Just an AHA moment...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had an aha moment today.  I had a LDR with my xuBPDgf (she in Europe and I in the US).  She did not like the fact that I would go out anywhere. I needed to be available to her whenever she needed me and it was usually when I had something to do is when she “needed me.”   I wanted to connect with the gay community since I came out 3-1/2 years ago and didn’t have any connections to the community.  So, my T encouraged me to just go out to the gay bar and experience it.  I didn’t do things out of my comfort zone so this was part of my therapy.  So in December 2010, I did and for the past year I went to the bar and became friendly with the bartenders and some of the gay men.  My ex did not like this.  She told me “you will not find quality people in a bar” (my T would say…OTB…you are at the bar and  you are quality) and “why do you have to be in the gay community…I don’t need that”.  She was afraid that I was looking for someone else and that was so far from the truth.  I wanted to live my life in the US.  So, I often would go out and not tell her because I know she would rage on it and be jealous…so I walked on eggshells.  Since it was her sleep time when I went out, I usually was ok with not having to tell her, but sometimes she would call and I would get “go back to your friends” and “why didn’t you tell me you were going out” or if I didn’t answer I would get so many messages that I was either dead, had an accident, or are you with someone else.  So I avoided telling her.

Now…back to the AHA moment…I just thought what if I didn’t go out and instead stayed home in isolation, like my ex wanted me to?  I would not have this awesome network that I have now and friends that genuinely care about me.    The bartender (who wasn’t working last night but that was in the bar) invited me to his house with a bunch of friends to have a game night.  He said OTB…this is big…I don’t invite many lesbians back to my house…I like you.  They have supported me through the breakup.  They have met my ex when she was here and have seen her BPD in action. 

SO…good thing I didn’t live in isolation like she wanted.  I would have been in deep depression with no one to turn to.  This week has been rough as hell for me!  I forced myself out last night and I realized that I have friends that I can turn to.  OTB

[OTB]

I had an aha moment today.  I had a LDR with my xuBPDgf (she in Europe and I in the US).  She did not like the fact that I would go out anywhere. I needed to be available to her whenever she needed me and it was usually when I had something to do is when she “needed me.”   I wanted to connect with the gay community since I came out 3-1/2 years ago and didn’t have any connections to the community.  So, my T encouraged me to just go out to the gay bar and experience it.  I didn’t do things out of my comfort zone so this was part of my therapy.  So in December 2010, I did and for the past year I went to the bar and became friendly with the bartenders and some of the gay men.  My ex did not like this.  She told me “you will not find quality people in a bar” (my T would say…OTB…you are at the bar and  you are quality) and “why do you have to be in the gay community…I don’t need that”.  She was afraid that I was looking for someone else and that was so far from the truth.  I wanted to live my life in the US.  So, I often would go out and not tell her because I know she would rage on it and be jealous…so I walked on eggshells.  Since it was her sleep time when I went out, I usually was ok with not having to tell her, but sometimes she would call and I would get “go back to your friends” and “why didn’t you tell me you were going out” or if I didn’t answer I would get so many messages that I was either dead, had an accident, or are you with someone else.  So I avoided telling her.

Now…back to the AHA moment…I just thought what if I didn’t go out and instead stayed home in isolation, like my ex wanted me to?  I would not have this awesome network that I have now and friends that genuinely care about me.    The bartender (who wasn’t working last night but that was in the bar) invited me to his house with a bunch of friends to have a game night.  He said OTB…this is big…I don’t invite many lesbians back to my house…I like you.  They have supported me through the breakup.  They have met my ex when she was here and have seen her BPD in action. 

SO…good thing I didn’t live in isolation like she wanted.  I would have been in deep depression with no one to turn to.  This week has been rough as hell for me!  I forced myself out last night and I realized that I have friends that I can turn to.  OTB

[diotima]

OTB: That is excellent. You took care of yourself rather than having let your ex control your life and sap you of all your own vital energy. I can say for myself that if I hadn't said "no" to the last recycle attempts I would not have discovered meditation, I would not have gone to a wonderful retreat in France and met new people, etc. In short: we would not have allowed ourselves to discover ourselves and healthy people to be around. Far better than giving in to the tantrums of a BPD child.

