Interesting stuff

[Shaktipat]

I should preface this with the fact that my husband has not been diagnosed with anything,  but I see a lot of behaviors described here on the boards that matches what he does and says. I have been lurking on another forum where people with BPD post,  reading their threads in an attempt to gain understanding,  and a couple of things there really caught my attention. In one persons post,  they were talking about how they had been told that to love others,  you must first love yourself. The person who posted found this idea really disturbing,  because to him,  it was a catch-22. His response was along the lines of I have to love other people because I can't love myself. 

I thought that loving yourself was a basic tenet of every religion and philosophy,  you know,  love thy neighbor as thyself,  and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The other thing was that someone else had made an observation that disordered people have a low or nonexistent tolerance for uncertainty.

It makes me wonder if my husband is always changing plans so that he can feel in control of everything,  even though plans have been discussed and agreed to. Does he not trust me to follow through?

Our marriage counselor once told us you cannot make your husband happy,  and told my husband you cannot make your wife happy. You have to make yourself happy. I totally get that,  just like you cannot control others,  only yourself. My husband looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language.

Just some observations.

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[Rockylove]

My bf has not been diagnosed with anything either, but displays too many "symptoms" of BPD to ignore. 

Anyway... .  in regard to your comment... .  If your husband looked perplexed at the thought that one should be happy with themselves, he probably WAS confused!  When one has such a negative self image, they can't possibly understand how that would even be a possibility.

[Shaktipat]

You're right,  Rocky, it's just such a foreign idea to me,  that someone would feel so badly about themselves. Even on my worst day,  I still think "well,  I am a kind and caring person,  and tomorrow will be better. " my husband doesn't look at it that way at all. It's always negative,  "today sacked,  tomorrow will suck,  and the next day will suck,  and so on. " I ignore it when he says that,  but it really irritates me,  I feel like he's trying to make me as miserable as he is,  instead of trying to improve his own mood. That's my challenge,  not getting sacked into it.

[united for now]

perception "is" reality

Our life experiences have a strong influence on how we view life. Meaning if all you've ever felt or believed was negative then you are more likely to see negative occurrences. The person never felt that making lemonade out of lemons was possible, so why try?

Learned helplessness and a sense of futility... .  

This is where understanding and acceptance come into play. Rather than trying to not get sucked into his negative views (struggling against) you can instead work with his views and validate how it is possible "for him" to feel that way. Validation is about accepting our differences as unique and valid alternatives to viewing life. No ones wrong. No ones right. We just see things differently 

There is an excellent video on validation by a leading expert on BPD in our workshop on validation. It is about an hour but well worth the time invested.

[Rockylove]

thank you for the reminder, United... .  I saw that there, but didn't have an hour at the time... .  but I will absolutely MAKE the time  

[Shaktipat]

Yes,  thank you United, I will check it out,  too!

[dawnjd]

Verbalizing the "you have to make yourself happy" and "You have to love yourself" was a very important breaking point for me in my relationship. My uBPDso actually told me, "You don't love me enough." and he also always tells me that "You will never be happy." Each of those moments lead to two things: 1) I told him that he is the only person that could ever love himself enough. His response was struck silence. But verbalizing that to him really 'freed' me from feeling like i needed to love him more. 2) him telling me those two things is more of a reflection of his own insecurity. He is afraid he can't love enough or will ever be happy.

[Shaktipat]

Hi Dawn,

My husband also tells me that I'm not happy,  and I have always been confused by that,  because I feel that I am generally a pretty happy person. I know that he is not happy. Projection,  I guess. I continue to believe that I'm pretty happy,  just sometimes frustrated with him!

[LetItBe]

Shaktipat, you sound like such a thoughtful and caring partner to take the time to read the other forum to gain perspective on your husband's illness.  That is a great idea!  I'll have to check it out sometime, too.

My BPDex and I recently had a couple of conversations after 6 1/2 months of NC (on my end -- there were a few attempts on his end).  He's been very committed to improving himself for years and is very diligent with therapy.  It sounds like he's made some important self-discoveries, and what you mentioned is one of them.  He said he has to be okay with himself!  I am encouraged for him.  He works so, so hard, and this sounds like a breakthrough for him.

Speaking of uncertainty and planning, during our 10 months together, my ex planned the most amazing activities, meals, and outings!  He planned so much.  I could see later in our relationship that it would throw him off balance a bit if I suggested a date that didn't fit into his preconceived schedule for the week.  He'd try to be flexible, but then he'd dysregulate -- and I'd take it personally. 

The need to be in control can also be a PTSD symptom as you might have already heard.  I have it, and it would manifest in our relationship as me feeling like I needed to know everything that was going on when he'd withdraw.  I didn't see my need to control back then.  That's just one thing that the NC period allowed me to see.

[Shaktipat]

Hi NonGF,

I am so happy for you both,  it sounds like you are on the path to recovery and success! That's really good to hear,  as it gives me hope for my relationship. I guess I'll keep working on it,  keep praying,  and perhaps someday I'll be as far along the path as you. Congratulations!

[LetItBe]

Aww, THANK YOU, Shaktipat!

I am not sure what this will look like moving forward, but it sure feels like a relief to me that each one of us has let go of blame.  We both recognize that we were both doing the best we could do with what we had to work with at the time.  I really admire his dedication and effort -- he's been in therapy for 8 years.  He said it took him a year to trust his T, and then it took him about another 5 years to see improvement.  That's commitment!

We haven't had a lot of contact since we reconnected.  I admit to being a bit disappointed, but I'm accepting it.  I know he'd respond if I contacted him, but I'm not going to chase him as I sense he needs to do the "stand alone" thing still and be "okay with himself."  I know he's doing a lot of work on himself, and I respect that.  I'd like to think we could meet each other's needs in a romantic relationship at some point, but I feel the need to keep my expectations in check.  At a minimum, we have a deep love and appreciation for each other, and that's a lot.  It feels so much better than the resentment and blame.