Have you been involved with more than on person who had a diagnosable mental illness or addcition?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Quick post. For those of you that have attracted and attached to partners like this more than once, twice and maybe more, do you find that the emotions are more intense after each partner? Basically, after all of the recycles with A, then I got with B with basically the same experience, and then I got with C, etc. I’m sorry to be so pragmatic here. I’m just curious if the inner pain gets worse and worse with each passing, crazy relationship. It has for me. Maybe this one is this intense because she and I have a child together. I’m sure of it. It would be great to hear from others that have had more than one disordered, or to be believed so, partner in their life.

[JNChell]

Quick post. For those of you that have attracted and attached to partners like this more than once, twice and maybe more, do you find that the emotions are more intense after each partner? Basically, after all of the recycles with A, then I got with B with basically the same experience, and then I got with C, etc. I’m sorry to be so pragmatic here. I’m just curious if the inner pain gets worse and worse with each passing, crazy relationship. It has for me. Maybe this one is this intense because she and I have a child together. I’m sure of it. It would be great to hear from others that have had more than one disordered, or to be believed so, partner in their life.

[Harley Quinn]

For myself I think that having been in disordered relationships previously, I was taken in by the fact that we seemed to click so well and ironically how perfect everything seemed at the outset (a far cry from how things became in time).  It was almost like a feeling of 'finally I have something good here'.  So after all the past experiences which had made me guarded, I actually opened myself up to the possibility that this could be 'it'.  Losing that fantasy was extremely painful, and yes in my experience far more painful than ending other r/s's in the past.  If you did not have a child together, how differently do you think you would feel?  Has becoming a family unit deepened the bond for you?

Love and light x

[JNChell]

I wish I could call us a family unit. That is pulling at me hard core. If we hadn’t had a child together I could just go NC. As it is, I have to keep contact. It’s not good. I’m finding it very hard to pull away. So yes. I wanted this family unit to work. It’s one of the most important things that has ever popped up in my life. I say popped up because our Son was unexpected. She also has a daughter from her previous marriage. I made a vow that there would be no more broken homes for those involved. My Son would know a connected family life. A home. That her Daughtrr would never experience another broken home. That my ex wouldn’t either. I’m realizing that no matter what I would’ve done, it was inevitable. I nearly destroyed myself trying.

[Mutt]

Hi JNChell,



You’re right that NC isn’t practical when you have kids with your ex. Sometimes I envied the members that could go NC because I think that would of been my first choice I never would of looked back.

You can have minimal contact or controlled contact. For example you can stay detached and not share personal things, not talk about the r/s you had and keep the conversation about the kids. How old are the kids?

I completely understand how heartbreaking it feels when you can’t keep the family unit together. I stayed the r/s to be close to the kids but their mom was calling me names and picking fights in front of them. She wanted to portray to them that she was being victimized. It was chaos, i couldn’t control her and i told her specifically to not fight in front of the kids.

I realized that being outside of the r/s I was able to parent better without her and the negativity and drama. I can give them a safe haven with routine that’s calm and they’re not walking on eggshells around her. Think of it this way half of the population is divorced, you’re not alone in this club. You might feel differently with more time behind you.

To answer your original question yes every girlfriend before my ex had BPD traits or what I would like to call BPD life they were nowhere near as difficult as my ex but there was push pull behaviour, FOG, blame shifting but to a much lesser degree. The women would gradually get worse for me until I hit the motherlode with my ex.

I’m seeing someone for the last few months I notice some things I’m not perfect by any means but I’ve been looking closely to see if there are BPD traits. I supposed that I push that’s because of my abandonment issues and she likes to pull because I think that her attachment style is an anxious attachment style. She’s not BPD she can keep it together with emotional intimacy.