Diotima

[OTB]

OTB: That is excellent. You took care of yourself rather than having let your ex control your life and sap you of all your own vital energy. I can say for myself that if I hadn't said "no" to the last recycle attempts I would not have discovered meditation, I would not have gone to a wonderful retreat in France and met new people, etc. In short: we would not have allowed ourselves to discover ourselves and healthy people to be around. Far better than giving in to the tantrums of a BPD child.

Diotima

Thanks Diotima... .doesn't the world just open up when we open ourselves up?  I am in a good place now, what a difference a week makes.  I have a lot of work ahead of me in T, but not afraid of work    Not that I will always be this good and I am sure there will be ups and downs, but I realize that I can make myself happy and am not dependent on anyone else for my happiness.  Heading back out tonight to enjoy life and just be.    OTB

[2010]

“why do you have to be in the gay community…I don’t need that”.

How close are these feelings to your original feelings from your family of origin about coming out as a lesbian? The primary feeling was supplanted onto the secondary relationship.   

You are on your way to being authentic and true to yourself. 

[OTB]

“why do you have to be in the gay community…I don’t need that”.

How close are these feelings to your original feelings from your family of origin about coming out as a lesbian? The primary feeling was supplanted onto the secondary relationship.   

You are on your way to being authentic and true to yourself. 

Thanks 2010 that is so true... .since I denied my sexuality until I was 42 and got married to a man and had a child... .I never came out.  It definitely had a lot to do with that... .but she didn't want me in the community because she thought I would cheat on her... .which was so far from the truth.   I am getting close to being me... .got some more work to do but I will get there.  OTB

[diotima]

OTB: she was projecting! Good for you that you came out and now can be yourself.

Diotima

[clairedair]

OTB

I am sorry that you felt you had to hide part of your life from the person you loved and glad that you went out and made those friends who can now support you.

For a time I didn't have the strength to maintain some boundaries and ended up pushing away friends and family, and taking decisions that have affected my career and therefore my finances in a very negative way.  Fortunately, I realised what was happening and have been very fortunate that my family and friends 'waited' for me.  Not sure my job/finances will ever recover (though I reckon I've had so many things go wrong that it's time for me to win the Lottery  )

I know from one of your other posts that you are having a tough time but you can be proud of yourself for being yourself and not letting others tell you who to be. 

[OTB]

For a time I didn't have the strength to maintain some boundaries and ended up pushing away friends and family, and taking decisions that have affected my career and therefore my finances in a very negative way.  Fortunately, I realised what was happening and have been very fortunate that my family and friends 'waited' for me.  Not sure my job/finances will ever recover (though I reckon I've had so many things go wrong that it's time for me to win the Lottery  )

I know from one of your other posts that you are having a tough time but you can be proud of yourself for being yourself and not letting others tell you who to be. 

Hi clairedair... .It's crazy what we chose to let happen in these relationships.  I too had friends waiting for me when I realized the severity of the situation... .that helps a lot. 

I had a rather rough week with more downs than ups.  Good session of T today though and I feel like I am turning the corner.  I know there are more rough days ahead but I am getting a handle on why I stayed in this rs and how to change it for next time.  Btw... .I hope you hit the lottery     OTB

[clairedair]

Btw... .I hope you hit the lottery     OTB

I've just realised when reading your reply that I have been hoping to 'win the lottery' in my relationship - ever the optimist, I reconciled several times thinking ' this time... .', just like the person at the fruit machine.

Time to invest more wisely 

Glad to hear you're turning the corner - it'll still be a rough ride (I think that was the title of one of your posts) but you seem to be doing what you can for yourself.