Having trouble and feeling lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I have struggled with BPD-like traits and I found myself a BPD partner (unknowingly). The love bombing met needs I didn't even know I had. I finally felt awakened sexually, as I had experienced sexless relationships (my decision, as I come from trauma and sex was always a challenge), then my partner pulled away/withdrew affection in a way that severely impacted my self-esteem. My partner would shower me with love, then pull away, the typical BPD stuff... and have the defensive and aggressive outbursts and never was receptive to feedback. It was hell... but it was also heaven. It created this codependency in me that I had never felt before... and although my conscious and objective mind knew that this was all due to abuse and manipulation, I couldn't overcome the pain when I tried to break free. We had been seeing a couples therapist but it wasn't really getting much better. After a BPD diagnosis, things seemed promising. It wasn't enough, as I know it takes a lot of work and dedication and change doesn't occur overnight.

I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked him out when he wouldn't leave. This obviously created a PLEASE READstorm of trouble. I went through some severe withdrawal for a week until he came to say goodbye before moving away (800 miles). He was able to rope me back in slowly at first. After a few months of communication I visited him. It was bliss but it was also nerve-wracking. We were back together and he was ready to move back in when his contract was over in September. I cannot lie, when we talked about the future I would get this bad gut feeling. I felt almost trapped... OMG what if he came back and my life was hell again? What if he isn't better? What if I feel like I am stuck and he erodes my self-esteem to the point that it becomes my life forever? But what if he gets better? What if I am overreacting because I have some BPD traits that I have spent years in therapy overcoming? He IS getting better. I can see it... or is he manipulating me? Is this just phase 1 all over again? I am so twisted up. I feel out of touch with reality and I feel like I have been gaslit to the point of not knowing if I can trust my intuition.

Then... two days before I fly back home... hanging out with a friend and him... discussing getting back to the airport... he tells me that his plan is to drop me off at the airport at 4am for a 10am flight, which would mean I would have to get up at 1:30am.  Why? So he can get to work 1.5 hours early (because he likes to get in 1.5 hours early). His work is flexible, so he is actually able to work it out to get into work late as long as he lets people know. He often covers for his colleagues, even sending them home early and taking up their work just to be kind to them...

But why isn't he being kind to me? Of course, this created an argument. He didn't understand why I didn't see getting up at 1:30 am and getting to an airport (that doesn't even open until 6am) at 4am for a 10am flight as totally reasonable.

I felt totally devalued. I felt totally marginalized. Again, out of convenience for him, there is little to no consideration for me.

I asked him if he would do that to his mother? Tell her that he could "make it work" to pick her up and drop her off at an airport... of course, the answer was NO. he wouldn't do that to his mother, father, brother... but he would certainly do it to me.

He ended up apologizing and telling me that he "gets it," but the only real thing he's apologizing for is NOT TELLING ME that his plan was 1:30am/4am at a closed airport 6 hours before my flight when he told me he could "make it work." He regrets not telling me the plan... he doesn't regret MAKING THE PLAN. I tried to emphasize to him that the PLAN was the problem, and not telling me was a secondary problem likely associated with his own subconscious recognizing that it was a PLEASE READed up thing to do to someone... which is why he didn't tell me that was how he was going to "make it work" when I told him about my flights.

I left him. That was the last straw for me. I have no idea if this is related him having BPD or just him being an inconsiderate prick who, once he felt secure with me again, would just marginalize me.  Is this part of the BPD devaluing? I don't know and honestly, I am not sure if it matters.  To some, this might seem petty... but I don't think I am overreacting. This is another example of several other instances where he has treated me more like a pet than a human.

I am done being treated this way. Who does that to someone? This, for me, spoke volumes about the type of treatment I can expect in the future. He was planning on proposing to me this summer.

How can someone put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen, only to turn around the next day and marginalize you so? THAT does sound like BPD.... but it PLEASE READs with my brain. The affection and love-bombing have given me the dopamine rush I need... but it is usually followed up with some withdrawal, pain, and regret. He has become my addiction. I am sick to my stomach that I love him so, which is also sad... because love is beautiful.

