No realizations.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Broke up with undiagnosed x in July 2011. I sent him a lengthy email why I am breaking up with him. I had a few of my friends read them before sending it, to make sure that it was straight to the point, rational. The tone of the email was calm and I even thanked him in the end. When he read the email, the only response I received was via text “I took you for granted?” Then a phone call later, he said “I took away your happiness? It seems as if I didn’t do anything to fight for you! This is not right!”

A little background: We dated when we were teens and in 2011 got together (after 9 years) and after he abruptly broke up with his LDR gf of a year. The girl wanted to save their relationship so she flew thousands of miles to stay with my ex and his mother (who likes her and loathes me for no rational reason at all).

I just felt that I was the one fighting for attention, when I shouldn’t be. I was his girlfriend at that time and I felt that he was not fighting for me. After the breakup, he still continued calling and texting me... He would call when he was in the bathroom so that “they won’t hear” him. He would talk to me when he’s on the way to and from work and hang up when he’s in front of his house because “they might see him talking on the phone”.

It was absurd... It was too painful. And I even when I knew that they were together, I still hang around, still texted back, still picked up the phone when he would call. He probably thought it was okay, that I was okay.

It came to a point when out of nowhere, I blocked him on facebook, skype, and ym. He was enraged. He called me and asked “What is your problem? The next time you’ll be in a relationship, don’t do these kinds of things.” That was the last I heard from him. I texted to say, “I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt you.” I even greeted him on his birthday without any response.

He told my friend that he isn’t responding to me anymore because it would be unfair for his girlfriend if he would still communicate with me. That’s plain and simple BS. Another coping mechanism.

I left this relationship and got off the rollercoaster. I am happy that we are now NC and I know I would not hear from him, it allows me to heal... Slowly... But surely I will get there. I got rid of the stress and my life is now peaceful, I get to do the things that I want and enjoy! I am just sad that there was no realizations on his part. He probably thinks I am still the villain and he’s the victim... He’s been a “victim” all 29 years of his life.

[cookie_au_lait]

Broke up with undiagnosed x in July 2011. I sent him a lengthy email why I am breaking up with him. I had a few of my friends read them before sending it, to make sure that it was straight to the point, rational. The tone of the email was calm and I even thanked him in the end. When he read the email, the only response I received was via text “I took you for granted?” Then a phone call later, he said “I took away your happiness? It seems as if I didn’t do anything to fight for you! This is not right!”

A little background: We dated when we were teens and in 2011 got together (after 9 years) and after he abruptly broke up with his LDR gf of a year. The girl wanted to save their relationship so she flew thousands of miles to stay with my ex and his mother (who likes her and loathes me for no rational reason at all).

I just felt that I was the one fighting for attention, when I shouldn’t be. I was his girlfriend at that time and I felt that he was not fighting for me. After the breakup, he still continued calling and texting me... He would call when he was in the bathroom so that “they won’t hear” him. He would talk to me when he’s on the way to and from work and hang up when he’s in front of his house because “they might see him talking on the phone”.

It was absurd... It was too painful. And I even when I knew that they were together, I still hang around, still texted back, still picked up the phone when he would call. He probably thought it was okay, that I was okay.

It came to a point when out of nowhere, I blocked him on facebook, skype, and ym. He was enraged. He called me and asked “What is your problem? The next time you’ll be in a relationship, don’t do these kinds of things.” That was the last I heard from him. I texted to say, “I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt you.” I even greeted him on his birthday without any response.

He told my friend that he isn’t responding to me anymore because it would be unfair for his girlfriend if he would still communicate with me. That’s plain and simple BS. Another coping mechanism.

I left this relationship and got off the rollercoaster. I am happy that we are now NC and I know I would not hear from him, it allows me to heal... Slowly... But surely I will get there. I got rid of the stress and my life is now peaceful, I get to do the things that I want and enjoy! I am just sad that there was no realizations on his part. He probably thinks I am still the villain and he’s the victim... He’s been a “victim” all 29 years of his life.

[2010]

Cookie,

He abruptly broke up with his LDR gf of a year to recycle you. She flew thousands of miles to stay fight for him. Since he lives with his Mother, she took the side of the girlfriend who was unceremoniously dumped because he recycled you. He never left the girlfriend. (It sounds like he needed attention.)

I was his girlfriend at that time and I felt that he was not fighting for me.

You felt that he should make his choice and stick with it. Alas, the former girlfriend was thinking the same thing.

After the breakup, he still continued calling and texting me... He would call when he was in the bathroom so that “they won’t hear” him. He would talk to me when he’s on the way to and from work and hang up when he’s in front of his house because “they might see him talking on the phone”.

The relationship continued in secret, that must have been devastating for you.

I knew that they were together, I still hang around, still texted back, still picked up the phone when he would call. He probably thought it was okay, that I was okay.

It was not Okay.

It came to a point. I blocked him. He was enraged. That was the last I heard from him. He told my friend that he isn’t responding to me anymore because it would be unfair for his girlfriend if he would still communicate with me. That’s plain and simple BS. Another coping mechanism.

No, it's not a coping mechanism, it's called doing the right thing. In spite of the hurt you feel, he's actually doing you a favor. No contact is necessary and important for you (both) to move on and heal from this. Neither one of you is a victim. Both of you desired to renew a past relationship (for whatever reasons) and did not think about the hurt that the third person involved might have felt. You cannot make a stable foundation of love on the someone else's tears. It's called triangulation (read definition) and it never works out.

He's now accepting the fact that he did something wrong. He does realize it. And yes, it would be unfair to *everyone* involved if you continued to contact each other.  

[GreenMango]

You cannot make a stable foundation of love on the someone else's tears.

This is so true.  Thanks for putting it in these words.

-GM