I think my twin has BPD

[ishowedupinboots]

Hi all,

I'm happy to have found this site. A bit of background on me, I am in my late 30s, have two sisters (one twin) and an undiagnosed (not officially) but textbook narcissistic mother. Older sister has had an official BPD diagnosis for awhile, and recently an autism diagnosis from her therapist. Older sister is textbook BPD, on the extreme end (also an alcoholic).

I've been worried I had BPD because I definitely get abandonment triggers, primarily around my twin. My theory is that since our mom always doted on our older sister and would say "y'all have each other" about me and my twin, my theory is that we raised ourselves and it was just the two of us, so when I have the threat of her abandoning me, my sirens go off and I feel like it's the end of the world. I would sometimes get really emotional and lash out at her, I can recognize it now and stop it. I can also be really sensitive and take things personally. My mom is like that and I get freaked out I learned from her. But I would be ashamed and scared I had BPD since my sister has it and my mom's a narcissist. I brought it up to both my sisters and two different therapists. My sisters seemed receptive to the idea but my therapists both said I don't meet the criteria. One of them even said the fact that I'm considering I have it means I'm less likely to have it, she said usually people who have it are in denial and can't sit with it. Which actually checks out by how my twin reacted to potentially having it.

Fast forward to my relationship with my twin. For many years, our relationship has been horribly rocky. Our dynamic is that she treats me like and calls me a "bully" and says I'm "abusive" and her reasoning will be the most benign offhanded comment I made that meant nothing to me. She explodes with rage on me often, and has even punched me repeatedly while I've been trapped in a car with her. To this day, she blames that on me and says "you shouldn't have poked the bear."

In her narrative and reality, I'm out to get her and I pick on her relentlessly. In my reality, I don't know what she's talking about and find her to be very up her own ass thinking I think that hard about her. The stuff she's had breakdowns about include me telling her her shirt was wrinkled and offering her my steamer, me saying the beans we both just cooked together need more salt, me telling her she had hair that looked like this band that had goofy hair, me joking that her handwriting looks like a serial killer's. To me, those are all harmless and the last two are just me kidding. But unfortunately, she is a very insecure person with paper skin thin, and all of these resulted in explosions.

Last year, I was going to visit her and was very excited. Our relationship had been going well and I wanted to meet her new cat. In our conversation about all the fun things we'd do, her suspicion she had autism came up and an old situation with a roommate we had in 2010 came up. She EXPLODED with rage on me on the phone because I was saying we could have been a bit more friendly and welcoming to this roommate. She said I wasn't accepting of her antisocial personality and she's probably autistic, and I don't accept her. I was blown away how she could twist my words. I said "I couldn't care less if you're antisocial, I was talking about when you wanted to hang out just the two of us without her, I'm sure that was hurtful". It was from a situation 14 years ago, I haven't thought twice about that situation since I left it. I was blown away she had such charged emotion for something from that long ago and also, that she would explode that much on me, and also risk ruining my trip. I was so taken aback, and although I am used to being exploded on, now at my older age my gut says "you cannot tolerate being treated like this anymore". So, I cancelled my trip - it was very, very sad. Then I thought a lot about how the past 6+ years I've been treated like a monster and mischaracterized by the person who should know be better than anyone in the world.

She says I lack empathy and even for a while was hellbent on saying I was a narcissist (which really hurt, considering our mom is and I don't relate to her at all). She always acts like I'm in the doghouse with her and on thin ice. For awhile she said I wasn't invited to her home because I'm too "critical". I didn't know wtf she was talking about. I love her home and have only said good things about it as far as I can remember. I would have no reason to criticize it. It was bizarre, like maybe some transference from her feelings towards our mother, who's super critical. In a good period between us, she has since said I could visit again, but that put a bad taste in my mouth.

She didn't speak to me on the phone for a year because I was supposedly in the dog house with her for being such a "bully". She would claim the phone wasn't "safe". So, it was email only and a lot of tone would be lost with only using text. I would say we should Facetime and see each other's faces, so we can look each other in the eyes. She would say it's not safe and insist she could only email. I always thought a Facetime would have helped us big time with the constant misunderstandings and not hearing the tone from the other/humanizing one another. But we had to do email only, and of course more arguments would ensue.

Meanwhile, I was working in my own therapy on realizing how much she's damaged my sense of self and self-esteem by not seeing me nor any good in me, only constantly twisting my intent to paint me as some monster, despite being my closest confidant and twin. My therapist had to teach me my experiences were just as valid. Just because she was more offended did not mean she was "right". That was definitely our dynamic the last few years. I couldn't understand why we could view the same situation so differently, how I thought nothing of them and she would explode with rage and emotion. I had a Eureka moment, because I had just been dealing with that with my other sister (who has diagnosed BPD). I realized I think my twin has BPD and her brain distorts how she views things and she truly thinks I am out to get her. It started to all make sense and the puzzle pieces fit in place. I started reading more about it and researching more and feeling relieved I found the answer.

The problem was, I thought I could rationally discuss this with my sister. Since I've brought it up and tried to calmly explain why I think we should consider she has it, she's exploded on me and told me I'm a sicko just looking to deflect from my own evilness and BPD, and I'm trying to bring her down. I keep saying it's not about trying to hurt her at all, but to help our relationship, because maybe her brain is making her take everything personally and twist things, and DBT can help.

When I call her out on her rage, she gets even more rageful and says it's my fault she is so angry. Because of my "abuse". It feels like I can't call her out on any of her bad behavior, since I'm her scapegoat. I've said over and over, "why can we talk about the possibility of ME having it, but not you? We're identical twins." She's insistent she doesn't, like it's a fear of hers. I said, "aren't you the one who told ME it wouldn't be my fault?" To me, the lady doth protest too much. The fact she can't even calmly CONSIDER it tells me it gives her much shame. She's been acting extremely immature, saying "you need a better therapist" and "I feel sorry for you. You truly scare me" as if I'm insane for even suggesting it. I know armchair diagnosing is unhelpful and frowned upon. I just was truly excited to think I had found the answer of why we can never see eye to eye.

She has been insisting her therapist says she doesn't have it. But I was thinking, her therapist only hears her version of things and her side. So how does any therapist truly know? I've asked her to get therapy with me and she said "we're not a married couple". I do not think we can move forward unless we have a third party mediating, because it's her word vs mine and we truly live in very different realities and perspectives. Her overarching complaint is that I'm an asshole and I feel like I am just a normal person that sometimes is blunt and it triggers one of her many insecurities so she explodes on me. Having my own twin paint me as a deviant person with intentions to hurt has really had an affect on me, since I feel I am a kind and loving person. It's making me feel crazy. Has anyone experienced something similar? Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.