Just learning about bdp

[Searching25]

My adult daughter has always been clingy, outspoken & flies into rages over seemingly minor things.  Ive been at a loss for 30+ years. Im worn down & don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve been feeling guilty for her unhappiness & have cowered from her rage.  I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries that won’t hurt her.  She needs me but seems disgusted with me at the same time

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Searching,

It sounds like you have come to the right place.  Even if your daughter doesn't have BPD, the advice on this site can help you learn to set boundaries and handle volatile emotions better.  Remember, the boundaries are about what YOU will do when faced with a situation (e.g. anger), and not about changing her.  So a boundary might be, when your daughter is yelling at you, you could give her a warning--"If you continue to shout, I'm going to hang up."  Or sometimes I'll say, "We're not getting anywhere, so let's change the topic, or I'll have to hang up."  (This statement is less accusatory.)  If she continues, you repeat the warning.  If she proceeds to yell a third time, she strikes out, and you hang up (or leave the room).  That way, you extricate yourself from the volatile situation, and you give her time and space to cool down.  You also give her a little wiggle room to try to tone it down in that moment, and you enable her to have some control over how the conversation proceeds.  I really like this three-strikes approach and use it frequently with loved ones who are prone to heated discussions.

I have a loved one with BPD.  What I've learned is that there's no arguing or logical discussion that works when they are angry, because they are simply overwhelmed by out-of-control emotions.  They really need time and space to cool off, so I give it to them.  Only when they have settled down will they be able to process a logical discussion or consider possible  solutions to their problem.

You wrote something that rings true:  "She needs me but seems disgusted with me at the same time."  Imagine how conflicted your daughter must feel, and how confusing that is to her!  But I doubt she is really disgusted with you--she doesn't hate you.  If your daughter has BPD, this is likely just projection about how she feels about herself.  You see, she's struggling and probably hates herself because of that.  Given that self-hatred is unbearable, she turns around and projects it onto you.  It's easier to hate someone else than hate herself; and, at the same time, she finds someone else to blame for all her woes.  But if she's blaming you for making her life horrible, in the process she feels powerless to change.  And that's one reason why BPD is disheartening.  It's so hard to see her upset all the time, and seemingly powerless to do anything about it.  My advice is, don't take any of her insults or accusations personally--just take them as a sign that she's dysregulated at the moment.

"She flies into rages over seemingly minor things."  The way I see it, this is a "trauma" response, even if there hasn't been any real trauma (at least what a "normal" person would consider trauma).  A person with BPD has super-charged emotions that are "primed" for a fight-or-flight response to ordinary stresses in life.  The "fight" response manifests as rage.  The "flight" response manifests as avoidance.  These are natural human responses.  The difference is that the trigger is pulled by the slightest stress; would you say your daughter has low stress tolerance?  Accordingly, we might try to reduce the stress levels for loved ones with BPD, and over-function for them.  Perversely, this might make them feel childlike and incapable of "adulting".  But we all know that life isn't stress-free, and therapy can help those with BPD learn to cope with stress and negative feelings a bit better.

You've come to the right place.  Please feel free to ask more questions.