WOW...THIS SUCKS...IM BORED....AFTERAFFECTS

[PDQuick]

This may sound a little crazy and diluted, but I am Bored. I dont need to rush home to tend to the next emergency. I dont have to phone 50 people to explain why something happened or didnt happen. I dont have to go rescue someone. I come home...and peace and quiet. No ranting, no problems, no new situations...

Im not saying that I miss it, dont get me wrong. I have been remodeling my house and that has kept me busy. But it is at a stopping point for now. Work is a little slow. I come home, hop on the computer and hang out with you guys. But there is little excitement. I have never really had a moment in my adult life like this, and I am at a loss for something to do. Again, Im not complaining, but it does feel like a fish out of water. What do you do? I have no real attainable and instant interests.

It will pick up here in a couple of weeks. I guess I should enjoy it for now, but I dont. Its funny isnt it? Any suggestions?

[garyw]

Well if your feeling like that fish out of water you could take up juggling knives 

just kidding of course...enjoy and find a passion.

[hope4help]

PD,

Avery wise person on the site wrote this to me when I said almost the exact words you did.  Hre is what he said"

your relationship with some one is like a bucket that you spend a good part of your life filling. It does not matter if filling the bucket was a good experience or poor. The point is that you spent the time and the bucket is full. Then all of a sudden, the bucket is empty. There is a void! You feel the void and do not like the feeling. It is very important to remember that it did not matter if the experience was good or bad.

There is a void and we want the void feeling to end!

It is my opinion this is why so many of us feel a very strong desire to go back to our have contact with our BP!

It very quickly fills this void even through the experience was POOR.

We feel we are no longer empty. We again feel that our ex completes us

AND it feels good to feel complete.

So now that you understand the cycle, it is easy to understand why the board is so focused on NC.

Isn't that the truth?  We are suffering the voids!  No, not roids as in hemmoroids, VOIDS!  Be patient, the bucket fills slowly!

[turtle]

Ah, I remember this well.  The deafening silence where there used to be full out noise -- the eerie calm where there used to be only turbulent storms -- the peace and tranquility where there used to be chaos and mahem.

It is definitely an adjustment.  I had to learn how to be bored.  It took awhile. I remember just walking around inside of my house one time thinking ---- "hmmm...well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?"

That's when I started rediscovering what I like to do.  That took awhile too.  When you're involved with a bp, you don't have the time or the energy to think about anything YOU like. You spend all of your time putting out fires (most of which are imaginary of course.)

It's funny, now that so much time has passed, I like feeling a little bored.  That's when I stop, look around, bow my head and in the peace and quiet of my home I thank GOD for the pleasure of boredom.  You can always create something to do --- and that's the beauty of it -- no one is creating hell for you --- you get to create whatever you want!

Enjoy it -- embrace it -- you will come to appreciate it!

Turtle

[PDQuick]

I will not go back. Actually, I did talk to my ex yesterday, and had a very funny, to me, conversation. I was going to keep this to myself, but what the hell, IM BORED.

I called her wondering about her father that just had surgery. Left voicemail. She called back hours later and we had the talk about her father, he is doing good.

The conversation quickly went to her yelling at me for not calling youngest daughter. I told her that I have reached out to her a couple of times and have been shunned. I will not beg anyone to be part of my life. The youngest daughter has become inseperable with her new BF, as he is doing alot of things for her. (Daughter is just like momma, if you are doing what she wants, she loves you, but if not, she hates you.)

This conversation got my ex really mad. I tried to change the subject by asking what they did this weekend. She said that she washed her boat. Her Boat? She doesnt have a boat. BF does, but she doesnt. But she said HER boat.

Anyway, the conversation went bad again and she told me how she loved her new boyfriend more than she ever loved me. She said that she realizes the mistakes she made with me and how she doesnt want to duplicate them with her new BF. She told me that they were making long term plans for their lives together. THEN SHE SAYS that she knows this has got to hurt me. I simply told her No, it doesnt. She didnt beleive me and insisted that it hurted me. I told her that I wanted her to be happy, and no it didnt hurt, it didnt even sting. And It was the truth. It didnt. She started yelling at me that she knew that it had to devestate me because I loved her soo much. I told her that if she continued with yelling at me and this tone, the conversation was over. So she hung up.

Whats funny to me. They got together the day I left. He lives next door to her. They have been together a little over 2 months, and have already broken up once. She considers everything that he has as hers. She insists that her words hurt me. Is this Narcissism at its best? I am so glad to be away from her. It was really nice to tell her that it didnt hurt, because I know two things about this exchange. It gave me my power back! It showed her that I dont care, and both things pissed her off. It was gratifying!

[Lilac]

One of the ways to use this time is to work on our baggage that has us seeking out certain types of potentially chaotic relationships.

THAT is a boring process, but the time is going to go by anyway, so might as well, eh?  8)

Do you think you would be attracted to another person like your EX?  Would you see signs, and if you did see them, would they attract you do you think?

