Women with BPD (or CPTSD, Anxiety, etc.) Better as Mistresses/"Side Chicks"?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Forgive the crassness of the question -- and it does sound crass because of how it objectifies a human being -- but hear me out, please.

In another discussion about how women with BPD (or potentially CPTSD, anxiety, etc.), someone quipped that while such women may make terrible wives and girlfriends because of their instability and penchant for splitting and self destruction, they make great mistresses and "side chicks."

That is, their sexual intensity is terrific and the problems only really start when someone expects them to be stable and loving in a mature, healthy, and reciprocal relationship.

At first, I was troubled by this, but the more I thought about it, the more I considered that in my own experience, things were generally good so long as we kept it more, for lack of a better term, casual and I didn't appear to have any other expectations, including monogamy.

But they went south when we started seeing each other more frequently and I indicated I had stronger feelings (and so did she, though she lied the way people breathe).

On the one hand, this sounds like merely using another person for sex, and in this case, one with profound emotional and mental illnesses. But on the other hand, some women prefer this role, and perhaps in its own way, it could be healthier for all involved.

By the way, I'm only using "mistress" and "side chick" to shorthand the role as the other person described it. I'm not endorsing anyone cheating on their partner, so perhaps simply "casual" or "friend with benefits" is a better description.

Any thoughts?

[HoratioX]

Forgive the crassness of the question -- and it does sound crass because of how it objectifies a human being -- but hear me out, please.

In another discussion about how women with BPD (or potentially CPTSD, anxiety, etc.), someone quipped that while such women may make terrible wives and girlfriends because of their instability and penchant for splitting and self destruction, they make great mistresses and "side chicks."

That is, their sexual intensity is terrific and the problems only really start when someone expects them to be stable and loving in a mature, healthy, and reciprocal relationship.

At first, I was troubled by this, but the more I thought about it, the more I considered that in my own experience, things were generally good so long as we kept it more, for lack of a better term, casual and I didn't appear to have any other expectations, including monogamy.

But they went south when we started seeing each other more frequently and I indicated I had stronger feelings (and so did she, though she lied the way people breathe).

On the one hand, this sounds like merely using another person for sex, and in this case, one with profound emotional and mental illnesses. But on the other hand, some women prefer this role, and perhaps in its own way, it could be healthier for all involved.

By the way, I'm only using "mistress" and "side chick" to shorthand the role as the other person described it. I'm not endorsing anyone cheating on their partner, so perhaps simply "casual" or "friend with benefits" is a better description.

Any thoughts?

[Cluster Beeline]

I was the one who suggested the side-chick / friends-with-benefits mindset when engaging with BPD women. To be clear, this is only a coping mechanism. It's similar to the idea--of which I am happily unable to confirm--that snorting heroin is much safer than shooting it directly into your veins. Obviously, the best solution is to totally avoid both heroin and BPD women. But some of us are unable to make that choice.

The key concept is to avoid any material dependence on BPD women. This means no shared children, no shared property and no shared living. This still carves out a tiny space for a committed relationship, or at least the appearance of one.

My approach is more protective than exploitive. We all understand that when a bee stings, it is not the fault of the bee. Stinging is an essential part of a bee’s nature. But our desire for that sweet, sweet honey the bee produces drives us to not only lower our guard but to even dive headfirst into the swarming beehive. If we insist on lapping up the bee’s sweet honey, we must take precautions.

BPD’s only sting when in devaluation mode. Their periods of idealization feature seemingly endless flows of milk and honey. So obviously a primary goal is to keep BPD’s idealizing for as long as possible. Secondly, we must have the flexibility to seek protective cover at the first signs of devaluation.

Such flexibility is impossible with shared kids, property or home. Worse, the very fact that you are locked in and hopelessly dependent on her will lead to the BPD’s fear of abandonment—which provokes those sweet flows of honey during her idealization phases--to assuage. In its place will swing her fear of engulfment—which we all know results in a thousand stings of devaluation.

