Surviving the Silent Treatment

[szia]

In my most recent (now kaput) r/s I found myself on the receiving end of the silent treatment several times. In the three month duration of the r/s, I was banished three times. Once for a week and twice for 2-3 days. This one is the fourth and last time. Last communication was 2-1/2 weeks ago and for two days prior to that last communique, I was subject to belittlement, derision, the cold stare, the whole goodie bag.

This is not my first encounter with an emotional abuser. The first: my mother (+ the added joy of a short spell of physical abuse [before she was caught]). The second: my exBPDbf. The third: the man who inspired this topic - let's call him The Banisher. So I have some experience here, though I never realized what was happening. What I now realize is the toil, both emotional and physical, this passive-aggressive BS has on a person.

The thing that really inspired me to get to the bottom of this is one of my reactions to the banishment. I don't eat. I go days without food. It makes me sick to write this.

The experience with the exBPDbf taught me that attempts to reach out have zero influence. He came around when he decided I was worthy. Or when he had sufficiently suppressed whatever rage was boiling within. Whatever.

The same went for The Banisher. At some point while I was in the throes of depression and anorexic behavior, he'd come back around as if nothing was the matter. And expected me to perform in similar fashion. After the first event I told him I felt discarded. "That's not how it went down and you know it," he replied. After the third event, I tried to talk to him about it, but he shut me down: "I don't want to talk about it." And then basically hung up on me.

There is no danger of me going back to him should he rear his ugly little head again. I have my first t/py appt next week and this subject is high on the agenda.

I guess I'm just looking for words of support. I'm kind of down right now. More upset with myself for allowing it to get to this point. Sad that I allow myself to go without food. :'( I guess the good news is that I'm not a very good abuse victim.

[Skip]

What does he say is his reason for breaking it off?

[SlipKnot]

hey szia

i can relate to your not-eating when your partner was giving you the silent treatment. during one particularly bad year, i went from 210 lbs down to 165 lbs. i could go for 3-4 days without food and be working during that time. i think my record was 5 days without any food at all. i think it was to prove to myself the kind of sacrifice i could make, offsetting my uBPD wife's opinion that i am selfish and lazy. i changed during the last split, about 5 months or so. i  started eating again and exercising and trying to get back into the kind of shape i was in before i got married. i also dropped the habit of giving in to her when she would make ridiculous demands, like giving her my wallet so she could 'inspect' the contents, or selling my possessions and giving her the money, or anything else really. i can say "no" now, and mean it, even though it means more mistreatment. i still havent overcome my emotional responses to her abuse, but i dont abuse myself physically anymore. not eating was only one of the things i did back then.

Just remember that your responses were prompted by abuse and, at the root of it, it allowed you to vent your frustration in some way when your options were very limited. i think that, sometimes we need to return the abuse we receive and, because we dont want to abuse others as our partners have done, we turn it inside ourselves. that says something positive about our personality, dont you think?

Take care of YOURSELF

SK

[szia]

What does he say is his reason for breaking it off?

Hi Skip,

No reason given. After devaluating me he sent me an innocuous email. I responded letting him know that I was upset - "I'm upset and thank you for checking in." Haven't heard a word since.

Slipknot, you're absolutely correct about taking care of ourselves. I could never go 5 days but I've gotten close. All while working, yes. I get very gaunt, obviously. When I start eating again, people ask me if I've been on vacation because I look tan. No, it's just my color returning.

Granted, this has only happened in response to abuse. I'm never like this otherwise.

[2010]

Hi Szia,

I dont know if this was mentioned in another post- but this workshop is a great thread on silent treatment.

Just in case you haven't seen it here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

[szia]

Thank you so much, 2010. I will check it out today.

Also, mille thanks for your cogent posts. I've been through this before and I know all of this, but being on the tail end of my 2nd (and last) r/s with a Cluster B, I still need a rope and you've contributed to my reemergence.

[szia]

Well, I read through the thread in its entirety and it was certainly eye-opening.

My mother used the ST on me starting when I was tiny, tiny and she used it all through my upbringing. I understand now why I react as I do. I just hole up, like I did when I was young.

It's amazing what an effect it can have on a person. It really is torturous. In my experience it was lie waterboarding. I did something "horribly wrong" then I would be submerged. Once the punishment was deemed fit, I would be pulled out again and lavished with attention. Rinse, repeat. I'm still trying to shake the emotional impacts and it only went on for 3 mos.