You don't know me, so it's cool if you don't want to rap about this stuff with me; just thought I'd offer it up for consideration. 

[PDQuick]

Lilac, I have been going to therapy, and I do see why i was attracted to her, and I think I will be able to see the signs in another. Now, whether I heed them is another thing. I hope that I will. I am a fixer, and I am trying to change that about myself to some extent.

I was attracted to her initially, not because of the knight in white armor sydrome. But it wasnt soon after that I was emmeshed in it.

You sound like you talk from experience, care to share?

[TonyC]

well you could ...i cant   , go to the local pysch center and pick up a looney

oh god im dying,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,just rent one for a few hours

all kidding aside i am enjoying going home...i used to pick and call from the corner   and if i heard mare on the other phone arguing with a relative, i would tell her i was still at work and by a 1/2 hour of no drama cause sure i could not relate to what she was fighting about...

mare and i would break up i would do all the things i could do , a simple thing like bullsht 4 doors down have a beer...criminal neglect charges would be filed...

its an adjustment...you get used to someone up your as*.

tonyc

[geroldmodel]

Well I have the same problem PDquick...

I am out of the relationship for a year now, and lived at my parents afterwards for 6 months.

(which was not boring at all)

But now - for the first time in my LIFE - I live alone.

I have attainables and passions and enjoy them while I am at them.

But these only work for a couple of hours a week...

I find other things to keep me busy but I do not really feel satisfied afterwards.

The void remains and I guess I am lonely...

I did not miss my ex for a single minute, and I am anxious if I meet a girl

who puts me on a pedestral. I do need that kind of excitement anymore.

But I crave excitement in general: new situations and new problems too solve.

This is what I like in my job aswell (and it isn't a dysfuntional job at all!)

Actually writing this made me think of a quote I heared in a conversation this weekend.

"Busy Bees at work are Busy Bees at home."

Somehow I did not think it applied to me as I am not a busy bee at home...

Maybe I should?

your relationship with some one is like a bucket that you spend a good part of your life filling. It does not matter if filling the bucket was a good experience or poor. The point is that you spent the time and the bucket is full. Then all of a sudden, the bucket is empty. There is a void! You feel the void and do not like the feeling. It is very important to remember that it did not matter if the experience was good or bad.

There is a void and we want the void feeling to end!

It is my opinion this is why so many of us feel a very strong desire to go back to our have contact with our BP!

It very quickly fills this void even through the experience was POOR.

We feel we are no longer empty

[wojah]

What do you do? I have no real attainable and instant interests.

Hello PDQuick,

Enjoy the peace.  If you get too bored, I would suggest developing hobbies and interests.  Maybe join a club, sports team, or even join e-harmony.com.  E-harmony is a great dating website that helps people find soulmates.  It focuses on personality and match people who have similar views, interests and values.  Give it a shot.  You'll find quality people who will match your personality.  My mother joined it recently and she has had over 60 matches in three weeks. She's having so much fun now and has made friends with four male friends from e-harmony.  Anyway, if I was single, that's the website I'd be joining because the odds of finding a quality partner is much greater than looking for someone in a bar or through a mutual friend.

Whatever you do, count your blessings and be thankful you are out of the land of oz.  Try hard not to contact your ex.  Not having any hobbies or interests adds to your codependency on a BPD.  So it's very important to "get a life" for yourself and focus on being alone for a while before getting seriously involved in another relationship.  When you get used to living in peace, you will never go back to a life of chaos ever again.  Being with a BPD caused you to lose yourself.  Take this opportunity now to rediscover who you are and establish your own identity.  The best way to avoid becoming enmeshed with a BPD again is to learn who you are and to love yourself.  Also, it takes time to heal and become emotionally healthy to date again.  So don't rush into anything right now.  Make new friends, find new interests and give yourself several months to heal.  You will know when you're ready for a relationship when you are operating from a position of strength, not weakness.  May you find happiness soon.

[pheonix]

how about this...go to different stores than you usually do, drive different routes than you usually drive, read the news paper about whats happening in world events (if you don't already) and do about an hour of volunteer work a week if you can swing it,  write,  got a dog?...my dog is my life line...it's okay to feel bored...don't be hard on yourseld about it, but it is an opportunity to just get to know yourself and you'll be in a better space when the right girl comes along...if you're a guy with a routine...change it up...if you're a guy with no routine...try a week or two of strict rountine...give up sugar...see what that does...if you smoke...stop smoking...shall i continue...or am i boring you?   nice work on taking your power back...now keep it it will pay off...take care , pheonix

[thomaso61]

good post. I feel the same way except when I am at work. It's kinda nice!

You could always take up making nonsensecal longwinded phrases and having people try and decipher your code, or madness...JUST DON'T GO BACK! I took my dog for a walk today...We had a great time 

[pheonix]

...or you could take thomas up on the police man uniform role play thing he offered in your previous post... :Fact:...i doubt it would be boring ...