I have been crying every day since... and it's only been about a week... I am trying so hard to move on. I have not heard from him. He has not changed his FB relationship status or blocked me. I am not sure if he thinks it's real or not... I don't know... but I am TERRIFIED for when he does reach back out because... I have such a hard time "quitting" him. I know that "no contact" is the best way to go, but I am not sure I have the strength. He will reach back out. He does love me so much. He knows I love him unconditionally... I just can't do this anymore. He also has hundreds of dollars worth of my stuff... that I want to get back... I have asked a friend to get it for me at some point (if he doesn't burn it in some BPD rage blackout, which he gets) and mail it to me.

I love this man. The love is real. He loves me incredibly, even if that love comes from a dark place... not all of it does. I hate when people say that those with BPD cannot love or make it seem like they are bad people. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't want to be this person. It's miserable for everyone... but it's quite literally setting me back mentally and emotionally in a new and far more toxic way.

I know that he has traits that appeal to the shadow side of me... and my trauma... and my "captain save a hoe" mentality... I love him so much, but he's not good for me. I cannot wait around, be a punching bag, or hold out hope. I am 37 and I want to start a family. I am not trying to waste time waiting around for a person to stop treating me poorly, drinking too much, not following through, not helping me around the house or with bills, withholding intimacy, marginalizing me, and having rage blackouts and tantrums that drain and injure me.

I need advice on how to break away but not demonize him. I need advice on how to move on and have the strength to recover from the massive hole in my self-esteem that he created in order to stick his talons into me so that he could call me his.

[HealthTeacher]

So I have struggled with BPD-like traits and I found myself a BPD partner (unknowingly). The love bombing met needs I didn't even know I had. I finally felt awakened sexually, as I had experienced sexless relationships (my decision, as I come from trauma and sex was always a challenge), then my partner pulled away/withdrew affection in a way that severely impacted my self-esteem. My partner would shower me with love, then pull away, the typical BPD stuff... and have the defensive and aggressive outbursts and never was receptive to feedback. It was hell... but it was also heaven. It created this codependency in me that I had never felt before... and although my conscious and objective mind knew that this was all due to abuse and manipulation, I couldn't overcome the pain when I tried to break free. We had been seeing a couples therapist but it wasn't really getting much better. After a BPD diagnosis, things seemed promising. It wasn't enough, as I know it takes a lot of work and dedication and change doesn't occur overnight.

I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked him out when he wouldn't leave. This obviously created a PLEASE READstorm of trouble. I went through some severe withdrawal for a week until he came to say goodbye before moving away (800 miles). He was able to rope me back in slowly at first. After a few months of communication I visited him. It was bliss but it was also nerve-wracking. We were back together and he was ready to move back in when his contract was over in September. I cannot lie, when we talked about the future I would get this bad gut feeling. I felt almost trapped... OMG what if he came back and my life was hell again? What if he isn't better? What if I feel like I am stuck and he erodes my self-esteem to the point that it becomes my life forever? But what if he gets better? What if I am overreacting because I have some BPD traits that I have spent years in therapy overcoming? He IS getting better. I can see it... or is he manipulating me? Is this just phase 1 all over again? I am so twisted up. I feel out of touch with reality and I feel like I have been gaslit to the point of not knowing if I can trust my intuition.

Then... two days before I fly back home... hanging out with a friend and him... discussing getting back to the airport... he tells me that his plan is to drop me off at the airport at 4am for a 10am flight, which would mean I would have to get up at 1:30am.  Why? So he can get to work 1.5 hours early (because he likes to get in 1.5 hours early). His work is flexible, so he is actually able to work it out to get into work late as long as he lets people know. He often covers for his colleagues, even sending them home early and taking up their work just to be kind to them...

But why isn't he being kind to me? Of course, this created an argument. He didn't understand why I didn't see getting up at 1:30 am and getting to an airport (that doesn't even open until 6am) at 4am for a 10am flight as totally reasonable.

I felt totally devalued. I felt totally marginalized. Again, out of convenience for him, there is little to no consideration for me.

I asked him if he would do that to his mother? Tell her that he could "make it work" to pick her up and drop her off at an airport... of course, the answer was NO. he wouldn't do that to his mother, father, brother... but he would certainly do it to me.

