And now- ran into her... confused

[coffees86]

Long history - written in earlier posts short - 4 months out - tried nc - but she get's tonme everytime and i'm codepedent wanting to help her  - she lied about cheating - and has a new flirt for 2 months already now! Smearing campaign against me has started.

Vent vent! It would happen one day - but didn't rhink it would happen this quick in the new year! I ran into her on my way home - decided not to turn around... .  found it too harsh. Saw her - told her happy newyear - she laughed. We were talking a bit how we both were doing and I couldn't help myself but asking why I hear from others that she has the feeling I was stalking her! She said they probably understood her wrong. Stupid me! She asked me inside and we had a tough conversation with her running all over the place - telling me she felt alone - she never wanted to see me - and she didn't want to see me since she might be longing for me again and misses me... .  

My 'date' called and she insisted to know who it was... .  i told her that's private... .  

She said she was affraid to end up aloe and affraid for people to leave - so obvious. I told her i tried to be there for her - and that i care - but that it is hard for me to - and told her that i'm possibly a trigger for her now! She agreed and said we shouldn't see eachother anymore... .  though after that she said she was affraid for me to leave!

Feel so strange now - the more time i spend with here, the more red flags I see - she is often opening up - but I can't help her! On the other hand i miss her so much! I miss the stabler (which she was during our relationship) her - and I'm affraid that she can be stable with her new flirt as well (though she also told me she was affraid for her flirt to leave - since they decided it wasn't for the long run) affraid that maybe I got all her signals wrong and she is not BPD but just bad at communicating... .  shoot i'm still not detached enough!

Since she moved around the corner what should i do when i see her next time?

[OTH]

She said she was afraid to end up alone and afraid for people to leave - so obvious. I told her i tried to be there for her - and that i care - but that it is hard for me to - and told her that i'm possibly a trigger for her now! She agreed and said we shouldn't see each other anymore

I think this is a good plan. You both agree you are a trigger for her and that you shouldn't see each other anymore. Seems like a good place to end it. If you see her say hi and move on. Is there anything left to really discuss?

Lesson two: 10 beliefs that get you stuck

Karpman Drama Triangle

Relationship Recycling

[Justadude]

I see my ex every couple of days. We never speak. Recently she's tried to guilt her way in. I connect with what you are talking about because you feel guilty for failing her. What she really wants is for you to shower her with affection and love, but she is not in a place to return the favor.

[Jay08]

Shes smart. Shes trying to put you on the backburner my friend. Do not do it. There is no good here.

This is a test. She wants you to pour youre heart out to her so she can get an ego trip out of knowing you are her puppet. Do not let this fool you, a majority of us have been through it. I know talking to her and looking at her it seems so real but it is not.

It is a temptation that leads you to the beginning of heartache all again. If you need to talk to her at the beginning do it, but slowly ween yourself off.

I can tell you personally i was in your shoes. Your exact position. And i can tell you the shortened version of my story. It lead to her finding another guy secretively behind my back and cutting all contact with me. It is the worse feeling in the world. You have a chance to get out with your power left.

[coffees86]

Thanks! All your replies are really correct! And I know all this! I know I can't trust her - or at least don't trust her.

I constantly try to stick to NC but everytime she gets to me! I already ignore texts... .  but I can't help to occasionally bump into her... .  

Indeed I feel like failing her - like she wants me to be there- but on the other hand gets mad when i ask her something. She tells me she feels bad - but when I ask further she doesn't want to talk... .  

I still hope normal contact will be possible in the future - I'm not even hurt anymore by knowing she is flirting with someone else - i know she feels like crap, so flirting or not won't change her caracter and the flaws in it!

How can someone be so affraid to be alone? I genuinly sometimes like that... .  

[OTH]

I still hope normal contact will be possible in the future -

You have become a trigger for her disordered feelings. If you detach emotionally and refocus your life to your own best interests maybe some communication in the future would be healthy. Do you really think it can be healthy for either of you anytime in the near future?

[coffees86]

But then again - won't i still be a trigger! Last few weeks i've noticed her mind about me changes constantly! She even said to me in one conversation that one moment she thinks I'm the greatest person alive - the other the worst... .  How will I know that she is ever able to see through this? Is she the least?

I feel bad - i really do want to have a normal conversation - don't want to be her partner - but just a friend... .  

On the other hand she is too open about her sex life with new women and all - i can see past this - since this is also something which she constantly changes about! One week she tells me she has the best sex ever now - the other week she says her new flirt is good - but I'm better (triangulation (read definition)?) - i am able not to give into this at all

[Newton]

coffee... .  that conversation must have been hard, you have listened to details you don't really want or need to hear.  They are causing you more pain.  I would NOT want to hear about current partners ... .  full stop!...

It's obvious that she has very loose/fluid boundaries, and is pretty incapable of taking your feelings into account.  This is all about her... .  

She is now showing you who she is... .  truly who she is... .  and it's an emotional confusing mess.  That's why it is confusing you so much.  You can stand back, post here and feel bewildered by it... .  that confusion is her minute to minute experience of the world.

Yes it is terribly sad that some people are that broken.  No we don't have to participate in that chaos.

[coffees86]

Thanks Newton! Your comments are always so straight to the point - sometimes i feel in the woods and when some people here show me how ridiculous her behaviour sometimes is it shows me the way... .  

Like with all her comments i think she might still want me - she probably does - but only when other things (more exiting) don't work out!

I already know they won't - and she knows it inside as well i guess - Since last conversation she was crying that her new flirt might be leaving and that then again she would be alone again... .  though at the same time all is great!

