My NC saga goes on

[Depression = 72% of members]

Her boundary breaking campaign and my NC saga of 2 months continues. After she contacted my ex and long term partner of many years last week via facebook whom she never met or knew to ask/share some things about me and got blocked by my ex partner, there have been some new developments. Today I received an invite from an unknown woman to connect in Skype. I accepted the invite as I thought it was someone from a recent seminar I attended but not really. Here she is, my ex pretending to be someone else. I realised it eventually from the words she used, her profile details and I remembered that she has done this to others before me.

At the beginning I wasn't sure so I ask who is this? She says that she just likes to meet new people and where am I from? I told her I am not into meeting new people at the moment and especially people that I don't know. And then she went in straight for the kill. She says she likes guys that have a really hard dck. Do you have a hard dick?' I am like 'ok bye' and she comes back with a even more explicit sexual message. After that I realised it was her and I blocked her.  She did something similar to one of her ex's when he went NC with her. She created a fake dating profile and started stalking and eventually flirting with him after they broke up.

Every week there is some new thing happening, one more creatively extreme than the other. I think the next thing I am expecting to happen here is to see her on my doorstep one of these days. I need to have a solid plan for that. Suggestions?

[freedom33]

Her boundary breaking campaign and my NC saga of 2 months continues. After she contacted my ex and long term partner of many years last week via facebook whom she never met or knew to ask/share some things about me and got blocked by my ex partner, there have been some new developments. Today I received an invite from an unknown woman to connect in Skype. I accepted the invite as I thought it was someone from a recent seminar I attended but not really. Here she is, my ex pretending to be someone else. I realised it eventually from the words she used, her profile details and I remembered that she has done this to others before me.

At the beginning I wasn't sure so I ask who is this? She says that she just likes to meet new people and where am I from? I told her I am not into meeting new people at the moment and especially people that I don't know. And then she went in straight for the kill. She says she likes guys that have a really hard dck. Do you have a hard dick?' I am like 'ok bye' and she comes back with a even more explicit sexual message. After that I realised it was her and I blocked her.  She did something similar to one of her ex's when he went NC with her. She created a fake dating profile and started stalking and eventually flirting with him after they broke up.

Every week there is some new thing happening, one more creatively extreme than the other. I think the next thing I am expecting to happen here is to see her on my doorstep one of these days. I need to have a solid plan for that. Suggestions?

[Recooperating]

Seriously, WOW! Im speechless!

Mine did some serious stalking to, also created fake FB accounts, but I never accepted. (He admitted to it later) so I was spared this type of BS. He also send me messages to my emailadress from a datingsite called badoo. I deleted the messages without reading them. He sebt messages to my youtube channel (deleted it), took on new phonenumbers and sent me messages (also blocked now).

The lack of respecting onces boundaries keeps amazing me.

This probably is part of the exstinsion burst they go through. Once they dont get replies long enough, they'll get bored and it will stop (i hope)... .

Good luck with these crazy episodes of hers! Staying NC is the only remedy! Can you screen who's at the door? I wouldnt open the door if it was her standing in front of it. Ignore ignore ignore... .If she persists, ask her to leave. If she doesnt just call the police?

[myself]

In the past, when my ex would show up at my door during a time she'd painted me black, I'd say, "Great. Let's Talk. Completely honest with each other." I'd look right into her eyes the whole time, being calm and real with her. She'd rage, cry, act confused, and leave. Couldn't take such directness, resolve or boundaries. She couldn't/didn't have an adult conversation. She mostly just wanted help propping up her disordered illusions and delusions. She didn't come here for me, she was looking for/running from herself.

[freedom33]

Thanks for your support and tips guys. I am not letting her in if I know she is the one buzzing the door. I am worried that she might camp outside the house one day and corner me while i am trying to get in. She seems very unstable at the moment and I do not know how I will handle the whole thing. It will be quite a shock to see her after 2 months NC. What do you mean by extinction burst Recooperating?

