The letter I am contemplating leaving. Some advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I wanted to share the letter I am thinking about leaving to say goodbye to my family after years of verbal and emotional abuse from my mom, with my family enabling her. I need honest feedback though! What would you do? Throw away the letter and just cut yourself out or send it? I have never felt so scared and vulnerable... .?

The letter:

I have thought about writing this letter for a long time. Before I was married, before things got bad... .every single time I felt caught in a cycle of love/hate this moment crossed my mind. I have spoken extensively with three counselors about this because I felt it was my fault and I felt guilty for these feelings. They agree enough is enough! I have been through so much and I need to surround myself by positive people who will be there for me no matter what and help me and my new, growing, family during this difficult time.

I know that being around my biological family is toxic and that instead of having unconditional love and support, my family drags me down, makes me feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed and/or confused . I felt guilty over the past years for having negative thoughts about my family. I wanted to take on all of the responsibility. I believed I was a bad person who caused these things to happen.

I have been told, as of yesterday, that I do not want to make things work and I do not try to understand other's feelings even though calls are unanswered, doors knocked on, and pleas given to be a part of the holidays with my family. My counselors have told me the following: “Understanding how low self-confidence and self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.

Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.”

Makes sense to me. It is allowed to continue because it works and because nobody is okay with standing up and saying, pump the brakes here! This is not okay. It's nothing to take lightly or sweep under the rug. It has robbed me of my dignity, destroyed my self-confidence since I was a teenager,  in creased my stress while pregnant and not pregnant, caused health problems for me such as insomnia and stomach problems, destroyed my morale, destroyed family relationships, fostered negativity, decreased my productivity at work, almost got me fired from work when mom showed up yelling at me about Jason last year and I went back in tears, and taken away the security of this idea I used to have called “home.”

I have been a personal target, especially over the past two years. Things have been turned around and manipulated to make me feel and look like a horrible person. I have been told I am at fault for each situation, and therefore responsible for their problems. If I take myself out of the picture, maybe that will allow the family to realize their problems are their own! It's not just me.

Jen, Ben's wife, was a target of lies and manipulation as well. She has handled it well, as I had over the years. I was told by mom that she looked through her jewelry box and was trying to “size up” mom's belongings for when she passed away. I hated Jen for years and could barely look at her. The hate continued, me being told Jen doesn't clean up toys when she picks up the kids, she doesn't parent right, she might be seeing someone else (from first pregnancy, mom said she saw her talking to her ex husband and mom suggested following her because she was leaving work early). My blood boiled! Until one day I realized, it's the same game I have been victim to. And I'm not going to feed into it anymore! I'm sure Jen loves her children and is a great mom and unfortunately, I will not get to know her children. Largely because she has been told lies about me and my family and reacted the same way I did when told lies about hers.

It makes me sad because I can hear the responses to this letter. She is just angry/horrible, she is not taking responsibility for her part in this, she is being told lies by her counselors, she is overreacting, she is toxic. In fact, if someone actually puts aside their defensiveness and reads this letter and tries to see my point of view, I would be shocked. I wont hold my breath because in my 26 years of experience, I am the bad guy. It is ME who is causing this. And who am I to tell you how to feel? If that's what you will forever think of me, then okay. If you want to blame me, Jason, baby, anyone else I cannot stop you.

I feel like I could go on forever because of all the pain but I'll stop it here. I have chosen, with the guidance of my counselor and years of trying to be the bigger person and work through this, that I am unable to be a member of this family anymore. I am bitter, angry, hurt, and defeated. I cannot allow myself, and especially my child, to be subjected to the vicious cycle I have been a part of my entire life. I have returned my phone to mom's doorstep and am saving for a car right now. If you want the car back, I have removed my valuable items so that you can have it. Do not come to my door. Do not attempt to contact me at work (the last place I have where my friends love and support me through everything that has happened and the means to support my baby). I will delete any emails.

One day, I hope that the people who have perpetuated hate are able to get the help that they need before they cause further harm to others. It's not okay. Everyone deserves a family, without fear of retribution when life gets hard and/or you make mistakes you are not proud of. I know that Dan is close with dad and Ben is close with mom. I never really had someone who I felt understood me, and I felt like an outsider when it came to understanding my parents as well. Thank you for all that you have done for me and I am sorry for all of the things I have done to hurt you and disrupt the family. I hope that one day you do not see me as this negative force and realize that I just wanted unconditional love for me and for my growing family. I only asked for the love I had freely given. I wanted my word to be enough to dispel stupid, outlandish, rumors. I have hid nothing from you now. I am a girl who was in a bad situation, whose new family did their best to make it better and was truly making progress, and whose biological family decided at that time to tear me down and disclude me.

No more. It's time for me and my family to start over and be better. Goodbye.

[corsters]

I wanted to share the letter I am thinking about leaving to say goodbye to my family after years of verbal and emotional abuse from my mom, with my family enabling her. I need honest feedback though! What would you do? Throw away the letter and just cut yourself out or send it? I have never felt so scared and vulnerable... .?

The letter:

I have thought about writing this letter for a long time. Before I was married, before things got bad... .every single time I felt caught in a cycle of love/hate this moment crossed my mind. I have spoken extensively with three counselors about this because I felt it was my fault and I felt guilty for these feelings. They agree enough is enough! I have been through so much and I need to surround myself by positive people who will be there for me no matter what and help me and my new, growing, family during this difficult time.

I know that being around my biological family is toxic and that instead of having unconditional love and support, my family drags me down, makes me feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed and/or confused . I felt guilty over the past years for having negative thoughts about my family. I wanted to take on all of the responsibility. I believed I was a bad person who caused these things to happen.