The problem with the side-chick / friends-with-benefits solution is that in time it will prove emotionally unsatisfying to the BPD. Early in our relationship, my first BPD would accuse me of suppressing her wild womanhood by supposedly trying to lock her into in my bird cage. In fact, I was doing no such thing and I never asked or even hinted at a commitment.  But she was projecting these demands from me because she emotionally needed them. She would talk about how the perfect relationship is purely sexual--couples should only meet once a month. It was the grind of daily life that destroyed relationships. This was all music to my ears.

Later during the bleak days of devaluation, I reminded her of these words. She openly admitted that when she mentions flexibility, it was only for her. She expected me to be 100% emotionally and physically committed to her. She understood that this was unbalanced and even unhinged, but that was just the way she felt. She needed to feel powerful emotional intensity from me.

And so, the side-chick / friends-with-benefits mindset will not lead anyone into attaining full BPD-whisperer status. This mindset is only a temporary cope. It’s like a ragged beekeeper’s hat, veil and glove--it only allows some temporary honey extraction. If used too long, it will suck her emotional energy from the relationship. What follows must be long dry periods, during which you may be called upon from time to time for emergency triangulation services.

[once removed]

On the one hand, this sounds like merely using another person for sex, and in this case, one with profound emotional and mental illnesses. But on the other hand, some women prefer this role, and perhaps in its own way, it could be healthier for all involved.

i guess the question i would ask, is whether this is your picture of a healthy, mature, adult relationship, or whether you are asking "how can one most safely have a relationship with a complicated person, and keep all the good parts".

[PeteWitsend]

Okay, I think there may be some truth underlying the premise here.

Although, I would say that - BPD or not - all relationships are more fun during the "honeymoon" phase. 

But with BPD, you're really playing with fire when you try to keep it casual. They're simply too unstable to behave in a reasonable manner, regardless of how you perceive it.  And it doesn't matter if you've discussed it with them and have reached an understanding, they are not able to be reasoned with; their emotional responses  are just too strong.  Eventually, they're going to get paranoid you're seeing someone else, or with someone else, or just get clingy and show up unannounced, or try to pick a fight, cause a scene, etc. 

When I was dating BPDxw, a couple times she unfairly felt I was seeing other women or still talking to exes, and would flirt with other guys to make me jealous, in her mind.  Or if not flirt, merely talking to other guys at the bar, or a party, who of course would assume she was interested because everyone was drunk.  On two separate occasions it came close to me getting in fights with other guys... shoving matches, yelling, etc.  BPDxw seemed satisfied with this and happier afterward.  I didn't like it.  I'm a professional with a career, and showing up to work with a black eye, or getting arrested for assault would only hurt me & my reputation.

SO it's not cool.  If you're in the mood for chaos like that, or in a phase of your life where you're out on the social scene all the time, maybe you don't care, and are okay playing games like that.  However, at some point it gets old, and YOU get old, and out grow it.  Or if you don't outgrow it, you develop a substance abuse problem.  As much as I missed walking away from it at the time, I'd probably be dead, or in extremely bad health and barely employable, if I was still behaving like I did in my 20's and 30's. 

[PeteWitsend]

I mean, I tried to keep relationships casual with women who weren't pwBPD and those ended on unhappy terms after some point when they decided they wanted commitment and I didn't.  I can only imagine the outcomes being 100X worse if they were BPD.

I've read some stories here about jilted BPD-exes showing up to peoples' work, trying to exact revenge by making up allegations, etc.

Maybe if they don't know anything about you beyond your name, and you're not on linkedin or otherwise trackable online, or have a more common name, it's less risky.  But again, I think by even getting into a casual relationship, you're playing with fire.

