I won’t be home to protect my baby).  I guess I feel trapped.  He barely even cooks anymore, I’ve taken to meal prepping on the weekends and ordering pre-made meal kits.  Garbage only goes out if I mention it, and even then, I often have to take it out myself because he is escaping into video games.  He’s too overwhelmed after watching our child during the week to do anything in addition except occasional chores so I end up doing homework after I finally get our baby to sleep but then the baby is crying again a few hours after I finish.  I’m just burnt out and feel like any attempt to improve our relationship will likely result in an unsafe environment for my child and I won’t be there. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Nee Mom]

If I were to ask a question, it’s how would you go about determining and introducing boundaries without creating a dangerous environment for our child when I go to work?

[CravingPeace]

Sounds like you are having a really tough time.

Does he ever take the baby at night so you can rest? Sleep deprevation is the worst. In my household roles are reversed I work in the week but will often take the baby at night at weekends.

What type of boundaries are you trying to set? Also how is he taking things out on the dog, and what do you fear he would do to the baby? Has there been physical violence?

[Nee Mom]

Hi CravingPeace.  
Pre P.S. goodness, after not talking to anyone for fear of affecting their opinion of my husband, I’m literally spewing words.  (Side note:  I think the current multiple-feedings-at-night thing is just a phase, the baby has been a good sleeper before, and I’m working on getting him more relaxed for sleep which is helping)
My husband has taken the baby a few times.  Nights are rough though.  I’m exclusively breastfeeding (with the introduction of some puréed solids). When the baby was little, my husband didn’t respond well to waking up (he never has, so that’s not new.  Just knowing him I think I really should cover the nights).  I didn’t like the verbal abuse, so I stopped waking him up.  Then he started sleeping in the living room so his sleep apnea/snoring wouldn’t interrupt our sleep.  He says he wants to help at night, but it’s counterproductive because after I’ve fed/rocked the little one and they won’t go to sleep, then I ask him to take and rock the baby, he’ll do it groggily for about an hour while the LO fusses then bring him back saying ‘I think he’s hungry’.  In that time I’ve been able to lay down, but not sleep, so it feels like that process just extends the time I’m awake at night.  Occasionally, we’ve done a prepped bottle at night but it seems like the main thing our little one wants is his mom.  
I’m not sure what a good boundary for me, or how to set it, would look like.  The only one I’ve set is, if the kills the dog, I’m taking the child and leaving.  That’s not really and everyday boundary.  
As for the dog, it’s a big, gentle dog and he takes out his aggravations on it.  He says he’s just pinning it to the ground to show dominance, but he has also hit it in the face and repeatedly punched it.  When he holds the muzzle, I’m pretty sure it’s hard enough to hurt the tender skin around the lips.
The main concern I have for my baby is growing up around that violence, being desensitized early, maybe feeling emotionally disconnected or tossed into the crib when my husband can’t take the crying anymore.  One time he held the baby up by his legs to clean up a poopy diaper because he kept reaching towards his crotch, but that was at noght when my husband has a harder time regulating his reactions.  I don’t know what he does when I’m at work.  

[CravingPeace]

Wow that does sound tough. It sounds like you are saying he does try to help but nights are very hard. I can relate to that. Like you say hopefully a phase.

The worrying things I really took were the hitting the dog, and holding the baby just by his/her legs.

I think the boundary about killing the dog is certainly one! If a bit late. Id say punching the dog would be enough to want to get out of there.

I am not sure if you feel endangered. Like he maybe violent if you place further boundaries ? Bit it sounds like something needs to change with how he handles the baby and the violence to the dog.
This isn't acceptable.

Others may have better advice , as I haven't been in a potentially violent situation like this I dom't want to encourage you to do something that makes it worse for you.

[Elvis42]

Nee Mom,
   Sounds like a very tough situation and I certainly would be concerned. I have been in more than a few situations similar to what you're describing. Unfortunately the situations I've been involved in didn't end well. My biggest concern is how he treats the dog. First of all that is definitely animal cruelty, and my concern would be if he can't control his emotions about how he treats the defenseless dog, what would he do to you or the baby, if he was angered to where he couldn't control himself. I'm certainly not saying anything could happen, I don't know your husband personally or your daily home life. I think you should try and figure out something that can reduce the chances of anything happening. I mean no disrespect and this is just my opinion, nothing more. It sounds as though your husband's parenting skills are probably at his most competent, so I wouldn't expect any improvement in his ability to deal with the stress of a child. I could absolutely be mistaken and I hope that turns out to be the case. In my opinion you should be wary and try to protect yourself and your baby as much as you are able under the circumstances. Would it be possible to put off college for a time? I imagine that's not the answer you would want to hear. Again only my opinion, if the situation continues to go in the same direction, unfortunately college may have to go by the wayside. Better it your decision and your terms, not his. Again Just suggestions and just my opinion from my own experiences.

Keep your head up and keep getting support, whether it be here or IRL