So I have struggled with BPD-like traits and I found myself a BPD partner (unknowingly). The love bombing met needs I didn't even know I had. I finally felt awakened sexually, as I had experienced sexless relationships (my decision, as I come from trauma and sex was always a challenge), then my partner pulled away/withdrew affection in a way that severely impacted my self-esteem. My partner would shower me with love, then pull away, the typical BPD stuff... and have the defensive and aggressive outbursts and never was receptive to feedback. It was hell... but it was also heaven. It created this codependency in me that I had never felt before... and although my conscious and objective mind knew that this was all due to abuse and manipulation, I couldn't overcome the pain when I tried to break free. We had been seeing a couples therapist but it wasn't really getting much better. After a BPD diagnosis, things seemed promising. It wasn't enough, as I know it takes a lot of work and dedication and change doesn't occur overnight.
I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked him out when he wouldn't leave. This obviously created a
PLEASE READstorm of trouble. I went through some severe withdrawal for a week until he came to say goodbye before moving away (800 miles). He was able to rope me back in slowly at first. After a few months of communication I visited him. It was bliss but it was also nerve-wracking. We were back together and he was ready to move back in when his contract was over in September. I cannot lie, when we talked about the future I would get this bad gut feeling. I felt almost trapped... OMG what if he came back and my life was hell again? What if he isn't better? What if I feel like I am stuck and he erodes my self-esteem to the point that it becomes my life forever? But what if he gets better? What if I am overreacting because I have some BPD traits that I have spent years in therapy overcoming? He IS getting better. I can see it... or is he manipulating me? Is this just phase 1 all over again? I am so twisted up. I feel out of touch with reality and I feel like I have been gaslit to the point of not knowing if I can trust my intuition.
Then... two days before I fly back home... hanging out with a friend and him... discussing getting back to the airport... he tells me that his plan is to drop me off at the airport at 4am for a 10am flight, which would mean I would have to get up at 1:30am. Why? So he can get to work 1.5 hours early (because he likes to get in 1.5 hours early). His work is flexible, so he is actually able to work it out to get into work late as long as he lets people know. He often covers for his colleagues, even sending them home early and taking up their work just to be kind to them...
But why isn't he being kind to me? Of course, this created an argument. He didn't understand why I didn't see getting up at 1:30 am and getting to an airport (that doesn't even open until 6am) at 4am for a 10am flight as totally reasonable.
I felt totally devalued. I felt totally marginalized. Again, out of convenience for him, there is little to no consideration for me.
I asked him if he would do that to his mother? Tell her that he could "make it work" to pick her up and drop her off at an airport... of course, the answer was NO. he wouldn't do that to his mother, father, brother... but he would certainly do it to me.
He ended up apologizing and telling me that he "gets it," but the only real thing he's apologizing for is NOT TELLING ME that his plan was 1:30am/4am at a closed airport 6 hours before my flight when he told me he could "make it work." He regrets not telling me the plan... he doesn't regret MAKING THE PLAN. I tried to emphasize to him that the PLAN was the problem, and not telling me was a secondary problem likely associated with his own subconscious recognizing that it was a
PLEASE READed up thing to do to someone... which is why he didn't tell me that was how he was going to "make it work" when I told him about my flights.
I left him. That was the last straw for me. I have no idea if this is related him having BPD or just him being an inconsiderate prick who, once he felt secure with me again, would just marginalize me. Is this part of the BPD devaluing? I don't know and honestly, I am not sure if it matters. To some, this might seem petty... but I don't think I am overreacting. This is another example of several other instances where he has treated me more like a pet than a human.
I am done being treated this way. Who does that to someone? This, for me, spoke volumes about the type of treatment I can expect in the future. He was planning on proposing to me this summer.
How can someone put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen, only to turn around the next day and marginalize you so? THAT does sound like BPD.... but it
PLEASE READs with my brain. The affection and love-bombing have given me the dopamine rush I need... but it is usually followed up with some withdrawal, pain, and regret. He has become my addiction. I am sick to my stomach that I love him so, which is also sad... because love is beautiful.
I have been crying every day since... and it's only been about a week... I am trying so hard to move on. I have not heard from him. He has not changed his FB relationship status or blocked me. I am not sure if he thinks it's real or not... I don't know... but I am TERRIFIED for when he does reach back out because... I have such a hard time "quitting" him. I know that "no contact" is the best way to go, but I am not sure I have the strength. He will reach back out. He does love me so much. He knows I love him unconditionally... I just can't do this anymore. He also has hundreds of dollars worth of my stuff... that I want to get back... I have asked a friend to get it for me at some point (if he doesn't burn it in some BPD rage blackout, which he gets) and mail it to me.
I love this man. The love is real. He loves me incredibly, even if that love comes from a dark place... not all of it does. I hate when people say that those with BPD cannot love or make it seem like they are bad people. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't want to be this person. It's miserable for everyone... but it's quite literally setting me back mentally and emotionally in a new and far more toxic way.
I know that he has traits that appeal to the shadow side of me... and my trauma... and my "captain save a hoe" mentality... I love him so much, but he's not good for me. I cannot wait around, be a punching bag, or hold out hope. I am 37 and I want to start a family. I am not trying to waste time waiting around for a person to stop treating me poorly, drinking too much, not following through, not helping me around the house or with bills, withholding intimacy, marginalizing me, and having rage blackouts and tantrums that drain and injure me.
I need advice on how to break away but not demonize him. I need advice on how to move on and have the strength to recover from the massive hole in my self-esteem that he created in order to stick his talons into me so that he could call me his.