Do they really move on or put you off to the side?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my wife responded a week later to my ex on FB and basically told her she needs help etc. myself and my wife are still seperated but trying now to work on our marriage. So after my wife send this to my ex she replies saying she does not want my help etc. how now she is in the process of getting back now with her ex husband blah blah. Then she says Happy Holidays to my wife . After you would think its the closing to the message like a normal persons does she continues on her rant. How her husband feels I'm harrassing her trying to push my help on her ! And that "he feels" she should get a no contact restraining order on me etc! And she wants no more contact with me. Lol! Do I belive she is back with her ex hubby no! I just think she is annoyed I wanted no friendship with her so I won't be in her stable once she wants to recycle me!

You are married?

[Kelli Cornett]

So my wife responded a week later to my ex on FB and basically told her she needs help etc. myself and my wife are still seperated but trying now to work on our marriage. So after my wife send this to my ex she replies saying she does not want my help etc. how now she is in the process of getting back now with her ex husband blah blah. Then she says Happy Holidays to my wife . After you would think its the closing to the message like a normal persons does she continues on her rant. How her husband feels I'm harrassing her trying to push my help on her ! And that "he feels" she should get a no contact restraining order on me etc! And she wants no more contact with me. Lol! Do I belive she is back with her ex hubby no! I just think she is annoyed I wanted no friendship with her so I won't be in her stable once she wants to recycle me!

You are married?

[Confused108]

So my wife responded a week later to my ex on FB and basically told her she needs help etc. myself and my wife are still seperated but trying now to work on our marriage. So after my wife send this to my ex she replies saying she does not want my help etc. how now she is in the process of getting back now with her ex husband blah blah. Then she says Happy Holidays to my wife . After you would think its the closing to the message like a normal persons does she continues on her rant. How her husband feels I'm harrassing her trying to push my help on her ! And that "he feels" she should get a no contact restraining order on me etc! And she wants no more contact with me. Lol! Do I belive she is back with her ex hubby no! I just think she is annoyed I wanted no friendship with her so I won't be in her stable once she wants to recycle me!

You are married?

Yea? And was not with my wife when this happened. Why?

[Kelli Cornett]

So my wife responded a week later to my ex on FB and basically told her she needs help etc. myself and my wife are still seperated but trying now to work on our marriage. So after my wife send this to my ex she replies saying she does not want my help etc. how now she is in the process of getting back now with her ex husband blah blah. Then she says Happy Holidays to my wife . After you would think its the closing to the message like a normal persons does she continues on her rant. How her husband feels I'm harrassing her trying to push my help on her ! And that "he feels" she should get a no contact restraining order on me etc! And she wants no more contact with me. Lol! Do I belive she is back with her ex hubby no! I just think she is annoyed I wanted no friendship with her so I won't be in her stable once she wants to recycle me!

You are married?

Yea? And was not with my wife when this happened. Why?

JW why you keep reflecting on this when you have already moved on?

[Confused108]

So my wife responded a week later to my ex on FB and basically told her she needs help etc. myself and my wife are still seperated but trying now to work on our marriage. So after my wife send this to my ex she replies saying she does not want my help etc. how now she is in the process of getting back now with her ex husband blah blah. Then she says Happy Holidays to my wife . After you would think its the closing to the message like a normal persons does she continues on her rant. How her husband feels I'm harrassing her trying to push my help on her ! And that "he feels" she should get a no contact restraining order on me etc! And she wants no more contact with me. Lol! Do I belive she is back with her ex hubby no! I just think she is annoyed I wanted no friendship with her so I won't be in her stable once she wants to recycle me!

You are married?

Yea? And was not with my wife when this happened. Why?

JW why you keep reflecting on this when you have already moved on?

First off you don't know me at all. You don't know my past etc! So where do you "get off" ?  If I were you worry about "you" unless you have some advice to say then I would just keep my remarks to my self!

[whitebackatcha]

Very accurate description.  When my BPDex would have a blowup and say she's done with the relationship, if I calmly asked if she means our relationship is permanently over and that I need to move on with my life, she typically wouldn't give an answer.  One time she responded and claimed she never said it was over and then changed her tone to say she just needed some time. 

I love this. I might use this in the future. I always felt my ex ended things, only to regret it by the next day, but was too stubborn to say so. This seems like a good response.

[jhkbuzz]

My ex liked to keep a hook with every ex - leaving items at their places, just something so that she could return at her convenience i.e. when all avenues have been explored and she needs a recycle from someone somewhere.

It would seem that her exes were happy to be there as a second, or third or fourth option once the current shiny new toy had lost its shine or usefulness.

Knowing this I made sure that when I removed her from my house wth all her belongings that she would not have a teeny tiny hook left, so she could not reel me again, and I would not be able to be lied, manipulated or cheated on again.

