Another Song... He Seems to Have Entered a "Musical" Phase

[kl315]

I spoke with my dBPDbf today after this weeks silent treatment and once again he was apologetic and reiterated how scared he was by the latest development in his illness. It was kind of as I thought... .  he felt like he was doing all right with my chemo and that it made me sick. That the hair loss reminded him again that it was real and he freaked. We talked about my hair, joked about the kinds of wigs I should wear and all seems calm for now.

I sometimes try to understand what might have been going through his head when he has an episode by asking questions. I don't push too hard or pry to deep because I'm not his therapist and I don't want to be, but sometimes I get some insight into his BPD mind (and it makes me glad I don't have to live there). He's tried once or twice to describe what it feels like to not know who or what you are from a BPD perspective, but stops short because he doesn't feel capable of doing it and is afraid he'll scare me. Today was one of those times.

However, he then sent me a song and said, "You asked, so... .  this is kind of touches on what I used to feel like all the time before I was aware I was even feeling this way. Now I feel like this some of the time." It's haunting and sad, but I thought I'd post it:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY1V0Y7hscw

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[Cloudy Days]

I've been reading some of your posts and one thing I wanted to say is that when a Borderline is presented with a reminder that for some reason you could leave his life, whether you want to or not they become worse. When my husbands mom was going through Chemo he was absolutly terrible to her at times. I had never seen him get so mean and this was when she needed support the most. He would take her to her Chemo and something would set him off. He would also be super sweet to her too at times, more than usual. When they are presented with the idea of you leaving them I think they try very hard to push you away and then they regret it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this stuff. Hang in there! 

[patientandclear]

KL, thanks for sharing that with us.  I find it so helpful when we can have a glimpse of what it actually feels like to be in the head of someone with BPD.  I'm glad for him that he's on a path where he feels empty only part of the time.

The fact that your bf is diagnosed, accepts it, is in DBT, has been, and is with you who are really good at dealing with him ... .  and still dysregulates to the extent of responding to your simple message about hair loss with a week of silence and saying he can't be what you need ... .  is a sobering reminder to me that my undiagnosed BPDexbf who seemingly doesn't think there is anything wrong with his pattern in intimate relationships, does not have the tools to transcend his disorder and be my partner in any recognizable sense.  We are increasingly close as friends (or in an "unship" as Cardinals in Flight calls it) and at the good moments, it is easy to forget how very far away we are from being able to deal with BPD in a romantic partnership.