>sabotage

[usagi]

Hello forum,

I've been given this a lot of thought lately and it finally occurred to me that my partner sabotaged our relationship.  With a little distance and hindsight it seems clearer to me now.  We would have periods in our relationship where things were going well.  Seems on average about a three month span.  After that time something would happen to throw her into a fit.  Quite often it had something to do with my hobby.  That was really the only reason I wouldn't be at home spending time with her and her son.  But it has happened other times too.  The other triggers were that either I wasn't able to parent her son or I couldn't remember what her (many) needs were.  When it came to my hobby, however, I had a much harder time responding to her.  Probably because she would usually demand that I give it up.

We had a pattern for sure.  She would become dysregulated for one of the reasons mentioned above.  Next there would be some conflict or at the very least a statement from her that she couldn't possibly be in a relationship with someone who couldn't co-parent her son or remember all the little things that she liked.  Somehow we'd muddle through the hurt feelings.  Then we'd go back into a more of a honeymoon period where everything was going to be OK.  She even had a little mantra she'd repeat to herself, "everything is going to be OK."  She'd say it over and over after we'd overcome whatever the disruption was.

This last time there was really no apparent reason for the explosion.  I was actually going to spend much less time away at my hobby because I found a way to do it closer to home.  We were talking openly about buying a house together in a year or so.  And she seemed excited to be exploring our new city with me.  Suddenly she demanded that I quit my hobby or we would be through.

Her fears have completely run the show in our relationship.  The pattern of trigger, explosion, resolution, honeymoon until the next trigger have honestly been going on since the beginning.

I feel that at this point I've done what I can to support her issues.  Sure I've made some mistakes.  I have let my own emotions get the better of me and lashed out at her when I could have done more to find my own calm first before talking with her.

In every case, it started with an irrational emotional reaction to something that I did, or sometimes didn't, do.  That is the sabotage that drove the cycle.

I feel bad for my ex-partner.  She lives in such a fearful world where those closest to her cause her to feel immense pain.  Pushing them away only causes more pain.  She's not able to see any of this.  It's like she keeps drinking poison and wondering why she's sick.

I would be open to working with her on things but she would need to start to see how her emotions and fears play into the dysfunction of our relationship.  She is at times overly critical of herself and vehemently opposed to taking responsibility for anything.

Viewing her actions in this way is helping me have compassion for the situation.

There's a scene in "Night at the Museum" where the night guard gets into a fight with a monkey.  Teddy Roosevelt rides up and exclaims "Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?!"  My partner would often remind me of that scene if I got into an argument with her 12 year old over something that I could walk away from.  I feel like when I'm overwhelmed with my emotions I'm doing the same thing.  I'm basically getting into an argument with someone who has the emotional development of a 3 year old.

I don't think I can be with her but I also don't have to be angry with her.

[mugsydublin]

In my experience, BPDs will sabotage a relationship only to then reel the non back in. So you may experience that, My NPD ex wife began lovebombing me once she had pushed the relationship to its limits.

Your gf may be going scorched earth to preempt you ending the relationship. But this also may be one side of splitting that will then boomerang the other way. With my BPD ex, it seems like we were on the verge of divorce over and over.

[usagi]

Thanks mugsydublin,

I'm really expecting that to happen.  She's already been leaving me food and pictures she's painted at my house.  She's also invited me to a few things as "friends".

But this is the dysfunctional cycle we've been in.  There's an event, we've called them stepping on a landmine, a "break-up" and a make up.

It's on me to not contribute to this cycle anymore.  I've done what I can to support her but she's unwilling to even admit that she should contribute to changing the status quo.

I honestly wish that she'd be willing to do something, anything different.  So far in our relationship I've never seen that.  Anytime I've asked I get a hour long speech about why that isn't possible.

[mugsydublin]

Do you have a therapist? I really recommend getting one if you have not. Shop around to find the right one. Part of what we have to deal with is understanding why we sabotage ourselves by getting involved with BPDs. I am not one to talk, as a three-time loser (third marriage, third experience with a personality disorder). A lot of it is really about what is RIGHT with us. I think that nons tend to be empathic and generous people who have a tendency to think the best of other people.