If you give your ex the opportunity by leaving the door open even one millimetre they will try t force it open again and restart the cycle

So many similar stories of them keeping their ex's as an option, maybe leaving things behind or keeping things to have a reason for contact or sometimes just contacting out of the blue.

What I often wondered was if they consciously think about what they are doing, and if so what are they thinking?  

Are they thinking, "I'm going to break off my current relationship and pursue another but I'll leave hooks and not give them a good reason so they can't get over me or get any resolution so I can have them as an option to go back to when I'm finished with my next."  

or

"I may be abandoned soon so I will start another relationship so I don't have to be alone and then if the next relationship fails I will have someone to go back to or meet my immediate needs so I won't have to be alone."

or

Do they not even think but just react on random thoughts that cross their minds and not even know why?  

I'm thinking they aren't calculating as that would be pretty evil and hard to live with yourself.  Also when my BPDex would say or do some things, sometimes she would completely deny it even if I had proof. And if something they did can be considered bad, it was never they're fault or responsibility, it was due to others.  

What do you think?

They don't even think but just react on random thoughts that cross their minds wildly fluctuating feelings and don't even know why.  

[steve195915]

They don't even think but just react on random thoughts that cross their minds wildly fluctuating feelings and don't even know why.  

Well here's the conundrum.  During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, they are on their best behavior and treat you like Gods to get you hooked.  This period of time shows they can consciously control their words and actions. For my situation, the first 5 months were wonderful.  Granted we only saw each other for 3 days every two weeks due to my job travels however we did talk every day on the phone.  She didn't show any BPD traits until after that time when I was hooked.  Then the angry outbursts, the verbal abuse, the lies, cheating, push/pull dynamics began. 

As a matter of fact, I've read that psychiatrists use the example of the honeymoon phase of the relationship to demonstrate that pwBPD do have the ability to control their emotions and thus they can be cured.

[enlighten me]

They don't even think but just react on random thoughts that cross their minds wildly fluctuating feelings and don't even know why.  

Well here's the conundrum.  During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, they are on their best behavior and treat you like Gods to get you hooked.  This period of time shows they can consciously control their words and actions. For my situation, the first 5 months were wonderful.  Granted we only saw each other for 3 days every two weeks due to my job travels however we did talk every day on the phone.  She didn't show any BPD traits until after that time when I was hooked.  Then the angry outbursts, the verbal abuse, the lies, cheating, push/pull dynamics began. 

As a matter of fact, I've read that psychiatrists use the example of the honeymoon phase of the relationship to demonstrate that pwBPD do have the ability to control their emotions and thus they can be cured.

I have to disagree with this. During the honeymoon phase they aren't triggered so the negative behaviour doesn't come out. Its not a case of controlling their emotions they are just experiencing different ones. The other side of the coin so to speak. Once they start to see our flaws and the little things that annoy them are noticed then they slowly build up. The trust starts to fail and the negative side comes out. Lets face it in the beginning we where more available. I know I was and could move things around to accommodate her. After a while things cant be put off and we have to say no to some things. This change in our behaviour is noticeable to a pwBPD and could be seen as us withdrawing thus triggering abandonment fears.

[Joem678]

The trouble I had with my wife was that I always believed her actions were malicious.  That is my mistake.  That I responded as a man.  That is, until I found about BPD.  We can't think of them as acting maliciously towards us. This doesn't excuse their behavior but should shed light on your actions.  I DO believe they don't put you to the side but more their INTENSE emotions.  I have learned that their emotions are 5-8 times (something like that) more magnified than ours.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diEhdbGC-mg

Right before my wife left, she woke up one day (after a great weekend together) telling me she thought I didn't love her anymore.  She then told me she woke up feeling "so much love for me". <----  This is not normal.  You can't turn it off and on. 

In my 20 years, exposed to my wife, I can clearly see patterns.  Patterns that have allowed me to see, that there is my wife who is her "true-self" and there is my wife who is her "false-self".  I have also learned that cheating is not a common trait for BPD.  We are on this forum, not because of BPD entirely, but because of this specific BPD trait.  What if your SO gambled or self-medicated using drugs?  not sex?  Would you still accept them?  Would you still deal with it?  It is not same emotionally but it is the way they cope.  This stems because of some sexual abuse as a child.

After so long, I can't handle it emotionally anymore.  So I chose to go NC/detach not because of the action of "cheating" but more because I can't handle the disorder anymore.  Do I expect her, some day in the future, to try again?  Absolutely!  This has been the pattern for 20 years. 

I hope this makes sense. 

