Stalking Behaviors, and Best Friends Husbands e-mail.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok, so the last stalking behavior was last Sunday afternoon when we came home to a pile of dog doo on our porch after church. When I get home this Monday AM it will be the longest stretch without a stalking behavior having taken place since late Jan. when we split up.

This should be a good thing, this is what I want, for this type of behavior to quit. However, I cant help but feel a great deal of anxiety about what is to happen next. In previous post I stated that I had found out the guy she is dating is fading fast. (Doesnt come to see her, gives her gas money to drive three hours to see him once a month etc) I just feel in my gut like theres something going on, or about to be going on.

Non's have such a hard time escaping these people. When she was stalking 2 or 3 times a week it was like "man I wish this would stop". Now that it has slowed down I can't help but think, "OK whats the problem here, when does the next shoe drop? and what will that be? I'm sorry but I just don't see going from driving around with dog doo in your car to put on someones porch, to stopping all stalking behaviors in a weeks time.

Also, her daughters boyfriend told me that she had been leaving their house on the weekends she doesnt have kids at 3 or 4 in the AM. I told him thats when she has been coming to my house and moving things around. I honestly believe this.

I talked to the sheriff and told him that I had considered putting back up the wildlife camera that I had taken down, but eventually just decided to not do it as I thought it would give her some of the attention she is craving. The sheriiff said that if they know it's not bothering you a lot of times the behavior will just cease. He also said that they are out all hours of the night, but the likelihood of them catchin her was small. I said i understood and that if that was the time she was coming to my house this camera would not get a very good picture of her anyway,  so it just doesnt seem like a good idea.

Here is the weird thing, when I had the camera up and changed my phone number so that she could no longer mask her number call and hang up, I was getting e-mails from her best friends husband whoose wife (her best friend) has all of his passwords. Once i took down the camera and she started stalking agian, no more emails from best friends husband.

Agian it jus seems like at times there is no escaping them, when she has slowed the stalking behaviors down, now I am worried about whats coming next, the stress and anxiety jus dont ever seem to go away.

I am also seriously thinking of taking down the keep out and no tresspessing signs, as further indication of my indifference toward her actions. Just like i told the sherriff, as long as shes not breaking anything I'm fine.

My home and my porch are my and my sons refuge, it is out in the country where calm, quiet, peacefulness, serenity and contentment reign. It's like all of those things don't exhist for us anymore as long as those signs are up. It just ruins the whole feel of the place for us.

Courious about what anybody else thinks about taking the signs down... .

Thanks.

[m772001]

Ok, so the last stalking behavior was last Sunday afternoon when we came home to a pile of dog doo on our porch after church. When I get home this Monday AM it will be the longest stretch without a stalking behavior having taken place since late Jan. when we split up.

This should be a good thing, this is what I want, for this type of behavior to quit. However, I cant help but feel a great deal of anxiety about what is to happen next. In previous post I stated that I had found out the guy she is dating is fading fast. (Doesnt come to see her, gives her gas money to drive three hours to see him once a month etc) I just feel in my gut like theres something going on, or about to be going on.

Non's have such a hard time escaping these people. When she was stalking 2 or 3 times a week it was like "man I wish this would stop". Now that it has slowed down I can't help but think, "OK whats the problem here, when does the next shoe drop? and what will that be? I'm sorry but I just don't see going from driving around with dog doo in your car to put on someones porch, to stopping all stalking behaviors in a weeks time.

Also, her daughters boyfriend told me that she had been leaving their house on the weekends she doesnt have kids at 3 or 4 in the AM. I told him thats when she has been coming to my house and moving things around. I honestly believe this.

I talked to the sheriff and told him that I had considered putting back up the wildlife camera that I had taken down, but eventually just decided to not do it as I thought it would give her some of the attention she is craving. The sheriiff said that if they know it's not bothering you a lot of times the behavior will just cease. He also said that they are out all hours of the night, but the likelihood of them catchin her was small. I said i understood and that if that was the time she was coming to my house this camera would not get a very good picture of her anyway,  so it just doesnt seem like a good idea.

Here is the weird thing, when I had the camera up and changed my phone number so that she could no longer mask her number call and hang up, I was getting e-mails from her best friends husband whoose wife (her best friend) has all of his passwords. Once i took down the camera and she started stalking agian, no more emails from best friends husband.

Agian it jus seems like at times there is no escaping them, when she has slowed the stalking behaviors down, now I am worried about whats coming next, the stress and anxiety jus dont ever seem to go away.

I am also seriously thinking of taking down the keep out and no tresspessing signs, as further indication of my indifference toward her actions. Just like i told the sherriff, as long as shes not breaking anything I'm fine.

My home and my porch are my and my sons refuge, it is out in the country where calm, quiet, peacefulness, serenity and contentment reign. It's like all of those things don't exhist for us anymore as long as those signs are up. It just ruins the whole feel of the place for us.

Courious about what anybody else thinks about taking the signs down... .

Thanks.

[catnap]

This should be a good thing, this is what I want, for this type of behavior to quit. However, I cant help but feel a great deal of anxiety about what is to happen next. In previous post I stated that I had found out the guy she is dating is fading fast. (Doesnt come to see her, gives her gas money to drive three hours to see him once a month etc) I just feel in my gut like theres something going on, or about to be going on.