I have been told, as of yesterday, that I do not want to make things work and I do not try to understand other's feelings even though calls are unanswered, doors knocked on, and pleas given to be a part of the holidays with my family. My counselors have told me the following: “Understanding how low self-confidence and self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.

Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.”

Makes sense to me. It is allowed to continue because it works and because nobody is okay with standing up and saying, pump the brakes here! This is not okay. It's nothing to take lightly or sweep under the rug. It has robbed me of my dignity, destroyed my self-confidence since I was a teenager,  in creased my stress while pregnant and not pregnant, caused health problems for me such as insomnia and stomach problems, destroyed my morale, destroyed family relationships, fostered negativity, decreased my productivity at work, almost got me fired from work when mom showed up yelling at me about Jason last year and I went back in tears, and taken away the security of this idea I used to have called “home.”

I have been a personal target, especially over the past two years. Things have been turned around and manipulated to make me feel and look like a horrible person. I have been told I am at fault for each situation, and therefore responsible for their problems. If I take myself out of the picture, maybe that will allow the family to realize their problems are their own! It's not just me.

Jen, Ben's wife, was a target of lies and manipulation as well. She has handled it well, as I had over the years. I was told by mom that she looked through her jewelry box and was trying to “size up” mom's belongings for when she passed away. I hated Jen for years and could barely look at her. The hate continued, me being told Jen doesn't clean up toys when she picks up the kids, she doesn't parent right, she might be seeing someone else (from first pregnancy, mom said she saw her talking to her ex husband and mom suggested following her because she was leaving work early). My blood boiled! Until one day I realized, it's the same game I have been victim to. And I'm not going to feed into it anymore! I'm sure Jen loves her children and is a great mom and unfortunately, I will not get to know her children. Largely because she has been told lies about me and my family and reacted the same way I did when told lies about hers.

It makes me sad because I can hear the responses to this letter. She is just angry/horrible, she is not taking responsibility for her part in this, she is being told lies by her counselors, she is overreacting, she is toxic. In fact, if someone actually puts aside their defensiveness and reads this letter and tries to see my point of view, I would be shocked. I wont hold my breath because in my 26 years of experience, I am the bad guy. It is ME who is causing this. And who am I to tell you how to feel? If that's what you will forever think of me, then okay. If you want to blame me, Jason, baby, anyone else I cannot stop you.

I feel like I could go on forever because of all the pain but I'll stop it here. I have chosen, with the guidance of my counselor and years of trying to be the bigger person and work through this, that I am unable to be a member of this family anymore. I am bitter, angry, hurt, and defeated. I cannot allow myself, and especially my child, to be subjected to the vicious cycle I have been a part of my entire life. I have returned my phone to mom's doorstep and am saving for a car right now. If you want the car back, I have removed my valuable items so that you can have it. Do not come to my door. Do not attempt to contact me at work (the last place I have where my friends love and support me through everything that has happened and the means to support my baby). I will delete any emails.

One day, I hope that the people who have perpetuated hate are able to get the help that they need before they cause further harm to others. It's not okay. Everyone deserves a family, without fear of retribution when life gets hard and/or you make mistakes you are not proud of. I know that Dan is close with dad and Ben is close with mom. I never really had someone who I felt understood me, and I felt like an outsider when it came to understanding my parents as well. Thank you for all that you have done for me and I am sorry for all of the things I have done to hurt you and disrupt the family. I hope that one day you do not see me as this negative force and realize that I just wanted unconditional love for me and for my growing family. I only asked for the love I had freely given. I wanted my word to be enough to dispel stupid, outlandish, rumors. I have hid nothing from you now. I am a girl who was in a bad situation, whose new family did their best to make it better and was truly making progress, and whose biological family decided at that time to tear me down and disclude me.

No more. It's time for me and my family to start over and be better. Goodbye.

[2010]

What would you do? Throw away the letter and just cut yourself out or send it?

First of all, some acknowledgment of your pain is in order.    Then, a question. Is this letter a negotiable?  In other words, is it an invitation for negotiation? or is it a closed-ended statement?  If the letter is a negotiation, then you'll need to be prepared for a rebuttal. The forms that a rebuttal may take might even resemble the silent treatment which is torturing for anyone waiting for a reply- which brings me to the next supposition.

Let's suppose this letter is about a voice.  It's about a child trying to be heard by parents who have done a poor job of listening in the past. So, in effect, the letter is really about your own adult voicelessness.  In voicelessness, we try to say things differently, or write long letters in the hopes that we will finally be heard by the people we love. But in this method, while it appears like you are taking charge and using a commanding voice, the message only falls on deaf ears. People who dont listen- are used to your chatter. That's all they hear- and they've got a huge arsenal of defense mechanisms to fire back at you when they are forced to listen that merely creates static.

The best way to get the attention of deaf ears is to eliminate the static- and make concrete statements.

It's time for me and my family to start over and be better. Goodbye.

Exactly. It's time for me and my family to start over and be better. Goodbye.

That's all you need right there. That's all that is needed to get your point across. It is a clear concise boundary that states on your own terms what you feel is the best recourse in reaction to the people who have hurt you. This is non-static. It opens up a powerful personal action- that does not rely upon the reaction of others. The boundary may create a reaction but that reaction is out of your control- your actions involving the boundary are not.  These people that you loved cannot be counted on to set the boundaries for you.

This is your personal lesson and one of the hardest you will have to learn.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143873.0

Belief # 7- that if you say it louder you will be heard

(We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words….)

 

[corsters]

Thank you so much for your response and your help. I think you're right and to be honest, I wondered some of the same things about it falling of deaf ears and not being heard. I am so thankful for this message board and the people who have taken the time to respond and reach out.