she is returning the things she stole? progress?

[toliveistofly]

So I recently broke NC because my BPDex had some problems with her dog. her only open line of communication was email and I told her to use it only for emergencies. After this recent incident, I decided to block her email and told her I was going to do it. She sent some very lovely emails (which I posted on this board) and in one of them she said she wished she could do something to heal the harm she caused.

I responded and said if you want to fix something then here is a list of things you can do. There were about 5 things on the list; top item being returning the engagement ring. Other items were large things she either stole or large gifts that I feel she didn't deserve. Surprisingly, her response was "ok." She said some of the items were back in her parents city, but I could come get the ones she had now.

I jumped on it; NC or not, I want that stuff back. And it wasn't that bad. She cried and tried to hug me. I stood there stiffly. I said hi to the dog. She asked me if there was anything else I needed to take. I told her she could keep the furniture she stole as it had already been replaced. I took my things and left. She promised to email when she had the ring and the remaining items.

Is she using this stuff to get a chance to talk to me? Maybe. Am I playing with fire? Definitely.

I was thinking about it and she seems like the person I met. So my guess is that she has returned to inward pain now that she is alone (binge eating, drinking, smoking) instead of the outward pain she pushed onto me. It is "progress" for her in that she is back to her normal. But I know that if she was in a relationship it would all quickly come bubbling back to the surface. And she admitted this during our brief conversation. So she has found peace in a sense; at least enough peace to be able to look back and see who she was and what she did during our relationship.

Anyway, this is just me storytelling I guess. Not necessarily looking for advice but always appreciate it when I get it.

Thanks.

[Somewhere]

Best part?

"Not necessarily looking for advice but always appreciate it when I get it."

LOL.

Hey overall, sounds like you are doing as good as you can.

[Want2know]

Is she using this stuff to get a chance to talk to me? Maybe. Am I playing with fire? Definitely.

Playing with fire.  Not if you manage the situation where you are controlling the contact, acting reasonably, and being mindful of her limitations - knowing that reuniting is going to get you back to the same place you were with her before you separated. 

It's only playing with fire if you are interacting with her as some kind of manipulation, revenge type motivation, or thought of reconciling based on some false hope.

I was thinking about it and she seems like the person I met. So my guess is that she has returned to inward pain now that she is alone (binge eating, drinking, smoking) instead of the outward pain she pushed onto me. It is "progress" for her in that she is back to her normal. But I know that if she was in a relationship it would all quickly come bubbling back to the surface. And she admitted this during our brief conversation. So she has found peace in a sense; at least enough peace to be able to look back and see who she was and what she did during our relationship.

The bold sentence tells me she has not progressed, but as you stated is processing her pain differently because she is currently in a different position. 

It sounds as if you have a pretty good understanding of her behavior and that it is not something you want to be that entangled with for your own mental health.  If you can maintain this balanced perspective and your emotions align with it, YOU are the one who has progressed. 

[benny2]

Be cautious mine used the things I left behind just to see me again. They will do that. They never want complete closure. Its tuff believe me. This is the hardest thing I have had to do, but I know its for the best.