[JNChell]

Hey Mutt! Our Son is 3 and her Daughter is 8. I should say that we weren’t married. I realize that my wording made it appear so. Sorry about that. I can totally relate and empathize with the name calling and yelling in front of the kids. Mostly when her Daughter was with her dad. She has said some awful things in a very scary manner in front of him. It’s made him cry before. I worry all the time what those kids are going through being alone with her. She could kind of keep it under wraps when I was there, but she would start to yell at them quite a bit, but I’d shut it down real fast. I’m failing miserably at the whole contact thing. Each time I try to get answers I’m left feeling worse. It’s my own fault. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I feel like I may have made a small step today, though. Without going into every detail, we were trying to arrange an exchange with my Son for this afternoon. She was crazy making and making difficult as usual. Anyway, there was an opportunity to call her out on her illogical approach, but I restrained myself and left it there. I cut it off. It felt pretty good. I’m sure that sounds silly, but yesterday I would’ve kept at her. Being able to parent him by myself is nice. I keep it calm. I try to make sure he’s getting proper validation, that he knows he’s a good boy and that he’s very loved. I just wish I had more time with him. That’ll be a main focus once I’m back on my feet. It’s nice to see that you’re seeing someone again. It must feel pretty good to have some romance back in your life. Is there a lot of fear in taking that step?

[Mutt]

Good for you for taking the high road and making your son feel special  

Was there a lot of fear taking that step? I was talking about this yesterday with a coworker he was talking about speed dating anyways I took my time I went on a couple of dates before I met my current girlfriend.

The first date was bad but it felt good to get out, the second date was OK we just didn't click. This is just my personal opinion I find that I can put in a lot of time with online dating and get nothing in return. I understand that if a woman opens and account she'll get bombarded with 500 messages.

Honestly I got disappointed for awhile so I put my head down and concentrated on the gym. I was lean before but I wanted to bulk up and I wanted to find someone with good values. If I found someone that was into exercise then we have something in common. I figured that if that person is taking care of their body ( and mind ) regardless of being mentally ill or not they're taking care of themselves and don't have time for substance abuse or drugs.

Anyways, my girlfriend is a teacher at a daycare my youngest S6 ( he was 5 at the time ) was in her room. She noticed me, she said that she likes guys that are in their 30's and 40's and have athletic builds. My point is I knew that if I concentrated on myself and getting in really good shape that it would attract someone and that's exactly what happened.

I had enough time behind me with the break up that I didn't bring that emotional baggage into this relationship. My break up showed me what is the most important in this life my relationships with loved ones. So I make sure that I don't take the relationship with my girlfriend for granted I make sure that I work on it.

[JNChell]

Sounds like it is working out well for you. If I choose to ever “get back out there”, it’s a ways off. The approach you took reminds of a saying I’ve heard pretty recently. “We attract what we project”. I think I read it on here actually. Good for you!

[once removed]

i have a history of dating people with traits, and relationships that all look like most that would be described here, yes. i doubt that any of them would be diagnosed, including my uBPDex, but a couple of them including her have been pretty dysfunctional and struggle a lot in their lives and relationships.

yes, the pain got more intense each time, and they all ended similarly. the uBPDex was of course the most painful, because we were together for just shy of three years, while the others lasted no more than three months.

i used to think i was just "bad at" breakups. it was a relief to learn about BPD, but it was an even greater relief that that led me to take a harder look at myself, the direction i was going and drawn to, the direction i wanted to go in, and that i could actually learn, grow, and change my direction.

i hope you have or will spend some time on the co-parenting board. navigating the post breakup when you have a child together, and a difficult parenting partner can be really tough going, but with good support and advice it can get better.

[MeandThee29]

Yeah... .

My pwBPD and I spent our 25th anniversary some months back, separated and living in different states. I thought that I had finally found the right guy. Prior to that, I dated a lot of losers and messed up guys. A friend once observed that I never liked the normal ones, and they didn't like me.

And here I am. I'm learning in therapy what a good relationship is. It isn't what I've chosen most of my life, that's for sure.