[VitaminC]

The trouble I had with my wife was that I always believed her actions were malicious.  That is my mistake.  That I responded as a man.  That is, until I found about BPD.  We can't think of them as acting maliciously towards us. This doesn't excuse their behavior but should shed light on your actions.  I DO believe they don't put you to the side but more their INTENSE emotions.  I have learned that their emotions are 5-8 times (something like that) more magnified than ours.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diEhdbGC-mg

Right before my wife left, she woke up one day (after a great weekend together) telling me she thought I didn't love her anymore.  She then told me she woke up feeling "so much love for me". <----  This is not normal.  You can't turn it off and on. 

In my 20 years, exposed to my wife, I can clearly see patterns.  Patterns that have allowed me to see, that there is my wife who is her "true-self" and there is my wife who is her "false-self".  I have also learned that cheating is not a common trait for BPD.  We are on this forum, not because of BPD entirely, but because of this specific BPD trait.  What if your SO gambled or self-medicated using drugs?  not sex?  Would you still accept them?  Would you still deal with it?  It is not same emotionally but it is the way they cope.  This stems because of some sexual abuse as a child.

After so long, I can't handle it emotionally anymore.  So I chose to go NC/detach not because of the action of "cheating" but more because I can't handle the disorder anymore.  Do I expect her, some day in the future, to try again?  Absolutely!  This has been the pattern for 20 years. 

I hope this makes sense. 

What if your BP self-medicates or self-soothes, or whatever, by watching porn, having sex, AND using alcohol? What if your BP told you about the porn, and the cheating, and the alcohol very soon after meeting - if he exposed his flaws so simply and talked about wanting things to be different. And you (ie. me) were charmed by this self-awareness, this openness and assumed that it meant this person was very actively working on these issues?

I, personally, didn't see any of these as a threat to me. The cheating, which eventually happened (and it wounded me unbelievably when he confessed), seemed impossible given how taken he appeared to be with me.

The reason I went back after learning about the cheating is that I saw how I had contributed to his stated feelings of insecurity and jealousy and fears of rejection. When his behaviour suggested he was not 90% focussed on me, I would myself react like a princess-child and take myself off to meet friends, about whom I would remain deliberately mysterious.

Oh yes, I knew what I was doing, but also didn't know how else to communicate that the intense loving-up stopping and being replaced by a goofiness and self-centredness just hurt me. From my current, considerably wiser ( I hope to god ) perspective, I see that I had a point - that I picked up on something that was not 'normal' in him, but that also a goodly amount of it was due to my own insecurities and therefore need to be adored.

I went back because I thought I'd try to behave more maturely, develop some of those communication skills that I have in spades in every other area of my life, bar the romantic.

That was four months ago, and now I'm out the other side, knowing that even if I'd had the skills it wouldn't have been enough for that man-child to feel safe enough to stay his "true self" for longer than a few days.

The reason I started to answer this post is because of the "true self" / "false self" distinction. By "true self", do you mean, a sort of reasonable, loving, connected human being?  That's what I think or feel when I read those words and I often said that I could deal with the selfishness, the porn ( actually pretty harmless stuff that he watches ), the depressive episodes, the alcoholism (even that!), and the general ineptitude for many practical matters of life - as long as there was a gentleness and trust between us and an agreement that WE were in all of it together.  Because that's how I wanted to see his "true self".   

In the end, now, I realise that whatever the true self is in his case, it also definitely includes the lying, cheating, not answering perfectly fair and reasonable questions, insane jealousy that manifests itself as curiosity about who I'm doing something with rather than what I'm actually doing -- I could go on.

All these things are part of his true self. The thing I thought was at the core; a wounded individual who just wants to be loved enough to be "good" is so bound up with other stuff that there is no way to separate it.   

[movingon123]

I hope both that they do move on, and that they don't.

I miss my exBPD, even though I know it is not healthy to be in contact with them. Every time we've gone NC they initiated it, and then within a week broke NC. This time it's been a month and seems to be sticking - so I have many mixed feelings.

I want them to be happy, and according to them I am harmful and toxic to their happiness. Not sure how much I agree with that, but it's their choice to make. It hurts not having them in my life, and not being a part of their life. Especially right now.

[Joem678]

I have never believed that I could have some sort of relationship, outside of marriage, with my wife. It does hurt and it is sad because of the kids. 

[JSF13]

Yesterday I came across my ex's new Instagram as she was liking pics of friends of mine. It had appeared she is back east with her ex husband. Completely changed her appearance and got a house with all the xmas decorations. It hurt to see but I had already had a feeling she had moved on. Me on the other hand can't even process being anywhere near a relationship with anyone. I woke up today from another email from her 6 days after the last one merely stating "just checking on u" I cannot fathom why she would do this. The selfish side of me wants it to be because I hope she is feeling the pain of the home she single handedly destroyed and the person who she wrecked for no other reason than loving her but my guess is she wants to see where I'm at so she knows if she still has me as an option or not. I haven't replied to here emails and will continue not to.