Thank you for your response. I had meant to reply sooner, but got sidetracked by (of all things) another relationship... I'll remark on that one momentarily, but for now:
First off, it's great to hear how much work you've been doing on yourself, and how far you've come! A year of growth is something to be proud of—would love to hear more about what you've done to piece through your trauma and re-discover yourself.
The first few months after the BPD marriage and divorce were spent crying and endlessly scrolling this forum for validation. 10/10, would highly recommend... You guys all worked together to get me thru the worst of it.
Parallel to (and after) that, I engaged in counseling and joined a Christian 12-step program (Celebrate recovery, good for pretty much any issue but in my case grief, divorce care, codependency, anxiety, and taking ownership of longstanding compulsive porn use). I also threw myself back into serving and volunteering at my church. Lots of reading books on BPD, codependency, etc.
I re-calibrated my physical space. During the split I started sleeping on the couch. I never wanted to sleep in the marital bed again, so after my ex left I used that bedroom to store furniture and all her boxed up items. After a few months, I decided to reclaim the space so I got a storage unit, cleared out the old bedroom, and turned it into a workout and reading room.
I also began a fitness journey. I started eating healthier, using my lunch break to take walks (praying and studying the Psalms and Proverbs as I walked), and working out. This may sound lame, but I started using a pair of soup cans as weights... But here I am, 50lb later and I feel so much better. No more wheezing at the top of stairs... I have a "dad bod" and I'm happy with it.
I also made a point of being active in engaging with friends; leaning in to relationships that had atrophied with time. My home wasn't well laid out for hosting, so I practiced inviting myself over to friend' places. I also became more active in arranging play dates for my son. Other areas: Hobbies, gardening, reading...
I knew that in order to be healthy to date, I needed to "get a life". I knew that once my satisfaction came from my self (and from my relationship Christ), I would be in a better place because I would be looking for someone to share it with, not someone to latch on to so I could feel "complete".
I had a similar experience when I started dating ~5 months after my breakup. I matched with someone who constantly texted me, overshared about her abusive ex a few too many times, and planned ~30 dates for us to go on prior to even meeting. Those are just three of many red flags she produced in just our text conversations, There was no promise that it was BPD. In fact, therapists are required to wait 6 months before diagnosing personality disorders like BPD in the US to correctly identify it. But regardless, there were clear red flags that indicated love-bombing, emotional instability, and oversharing far beyond what's acceptable.
You raise a good point. I'm going to use BPD to refer to her for convenience in the rest of my response, while being cognizant that there is no way to diagnose this. She triggered a response in me that was similar to that of my BPD ex, but I will not refute or rule out the possiblity that she may have just been emotionally immature.
It sounds like from the beginning, you knew something didn't feel right. Regardless of if she has BPD or not, she was showing red flags and you were increasingly anxious. Trust your emotions—try to avoid explaining-away actions just because of a lack of a diagnosis. She could have BPD, she could not. But regardless, you picked up on the red flags, you picked up on how she made you feel, and you decided not to proceed. For many on this board, this is actually really motivating—we want to get to a place where we can do those things, and don't end up in a situation where we are getting into a new, emotionally-unstable relationship with someone who has red flags.
It took a little time for my emotions and brain to sync up, but yes. It was incredibly empowering to recognize (and terminate) an unhealthy relationship so quickly!
Shortly after the BPD encounter from my original post, I met another woman who was normal. We dated for about 2.5 months and as things started to shift from the honeymoon phase to serious dating she got cold feet and we broke up. This relationship helped me to shed a few more of the "fleas" and work on my own anxious attachment in a way that would never have been possible with my BPD ex.
There were a few moments early on where I felt anxiety, but recognized it as internally motivated and practiced appropriate self-soothing as needed. Towards the end I had some anxieties which I thought were internally motivated, but which I now realize were externally driven by her pulling away prior to the breakup. It helps that I journaled a couple times a week and can reference that after the fact.
We parted ways last weekend, so I'm still grieving...But on balance, the new relationship was pretty healthy from start to finish. Even the breakup left me feeling respected, appreciated, and dare I say "loved". Having never had a r/s before where both I and my partner were "healthy" people, it is so incredibly refreshing to have experienced this.
I'm hurt, but it's nothing like with BPD.
All that being said, I think it's still important to speak to some of your other questions...
You didn't lead her on: you got to know her better through text, you decided she wasn't a partner you'd want to continue with, and you communicated that you wanted to stop. That should be an incredibly normal experience. Do you feel bad because you think she has BPD? Do you feel bad because you feel like she idealized you (as a match)? Or do you feel bad because you at one point idealized her (as a match) and enjoyed the love-bombing a little?
Holy cow! Thank you for this insight... Reading your remark hit me because the recent (healthy) girlfriend said she "hoped she hadn't led me on" when we broke up, and my first thought was "no you haven't because it's natural to keep going for a while so you can resolve your doubts one way or another". I guess seeing it in another has helped me internalize it for myself, so thank you!
Speaking to the BPD encounter... I think I felt bad because even in the brief amount of time we talked, she elicited a strong rescuer response from me. I was already beginning to feel responsible for her (not just sympathetic).
You hit the nail on the head, regarding the lovebombing. Even when I recognized it, it was hard to pull away. But my body literally knew this was a bad thing; I started getting tense, recognized the physical fight or flight sensations, and yet I still wanted to start something with her. Bit I willed myself away from her... Think Odysseus and the Sirens...
Is there a level of pride in having gone through this and not ended in a relationship? How do you feel about having picked up on those red flags so early on? What about the love-bombing felt correctly anxiety-inducing (how quickly did you see right through it)?
I am proud of the growth. Not just with this BPD encounter, but also with the reasonably healthy r/s I had right after it. I feel like all the work I've been doing on regaining self worth and building a life of my own sowed the seeds, and now I'm reaping the harvest.
Picking up on the red flags was a huge confidence booster. Where-as I had no resistance to BPD before, now my "immune system" has been trained on it. My body subconciously clued in to three things within the first night of texting:
- She was idealizing me. ("Where have you been hiding all this time.")
- She mentioned past employment but painted it and the people black.
- She was far too quick to share intimate details of her past relationship history.
In keeping with the immune system analogy, I felt the listed issues within the first night of texting but kept going until I reached an emotional fever. It was then that I detached. I would consider a couple days full-cycle to be pretty reasonable.
