Need opinions

[laelle]

First I have already made peace with the fact that I will help my BPDbf with his rent.  It started out I was going to move to another country and live with him, but turns that I in fact can not unless we get married and neither of us want this right now.

I had promised then I would help out with his rent as he left his living situation to start one with me even as lopsided as it is.

He has been REALLY great with not asking for it.  I used it last month to help pay for my surgery.  Its a very sensitive subject for him.

Today he asked me if he should expect any rent from me.  This is an issue for me because I had talked about getting a gym membership the night before and he told me not until I live there full time.  So im suppose to help him sustain his every day living there (commit) even tho I dont live there while he wont support even the notion of doing something for me until I live there.  Seems unfair to me. (maybe im taking this the wrong way and he only meant I would not get full use out of it because I am only with him a week out of the month atm.)  It was still invalidating for me.

Anyway, I told him that I would not be paying his rent, but would save it and when he is ready to get out of his temporary living situation I would help him to get into a new place.  Yes, I realize its not my responsibility, but lets face it, its not even our responsibility to even be here, but we do it.  I needed to find a way to help where I am not throwing in good money after bad while helping to make his life profitable instead of bearable, while not feeling bitter about it myself.  I feel good about the decision as it was mine to make.  He took it well and said he would deal with his issues and when the time came we would deal with his moving.

Do you think I did ok?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

I think you did great.   

Knowing what to say, what to do and how to handle these types of situations is hard.

You need to stay true to yourself and keep working on the relationship.

[laelle]

Thank you Coworkerfriend.  Its really hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes.

[coworkerfriend]

Amen to that!  I struggle each and every day. 

I need to take my own advise and be true to myself.  It is hard to do.

[arabella]

laelle, I think you did an amazing job! That is a very complex situation with 'potential for disaster' written all over it and you managed just fine. You came to an agreement with your bf where you both feel good about the outcome. You figured out what your values were, stuck up for what you need, set a boundary re contributing to rent, and stuck to it! Most important of all - you feel good about it. You go girl! 

As for the gym membership - who knows what he might have meant? Not your problem. If you want a membership, get one. If you want to try out day passes for the week that you're actually there, maybe that's a solution too. It's great that you're taking care of yourself, don't start second guessing or imagining impediments that aren't really there. If you ever need validation - I'm here! hehe

[laelle]

Thank you Arabella,  I find myself struggling to be "fair" to him in my attempt to be "fair" to me.  There is a fine line between supporting a relationship and being co dependent in one.  Its not me trying to control him with money, its me trying to control my money.  That was a big guilt issue for me.  Its a work in progress.

[wanttoknowmore]

Llalle,

A pwBPD once told me that she can't forget what her exBF told her while leaving. He said "You will never be happy and you will be always be alone if you dont understand your issues"

This was after a big fight they had and it was his last sentence before leaving. This stuck in her head and she started therapy.