[RisingSun]

Man Freedom, she's flat out getting crazy on you. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried. Sorry she's making it so tuff for you to hold NC in peace.

I too fear my xw cornering me at home. These days when I hear a noise out side the house at night I'm not afraid it's a burglar. I'm afraid it's my xw!

I just learned what an Extinction Burst was today.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Hang in there bro.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry man hang in their

Both of you are hurting.

[freedom33]

Thanks for the support guys. Difficult last few days.

I just don't understand why she is acting like this? If she wanted to be with me why can't she just apologise for her mistakes and take ownership of her issues? Would me flirting with an unknown woman out of a porn movie that she was pretending to be, give her the ammunition to say you see he is already flirting with btchs - he 's not worth anything - i have been abandoned etc.? Is this it? Manufacturing reality to be consistent with her abandonment belief? This disorder is so fckng unfair for everyone involved!

She has been in and still is in therapy for more than a decade. She is aware of her unstable relationship patterns of almost four decades now. She is desperate to have a family and a child but she is incapable of having a relationship for more than 3-4 months straight. I am sure she knows she has BPD traits. She has books on it. I told her I know about what is going on and I am happy to walk the path next to her and support her in the process. She told me that I was crazy and asked me to take back what I said. She never acknowledged she had strong BPD traits. She blamed me with BPD instead. Now she is acting all creepy. I wonder if she doesn't realise how crazy all of this is? Doesn't she realise what she is doing? Why can't she accept it? We were never a team and I never got a damn apology for anything.

She will show up on my doorstep one of these days and you know what she will do? She will say hi and keep smiling with a smile of a 3 year old trapped in a 37 year old woman, she wont's say anything else, not an apology, nothing, she will just stay there looking at me and smiling like an orphaned puppy until I let her in my arms. And until now I always fell for that. The truth is that I have tried everything that was humanly possible to be with her but she is impossible to be with. I might tell her that and she won't say anything... .she will just keep smiling until I let her in... .let her in my arms... .and she would be back in heaven, in safety and I will be back in heaven too... .and then we 'd make in love and be in paradise. I always fell for this.  But paradise is lost. The sky has fallen.

[Recooperating]

I just don't understand why she is acting like this? If she wanted to be with me why can't she just apologise for her mistakes and take ownership of her issues? Would me flirting with an unknown woman out of a porn movie that she was pretending to be, give her the ammunition to say you see he is already flirting with btchs - he 's not worth anything - i have been abandoned etc.? Is this it? Manufacturing reality to be consistent with her abandonment belief? This disorder is so fckng unfair for everyone involved!

Extinction Bursts are the psyche’s last magnificent attempt to produce a response it needs but has been denied. It consists of a sudden and temporary increase in the maladaptive response's frequency, followed by the eventual decline and extinction of the behavior targeted for elimination.

Extinction burst Example: you enter an elevator and press the button, but nothing happens. You then press it again and wait, and still nothing happens. You then proceed to push the button a number of times rapidly and firmly, hoping that it will work. You may even get upset and punch the panel, kick the wall etc. When this meets with no results, only then will you realize that it is not responding to your actions, and that you will have to accept that it is broken and get out to use the stairs.

Other example; a five year old passes by a candystore everyday with its mother. Everyday he asks his mother for a piece of candy. The child is used to being able to manipulate the mom into daying yes. He gets candy everyday. One day the mother decides to reinforce boundaries and say NO and stick to NO. The child will throw a huge tantrum, giving it every thing he's got to get that candy. Only if mom persists saying NO every time will the child learn he cant have candy every time they pass the store... .The behavior goes extinct... .

And these are nons... ., imagine how a person with emotional dysregulation will behave... .

She is trying everything she can think of to get a reaction out of you. Only if you stay NC will it stop!

[freedom33]

She won't get a reaction. I have never been happier in my life for a really really long time. I am even happier before I met her. I met her a few months after a relationship that I was having for years with my ex partner ended. A relationship that was dragging on too long for both of us.

