How common is 'indirect' contact?

[breakingpoint]

Another post got me wondering... .how common is it for them to try and check on you without actually making contact? My ex BPDbf and I split up for the final time around mid to late November, he blocked me on FB etc (I returned the favour so he can't un-block me and check on me should he get curious), we have had no direct contact since then. On New Year's Eve 'someone' left a plastic grocery bag on my door knob containing a bunch of used cat stuff (a cat collar, leash, used hairball remedy, 1/4 of a bag of ancient catnip)... .I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt it was him. My dog was sniffing at the door like crazy while I was vacuuming and he wouldn't do that unless someone was there... .but there was no knock so I just called the dog and carried on. About 10 minutes later I went to take the garbage out and found this stuff... .I looked at the clock and low and behold... .the stuff was dropped off at exactly the time my ex would have had to leave for work. Anyway... .i got to thinking... .is this sort of thing common? Everyone tells me that they always contact you again, even if it is months or years later... .I really don't expect to ever have him contact me directly again... .he is 'living happily ever after' with the woman he cheated on me with and he has painted me blacker than black to anyone who will listen, besides... .I may very well be one of the very few who knows the truth about him, his life, his affairs, his lies etc... .I am a threat.

I have moved on fairly well in the last couple of months... .I got a new job and I am  driving a new car and i figure there is no way he can know anything about my life... .but now I am wondering... .what are the chances that he has driven past my place and seen a different car parked in my spare spot? I live in a townhouse complex so he would park on the road and walk down the side pathway where he could easily see both my big old convertible parked in my carport and my spare parking spot with a new car in it. It's been been 6 months of absolutely no contact... .but now I am wondering.

[nwpbroke]

Dont wonder, who cares right, i would just leave it at someone had some cat stuff and knew u could use it.  The curiosity will kill you.  I had someone leave dog crap in my hallway (long story but 90% it was her).  Its that passive aggressive thing they love to do but pretend they hate passive aggressive people .

[breakingpoint]

Dont wonder, who cares right, i would just leave it at someone had some cat stuff and knew u could use it.  The curiosity will kill you.  I had someone leave dog crap in my hallway (long story but 90% it was her).  Its that passive aggressive thing they love to do but pretend they hate passive aggressive people .

Don't misunderstand me... .I know it was him that left the old cat crap on my door knob... .it was a long time ago and even at the time i had a good chuckle about it. My question really was... .is it common for them to make indirect contact and keep tabs on you without you knowing? has anyone ever found out that their ex had been doing this sort of thing randomly?

It would kind of bug me if I thought he was randomly checking on me after all this time and now knew what sort of car I drove etc. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it... .just wondering... .

[nwpbroke]

Dont wonder , its part of hte NC method 

[breakingpoint]

Dont wonder , its part of hte NC method 

Is this not the board for posting questions like this? If going NC means we can't wonder things and ask each other questions about BPD behaviour... .then there would be no point in these boards. FACT: I am completely NC.

[needPeace]

i saw my stbxpwBPD indirectly contact his exes through out our relationship... .  and now he does it to me... .

unfortunately we have a child together so he can always use her as a pawn to indirectly try to reach me.

i am confident, as you are, that your ex left that cat stuff at your door... .

[artdeco]

I knew that he had split up with his current GF after he contacted my friends, now I have come home after a four day easter holiday to find a messsage on both my emails and home phone (land line) from him wanting to pick up a piece of equipment that he left here over 1 1/2 years ago. Phone message in morning was pleasent but email at 10 at night (when I didnt return his equipment or his phone call) was not. No thought that I might have gone away, his needs, his wants must be met NOW. And whats worse I am wavering... .I miss what I thought was genuiene friendship ... .yes I know it wasnt it was him mirroring me ... .