[Pensive1]

In the case of my BPD ex (whom I was with for 25 years), I thought it was relatively unlikely that I'd lose her to someone else (even though she often threatened to end our relationship) because she is so difficult and nonfunctional. I thought wrong. An NPD guy pursued her as a side piece, and she left me for him. He initially led her to believe that they could end up a couple, but it's clear that he always only intended for her to be his mistress. Their relationship is unstable, but he's largely able to maintain control. It appears that he orders her around a lot, gaslights her (to undermine independent thought), essentially punishes her when she "misbehaves" toward him (he withdraws praise, engages in silent treatment, etc.), or when needed, goes back to briefly lovebombing her (to keep her attached and craving more). She always wanted to travel more, and they go on vacations a lot (which the guy's wife understands to be "business trips"). My ex often appears unhappy, because it's not a full relationship and she's often alone, but he knows how to manipulate her, to keep her stuck. And from what I can tell, he doesn't have the problem of feeling distressed at the emotional pain and crises she's often in (something that was a major difficulty for me), since he lacks much empathy. So in a way, he's getting mostly "good" stuff out of the relationship, with relatively little of the "bad" stuff that comes with her BPD, precisely because they're not a couple. Meanwhile, his wife (who knows nothing of all this) provides stability, fiscal gain, a good social appearance (they're both relatively high status), etc.

[zachira]

I would say you are playing with fire having superficial relationships whether the woman has BPD or other disorders. An unstable woman is the most likely to get pregnant on purpose, to accuse a man of rape among other things. Choosing to have superficial relationships with a woman you really don't care about keeps a man in a cycle in which he does not learn how to having meaningful loving relationships with a woman or is attractive to the right kind of women. Speaking from my experience as a woman, most men are able to have sex with a woman they don't know well however there is a point in which the man is no longer satisfied because it is only a sexual relationship.

[jaded7]

I mean, I tried to keep relationships casual with women who weren't pwBPD and those ended on unhappy terms after some point when they decided they wanted commitment and I didn't.  I can only imagine the outcomes being 100X worse if they were BPD.

I've read some stories here about jilted BPD-exes showing up to peoples' work, trying to exact revenge by making up allegations, etc.

Maybe if they don't know anything about you beyond your name, and you're not on linkedin or otherwise trackable online, or have a more common name, it's less risky.  But again, I think by even getting into a casual relationship, you're playing with fire.

I think its a very bad idea to have a 'casual' situation with a diagnosed BPD person, both from a practical and mental health perspective and from a healthy, adult relationship perspective.

I had a woman camp out at my door until I came home (admittedly very drunk) at 2am, refuse to leave, then SA me when I went to sleep/passed out.

When I told her this couldn't' happen again, she got very angry. We weren't a couple, we weren't dating, we hadn't even spent much time together.

[Notwendy]

I don't think a woman with BPD would be able to manage being a sidepiece. They may initially take on that persona- like the love bombing aspect is a persona too, but their true emotions are anxiety, fear of abandonment and they couldn't manage the lack of commitment emotionally.

From my own experience, if you are here, you are an empathetic person. Both of you would get hurt if you tried this.

[HoratioX]

I was the one who suggested the side-chick / friends-with-benefits mindset when engaging with BPD women.

SNIP

That's interesting because I actually had the conversation elsewhere, but this is really good information. Thanks!

[HoratioX]

i guess the question i would ask, is whether this is your picture of a healthy, mature, adult relationship, or whether you are asking "how can one most safely have a relationship with a complicated person, and keep all the good parts".

I don't think it's quite either, though it's probably closer to the latter.

I try not to judge the nature of other people's relationships. For some, being a mistress or "side chick" is a perfectly acceptable relationship, as is having one. There's the whole "Sugar Daddy" thing, which is close.  If it works for those people, that's fine. Personally, I don't see the point in being in a relationship if I need to go elsewhere to also have needs met, but that's just me.

I guess the premise of my question is whether the problem lies less in having a relationship with someone with BPD (etc.) as it is in having the wrong kind of relationship. That is, too many people might expect too much from someone with BPD (etc.), and thus the relationship as they conceive of it is doomed.

It's largely an academic question.  I'm not interested in having another relationship with someone who isn't emotionally or mentally healthy. Flawed if fine, but unhealthy is not.  But something I see echoed in so many responses about failed relationships with someone with BPD (etc.) seems to be the idea that the partner went in with expectations for a typical mature and monogamous relationship only to discover the person with BPD (etc.) was wholly incapable of it.

At the same time, a common denominator seems to be that sex was free and easy.  Thus, the idea of a mistress or side chick, which is usually someone who doesn't want any strings but is fine with the sex.

