I don't know how to break up

[Isa_lala]

Hello

This week was a difficult week again and last night was another awful night.

We live in separate homes so thanks God, he was at his with his 8 year-old son so I knew he couldn't drop at my place so easily and I managed the unending SMS and the several phone calls. He was so furious. The reason? It's not important. there is always a reason for him to be furious

This awful night was the one too much. I cannot take that anymore. It's been almost 3 years that we see each other and I have experienced this kind of night too often.

A week ago, I started to tell him that I wanted him to commit in a serious therapy (we were talking about therapy for the last 2 years on and off because he knows that he has a problem even thought we never spoke about BPD)

As he knows I expect an answer very soon.

I am the bad person, selfish, who doesn't love him as I should, who is happier with anybody than with him and so on. No discussion is presently possible.

I am leaving in a couple of hours for the weekend and he will not know where I am ( with friends he doesn't know and doesn't want to meet) and I would like to send him a long message as I cannot have a real conversation with him telling him that I don't want this relationship anymore.

I know that a written message is not what I would prefer but in the circumstances, I don't see any else option ... .

What should I say? Don't want to leave him in an abyssal emptiness but I need to think about myself also... .

[Mutt]

Hi Isa_lala,

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's been 3 years since you've seen each other.

If I may make a suggestion? I would advise against a long message if there's conflict. A good option, writing a message format with problematic people as an audience.

If your mind is made up, I suggest keep it short and to the point without ambiguity and not Justify, Attack, Explain, Defend (JADE) as to not escalate.

"I think we need to break up. Two years is a generous amount of time for commitment to therapy. I'm sorry."

He's going display tantrums.

The goal is to make you a small target, he has a history with his temperament; sends unending SMS messages and several calls?

Don't respond or pick-up. He's likely going to plead and beg.

[eyvindr]

Hi Isa_lala,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's emotionally exhausting, I know.

From just your brief post, your bf's behavior sounds very similar to my how my ex would behave, too. Also, like yours, mine has a young child.

I don't really have any advice for you. I think you're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, because we love them and wish things could work. But, after a reasonable amount of time, and a number of failed efforts to get things to work, I think a person has a right to make the choice that's right for them -- and sometimes it is to move on.

My ex wouldn't ever entertain that as an option, either -- and anytime I suggested that perhaps we just weren't compatible, she fought relentlessly to blame our r-ship issues on my unrealistic expectations, or emotional unavailability, or temper, or inexperience with r-ships, or lack of understanding women, or... .you get the picture.

Sadly, the only way I was able to detach and end the r-ship was to go NC. There was no other way out of it for me. I hope you don't have to resort to that, but it is an option. Sometimes, it's the only way. My ex would never have listened -- I tried for almost 4 years to get her to listen. Even NC didn't stop her from continuing to blame me for all of our problems. It's been almost 6 mos, and I'm sure that if I called her right now, she wouldn't miss a beat -- she'd pick up right where she left off. I know this, because it's happened before.

Not my problem anymore. I'm back to living my own life. Good luck to you.

[Tibbles]

Hi

So sorry you are going through this. From my experience make it short and sweet. If you try for a long involved explanation it invites more discussion as they ask for clarification and before you know it you are hooked into interaction that becomes a trigger for them and you are left battered and bruised and even more confused.

You don't need to justify your actions - as you said "The reason? It's not important. there is always a reason for him to be furious". Whatever you try to say and explain will be interpreted through the eyes of some one with a mental illness and it IS going to be taken the wrong way.

Keep it short and sweet and be ready for the fall out that will follow - good luck

[Isa_lala]

Thank you all for your answers.

He tried to have an endless disussion last night by SMS, but I didn't let him to go that way. However, I was so upset that I answered with a lot of anger... .Unexpectedly, it helped. He knew that I could easily not answer his calls neither his SMS, so he had no choice but to cool down if he wanted to speak with me.

I am still very focused on what I want and what I expect from a relationship. He won't probably listen to that, but too bad, I will respect myself. If he prefers to believe that I leave for another men, that is his problem, not mine.

If I have to end the relationship, i certainly will think of your advice, and keep it very short and to the point, not defending myself.

I will keep you posted

[eyvindr]

Isa-lala --

Another similarity -- I was always accused of wanting to break up because of other women. My ex never once even considered that the only reason really was my inability to keep riding the horrible emotional roller coaster that was our relationship. It wasn't good for either of us -- but she refused to accept it, always arguing that, if you loved someone, you accepted it and worked it out. Which always confused me -- until I realized that what she was saying was correct, when both people in the r-ship are mentally healthy and emotionally well-adjusted. When someone's mentally ill, those "standard r-ship guidelines" go out the window.