He ended up apologizing and telling me that he "gets it," but the only real thing he's apologizing for is NOT TELLING ME that his plan was 1:30am/4am at a closed airport 6 hours before my flight when he told me he could "make it work." He regrets not telling me the plan... he doesn't regret MAKING THE PLAN. I tried to emphasize to him that the PLAN was the problem, and not telling me was a secondary problem likely associated with his own subconscious recognizing that it was a PLEASE READed up thing to do to someone... which is why he didn't tell me that was how he was going to "make it work" when I told him about my flights.

I left him. That was the last straw for me. I have no idea if this is related him having BPD or just him being an inconsiderate prick who, once he felt secure with me again, would just marginalize me.  Is this part of the BPD devaluing? I don't know and honestly, I am not sure if it matters.  To some, this might seem petty... but I don't think I am overreacting. This is another example of several other instances where he has treated me more like a pet than a human.

I am done being treated this way. Who does that to someone? This, for me, spoke volumes about the type of treatment I can expect in the future. He was planning on proposing to me this summer.

How can someone put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen, only to turn around the next day and marginalize you so? THAT does sound like BPD.... but it PLEASE READs with my brain. The affection and love-bombing have given me the dopamine rush I need... but it is usually followed up with some withdrawal, pain, and regret. He has become my addiction. I am sick to my stomach that I love him so, which is also sad... because love is beautiful.

I have been crying every day since... and it's only been about a week... I am trying so hard to move on. I have not heard from him. He has not changed his FB relationship status or blocked me. I am not sure if he thinks it's real or not... I don't know... but I am TERRIFIED for when he does reach back out because... I have such a hard time "quitting" him. I know that "no contact" is the best way to go, but I am not sure I have the strength. He will reach back out. He does love me so much. He knows I love him unconditionally... I just can't do this anymore. He also has hundreds of dollars worth of my stuff... that I want to get back... I have asked a friend to get it for me at some point (if he doesn't burn it in some BPD rage blackout, which he gets) and mail it to me.

I love this man. The love is real. He loves me incredibly, even if that love comes from a dark place... not all of it does. I hate when people say that those with BPD cannot love or make it seem like they are bad people. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't want to be this person. It's miserable for everyone... but it's quite literally setting me back mentally and emotionally in a new and far more toxic way.

I know that he has traits that appeal to the shadow side of me... and my trauma... and my "captain save a hoe" mentality... I love him so much, but he's not good for me. I cannot wait around, be a punching bag, or hold out hope. I am 37 and I want to start a family. I am not trying to waste time waiting around for a person to stop treating me poorly, drinking too much, not following through, not helping me around the house or with bills, withholding intimacy, marginalizing me, and having rage blackouts and tantrums that drain and injure me.

I need advice on how to break away but not demonize him. I need advice on how to move on and have the strength to recover from the massive hole in my self-esteem that he created in order to stick his talons into me so that he could call me his.

[tina7868]

Hi HealthTeacher and welcome to the forum  ! I`m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but grateful that you chose to share your experience with us.

It sounds like you are expering conflicting and confusing emotions, which is completely understandable given the experience you went through with your ex. Be patient and kind with yourself.

I need advice on how to break away but not demonize him. I need advice on how to move on and have the strength to recover from the massive hole in my self-esteem that he created in order to stick his talons into me so that he could call me his.

As you mentioned, it hasn`t been that long since everything went down.

How would you feel if he reached out? There are no right or wrong answers to this question. It`s important to be clear on where you are in terms of this.

[HealthTeacher]

I am not sure how I would feel if he reached out. We have recycled the relationship a few times already, and I have only been with him for a year.

I have been terrified about him reaching out because I know I can't go back, but I love him so much. If he were to sweet-talk me and tell me all the same stuff (how much he loves me, his work with his groups and in individual therapy, anything, honestly), I would want him again. I really do love this man, even if the relationship has been bogged down so much with his BPD.

Of course, a big insecure part of me wants him to reach out. I want to hear the sweet things. I want to hear that he's so sorry. I want to hear that he's trying. I want to hear that being with me is still his end goal. I know that what I had with him, I won't find in another. We clicked... and I know that part of that was love-bombing and future-faking, but the other ways we clicked weren't... we shared the same sense of humor... we liked a lot of the same obscure things... we "vibed" naturally in a way that I had not had before... and it wasn't a con; it was who he was. I had not only found my lover, I had found my best friend. I will love him with all my heart until the day I die.