Now, though, as I've read the fine responses here, I see that idea is also doomed. It's clear the instability of someone with BPD (etc.) is most likely to translate into a bad relationship no matter what the definition, at least if they are not in therapy and in remission. 

[HoratioX]

So many good points in these points -- I'm still digesting many of them. Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses.

[Turkish]

I was in the situation with a coworker who in retrospect had to be BPD.

She was 14 years older, and her boyfriend a little more. She had driven him out of his own home temporarily. She was blatantly asking me to have sex... in front of her female friend from rehab (who said "go for it!") As well as her same age friends and their teen daughter and her friend visiting. Talk about awkward. I was sorely tempted, but didn't.

She had pulled a butcher knife on her husband over a year before (and bragged that she was tough and he was a coward for retreating to his SUV to call the cops).

Not to long later, she assaulted her boyfriend, the owner of the house, and was 5150'd. I visited her in lockup because she called me (i had poor boundaries). A sexy woman otherwise, but she was in pajamas and clutching a teddy bear when I visited. Yikes! It was a 40 year old sad and damaged "girl" I saw in reality for the first time.

She got stable and I moved out of state to return a few years later. We reconnected as friends. She still hinted that she wanted me, but didn't understand how I rejected her (she had a few more boyfriends of short times). Again, I was tempted, but she was  nuts. She was violent with her husband and boyfriend and was willing to cheat on her bf with me. Why entertain being with such a person no matter how much sexy fun time you might experience initially?

She ended up very rudely cutting me off by text soon after, likely because I was a man whom she couldn't seduce, despite the fact that she had told me that she loved me   

Stay Away from such people.

[Notwendy]

That is, their sexual intensity is terrific and the problems only really start when someone expects them to be stable and loving in a mature, healthy, and reciprocal relationship

This may appear to be the case but it's not. The intensity and love bombing is as disordered as the devaluation stage. Being the recipient of the love bombing stage seems great but it's a false persona- and underneath is an anxious and fearful disordered - and mentally ill- person.

I'm not judging the choice of being a side chick- if this is truly what the person wants and has consented to. That is their decision. However with BPD- the love bombing persona isn't authentic. It's not that they are lying or being dishonest. It's their need for love and attention and this is their disordered way of meeting it.

To hold them at a distance- is participating in the push- pull dynamic for a purpose.  You may not feel you are intentionally hurting them- but they are emotionally hurting already. The push pull dynamic is disordered, and by participating willfully- for the purpose of the love bombing and intense sex- isn't a mutual situation.

Someone with BPD feels like they are emotionally drowning, and the way they attract people is an act of desperation. If all they wanted was the intense action, that's where they'd stay but their emotional needs are greater- often too large for anyone else to solve for them. You tried but also couldn't. That's what results in the devaluation stage.

I think the usual situation is to unintentionally be in a relationship with someone with BPD and then discover issues but to do it strategically could be hurtful. Considering them for side chicks to them would feel as if you were holding an emotional life preserver in front of them and just out of reach. You aren't the one to fix their emotional issues but they hope you are.  As much as you all have been hurt-  if you can see this as being emotionally hurtful to them- it may not seem to be a workable situation.

[ChooseHappiness]

I knew a guy whose life was ruined by a former "side chick" -- once he moved on, she made all sorts of crazy allegations against him. I think now she was probably BPD given everything she did, but I can't say for certain. He was internationally famous in his field and lost his career, his family, his home, everything. He sued her over it but he'll never be able to recover the things he lost.

So I would say that even a casual relationship with someone with BPD is not worth the risk.

[jaded7]

This may appear to be the case but it's not. The intensity and love bombing is as disordered as the devaluation stage. Being the recipient of the love bombing stage seems great but it's a false persona- and underneath is an anxious and fearful disordered - and mentally ill- person.

I'm not judging the choice of being a side chick- if this is truly what the person wants and has consented to. That is their decision. However with BPD- the love bombing persona isn't authentic. It's not that they are lying or being dishonest. It's their need for love and attention and this is their disordered way of meeting it.