I would personally leave them up from the legal aspect of things.  You might want to check your local laws.  Could the sign be placed where you don't have to see it when relaxing on your porch? 

I would not dismiss your gut instinct.  Which would make me wonder if she is going to up the ante to get your attention. 

Rejected Stalker

Motivation

(a) Begins to stalk after their partner (romantic or close friendship) has ended their relationship or indicates that he or she intends to end the relationship.

(b) Wants to be in a relationship with the victim again or seek revenge on the victim. The stalker's goals may vary, depending on the responses of the victim.

Personality

(a) May have high levels of these personality characteristics:

- narcissism

- jealousy

(b) May have:

- feelings of humiliation

- over-dependence

- poor social skills and a resulting poor social network

Stalking Behaviors

(a) Is often the most persistent and intrusive type of stalker.

(b) Is most likely to employ intimidation and assault in pursuit of their victim. A history of violence in the relationship with the partner is not uncommon.

Duration and Criminality

(a) This type of stalker is typically the most resistant to efforts aimed at ending their stalking behavior.

www.homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Group/BussLAB/stalkinghelp/StalkingWhyAm.html#Rejected

Stalking Resource Center  links to the stalking laws in different states

www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_State-byState_Statutes117

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phone calls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

www.angelfire.com/ga/random/bordr.html

[C12P21]

You need to be very clear about no contact. Let her know you will file a no contact order or just do it.

I had such a hard time with this question. My exNPDbf and I were in contact, so I thought it best to send letters, emails, and calls to try to talk to him. This was harassing behavior on my part-and cruel. I had no idea of this at the time as I was so consumed by grief and confusion.

Had he simply told me DO NOT CONTACT ME-I would have stopped immediately. It never occurred to stop! It thought I was helping. Of course there is a lot more to it- we were contacting each other. And, he wanted friendship. I realize now, there could be no friendship. Every time I contacted him I was seeking validation of my emotional experience. I am usually a calm person but how I behaved makes me cringe for both of us. In retrospect, I had no thoughts about his experience of my behavior and realize now, this was selfish of me. Yes, it was a traumatic break up and yes he was cruel in his treatment of me. But guess what, he has a right to choice. I forgot that.

The only thing I suggest is make it clear, short and to the point. Her behaviors are creepy, and your anxiety is justified. Apparently she cannot reign it in enough mentally to stop herself. Since this has happened to me- and I am usually pretty level headed- I understand now the anxiety the disordered person experiences. No contact, keep up the signs, get a court order-protect yourself. You have a right to your peaceful existence.

And, you are doing her a favor. Once she knows she cannot cross the line and her behavior is off, she just might get a clue she needs help and will leave you alone.

[2010]

I realize that this is an old post- but this bears mention:

One of the things that has to be stated here is that you cannot call someone a stalker and then phone them up to wish them well and expect that they won't be confused.

Borderline is an attachment disorder. It already comes with preconceived notions of black and white- so when you call them a stalker and them phone later (for whatever reasons; loneliness, curiosity, etc.) you are sending a message that inserts itself right into the file cabinet of a Borderline's mind, i.e. he loves me, he hates me, he loves me, etc.

The outcome is really in your hands.

[RKG]

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this stuff. BUT, I am glad to have some company in this department.

Yes, I agree. Keep the signs up, but perhaps move them to a local that isn't as obvious to you... .Enjoy your peaceful place.

I too am having to deal with this "stalking behavior". Today, however, she drove her brothers car to my favorite morning place for breakfast. My brother got there early, and called me. He said, hey... .She's here... .Her brother's car is out front. So, he left anf we met at another place. But, this has gone on for a week now, daily! Today was different in the fact that she was actually inside BEFORE we got there. What's this about? YES, we are changing locals beginning Monday, but when does this stop?

HELP... .

[2010]

when does this stop?

It stops when you erase the Map that leads to you. Borderline is an attachment disorder. Detach.  Narcissists want attention and dont like to be ignored. Ignore.

Your predictability of eating at the same breakfast spot day after day doesn't say much for your desire to remove the bullseye on the map. If you became a moving target, it would allow the attachment to break. Breaking the attachment also applies to not returning phone calls (that somehow come into your phone because you have not chosen to block them.) Vague and defuse boundaries offer little more than a heaping helping of disorder to the disordered. You've got to be concise and disappear. It might be better to put it in writing for your partner about the clothes and items left behind- that they are to be disposed of and you are to be never contacted again.

If there is a reason for not taking personal precautions and responsibility in all of this, it's likely because you CHOOSE to stay connected in this manner while creating anxiety for yourself about the *predictability of your partner.  (*read: un- predictability in your eyes, which is untrue. They are very predictable in attaching to you. They assimilate you and where you eat breakfast does count as "you."

Erase the Map that leads to you- block the phone. Block the email. Make it clear that you are not to be contacted. Anything less and you are confusing your ex partner and being cruel. This on again off again communication only facilitates the splitting of each other into good and bad- which causes feelings and emotions to overwhelm. You must rise above the need to bargain with these feelings and take responsibility for the hurt you are causing each other. It is important to end this without a slow bleed. Cauterize with no contact. Your partner will be better off for it and so will you.