In my case, there is also a wounded child deep down because of growing up with a BPD mother.

Anyway, I still did get involved with a BPD, despite therapy. But I am more able to cope, I think. You are probably in therapy, but just some advice if you are not. To take care of yourself.

And it is really important not to give up your hobby for her.

[usagi]

I do have a very good therapist.  She was the one that clued me into BPD.  She's incredibly insightful.

That's something that others have commented on and I think there is some truth in.  My first marriage was with someone with some major childhood trauma.  I don't think she had a personality disorder but that trauma played a big role in the dysfunctional dance we had which ultimately ended the relationship.

When I've told some of my friends about the behavior I've seen from my ex partner they've all had basically the same reaction.  "Why are you still with her?"  And I think that's probably how most people would react.  I do think that folks that are in longer relationships with pwBPD are very empathetic and caring.  We are care takers.

There is some unpacking to do there I'm sure.  Whether or not I could have stayed with my partner it's something that I need to work on in my life.

[mugsydublin]

I figured out BPD when Dr. Melfi on the Sopranos identified Tony's mother as borderline. Was just like my mother. Then I began investigating and understood that it also was my wife. It makes sense that growing up in such a household, I am looking for approval to try to make things right. It's been a journey of self-discovery.

I notice that in all of my relationships, there has been some bonding because of our tumultuous upbringings, especially with mothers. Of course, now it all makes sense.

I feel that I am lucky that I had a very loving and nurturing father. He probably saved me from falling into the trap myself.

[kells76]

Just touching base here -- want to make sure we're in the right place for processing.

I've been given this a lot of thought lately and it finally occurred to me that my partner sabotaged our relationship.  With a little distance and hindsight it seems clearer to me now.  We would have periods in our relationship where things were going well.  Seems on average about a three month span.  After that time something would happen to throw her into a fit.  Quite often it had something to do with my hobby.  That was really the only reason I wouldn't be at home spending time with her and her son.  But it has happened other times too.  The other triggers were that either I wasn't able to parent her son or I couldn't remember what her (many) needs were.  When it came to my hobby, however, I had a much harder time responding to her.  Probably because she would usually demand that I give it up.

usagi, I think I'm hearing from you that you're choosing to be done with the relationship, and are kind of in a "postmortem"/reflection place right now? Did I get that right?

[usagi]

Hi kells,

Sadly I think that's probably true.  I suppose I should start posting on the other board.  It's just been a bit of a transition and I've been in this grey world before (not sure if she really wants to break-up).  I would be open to continuing to work on the relationship but it seems like my ex partner is not open to that.  And, I wouldn't be able to go forward with that unless she was able to contribute and talk about what she could do differently.  Right now it feels like she's stuck in a victim role.

[EyesUp]

Her fears have completely run the show in our relationship.  The pattern of trigger, explosion, resolution, honeymoon until the next trigger have honestly been going on since the beginning.


Usagi, those cycles sound very familiar...  In my experience, it was like the devaluing phases got worse and worse - it did seem like sabotage.  We can try to make sense of it - is it a test?   But then, no rational person would devise a test that has a really good chance of destroying a relationship - right?

In response to the topic of this thread:  100% yes - sabotage is another page in the BPD playbook.  Self sabotage, partner sabotage, family sabotage, job sabotage, etc. - it can emerge in these and other ways.  It aligns with the victim mentality - a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Sometimes it attracts new energy into the relationship from the former partner - or the new one!

Part of the solution is to set boundaries and look inward and decide what's truly right, or merely acceptable, for you.

It sounds like some things are coming into focus - clearly not what you wanted, but maybe what you've come to accept?  No wrong answers...

[usagi]

Thanks Eyes up,

I'm sad that my thread ended up hear to be honest.  But it's the right place for it I fear.

I just got done talking with my therapist about this.  The boundary is that I can't be in a relationship with someone who expects me to do all the work.  Now, if I were a drug addict or had some other overwhelming issues I could see a large unbalance in the work that I'd need to do compared with my partner.  That's not the case here.

