It's done... finally over.

[Traye]

Three weeks ago, after 3 years of telling me I was the closest person to her, her big supporter, and the only one who understood her, my uBPDgf returned to her husband.  We were NC until yesterday--I texted first and then the landslide started.  I asked for an explanation, something to give me some understanding regarding what was going on; and all I received in return was a series of rants.  She was cold, defensive, and dismissive.  Everything was my fault--I'm the one who is "sick."  Blah, blah, blah.

A little background:  just a few days prior to her going back to her husband, she had met with the divorce attorney, her financial folks, and T to discuss telling her husband about finally wanting a divorce.  She had been working with her T for weeks to get to the point of telling him.  She said that all she wanted was to be free of him and to build a life with me... .  

The emails and texts finally peaked with an email from her to me, with him copied, stating that she had "chosen not to pursue our dreams together," that she wanted "absolutely no contact with me ever again," and that if I communicated with her in any way again, she would contact her attorney to obtain a restraining order against me.  I'm totally painted black.

I am hurt, angry, confused, but absolutely certain that I don't need or deserve to be treated like this any longer.  I've been recycled twice in 3 years... .  it's not going to happen again. 

Makes me wonder if there ever was ever anything "real" about it, or just all fantasies in her crazy mind.  I feel like I wasted so much time and effort demonstrating that she's a good person deserving of love and happiness... .  and for what?  Someone who will never get better; someone who treated me far worse (by magnitudes) than any other person has in my entire life; someone who flushed me down the toilet without a second thought; someone who feels no remorse whatsoever.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.   

[Rose Tiger]

It's hard to understand the complete turn around and threatening restraining orders.

This is a great article:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I know people with personality disorders project, split, paint black but how hard is it to have a civil conversation?  Obviously it is very difficult.  Three years a chunk of a time, are you doing ok?

[gina louise]

Traye

Sorry you are feeling this pain. it seems incomprehensible what they are capable of.

I wanted you to know you are not alone here. I had a 4 year r/s ,  2 years married and was cruelly ejected from the home we shared with the worst rages and verbal abuse I have ever witnessed from any person. that was mid Nov. just in time for the holiday season. "Devastating" does not describe it.

My HUSBAND also lived a lot in his fantasy world-in his head. He turned me into HIS abuser! Incredible, and totally backwards. I never raised my voice or a hand to him. I would cringe while he screamed over me-and finally I began setting a boundary for my safety and leaving the room or even the house. Still, according to him I ruined his life.

Now I am nearly 13 weeks past that fateful day. I am living proof life gets better, in the light.

It gets better-Not that it makes sense-but time has a way of helping you heal. Just stay No contact and try to grieve and move along as best you can. Post and read.

Cry and cuss.  Vent, Tell people what she did. Don't get too isolated, or down on yourself. You didn't make her do any of this. It's a real mental disorder.

You can't fix it, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

But you can help yourself.

GL

[Traye]

Thanks, Gina and Rose Tiger.  It's amazing to me--how I'm now the culprit.  I'm the one totally at fault.  I just received an email of a cease and desist letter from her attorney.  I'm in shock.  Her reality is amazingly distorted.  I don't get it.  Hurt doesn't begin to explain what I'm feeling.  I just want time to pass... .    I don't ever want to see her again, yet I know she'll be back.  A month, 6 months, maybe a year... .  but she'll be back.  I want nothing to do with her.  Nothing.  There is no going back.

[Consumed]

Traye. It hurts so BAD! Sorry for your pain. And pain it is. I am feeling it right now also. It was my life to be kind and comforting and considderate to her. It should not be humanly possible to be that mean and destrutive to someone that just wants happiness. Feeling like this is hard to comprehend to me. I replied to another post just a little bit ago (home again on Friday night) or something like that. I feel so lost and broken, I want to snap out of this. I know I can. I feel I won't trust a r/s again. Traye, we ARE going to go on. This just feels so bad. I want to start treating myself good and live again. I read this and I feel so pathetic, how could I let this all happen. I was out 3 times and went back. I don't miss the anger or blaming or lies. I miss the precious time that I spent on something that never was.   

[Rose Tiger]

She actually had the atty send something?  Wow, they feel so bad about the things they do and then they flip it onto you as the bad one.  They can't abide being the bad one, it has to be us.  It feels so demeaning to be treated like this.     We here all know there was no need for that letter.

Yes, keep that letter for when she does return, read it if you feel yourself wambling.  You do not deserve to be treated like this.  Can you spend some time with friends today?  Do you have family nearby?

[trevjim]

Same situation here bud, did so much for my ex through the 2.5 years, and now she has left me for an ex, I'm the 'mentally ill' one who never did anything for her, a terrible dad to her step son etc. Wad threatend with a restraining order for basicly trying to figure out what happend.

At first I took it personally but now I know its not and its probably projection of her own feelings onto me.

[wb1233]

Hey friend.

We all feel you. You invested your time, your love and hopes and it was a bad investement. It happens. Look at all of us here. The good thing is that now you can start investing in yourself. It's ok to feel hurt, comfort yourself. Have compassion for you. You were good before you met her. You'll be good after her. It will take time but you will heal. I promise. I was once married to uBPD for 12 years. It was very painful. But I did recover. When get clarity you'll be glad she went back to her ex.

Learn from this. Introspect. Know the signs so that you can see where better to invest yourself next time.

[Traye]

Still feeling shell shocked, almost disbelief.  Yep, received a letter from her attorney!  (She did the same thing last time we broke up--that should have been a sign to me then!). I'm spending the day hanging with a friend, not planning to do much.  Feeling physically beat-up--like I've been in a boxing match. 

I'm not worried about being recycled again.  She may try... .  but god help her when/if she contacts me again.  Nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially after all I did to help her with her daughter, her aging mother, and everything else in her life. It was always about HER.  Always.  She's so slippery... .  nothing is her fault.  The fact that she's feeling the victim now just amazes me. 

The toughest part for me to reconcile is the time wasted/lost.  I had a perfectly good life before her... .  no crazy crap, no drama. I know I can back there again. A part of me wants to believe that she's a mess--crawled-up in her bed, as she would often do, unable to function.  I hate being that way... .  I hated how I felt about myself so many times during the relationship.  That's when it started to unravel... .  last fall when I told her I was starting to hate how I felt about myself in regards to her, and when I started to verbalized my needs.  Wish I'd known then what I know now.

[Rose Tiger]

It was good that you figured this out, that you found out about the disorder and you found your way here.  All of us deserve a pat on the back for being great at BPD CSI.  Hopefully more get to the truth because people with this disorder can really do a number on a person's self esteem and sanity.  It's takes some rebuilding, some processing, sometimes there is a silver lining to having gone through such a traumatic relationship.  We can discover some mighty interesting things about ourselves and what makes us tick.