No, it hasn't been long. It's been about a week. He's not reached out. He's slowly removing me from his Facebook profile... it took about 6 days for him to unfriend me and remove a photo of the two of us from his albums, but he kept the relationship status as "in a relationship" until this morning and he removed posts that tagged me. I am still not blocked from seeing his profile, but I am sure that's going to happen next. Even though I am not a social-media type and not an avid FB user, he knows that I would be checking that... and I don't know if the way he's slowly making changes and removing me is part of his process or if he keeps pulling back a little bit more to see if I am going to have a reaction (because he knows from other breakup situations that erasing me breaks my heart). Maybe this is just his process... after all, he loves me so incredibly much. I am sure this is absolutely killing him. I am sure that each day that goes by, he recognizes that it is over, and he's slowly coming to terms with that without lashing out or begging me for another chance. I also hope that he's receiving support from his online groups and his therapist... and that they are helping him feel better. I want him to feel better. I want to feel better.

On Wednesday, in my therapy session, I explained everything. This had been our couples therapist for a few months, so he gets it... He was very proud of me for breaking away and putting myself first. He could see how my ride-or-die willingness to stick it out with my partner as they tried to tackle their BPD was eroding my self-esteem and self-respect.

I love him. I always will. I miss him so incredibly. I feel like I need a lot more time before I can handle communication without falling apart in his lap, crying like a baby.

[tina7868]

I love him. I always will. I miss him so incredibly. I feel like I need a lot more time before I can handle communication without falling apart in his lap, crying like a baby.

The push and pull dynamics create strong feelings that take time to fade away. Be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate your emotions.

Right now, it`s important to focus on you. It can be hard to resist checking up on how your ex seems to be processing the breakup through social media. I`ve been there, I understand. In reality, this just prolongs the painful connection. So instead of asking yourself how he is doing, continue putting yourself first and kindly bring your attention back to yourself.

Have you been taking care of your basic needs (sleeping, eating, getting movement in)?

What sort of support system do you have?

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you, that is good advice. I need to be mindful about gently pushing the thoughts away, and hopefully, they will disappear over time.

My mom is a great support, but she's also NOT a great support. My father has antisocial personality disorder (could be a reason why I am drawn to the wrong man, as the chaos is painfully familiar) so my mom compares my ex to him constantly and his actions towards me trigger her, which is frustrating because they are not the same person and it's hard for my mom not to conflate the two.

I also have a close friend with BPD who holds herself 100% accountable for her growth and healing. She's a good person to talk to, as she can easily see what he's doing and ground me in a bit of reality.

Since alienation is a big part of what happens, even though it's only been one (long painful) year with him, a lot of my friends and family don't care to discuss it. They are over the drama. They don't really get it... "great, you broke up, now block him and move on." Which was OK for literally EVERY SINGLE OTHER BOYFRIEND I have had to break up with... this one is different. It's like Stockholm syndrome.

I am trying to read and listen to as much supportive information as I can to stay grounded. I was on the phone with my mom last night until 4am processing a huge re-engagement text he sent yesterday while I was at a concert with a friend... I try my hardest to distract myself... then he becomes a distraction for the distraction. Intrusive thoughts are hard to cope with. I often try to match them with logic, coaching myself up... but I am not sure if that's also feeding the beast.

Yesterday after he sent me a huge text, he blocked me on social media about 2 hours later. It didn't sting as much as I expected to because I saw it coming. I never responded to his text, but I did block him back... not to be petty, as it's entirely possible that he will never notice... but to try to close that door on my end. I can block his phone number once my friend gets my stuff from him. THAT will be the hardest thing. Part of me wants to keep the door open if he ever wants to communicate with me. I know that's wrong. I know it. But there's also a part of me that feels like blocking a phone number is kinda wrong, especially since they won't know they have been blocked. If he calls, obviously, he won't get through, but if he texts, he won't know they are not getting through. He's not savvy enough to see that the text was "sent" but never made it. I don't like the idea that he would be blocked, but if he needed or wanted to reach out to me.... he would try... and THINK I was ignoring him. I could, of course, send him a short and simple text telling him that I have to block him in order to move on and that I care about him and if it's an emergency or he really needs to contact me (with support of his therapist), then he can email me.