I don't remember myself as content and contained as I have been the last couple of weeks. I am full of life and optimism. I am getting my hobbies and interests back, making plans for the future, seeing my friends. Having a lot of fun with myself and getting in touch with a long lost friend, the real me. I had lost my self and now I missed me :-).

At the same time, I still occasionally fantasise she might hit rock bottom after the extinction burst runs out and make a real change in her life - then I get to meet her a year or two down the line both matured from the experience and we sail to the sunset together... .This is not a fantasy that keeps me going, I am solidly on my feet now - never felt stronger and surer about myself for a long time - but somehow it is there. 

We had a lot of common interests with my ex. It was not just mirroring. Objectively there was and still is a lot that we had in common. From music, politics and the spiritual/religious realm to camping and walks and gigs and being both wild, raw and intense etc etc. It is a shame that it can't work out. I know I have to keep her out of my life. It is for the best hers and mine. But still... .what a shame... .

[Blimblam]

Often when a pwBPD is confronted the way they admit things to you is through projection it is their twisted way of acknowledging you.  

I recently was messaging a BPD ex of mine from 12 years ago who wrecked me.  I asked her why she never appologized.  She blamed me for a bunch of stuff. Then I said "i am sorry you feel that way I never meant to hurt you." She then round aboutly acknowledged a bunch of her actions and that's why she's is going in school now. That she would work it out in therapy.

It caused her to dysregulate and she communicated the best she could but she did Adress what I brought up. No appology though she said I can't force her to do something.

She admitted all her relationships failed but she blamed me. The way in understood it is the only way show could expose her deep vulnerabilities to me is through projection.


She exists within the disorder so she may acknowledge what you want from her but with only the ability to express it within the way the disorder works which is projection blaming splitting.  In reality I think they hope you are able to read through their nonsense and understand that's just how they can communicate those things.

[freedom33]

I don't need a long apology for everything she's done - a one time acknowledgement that she is living with a process that is making her life difficult would do for me. That would have been enough. And if she wanted me to be with or support her in some way she could just ask. I did ask when I needed during our relationship - she said she liked that I showed vulnerability (which was kind of a rare thing for me to do too). So then after I showed vulnerability and expressed my needs I was repeatedly denied, turned down and abused. Then I stopped asking and withdrew to lick my wounds.

She is doing all these crazy things and gone to extremes to get me back and now she 's blocked from every communication platform in the galaxy because these gestures have no content. The tragic irony is that with an honest message she would have had better chances to get what she wanted. She has not done the simplest thing available to her - to in a few lines describe the situation she is in and simply ask for what she needs. But that would have shown vulnerability and my ex is just too proud to do that.

[FoolishMan]

We are dealing with mental illness here. Crazy behaviour. I don't know why so many people read into it. It's not you it's her. You can't ever fix her or help her. She's not too proud, she is too ill.

[freedom33]

I am not saying it is me - it is her when it comes to the above point I am making. And I am not trying to fix her. As I said there are genuine things I enjoy doing with her. We have common interests. And I also have my share of things that have done wrong but the difference is that I took responsibility, acknowledged them and took action to change. Because I have insight and the emotional maturity to do that. Saying that she is proud or in other words unable to accept blame and assume responsibility is not reading it into it. Is calling it as it is. And what does mental illness mean anyway FoolishMan? Isn't this just a label? Something to name a societal inconvenience? A meaningless word that removes the responsibility of looking further and understanding? People use words as if they know what they mean. Ah yeah there's a black hole in the centre of our galaxy is if anyone really understands what that means... .

[Blimblam]

I don't need a long apology for everything she's done - a one time acknowledgement that she is living with a process that is making her life difficult would do for me. That would have been enough. And if she wanted me to be with or support her in some way she could just ask. I did ask when I needed during our relationship - she said she liked that I showed vulnerability (which was kind of a rare thing for me to do too). So then after I showed vulnerability and expressed my needs I was repeatedly denied, turned down and abused. Then I stopped asking and withdrew to lick my wounds.

