following through with divorce

[eightdays]

Filed for divorce with court, and papers have been served in recent weeks.   No catastrophes yet.   Just the usual barrage of attacks at first, then giving way to invitations to come back and work on the relationship.  I told her I was sorry but this was the only choice I could see and I am not changing my mind.   There may be a big dispute over money, but my attorney assures me that it doesn't have legs.   We are staying out of each others way at home.   After getting past the emotional inertia that was holding me back, instead of feeling shattered I am just feeling a numbness against a background of grief that comes and goes.   And I am tired.   

[livednlearned]

It's really sad it had to come to this and no matter how right the decision is, I imagine it's still quite painful? I couldn't run fast enough out of my BPD marriage and yet the pain really hobbled me for a while. I guess it's also about grieving the loss of the dream when you marry this person.

Your stbx may not be a high-conflict person, although sometimes the legal system can kick things up a notch, for both sides. I never got used to receiving legal stuff in the mail. My L would explain things on the phone and then that fat wad of paper would land in my mailbox and each time my heart would skip a beat, not to mention the dread of reading things in legal language.

I noticed my ex's BPD traits (high conflict all the way) would peak after legal actions. He would rattle cages and then the next day go back to the usual baseline. As though 25 texts in a short period calling me names I can't repeat here never happened.

Are you seeing a therapist to help guide you through this?

[ForeverDad]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

[EyesUp]

Now that you’ve made the decision, you’ll be acclimating to major changes….  Here’s what you might have to look forward to:

First, the divorce process can be like taking on a full time job.  And you’ll still be navigating things with your stbx…

When this is over at some point down the road, what will you do with all the time and energy you get back? If you’re no longer caretaking/walking on eggshells, negotiating, litigating….  Suddenly having bandwidth for yourself can be thrilling - or unsettling.  It’s a great opportunity to reconnect with yourself and focus on your own likes, preferences, priorities, health, friends, family, hobbies, work…

Until then, it sounds like you’re still cohabitating - stay vigilant and keep a voice recorder going 24/7, just in case you need to mitigate false accusations at some point.

The suggestion to work with a counselor/therapist is a good one.  Should be a requirement, imo.

Take care and good luck navigating your next steps.

[eightdays]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

I realized through this experience that my father had some elements of these patterns when I was growing up, more on the narcissistic side but prone to intense rages.   I'm a little shy about sharing much because I don't want to be recognized.   I had heard from my counselor that many people take a very long time to disentangle.  I did have the hardest time I can remember getting from frightened and confused to a place of acceptance and resolve.   My attorney was the one that helped me most to feel confident.   There are no kids which I do think makes a big difference.    When I saw what was happening though I was just like NO, this is not going to be my life and i processed this relatively fast I guess.  I don't want to minimize it, it was bad.   I was attached to someone self-destructive, destructive to my emotional well-being (which has had some serious physical manifestations), and destructive to my finances and assets, that at some level has been stuck emotionally at age 2.   We came to a point where I was no longer able to be vulnerable with her, and so there was no emotional intimacy anymore.   She has become someone I have been caretaking that is a slow poison to my life, and not a partner.   We were friends for decades, together over 10 years, but only married the last 4.   I always knew something was off kilter but the really offensive behavior (raging, splitting, blaming, reality distortion, gaslighting and others) did not start until some time after we were married.   I recognized the behavior as abuse early on which I think many people do not, so I'm thankful in that regard.   Whether I was recreating my emotional past is sort of a complicated subject.    In some ways yes, others no.   But when my counselor pointed out to me late last year what the traits I was seeing were associated with I was able to connect the dots as I just saw someone write and I just did not want to be stuck in this situation.

I did want to check in here and post though, because I read so many horror stories here and that was part of what was stressing me out.   I feel much improved now so far and can see the light in the distance.   I haven't needed as much support or help as I thought I might.