[once removed]

the answer is very.

i actually think most people on this board who mention that they never got contact again just probably weren't aware.

and the thing is, it IS contact. they do not always directly contact you. sometimes they do both. the behavior you're describing is behavior described by two other members on this board, in atleast two other threads im currently engaged in.

mine has had no direct contact with me unless it was initiated by me. some of it, even when specifically ASKED for, has been ignored. to be a little clearer, the direct contact we've had was me trying to exchange our things. she told me she'd be in touch and would let me know, then wasn't. then after two weeks when i followed up, that was ignored. when i pressed further, she responded. when the day came, she told me next week would be better, but asked me to email her a list. it's been about a week and a half since i did, no response.

indirect contact? im surprised i discovered it because i never check the thing. but i discovered she was getting into the email account that was attached to my facebook. daily. then i planted an email "outing" her. unbeknown to me, she had my debit card. the day after she saw that email, she used my debit card for two purchases totaling 140 dollars. i directly contacted her (text) basically asking if she did it. she denied it. i guess i was being impulsive, it's not like i expected her to say yes. she continued to come back to my email account and open things even after that. she would without fail do so every time i contacted her about exchanging our things. other than that, her and i made a facebook account one night with both our names in it, and a picture of both of us, just an account for her to use for farmville. she systematically removed me and all of my friends from HER account. she did not remove this account. she did not delete this account. why? well, im not sure actually why she didn't remove it as a friend, especially if her new boyfriend were to see it. she didnt delete it because if i ever block HER account, she can use that. she can also use it to spy on my mom. the curious thing is, that a week or two ago, she took down the profile picture from the joint account but she did NOT remove it. the picture is still there if you click the thing. i also need no evidence to know she is checking my facebook page and keeping tabs on me. in my case, she is terrified of me finding another girl. that's also evident in the emails she's opened.

so to answer your question it is very common, and it is contact. it is wide ranging and broad in motive... .and downright fascinating, sometimes.

[2010]

It's been been 6 months of absolutely no contact... .but now I am wondering.

There has to be some reward in contact. Right now, you are very rewarding as a person to *blame.*

That would change in an instant if you called on the phone right now and said you were sorry. Then you'd become a rewarding object all over again, used as a human net to capture his cast off shame, scapegoated, then longed for and when he felt better about himself, and you hadn't told him what you really thought about personality disorders- your relationship might start back up again for a day or two, and then something would trigger his persecution complex and he'd have to place blame again and you'd be called cruel and unjust JUST like he always knew you were and you'd be right back where you started again- maybe this time metaphorically changing the locks.

Void where prohibited *The previous paragraph was for entertainment purposes only* Dont try this at home.

[m772001]

Very, see my post about e-mail from her best friends husband.

[breakingpoint]

Very, see my post about e-mail from her best friends husband.

I read your post... .that's what got me wondering... .

Thinking about it now, it wouldn't surprise me if he had done a few random drive-bys just to see if I am at home, or if anyone was over. I found out from neighbours who had seen him, that he had done this once when we were together... .just park on the street behind my house and walk in the complex to peek around the corner to see if I am at home when I say I will be... .I confronted him and told him the neighbours saw him do it 'several' times (although they only say him do it once) and he admitted to it.

[Hazelnut]

Mine comes into my workplace ALL the time. Looks my way but doesn't speak to me. We're not friends-- it ended hideously. I have no explanation for this behavior whatsoever. All I know is, it shows a major lack of empathy for what this must feel like for me.

The cat crap ploy is perfect: if you called to thank him, he could re-engage you; if you told him to leave you alone, he could just pretend he didn't want to waste the cat supplies (used hairball paste? blech)-- he could *pretend* he was caring about your cat, not you. Or totally deny it, depending on your reaction.

[breakingpoint]

The cat crap ploy is perfect: if you called to thank him, he could re-engage you; if you told him to leave you alone, he could just pretend he didn't want to waste the cat supplies (used hairball paste? blech)-- he could *pretend* he was caring about your cat, not you. Or totally deny it, depending on your reaction.

Funny this is... .the next day I sent him a text saying "I got the stuff you left on my door knob... .next time why don't you just knock on the door if you have something to give me". Well he sent me a long text back about how he worked that night and all the calls he had to do (he drives an ambulance), what kind of calls they were etc (trying to establish and alabie I think... .he doesn't know that I know what time the stuff got dropped off... .I indicated it was at 'night'... .then he ended his text with... .'wasn't me... .you must have a secret admirer... .good for you". I replied... ."they might want to remain a secret but they definitely aren't an admirer". Never heard from him again... .he is just N enough to think he's smarter than everyone and that I wouldn't figure out it was him... .probably spooked him that I figured it out so fast. He's a goof.

