BPD significant other wants time and space

[Flowerman]

My significant other says she need time away from each other, a break from our relationship to see if she wants to stay in our relationship or just be friends. What do you suggest: give her the time and space she requested or try and be with her now.

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[cubicinch]

space of some sorts in any relationship is important, even if only a small amount... if this person has requested it, then I would respect their wish, even if it might go against your feelings. Space can help bring about perspective and clarity from both sides. This person obviously has uncertain emotions and wants the time to test themselves, if they miss you or not, but you don't want this to keep happening over and over, it will damage you emotionally. 

[Bwn]

sorry to Hijack but im new here.
What if youve broken up but she wants to see you and you spend the night just after a break up?
Should i be the one to leave her go?

[GuySmiley]

Usually when a BPD wants space from the relationship it means they want to look elsewhere, while still maintaining a connection to you in case dating doesn't work out. Being on a break is a grey area that's neither an on or an off relationship. And it gives them the freedom to dip their toe in the dating pool without having to be completely single if the next partner doesn't work out - they still have you to fall back on because the relationship never ended, you were just on a break, remember? Similarly if they do meet someone else and it does work out, well you'll be dumped in a shot, because you weren't together, you were on a break, remember. They're trying to have their cake and eat it.

You're setting yourself up as being an option to someone as opposed to being their one single choice. You're lowering your value in their eyes.

If they're looking for space or thinking of having a break then give them what they ask for - a break, but you make it a clean permanent break and move on. Because chances are if you stick around and let them keep you in the grey area you're going to get hurt in the near future.

[cubicinch]

Usually when a BPD wants space from the relationship it means they want to look elsewhere, while still maintaining a connection to you in case dating doesn't work out. Being on a break is a grey area that's neither an on or an off relationship. And it gives them the freedom to dip their toe in the dating pool without having to be completely single if the next partner doesn't work out - they still have you to fall back on because the relationship never ended, you were just on a break, remember? Similarly if they do meet someone else and it does work out, well you'll be dumped in a shot, because you weren't together, you were on a break, remember. They're trying to have their cake and eat it.

You're setting yourself up as being an option to someone as opposed to being their one single choice. You're lowering your value in their eyes.

If they're looking for space or thinking of having a break then give them what they ask for - a break, but you make it a clean permanent break and move on. Because chances are if you stick around and let them keep you in the grey area you're going to get hurt in the near future.

interesting you should comment this, mine  ditched me over a period of weeks, just allowed me to hang myself slowly, then announced that we were both free to date again, without any sympathy or regret, or remorse over the failed relationship attempt... no period of mourning for her, to regather her life before she could go and find someone else, just straight back in there, and no qualms about telling me that either.

[abraxus]

Usually when a BPD wants space from the relationship it means they want to look elsewhere, while still maintaining a connection to you in case dating doesn't work out. Being on a break is a grey area that's neither an on or an off relationship. And it gives them the freedom to dip their toe in the dating pool without having to be completely single if the next partner doesn't work out -

This is one aspect of BPD I find contradictory, and why I think some of it is bs. If we're to believe what we're told, then people with BPD are stuck in a pattern of black of white thinking. If that were true, then a relationship would be either on or off, and not stuck in some grey area limbo. In fact I've used that logic in the past with a BPD girlfriend, who wanted space, and told her that I don't do grey areas, only black and white, and that together means "on" and space means "off", and that I was happy for her to choose either. She decided she didn't need the space after all.

In my experience, I've found that it's best never to fight any decision she might want, or request she may make. Instead tell her that you're happy for her to do as she pleases, but explain to her how you will view it and what your actions will be accordingly. That way she gets the benefit of making her own decision, whilst being fully aware of the consequences of it, and knowing that it won't allow her to keep you dangling on a string.

[cubicinch]

In my experience, I've found that it's best never to fight any decision she might want, or request she may make. Instead tell her that you're happy for her to do as she pleases, but explain to her how you will view it and what your actions will be accordingly. That way she gets the benefit of making her own decision, whilst being fully aware of the consequences of it, and knowing that it won't allow her to keep you dangling on a string.

I don't think she even has or will date again, I think she said things like this to provoke response from me. I just said okay then, and straight on with the NC. Which is where it will stay for good.