To hold them at a distance- is participating in the push- pull dynamic for a purpose.  You may not feel you are intentionally hurting them- but they are emotionally hurting already. The push pull dynamic is disordered, and by participating willfully- for the purpose of the love bombing and intense sex- isn't a mutual situation.

Someone with BPD feels like they are emotionally drowning, and the way they attract people is an act of desperation. If all they wanted was the intense action, that's where they'd stay but their emotional needs are greater- often too large for anyone else to solve for them. You tried but also couldn't. That's what results in the devaluation stage.

I think the usual situation is to unintentionally be in a relationship with someone with BPD and then discover issues but to do it strategically could be hurtful. Considering them for side chicks to them would feel as if you were holding an emotional life preserver in front of them and just out of reach. You aren't the one to fix their emotional issues but they hope you are.  As much as you all have been hurt-  if you can see this as being emotionally hurtful to them- it may not seem to be a workable situation.

I agree with your perspective here. There is no point doing this manipulation to someone with BPD, and it likely will backfire on you in the long run anyway.

As much as I've been hurt, and the rest of us too, by a person with BPD/cPTSD.....emotionally manipulating someone else is not the answer. At least for me.

[Cluster Beeline]

HoratioX,

That's super interesting that you heard the side chick theory elsewhere. It means I'm not the only crazy one! I thought you were referring to this comment I left on a thread started by OKrunch:

One thing I have learned from playing with far too much BPD fire over the years is that, to avoid getting burned, you should never become dependent on them in any way and keep a massive retaining wall between them and your loved ones. To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously.

Given the origin of BPD trauma--a failed parental-child attachment--it's reasonable to assert that a BPD woman's adult relationships would tend to mimic the ambivalent "side kid" status she experienced as a child.

Freud's theory of repetition compulsion holds that people cope with past traumatic events  during the rest of their lives though the compulsive repetition of their primal trauma. This means unconsciously a BPD woman seeks to replicate her "side kid" trauma through unstable and non-monogamous adult relationships.

The BPD Family board is an example of this process. It allows those of use who lived through traumatic relationships with BPD's to relive our trauma, but in a safe manner.

There are at least two other drives that intermingle and interfere with Freud's compulsive repetition drive. She will to some extent internalize a society's social norms which until very recently preached monogamy. In addition, a BPD woman will feel a natural urge to recreate. These drives tend to counter her compulsion to repeat her unstable childhood, but are often weaker than her primal trauma.

On the surface a BPD woman may demand commitment due to social norms or child rearing. But in practise this always results in forcing a square BPD peg into the round hole of monogamy. Worse, BPD's usually match with men displaying co-dependant traits. These men crave commitment. Tension builds inside her during idealization. Healthy relationships lack that paradoxically soothing ambivalence that defined her childhood. Too much healthy attachment eventually destabilizes the BPD partner. In a frenetic compulsion to relive her childhood trauma, she inappropriately lashes out in jealousy. She projects a dysfunctional image upon what in reality is a stable canvas. In doing so she verbally attempts to slash and gouge away her partner's attachment--seeking to reassert the ambivalence she felt from her parents. If these jealous outbursts don't succeed in severing her partner's attachment, inevitable bouts of cheating eventually will.

And so there is some reason to believe that psychologically, a side chick relationship is more soothing to a BPD woman than futile attempts at monogamy. One thing is sure, it takes a man further along the narcissistic scale to execute this gambit. By the way, I am not recommending any of this; dating a BPD is as clever as juggling live hand grenades.

[EyesUp]

Friends, I'm here to tell you that not all BPDs have sexual intensity, and not all people with sexual intensity have BPD.

I'd like to think that the best way to think about pwBPD is the same way we should about anyone - strive for fairness, honesty, mutual respect and fairness.

We often run into challenges with pwBPD when they perceive something differently than it was intended, or when they feel entitled to act out in unexpected and sometimes unfair ways.

In my time, I've seen people who likely don't meet the criteria for BPD also behave in less than ideal ways when embarrassed, challenged, or otherwise stressed. 

OP hit the mark re: "this sounds like merely using another person for sex, and in this case, one with profound emotional and mental illnesses."