She is doing all these crazy things and gone to extremes to get me back and now she 's blocked from every communication platform in the galaxy because these gestures have no content. The tragic irony is that with an honest message she would have had better chances to get what she wanted. She has not done the simplest thing available to her - to in a few lines describe the situation she is in and simply ask for what she needs. But that would have shown vulnerability and my ex is just too proud to do that.

Eventually you will accept that she can not do that. Not without years of therapy or a particularly lucid moment on really good MDMA or acid even then it's a big maybe.

It's a tragedy

[freedom33]

Yeah I don't have any hope Blim. I have accepted reality. My fantasy is fully conscious now. It is when the fantasy is unconscious that can fully grip us. The unknown unknowns. I just like to share my experience with the community and hear your views. She has been in T for over a decade now. She never tried MDMA and I think it would have been really good and therapeutic for her. It has certainly been for me the times I have done it in a controlled setting with close friends. But I never wanted to do it with her. I was afraid of getting more attached to her. Some self-preservation instinct kicked in or guardian angel guided me and I avoided very deep entanglement.

[FoolishMan]

I am not saying it is me - it is her when it comes to the above point I am making. And I am not trying to fix her. As I said there are genuine things I enjoy doing with her. We have common interests. And I also have my share of things that have done wrong but the difference is that I took responsibility, acknowledged them and took action to change. Because I have insight and the emotional maturity to do that. Saying that she is proud or in other words unable to accept blame and assume responsibility is not reading it into it. Is calling it as it is. And what does mental illness mean anyway FoolishMan? Isn't this just a label? Something to name a societal inconvenience? A meaningless word that removes the responsibility of looking further and understanding? People use words as if they know what they mean. Ah yeah there's a black hole in the centre of our galaxy is if anyone really understands what that means... .

I suppose if you want to be a cuckold caretaker then fine. When I refer to mental illness I'm not using the labels like BPD etc etc I'm simply stating that you won't and can't ever get to the bottom of how they think. They can't either. Don't you see the futility of it? This is the leaving forum is it not? Detaching?

[freedom33]

FoolishMan - Go, work out and beat up your replacement in the boxing ring once more so you don't feel like a weak cuckold and pass this one. You can't seem to understand my point here.

[Blimblam]

Guys guys.

Foolish man makes a very valid point. Except I think he projects that it can not be understood as his own realization that it doesn't need to be understood to move on.

While you freedom.

Are meerly brining out a reflection of your current state of mind into the light of day from the darkness within to reflect on what happened and make sense of it for yourself not for her.

It's just two personality types that process things differently.

The "Nf" types have an internal "need " to understand.  The thinking type will come to the conclusion they don't need to understand to move on.

It just different personality types.  We are all attempting to detach in the way that makes sense to ourselves and in the end all roads lead to Rome.

[FoolishMan]

FoolishMan - Go, work out and beat up your replacement in the boxing ring once more so you don't feel like a weak cuckold and pass this one. You can't seem to understand my point here.

Read your first post again freedom. I don't feel like a weak cuckold. I've escaped intact. I don't need any expensive therapy and I do to need to read into her actions 24/7. I don't care. If she sent me anonymous messages asking if I had a hard dick, I wouldn't even post it up here I'd just laugh.

Good luck with the R/S

[Rise]

Read your first post again freedom. I don't feel like a weak cuckold. I've escaped intact. I don't need any expensive therapy and I do to need to read into her actions 24/7. I don't care. If she sent me anonymous messages asking if I had a hard dick, I wouldn't even post it up here I'd just laugh.

Good luck with the R/S

FoolishMan,

It's good that you have found your path to healing. Not everyone here has yet. I read your story, and it seems for a while there you had a rather hard time letting go yourself. Try and remember what it was like being at that stage, and keep in mind, not everyone here has made it to the same point you have. We all have to make it through the process in our own way, in our own time. For many of us, it takes a lot longer to detach. And honestly, just telling someone to get over stuff very rarely achieves the intended goal. If it did, life would be much easier to deal with. I know you're trying to help, and I do appreciate you being straight forward, but there are a lot of people here with different backrounds, and different ways of coping with things. Those of us that tend to be blunt have to remember that to those of us not used to speaking that way, it can come across as aggressive or hurtful. A little sensitivity can go a long way.

