got thrown out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm pushing 80, grew up the offspring of my mother's failed marriage, trying to figure out where I fitted in to the new nuclear family that formed around her new husband, who was very upper crust and as I now realize regarded me as a kind of foster child, experienced the bigotry of his family who undoubtedly questioned his judgement and my origins... but enough of that. I feel I have experienced most of what I read here over the years...but I was not prepared for or even knew anything about Borderline Personality Disorder until I completely fell in love and still am with a gent in his 70s I met online....we corresponded by email for 2-3 years, opened our hearts, built a lasting and trusting friendship, he was smart and fun and interesting and he made me feel like Mona Lisa... We are both half Italian so that was a very strong bond. We discussed our relationship candidly, what we valued, our circumstances... except one, that is, he was committed to another woman (I did guess it, it's not that hard but he sidestepped my question)... and about 2 years ago he asked me to help him do caregiving for a client, so I accepted. It would be the only way to finally meet him, and I could use the money. Imagine my confusion when I arrived and discovered that not only was the client a woman in our age range, but he was a live-in AND shared the one bed with her! By that time, he and I had developed serious affection, he has valiantly tried to get me over my "jealousy" while denying any romantic interest in her... after now 11 years of living with her, who he met on a dating site... And he believes that she will kick him out and render him homeless if he crosses her in any way. OK, he is a combat veteran of the Vietnam era, and has done an amazing job of rehabilitating himself in therapy, I greatly respect him for that, we have managed to share many contented and warm moments short of actual intimacy, but I have needed and wanted that warmth I experienced with our first embrace and kiss... In the meantime, the dream of RVing together has been heavily postponed as the client has worsened but refuses to go into a nursing home, which saddles him with her round-the-clock care as it impacts his own health, energy and his 100% VA disability... and he insists on keeping his pledge to keep her in her run-down rat-infested home ... so where am I going with this? As the tension between the 3 of us has overflowed several times to where I have reacted negatively to the situation, he has begun to accuse me of creating "hate and discontent," needing therapy if I am to ever live with him -- my dream that I believed was going to happen and did all the research including shopping for an RV with him. Turns out the dream he laid out before me was actually meant for her, but she refused initially... but he is adamant about doing it and now he has both the truck and the RV and he will do it, as if all the months of feeling so close are as dust in the wind. I have been happy to try and meet his terms and conditions -- but this one I can't meet. He seems glued to her even though her condition would normally have her getting the care she needs in a home, and now I am on the outs for objecting to that plan as too risky. He finally said he is worn out with our fighting over this, has made threats, says I have not shown any progress in therapy (with only 2 sessions so far) and has now blocked all contact. All of this and more makes me think I have been dealing with a borderline, and reading as much as I can to understand what has happened. I believe now that I am no longer "the one," that his "client" is his "favorite person" as she is completely under his control for all her daily activities. Am I heartbroken? Yes and no, because I now realize that this relationship was doomed from the start, it began so beautifully and hopefully, but ultimately he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can accept I made a mistake due to my own desires and I became a lightning rod in a toxic situation. Thanks for listening.

[Forever_Yours]

I'm pushing 80, grew up the offspring of my mother's failed marriage, trying to figure out where I fitted in to the new nuclear family that formed around her new husband, who was very upper crust and as I now realize regarded me as a kind of foster child, experienced the bigotry of his family who undoubtedly questioned his judgement and my origins... but enough of that. I feel I have experienced most of what I read here over the years...but I was not prepared for or even knew anything about Borderline Personality Disorder until I completely fell in love and still am with a gent in his 70s I met online....we corresponded by email for 2-3 years, opened our hearts, built a lasting and trusting friendship, he was smart and fun and interesting and he made me feel like Mona Lisa... We are both half Italian so that was a very strong bond. We discussed our relationship candidly, what we valued, our circumstances... except one, that is, he was committed to another woman (I did guess it, it's not that hard but he sidestepped my question)... and about 2 years ago he asked me to help him do caregiving for a client, so I accepted. It would be the only way to finally meet him, and I could use the money. Imagine my confusion when I arrived and discovered that not only was the client a woman in our age range, but he was a live-in AND shared the one bed with her! By that time, he and I had developed serious affection, he has valiantly tried to get me over my "jealousy" while denying any romantic interest in her... after now 11 years of living with her, who he met on a dating site... And he believes that she will kick him out and render him homeless if he crosses her in any way. OK, he is a combat veteran of the Vietnam era, and has done an amazing job of rehabilitating himself in therapy, I greatly respect him for that, we have managed to share many contented and warm moments short of actual intimacy, but I have needed and wanted that warmth I experienced with our first embrace and kiss... In the meantime, the dream of RVing together has been heavily postponed as the client has worsened but refuses to go into a nursing home, which saddles him with her round-the-clock care as it impacts his own health, energy and his 100% VA disability... and he insists on keeping his pledge to keep her in her run-down rat-infested home ... so where am I going with this? As the tension between the 3 of us has overflowed several times to where I have reacted negatively to the situation, he has begun to accuse me of creating "hate and discontent," needing therapy if I am to ever live with him -- my dream that I believed was going to happen and did all the research including shopping for an RV with him. Turns out the dream he laid out before me was actually meant for her, but she refused initially... but he is adamant about doing it and now he has both the truck and the RV and he will do it, as if all the months of feeling so close are as dust in the wind. I have been happy to try and meet his terms and conditions -- but this one I can't meet. He seems glued to her even though her condition would normally have her getting the care she needs in a home, and now I am on the outs for objecting to that plan as too risky. He finally said he is worn out with our fighting over this, has made threats, says I have not shown any progress in therapy (with only 2 sessions so far) and has now blocked all contact. All of this and more makes me think I have been dealing with a borderline, and reading as much as I can to understand what has happened. I believe now that I am no longer "the one," that his "client" is his "favorite person" as she is completely under his control for all her daily activities. Am I heartbroken? Yes and no, because I now realize that this relationship was doomed from the start, it began so beautifully and hopefully, but ultimately he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can accept I made a mistake due to my own desires and I became a lightning rod in a toxic situation. Thanks for listening.

[kells76]

Hello Forever_Yours and welcome to the group 

I think it's meaningful that you led with describing your family of origin ("FOO"). Our early family experiences can calibrate what we think of as "normal" for relationships -- and can acclimate us to accepting dysfunction because it feels normal and familiar. Over time, many of us here who join for other pwBPD (an ex, a partner's ex, a child, a boss, a friend, etc), come to realize that our family members may also have challenges. It makes a lot of sense that you felt like you were trying to figure out how you belonged in your family experiences.

Your current situation sounds complicated, to say the least. If I'm following you, you started a relationship with a man who didn't exactly reveal that the client he worked for was also who he had been sharing a bed with for over a decade. That would be shocking to find out.

I have been happy to try and meet his terms and conditions -- but this one I can't meet. He seems glued to her even though her condition would normally have her getting the care she needs in a home, and now I am on the outs for objecting to that plan as too risky.

And am I understanding correctly that the condition you can't meet is -- he's fine with continuing to "care for" his "client" in the home with the current setup (bedsharing)? And you're OK with his other conditions for RVing together, but this one is your "line in the sand"?

And, given that disagreement, he has decided to end the relationship with you?

Am I heartbroken? Yes and no, because I now realize that this relationship was doomed from the start, it began so beautifully and hopefully, but ultimately he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can accept I made a mistake due to my own desires and I became a lightning rod in a toxic situation.

That's well put. It sounds like you recognize how good the start of it felt, and that it became even more volatile and toxic as time went on. So there are things you miss and things you don't.

Are you continuing going to therapy?