Forgotten Emotion

[Edgewood]

I’m learning to get beyond the FOG. I’ve gone low contact, a move that has been surprisingly well-accepted by my mom and sis.  I’m much happier with my life, my family and myself.  There’s something that’s nagging at me, though.

Do you ever forget that you love these people?   While I’d like to see them happy with their needs met, I’m really not sure if I even feel anything for them anymore.  It’s an entirely different type of guilt. 

I am alone in this?

[Kwamina]

Hi Edgewood,

I am glad that you're feeling happier You say your move to go low contact was surprisingly well-accepted by your mom and sis. How did you go low contact with them?

Do you ever forget that you love these people?   While I’d like to see them happy with their needs met, I’m really not sure if I even feel anything for them anymore.  It’s an entirely different type of guilt.

Could it perhaps be that as you learn more about BPD, you are seeing your BPD relatives with 'new eyes' with corresponding 'new' feelings? Not seeing the 'fantasy' anymore but the reality of BPD?

As I've accepted or have started to accept the reality of BPD, I have also found my feelings for my BPD family-members changing as I have let go of the fantasy of who they are.

Do you feel guilty for being unsure about how you feel about them? Or about going low contact with them and how you've been happier ever since? Does feeling happy without your mom and sis make you feel guilty?

[Suzn]

While I’d like to see them happy with their needs met, I’m really not sure if I even feel anything for them anymore.  It’s an entirely different type of guilt.  

I am alone in this?

Hi Edgewood

No, you're not alone in this. I felt exactly the same way a couple months back. I had been struggling to regain my compassion altogether for my mother. I've been LC as well though I am open to regular contact today, we live far apart now so it's not much different than LC anyway. A little out of site out of mind with them probably but I'm ok with that right now, I'm not trying to push anything. I agree with Kwamina that there was a fantasy of who I had always thought she was. I have to include my brother in this as well. I think I was well conditioned over my lifetime and there was enmeshment. As that enmeshment fell away I felt differently and for a while, I felt bad that I felt nothing for them. I had to remind myself that feelings change and it's ok to just sit with what they are right now.

I found that compassion as I know her issues stem from her upbringing and that she had a predisposition to this genetically . I do wish happiness for my mother and brother, it's their decision whether or not to seek it. I'm not going to leave myself out of wishing for happiness, I think we are equally important and there's nothing wrong with seeking that for ourselves.

[deux soeurs]

Yes, this is new kind of guilt for us non's.  I agree that once we discover our loved one (so to speak) has BPD we are exposed to so many different emotions.  For me, I have just started dealing with the abuse (emotional) by my much older sister my entire childhood.  Back then, I know, I would not say I "hated" her as she was so mean and abusive to me, her younger sister.  Once she apologized, I accepted and opened my heart to her.  But she burned me so badly that time that I don't think I ever felt "love" as an emotion for her.  I think I felt love because we are "supposed" to love our siblings, but not because we were bonded by anything other than our DNA.  I am in therapy and working through those feelings as well as the abuse I suffered by her.  All I know is we have a right to feel how we do, regardless of DNA.  BPD causes the folks in our life to abuse us and we are allowed to feel numb to them.

[Edgewood]

Kwamina, no, I have no guilt about going LC or about being happy as a result.  It's just very strange to not feel something for people you've loved for 50+ years.  Going LC was quite simple; I just told my mother that I "need a break."  I think she knew how close I was to turning my back completely and I suspect she asked my sis to leave me alone.  She has put up a bit of a fuss, but not much.  We are all happier, I think.

Suzn, thank you.   . . . "struggling to regain my compassion" is a perfect description of my situation.  Thanks for the reminder that my feelings will change.  I'm hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder.   

Thank you, deux soers.

BPD causes the folks in our life to abuse us and we are allowed to feel numb to them.

Numb.  Exactly. 

[oceaneyes]

First off, congrats on going LC and your newfound happiness. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. 

Do you ever forget that you love these people? While I’d like to see them happy with their needs met, I’m really not sure if I even feel anything for them anymore. It’s an entirely different type of guilt. 

Like others have said, as I started to learn more about BPD and put the pieces together I began to feel differently about my mother. Even before I suspected BPD, I had began to distance myself from her and every interaction with her was solely out of an extreme sense of obligation and fear that if I didn't see her, she would punish me for it later. In truth, I haven't loved her in quite some time. She always made me feel like a terrible daughter, so I assumed the problem was with me.

Through therapy, I've had to face the truth that I was abused and neglected by my mother and others in my life. Most of the problems in my life and personality "defects" I see in myself are a direct result of my upbringing and I hold a lot of resentment towards her for that. I'm slowly learning that I'm okay, I'm not the problem—it's a weight off my shoulders.

I feel sorry for her, and I wish her happiness and wellness, but I do not love her and I do not hate her, I am numb to her. I can understand feeling guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for a long time too, but over time I've learned to respect and trust my feelings. I am a happier person when she is not in my life and if I bring her so much pain then she's probably happier with me not being in her life too.