[OTH]

i can verify the accuracy. This is how I recycled. When we first broke up she cut me off completely and I couldn't get her to respond to me. The only way was to send x message that it was all my fault. Then she would start talking to me again and we would recycle. Than I would bring up the events of our past to try qnd understand and I would be painted black again and she would quit talking to me... .Until i sent another message that it was all my fault. Lol. Thank God I found this site... .Found a way out of the do loop. Lol

It's been been 6 months of absolutely no contact... .but now I am wondering.

There has to be some reward in contact. Right now, you are very rewarding as a person to *blame.*

That would change in an instant if you called on the phone right now and said you were sorry. Then you'd become a rewarding object all over again, used as a human net to capture his cast off shame, scapegoated, then longed for and when he felt better about himself, and you hadn't told him what you really thought about personality disorders- your relationship might start back up again for a day or two, and then something would trigger his persecution complex and he'd have to place blame again and you'd be called cruel and unjust JUST like he always knew you were and you'd be right back where you started again- maybe this time metaphorically changing the locks.

Void where prohibited *The previous paragraph was for entertainment purposes only* Dont try this at home.

[C12P21]

Yes, they do the contact thing in strange ways. I have seen my ex driving through the neighborhood... and now that he moved to another state, I doubt I will see him anymore.

But I suspect, I will see him again at some point. Over a thirty year time frame when we were out of touch, I realize that my phantom call and hang up person was probably him. I had an unlisted  number for years due to this problem. Since recontact, and then no contact-the calls have started again from an area code where he is probably living.

I don't return the calls, or check the number, I am done. 

I think it is kind of like a lost child looking for a toy they lost-or discarded-they miss the toy. But they cannot face the shame or responsibility of their careless behavior for losing the toy in the first place. So they placate themselves with a newer, shinier toy... only to occasionally miss the fun they had with the old one

so in some strange, weird way, they go and revisit the area where they lost their toy... in the hope maybe of finding a part of themselves they projected into that toy. 

[Caspian]

so in some strange, weird way, they go and revisit the area where they lost their toy... in the hope maybe of finding a part of themselves they projected into that toy. 

My uBPDexbf's behavior is really interesting to me (and hurtful) and I cannot help but wonder if he specifically chose a woman living in my area because she lives in my area.  He had previously moved and now he's living down here with her (and engaged) despite his parents and sister remaining in another state 9 hours away.  He moved to care for his parents, by the by.  All of this took 2 weeks tops.  I could be entirely off base, but it seems like a very calculated move considering he could have gone to someone else he knew incredibly well (but lives in an entirely different state) rather than a virtual stranger who lives in my area.  It's a thought I kick around from time to time.  Mind you, my breakup is still relatively fresh.  I could be wrong, I could be right.  I guess it truly doesn't matter. 

Your post made me think about that, though.

[once removed]

caspian,

i find with a pwBPD with those nagging questions, "it may be, it may not be." go with your gut, as it often is. consider anything possible, accept that, then turn back to you. you're right, in the long run it doesn't matter.

[Mystic]

I have come home after a four day easter holiday to find a messsage on both my emails and home phone (land line) from him wanting to pick up a piece of equipment that he left here over 1 1/2 years ago. Phone message in morning was pleasent but email at 10 at night (when I didnt return his equipment or his phone call) was not.

Eeek.  My ex left a bunch of stuff here when he left 9 months ago.  He mentioned it once in a snarly way in his last contact.  I didn't respond to that part of it and there's been no contact since.  Quite honestly, I figured it was tough luck... .my losses were huge as a result of the relationship, he took things of mine when he left that I requested to be returned and he did not return them.  He had ample time in his move out to take his things with him.  What he left was more of a utility nature than personal.  I'm not going to do anything about it, I want no further contact.  Guess I'll deal with it if/when it comes up. 

He showed at my son's house out of the blue about 2 months ago, returned a piece of my son's equipment (they had swapped) and told my son to keep his.  I don't know the motivation or if there was one.  As far as being magnanimous or doing the right thing, he'd have to go a lot further than that. 

My son was cordial to keep peace, then when he left called me immediately and told me to get out of my house cause he thought he might be coming here.  I grabbed my purse, keys and left.