During the month post breakup, I had recurring dreams about my ex, each progressively less uncomfortable than the one before. So after going through all of the motions of grieving, doing my inner work (which will happily be for life
), and putting an end to the ruminations, I thought I would never have any dreams about my relationship with her again, at least not one that pertained to the reality of how my relationship with her actually was. But it happened again for the first time in months, so last night I was proven wrong about that.
It was a vivid dream about a 'hypothetical' situation that I found familiar to many of the episodes I had with her. In my dream, we were laying in bed at an apartment we shared 2 years ago, just looking at each other and smiling, one of the few happy moments I guess. I looked her in the eyes, smiling, and said "You know, you're the most beautiful thing to me." Her smile immediately turned to those glaring eyes that say "I've just been triggered and I hate you right now". She jumped out of bed and screamed "NOW WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? YOU DON'T REALLY THINK THAT! YOU KNOW I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT!" I'm thinking WHOAAAA! I just told her she was beautiful to me and she reacts like this?
So then I'm trying to reason with her, saying "Look, I just said you are beautiful to me, and you are! How can you react like this? Why are you so mad?" However, in my dream I am aware of BPD, which I wasn't during the relationship, but this was different. I know the entire time that reasoning with her would be about as effective as teaching a tree to walk. She screams back "IF YOU REALLY THOUGHT THAT, AND IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME, WE WOULD BE MARRIED! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" I'm about to explain to her that I do love her, but with the knowledge I now have about her, I realize it would be useless. So I just say under my breath "A normal person wouldn't react this way... . oh wait a minute, I forgot about that." Her face glows red and she's gritting her teeth, and I'm just standing there, still smiling, almost amused at myself for enduring so many episodes just like this one without even seeing it for what it was, completely irrational.
Then a funny thing happened. I was awakened by my own hysterical laughter. I don't know why I was laughing so hard, but I was only able to stop when my sore diaphragm forced me too. I'm not one to remember many dreams, but that one was just so vivid and felt so real! It was just like soo many other episodes I had with her before. All I could do was laugh to myself, and think "Really? I put up with THAT? And even bought into it half of the time!" What a wake up call this whole experience has been. Looking back, I think those episodes were just too familiar to me, not just with her, but with my family. With some time away from her, and time away from the dysfunction in my family, I'm starting to see just how crazy it all was. It has been a much welcomed change in my perspective.
So, today has been great. For so long I have felt emotionally numb, for so long that I thought it was almost normal to be that way, to feel almost nothing all the time. Things had been improving every day as I worked on myself, feeling more and more, but today feels like I've crossed some kind of huge barrier. It's like a switch has flipped and everything just feels so
clear, I don't really know how else to describe it. I feel happy, energetic, motivated, and just good about myself in general. I strongly believe this has come from taking the advice on these boards, and doing my inner work.
I can't stress that enough, there is a reason "focus on you! do your inner work!" is repeated like a mantra on these boards. PLEASE take that advice, you'll be so thankful for it later.