Best Luck,

Rise

[FoolishMan]

I suppose I'm just tired of reading on the "leaving board" people who are desperate to "stay".

I dont think it helps people who are desperate to detach. I was really really struggling. I don't deny that. I'm only saying what actually helped me. I was wishing I could get back, could help her, could make myself "better" but it's not about that. It's about escaping with the rest of my life left to live. Not in pain.

I hope my bluntness isn't taken as aggression. This site and it's members have helped me. Not helped me hold on to a fantasy but to detach and get back to a normal loving relationship. I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I don't want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

[Blimblam]

I suppose I'm just tired of reading on the "leaving board" people who are desperate to "stay".

I dont think it helps people who are desperate to detach. I was really really struggling. I don't deny that. I'm only saying what actually helped me. I was wishing I could get back, could help her, could make myself "better" but it's not about that. It's about escaping with the rest of my life left to live. Not in pain.

I hope my bluntness isn't taken as aggression. This site and it's members have helped me. Not helped me hold on to a fantasy but to detach and get back to a normal loving relationship. I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I do to want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

It's projection man. You are projecting how you feel about youself in that state when you were there.

My dad saw me in my miserable state and said to me, "I don't understand and I don't want to understand". What I took from that is he has closed off the part of himself that is vulnerable to avoid his pain and when he identifies that part of himself in others he lashes out to avoid his own pain.

[FoolishMan]

I suppose I'm just tired of reading on the "leaving board" people who are desperate to "stay".

I dont think it helps people who are desperate to detach. I was really really struggling. I don't deny that. I'm only saying what actually helped me. I was wishing I could get back, could help her, could make myself "better" but it's not about that. It's about escaping with the rest of my life left to live. Not in pain.

I hope my bluntness isn't taken as aggression. This site and it's members have helped me. Not helped me hold on to a fantasy but to detach and get back to a normal loving relationship. I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I do to want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

It's projection man. You are projecting how you feel about youself in that state when you were there.

My dad saw me in my miserable state and said to me, "I don't understand and I don't want to understand". What I took from that is he has closed off the part of himself that is vulnerable to avoid his pain and when he identifies that part of himself in others he lashes out to avoid his own pain.

I wouldn't say that applies to me. I'm honestly not in pain anymore and it hurts me to see and read so many of you remaining in pain. I can only say what helped me and it wasn't thinking I to every action or word that was said. I think I have about a week left then I will leave here, I think it's only going to be upsetting reading about people putting themselves through hell while I am able to enjoy life again. Take care of yourself blim I hope you can detach soon and end the pointless pain you feel. All the best.

[Blimblam]

I suppose I'm just tired of reading on the "leaving board" people who are desperate to "stay".

I dont think it helps people who are desperate to detach. I was really really struggling. I don't deny that. I'm only saying what actually helped me. I was wishing I could get back, could help her, could make myself "better" but it's not about that. It's about escaping with the rest of my life left to live. Not in pain.

I hope my bluntness isn't taken as aggression. This site and it's members have helped me. Not helped me hold on to a fantasy but to detach and get back to a normal loving relationship. I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I do to want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

It's projection man. You are projecting how you feel about youself in that state when you were there.

My dad saw me in my miserable state and said to me, "I don't understand and I don't want to understand". What I took from that is he has closed off the part of himself that is vulnerable to avoid his pain and when he identifies that part of himself in others he lashes out to avoid his own pain.

I wouldn't say that applies to me. I'm honestly not in pain anymore and it hurts me to see and read so many of you remaining in pain. I can only say what helped me and it wasn't thinking I to every action or word that was said. I think I have about a week left then I will leave here, I think it's only going to be upsetting reading about people putting themselves through hell while I am able to enjoy life again. Take care of yourself blim I hope you can detach soon and end the pointless pain you feel. All the best.