Of course everyone's entitled to their view - but for me, that's the answer to the question.

If a known BPD proposes a FWB situation, is it fair to proceed?  That particular balancing act is tough to do with anyone - someone usually wants to renegotiate the terms of engagement sooner or later.  That situation is exponentially more difficult to navigate with a pwBPD.

[Notwendy]

OP hit the mark re: "this sounds like merely using another person for sex, and in this case, one with profound emotional and mental illnesses."

Of course everyone's entitled to their view - but for me, that's the answer to the question.

My opinion too.

I understand that coming here, most of you have experienced significant hurt from your BPD relationship and wonder if there's a way to keep the "good part" without you getting burned.

If two people pair up in a dysfunctional relationship- then both of them may be repeating their own family trauma. The safe way to work this out is in therapy, not with a mentally ill and emotionally unstable person.

It's not as if these people are emotionally fine with the exception of monogomous relationships. BPD affects all relationships. If they can not handle monogomy - that doesn't mean they would be able to handle being a side chick. They can't manage either of them and being a side chick may even be worse for them.

As EyesUp said well- this is about you and your actions and values. Knowing you may be engaging in side chick situation with a seriously mentally ill person and possibly causing her more emotional harm, do you really want to do that?

Surely if a casual side chick situation is what you are seeking- there must be some women who are not mentally ill out there to match up with. It's possible to unintentionally find yourself in a situation with someone with BPD but to intentionally seek out BPD women for that- it's not good for them. Yes, they may have hurt you and done unthinkable things. It doesn't justify what they did to realize that the source of their behavior is their own trauma and emotional pain, but it also doesn't do any good to either of you to add to it.

[Cluster Beeline]

I think everyone agrees that the best choice is to avoid any relationship with BPD's.

The topic of this thread is whether if one must have a relationship with a BPD, is monogamy or FWB preferable. My point of view is that attempting a monogamous relationship with a BPD is orders of magnitude more dangerous than insisting on a FWB situation. The question really is which framework will limit their partner's emotional financial and mental damage.

Having children, buying houses or even moving in with a BPD will lead to entanglements and entrapment. This will only prolong the punishment, in some cases for a lifetime.

If we all agree that the best solution is to avoid any relationship with a BPD, then surely the second best method is to pursue as limited as possible a relationship which leaves the path clearer for a clean escape. As has been mentioned above, clean getaways are in no way guaranteed, which brings us back to the best choice: avoiding all relationships with BPD's

Best: Avoid all relationships
Bad: FWB
Worst: Monogamy

[Turkish]

Friends, I'm here to tell you that not all BPDs have sexual intensity, and not all people with sexual intensity have BPD.

My mother was dBPD. She was Silent Gen, but flirted with the hippie lifestyle in San Francisco in the late 1960s into 1970 or so. After an engagement and an encouraged abortion, she was celibate and asexual until the day she died. She adopted me as a single mother in 1974 at 32 years old.

[seekingtheway]

This discussion has been fascinating.

One thing I think applies to all relationship types, whether it's monogamy, FWB or whatever arrangement gets applied - there's no stability to any of it. So it can only last a while before something happens which means the arrangement is no longer beneficial/doesn't feel right/will be sabotaged.

Fear of engulfment kicks in hard with stable monogamous relationships, fear of abandonment would kick in sooner with FWB. And that's just one aspect of what could go wrong given there are still the dynamics of a mentally unwell person to have to deal with no matter what relationship they're in. As someone said, it's not just relationships where BPD shows its face. I see this with my ex-MIL who is BPD. Life is a misery for her as well as everyone close to her.

I felt my ex searching around for the right arrangement for us once we entered the push/pull death roll. I do think his ideal scenario would have been something similar to what ClusterBee suggsted where it was casual/FWB for him in terms of his investment (and still being able to connect in whatever way he wanted with other females for attention validation) –  but for me to be 100% faithful, committed, available, focused on him etc. But I also think he very much wanted the social status of being part of a couple, so he would have liked it to at least appear very committed and exclusive from the outside.