In healthy relationships, the couple should be able to come together to talk through issues and come up with solutions.  That never really happened with my ex.  She was also never able to present some insight about something that was a hurdle in the relationship that she could change.

It's very sad.  I watched this whole thing crumble in my hands and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop it.  I did everything that I could and it wasn't enough.

[EyesUp]

It's very sad.  I watched this whole thing crumble in my hands and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop it.  I did everything that I could and it wasn't enough.


Usagi, in some of your posts, it sounds like you're seeing the dynamic clearly, but in others it sounds like you haven't accepted it.  In this statement above, you're attempting to take responsibility for the relationship ending.   I get this - I'm all for personal accountability.  And I've certainly taken more than my fair share of responsibility for things in my past relationship with a pwBPD, as we generally do...  Let's face it: we usually have to, in order for the relationship to continue.

Let that sink in:  If you don't take responsibility for the relationship (in which "responsibility" means agreeing to accept the blame that the pwBPD wishes to assign to you), then the relationship will end - or, if you accept the blame, the relationship will continue in some form - maybe makeup sex, or maybe another circular argument - but it continues.  Does that sound about right?

I often comment that the idea of "radical acceptance" sometimes seems like a path forward - if you accept your partner, the relationship might continue.  However it can be applied inward, too.  It takes radical acceptance to recognize the thing that you can change - that you didn't think you could change.

That may be learning to fully accept that the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.  It may be accepting that you could change her (of course not, btw - even in "normal" relationships people struggle with this).   It may be accepting something else about yourself that you haven't had a chance to consider because you've been so focused on her.

I highlight this to suggest that you take extra care at this moment.  Recovery will require some acceptance - it's something you can gift to yourself.

Your feelings re: balance in a relationship are 100% valid.  

[usagi]

Thanks for the comments EyesUp,

She's trying to get me to come back now after about a week apart.  Last night she came over to drop off a dog that we have together.  We agreed that she could have her over to be with our other dog sometimes.  On her way to drop her off she texted that she wanted to show me something and that I'd need to wear shorts and some tennis shoes.  When she got here she walked us over to a pickle ball court near my house.  We played for about an hour.  At the end, she asked me if I still wanted to come to California with her.  And she asked if I still wanted to be with her in general.  I said that I did want to be with her but couldn't because of the constant conflict that we find ourselves in.

We walked home mostly in silence.  She asked me about why we can't be together.  Before I could answer she said "it's because of your hobby right?"  I said no I was going to say that it's because of the dysfunctional conflicts that we are constantly in.  She asked me what I needed.  I said that I wanted to see her offer up things that she could change about the cycle, that we could work on it together and not just ask me to do things differently.  This prompted her to ask if I was talking with my therapist about how my relationship with my hobby ruined my family.  I said that I do talk about that sort of but that I didn't see it in the same way that she did.

When we got home she was in tears.  She demanded right that moment for me to tell her that I didn't want her.  I said that that wasn't true. I said that I did want to be with her but that I couldn't because of our conflict.  She kept repeating her ask that I tell her I didn't want her anymore.  I said I wouldn't say something that wasn't true.

She drove off crying loudly.  I went inside and tried to collect myself.  Not long after I hear the doorbell.  It was her.  She didn't say anything so I asked her to come inside and get away from the bugs.  She came in and we sat down in the living room to talk.  We talked about how therapy is so difficult for her and that when I had her go with me a few weeks ago that was really the start of her not feeling like she could stay in the relationship.  We also talked about what she could do differently.  I mentioned that I had asked her to not talk about me leaving and finding another partner.  She said that she did that and I reminded her that I asked a couple of weeks ago and she gave me many reasons that she couldn't.

Then she started talking about how profoundly empty she felt and how she was going to fail at her job and that she was so lonely.  I talked quietly with her, gave her some water and a tissue.  I gave her a hug and she started  to calm down.

I told her that we should keep talking and she went home.  Later that night I found out that she didn't have her SSRI meds for a couple of days.

Just this morning I hinted that I might know of something that might explain her emptiness, abandonment, and difficulty controlling her emotions.  She said that she'd be open to learning about it.  I don't feel like I can hold this secret anymore.  This might be the final nail in the coffin but I have to tell her.