[RKG]

when does this stop?

It stops when you erase the Map that leads to you. Borderline is an attachment disorder. Detach.  Narcissists want attention and dont like to be ignored. Ignore.

Your predictability of eating at the same breakfast spot day after day doesn't say much for your desire to remove the bullseye on the map. If you became a moving target, it would allow the attachment to break. Breaking the attachment also applies to not returning phone calls (that somehow come into your phone because you have not chosen to block them.) Vague and defuse boundaries offer little more than a heaping helping of disorder to the disordered. You've got to be concise and disappear. It might be better to put it in writing for your partner about the clothes and items left behind- that they are to be disposed of and you are to be never contacted again.

If there is a reason for not taking personal precautions and responsibility in all of this, it's likely because you CHOOSE to stay connected in this manner while creating anxiety for yourself about the *predictability of your partner.  (*read: un- predictability in your eyes, which is untrue. They are very predictable in attaching to you. They assimilate you and where you eat breakfast does count as "you."

Erase the Map that leads to you- block the phone. Block the email. Make it clear that you are not to be contacted. Anything less and you are confusing your ex partner and being cruel. This on again off again communication only facilitates the splitting of each other into good and bad- which causes feelings and emotions to overwhelm. You must rise above the need to bargain with these feelings and take responsibility for the hurt you are causing each other. It is important to end this without a slow bleed. Cauterize with no contact. Your partner will be better off for it and so will you.

Thank you for the MAP... .really. I have been trying to do this, but haven't had the "know-how", or the energy. I found this board last week, after finally realizing the truth about the relationship. I had no idea it was BPD. I was thinking more along the lines of Bipolar... .Which seems to be a bit more "laid back", I guess. I have maintained NC... .Well, no direct contact. I have a friend that has given me some info, as in one of my posts, regarding her and a "new guy". Anyway, I forwarded him an article about NC, and he has since stopped talking about the issue. I am working on this.

Monday, we are definately switching places for breakfast.

I had to call the phone number back, I know, it sounds like I am justifying it... .but I am doing some business, and the call looked as if it were coming from another business. If she were calling from her cell, or another phone, it would have been different... .I now know the switchboard number, and will not answer. I would like to change my phone number, but I just did this in October 2010, after she turned my other phone off in the middle of the night... .She cannot watch me on FB, and she soon will not know where I will be living. I am working to have my lawyer contact her lawyer to have her leave the stuff she has at one of their offices, as I do need alot of it... .My son's photos, and alot of stuff that would be useful. I have no need to see her, to meet with her... .Just trying to move on, really.

I can see where she is "attached". I am having a hard time, I am... .Truly. Each day, I feel a slight bit better than the next. I am learning to be ME again, slowly. Today was the first day I have felt GOOD in along time! Today, something clicked... .Thank God!

[C12P21]

Borderline is an attachment disorder. It already comes with preconceived notions of black and white- so when you call them a stalker and them phone later (for whatever reasons; loneliness, curiosity, etc.) you are sending a message that inserts itself right into the file cabinet of a Borderline's mind, i.e. he loves me, he hates me, he loves me, etc.

This is true. When I ended the contact, he emailed me and threatened me with a no contact order. This is after I had emailed and told him, no more contact as our relationship is abusive and it needs to end. Contact is a mistake.

So he emails with a threat. I took it seriously, I deactivated my Facebook, blocked his number, blocked his email. I want no further contact. He drove past my work, past my home a few times. He moved to another state and the phone calls with hang ups started-from the area he lives. I have decided to change my number and it will be unpublished. He is someone that I knew over thirty years ago... and I suspect he was the stalker that had bothered me for almost twenty years. I didn't know this but some things he alluded to make sense as does the call and hang ups now. I have a relationship with his parents, this will come to a close. I know they will understand as they are aware of his behaviors. I want him to have no avenue to me.

This experience taught me something valuable, I understand my role in the dysfunction. My anxiety and cognitive dissonance during the initial break up fueled my dysfunctional behavior. There is no excuse for my behavior-none. Although there are understandable reasons, there is simply no right to treat another person as though they cannot determine for themselves the choices of their life. In my desperation, I cared little for his right to autonomy and choice. Am I bothered by this? Absolutely I am, I acted without integrity to my core values, I invaded another human beings space and I fueled the fire. I am appalled that someone was that intrigued and obsessed with me would wait thirty years to come after me. And it wasn't easy to find me. When I began to realize with a dawning sense that he had been my stalker-from things I saw on his computer-to his stalking behaviors with his ex-wife, I knew he was disturbed and I began to withdraw from him and assess our relationship. I was disturbed for being with someone like this. Admitting these things to myself was hard and it was very confusing.

But in the end, with my emotional upset was real, my dysfunctional thinking was confusing, and I finally understood something. I understood what it feels like to be him.

No contact, make yourself unavailable, change your patterns. Create the boundaries that sometimes the boundary-less cannot create for themselves.

C