I feel like this is the dynamic that ends up happening in so many 'monogamous' BPD relationships against the non-BPD partner's will and even knowledge... not many people in their right mind would want a relationship like that if they knew that's what the deal was.

But very much agree it's not something to experiment with or consider manipulating for the benefit of keeping the good parts of their loved ones. I just wish there were better prospects for recovery. It's just a really PLEASE READty thing to have to live with and around.

[Pensive1]

I think the pwBPD as side chick can "work" for some nons, but not if the non has much empathy.

I really agree with Notwendy: "To hold them at a distance- is participating in the push- pull dynamic for a purpose.  You may not feel you are intentionally hurting them- but they are emotionally hurting already."
"...but to intentionally seek out BPD women for that- it's not good for them."

Jaded: "emotionally manipulating someone else is not the answer. At least for me."

In the case of my ex, who's now the side chick of an apparently NPD guy, the situation is extremely painful (for her), and has led to a lot of psychological deterioration. It appears to only be maintained by the manipulativeness of the guy.

Cluster Beeline: "Freud's theory of repetition compulsion holds that people cope with past traumatic events  during the rest of their lives though the compulsive repetition of their primal trauma."

So true. My ex has repeatedly gotten into relationship with NPDs, with only a few exceptions, recreating her original trauma (abuse at the hands of a malignant NPD stepfather). And I got involved with her, even though I didn't recognize it at the time, because I was raised by a mother with BPD.

Eyesup: "Friends, I'm here to tell you that not all BPDs have sexual intensity, and not all people with sexual intensity have BPD."

Turkish: "My mother was dBPD. She was Silent Gen, but flirted with the hippie lifestyle in San Francisco in the late 1960s into 1970 or so. After an engagement and an encouraged abortion, she was celibate and asexual until the day she died."

A lot of truth in those comments. My ex has a pattern of being incredibly hypersexual at the beginning of relationships, then ultimately becoming hyposexual (refusing all sex). From what I've read, that's very common in BPD. Moreover, in reading comments from BPDs on forums, it seems quite a few BPDs ultimately cope with the pain and dysfunction of relationships, once they become aware of their patterns, by forswearing relationships and becoming celibate.

[PeteWitsend]

...

The topic of this thread is whether if one must have a relationship with a BPD, is monogamy or FWB preferable. ...

Best: Avoid all relationships
Bad: FWB
Worst: Monogamy

Maybe we got a little off topic, but originally the topic was literally this (cut and pasted from the OP):

In another discussion about how women with BPD (or potentially CPTSD, anxiety, etc.), someone quipped that while such women may make terrible wives and girlfriends because of their instability and penchant for splitting and self destruction, they make great mistresses and "side chicks."

I just can't imagine a situation where one HAD to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  To knowingly enter into a relationship with a pwBPD in order to take advantage of their mental state seems like a bad idea to me, for all the reasons discussed above.

And I'd add to what @notwendy said, about confusing their initial "love bombing" for a penchant for a high sex drive... I think that quality in a pwBPD is independent of the BPD; like maybe in many cases you'll have that wild honeymoon period, as she overcompensates for her own perceived lack of desirability and mental issues by being overly generous and loving, but after that period of time is over, you may very well be seeing a different side of her, when the honeymoon period is over. 

And I'd caution against forming broad opinions of a person based on limited experience with them... as many of us have found out, pwBPD can be one type of person at first, or to casual acquaintances, but a very different person over time.  How do you know what you're getting involved with until the relationship blows up on you?

[HappyChappy]

I just can't imagine a situation where one HAD to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  To knowingly enter into a relationship with a pwBPD in order to take advantage of their mental state seems like a bad idea to me, for all the reasons discussed above.

Agreed. If someone has CPTSD this can "retraumatize" them and make their CPTSD worse. I've often read someone with NPD (and no moral compass) is naturally predatorial to vulnerabilities of this nature. So thanks PeteWitsend for highlighting this issue - we need to protect the vulnerable. 

[HappyChappy]

... correction CTPD and or BPD, they're both vulnerable.

[HappyChappy]

... correction CTPD and or BPD, they're both vulnerable.

woops ... CPTSD (not CTPD)