I need to take all her comments with a big pinch of salt

And remind me of her text messages in which she states there is noone there... .  she will probably always feel like this - no matter how many flirts of how many attempts made by me to tell her otherwise! I know this - no onto the feeling that i don't want to tell her anymore as well!

[OTH]

We play a role in it. If you don't play your part the drama stops. This involves detachment. Taking a step back. Accepting the disorder. Learning how to talk to high conflict people. The hope we have that this isn't mental illness must die so we can "face the facts"

[coffees86]

Oth - iget what you mean! Detaching is the only thing! But i do think that without diagnosis detachment is harder cause you are often doubting whether or not things could change - and you were wrong... .  (at least this is how i feel) even though i know and seen a lot last weeks, when i walk past het house i still want to knock on the door and ask her for a casual coffee (i don't - but it's hard!)

[OTH]

It is hard to detach from somebody we care about. Breakups are never fun or easy. It makes it much worse when we can't have a reasonable talk about what went wrong and why. This shows us our partner has bigger issues than we thought. It doesn't make the emotional connection go away though. It is very hard. I agree. 

[Jay08]

Something that helped me with moving on was watching her destroy all her friendships.

I've kept NC but we "had" mutual friends who are now strictly just my friends.

Her one friend she had left from the group was going around with her finding a bunch of guys, and it hurt knowing this, the problem with having mutual friends is you still here about all of their actions.

But the positive? Last night i found out she ruined her friendship with the last friend she had that was a girl.

It just reinforces that they can not hold not only relationships, but friendships with people who are more important that any relationship can offer.

Watching her self destruct helps me move on, not because im happy that shes doing it, but because it shows me it wasnt me, it was her, and there was no hope anyways. Better now than later my dude.

[coffees86]

True we had mutual friends - but in an early stage they already didn't want to hang out with her since she was all over the place! She had 'new friends'now! This is indeed weird! I feel for her, not having real life binding friends like i do... .  i really hope one day she'll be happy... .  She'll find new friends and a new lover in minutes - no doubt about that! But it'll never fill her empty feelings! I tried for 2 years - and did do a lot of things wrong - but i loved her the best i could and it just wasn't good enough... .  

[OTH]

You can try to make up for someone else's shortcomings to the detriment of both. Are you sure it wasn't beyond good enough?  There has to be a line where trying to make up for someone else's shortcomings becomes damaging to our own best interests. If we sacrifice ourself for someone who doesn't wind up better don't we wind up with two broken spirits?

True we had mutual friends - but in an early stage they already didn't want to hang out with her since she was all over the place! She had 'new friends'now! This is indeed weird! I feel for her, not having real life binding friends like i do... .  i really hope one day she'll be happy... .  She'll find new friends and a new lover in minutes - no doubt about that! But it'll never fill her empty feelings! I tried for 2 years - and did do a lot of things wrong - but i loved her the best i could and it just wasn't good enough... .  

[coffees86]

Absolutely true! And indeed I really want to detach - but when I run into her on the streets now - she probably still can see she has effect on me... .  this will change - but I won't hide for it now... .  

[coffees86]

Venting! When will this stop? Had a very bad day yesterday! Was affraid to go to a meating for new years were I know she'd be to! Together with her 'companion' who believes I'm nothing but the bad guy!

Turns out all i told her ever or tell her when i see her is immediatly told to the companion! So one of my friens got mad at me for telling something - while i didn't! I can't really handle this mess for longer anymore! All i want is a normal conversation - ok tell me what i've done wrong - let me apologize - accept it! And respect me! Respect my life in stead of putting me down! My friends don't seem to understand it anymore and tell me the drama is more in my head... .  (so from now on I'll just stop telling them anything as well) I understand that they don't get it! I just want to be left alone and move on!

[Newton]

Hi coffee  ... .  whats happened?... .  why do your friends think all this is more to do with you?... .  

[coffees86]

Since they did went to the meeting and saw her there... .  she didn't talk to them and there was no drama. I didn't want to go because of the possible drama... .  

[Newton]

I think if it keeps you emotionally safe by avoiding her then thats the best option right now

If other people feel inconvenienced by that then thats their stuff to deal with... .  

It seems like you are looking after yourself... .  

[coffees86]

Thanks newton.

On one hand you are right. On the other I'm cancelling meetings for her - in order not to see her - which probably for both of us is best right now. But I'm degrading my support system as well by not meeting with them while they ask me to come there... .  They cannot understand, they haven't received all phone calls - all the rumors - all the text messages - the messing with my head. Cause it's my head, and I let her mess with it as well... .  therefor they cannot understand.

[Newton]

You are right... .  unless someone has experienced the emotional head bender of a BPD relationship they are not going to fully appreciate what you've been through... .  

You became her trigger by caring for her... .  she has become yours... .  friends are very unlikely to experience her worst behaviours.

It's important to stay focused on knowing YOUR truth about the situation... .  Good friends will understand that being around her is damaging your well being... .  

[coffees86]

You are fully right! And I really hope my good friends realize this! Though I think it's obvious I'm affraid for something different! Then it's easy to say they were never friends - I don't think this is fully true - if we already know how easy we can be manipulated by our exes - why wouldn't our friends be without knowing... .  

[coffees86]

Whaaaaaagh so annoyed! Just can't seem to avoid her! No driving into my street I ran into her and the new flirt!

So annoying! Knowing it will never change - she will never change... .  i just drove on... .  but feel so bad inside!