We each in our own way move on when we are ready. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm doing the best I can one step at a time.

When we are in pain it is not because we are weak it's because we are allowing ourselves to open the doors of the lost parts of ourselves within. It takes courage.

[FoolishMan]

I suppose I'm just tired of reading on the "leaving board" people who are desperate to "stay".

I dont think it helps people who are desperate to detach. I was really really struggling. I don't deny that. I'm only saying what actually helped me. I was wishing I could get back, could help her, could make myself "better" but it's not about that. It's about escaping with the rest of my life left to live. Not in pain.

I hope my bluntness isn't taken as aggression. This site and it's members have helped me. Not helped me hold on to a fantasy but to detach and get back to a normal loving relationship. I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I do to want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

It's projection man. You are projecting how you feel about youself in that state when you were there.

My dad saw me in my miserable state and said to me, "I don't understand and I don't want to understand". What I took from that is he has closed off the part of himself that is vulnerable to avoid his pain and when he identifies that part of himself in others he lashes out to avoid his own pain.

I wouldn't say that applies to me. I'm honestly not in pain anymore and it hurts me to see and read so many of you remaining in pain. I can only say what helped me and it wasn't thinking I to every action or word that was said. I think I have about a week left then I will leave here, I think it's only going to be upsetting reading about people putting themselves through hell while I am able to enjoy life again. Take care of yourself blim I hope you can detach soon and end the pointless pain you feel. All the best.

We each in our own way move on when we are ready. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm doing the best I can one step at a time.

When we are in pain it is not because we are weak it's because we are allowing ourselves to open the doors of the lost parts of ourselves within. It takes courage.

It takes courage to move on and do the right thing by you. Be strong and know that you are a decent man and that she isn't a decent girl. You will get there however you chose to do it, if that is really what you want.

[Blimblam]

Thanks foolish man

I'm getting there

[freedom33]

I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I don't want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

Where did you read in my post FoolishMan that this is my situation? You do not know my story or have properly read my posts. I have been been strong and in NC for 2 months and feeling really good, I have not recycled for 13 times nor trained extensively in boxing to take out my bruised ego onto some poor replacement.

You are saying that you have escaped intact you don't need any therapy etc. Well here is a medal for you! Well done!

You say you have detached. Now what are you doing lurking in these forums since March? I have just signed up a month or so ago. Perhaps I am in a different stage in the process compared to you. I certainly hope if I have to hang around here as long as you have I 'd be able to give something back from my detachment and help others than telling everyone how to feel or what to do and contrasting it with how well I have done.  

Now I 'd kindly ask you to respect my thread and do not post here anymore. Your 'help' or advice to me is not welcomed. That comes with a sense of respect and responsibility that appears to be lacking in you.

I wish you good luck in your process.

[FoolishMan]

I don't want to share a partner with unknown people. I don't want to be lied to. To second guess every move and I guess I don't understand why people on the "leaving" board do either.

Where did you read in my post FoolishMan that this is my situation? You do not know my story or have properly read my posts. I have been been strong and in NC for 2 months, have not recycled for 13 times nor trained extensively in boxing to take out my bruised ego onto some poor replacement.

You are saying that you have escaped intact you don't need any therapy etc. Well here is a medal for you! Well done!

You say you have detached. Now what are you doing lurking in these forums since March? I have just signed up a month or so ago. Perhaps I am in a different stage in the process compared to you. I certainly hope if I have to hang around here as long as you have I 'd be able to give something back from my detachment and help others than telling everyone how to feel or what to do and contrasting it with how well I have done.  

Now I 'd kindly ask you to respect my thread and do not post here anymore. Your 'help' or advice to me is not welcomed. That comes with a sense of respect and responsibility that appears to be lacking in you.

I wish you good luck in your process.

I do to think there is any need to be insulting. I did try to help you. I've only in the last two months felt relief from the pain. I've made that clear in my posts. Good luck, I won't waste my time on you again.

[Mutt]

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