Difficult to detach

[Omniverse]

Hello all,

Ours is a 2.6 year old marriage - we dated for less than 6 months and then quickly tied the knot. There were so many red flags within the first few months of getting married, but I over-looked them all and tried to make this marriage work - even though I was blamed for pretty much everything.

Some of the major stuff that transpired in the first year:

- Lack of trust: We would often have crazy fights where she would suspect me of having an affair at work, or plain looking at other girls. None of this is true. In-order to appease her, there have been times where I look at the ground and walk in public, should a woman be approaching in-front of me. Deep down it felt like a power game for her, but I tried my best to put her at ease.

- Projection: She would immediately lose her temper and say stuff that would demean me (inclusive of absuive words, disrespect). And when I would call her out on this, she would play around and cite it was me who pushed her into saying all that, or worse she didnt say any of those stuff - rather I misunderstood. I reckon there is a word for it here 'gaslighting' - often I felt I was losing my mind.

- Blameshifting: Irrespective of the argument, the blame would somehow land on me. It was like talking with a lawyer (no offence to any out there), but you just couldnt win an argument with her or talk sense to her when she was 'in the moment'(or frenzy like I term it).

- Sense of entitlement: She had a very high sense of entitlement, and couldnt bear me looking favorably or giving attention to my family. Initially, I felt it was her being jealous - but this was something else.

- She has time again, compared me to her previous ex boyfriends and lamented on how good they were in showing emotions. Sadly and ironically, I tried to be the best I could with her, only to be shot down more. But I still picked myself up and tried to appease her.

- She would never apologise. She would always throw the divorce card liberally; and I would give in, cuz I believed in marriage. I guess it was her way of maintaing power.

Finally after 4 months of being married, I ask her to proceed with divorce and sent her back to her family. Thereafter, she continously threatened me of taking me to the cleaners, via her divorce lawyer - she never carried them out though. It was just pyschological pain she tried to inflict - I was pretty broken by then. In between she would switch and cite that she had met marriage counsellors and her pastor who advised her to make this marriage work. I listened to my heart once again, and got her back to make this work, to try harder.

Barely, 3 months ensued and it was crap all over again - like washing clothes - rinse and repeat. This time, there were sucidal threats from her and she swallowed pills one day. The doctor told me she had no intention to kill herself, but only swallowed a few to scare me - but irrespective, the intent was to seek attention or her way to control me. It felt like being caught in a very bad soap opera, I couldnt take it anymore - I felt I was being drawn into her madness and very soon I would end up being just like that. So had a frank chat with her and I decided its best we separate once and for all. She didnt take it too well, and the blame game commenced - more distortion and lies from her side, to project that she was the victim and I was the aggressor.

The divorce was eventually filed, and I went no-contact for a month. But then I started missing her, questioning myself if I was 'crazy' or maybe I should have been a lot more accomodating, etc. So I worked on getting her back, and we did come together - the divorce was put on hold.

Things were alright/steady/stable for a few months - but the arguments/fights always cropped up, with frightening regularity. One moment she was good, the very next she was upset about something or the other. I got to know later on, she lied to me about her past relationships, she was still in contact with some of her ex boyfriends (though I dont have concrete proof that she cheated on me physically). The lies carried on, and we've reached a point where this time around I have lost my trust in her.

To summarize, its so difficult trying to understand if my wife is indeed a good person or bad from within - its like when you put the key into the keyhole to open your front door, you dont know what frame of mind you will find your wife in. Its like living on egg shells, cuz anything can blow her off and ultimately I will get the blame. I've decided to stay my guns and separate once and for all (for the third time), but it is so hard - cuz my emotions are taking a toil on me.

How do you all try to focus and stay grounded when dealing with the need to separate and going forward with it?

Thanks,

Omniverse

[bpdspell]

How do you all try to focus and stay grounded when dealing with the need to separate and going forward with it?

Hey Ominverse,



Thanks for sharing your story. What you describe in your post was atypical of a BPD push/pull cycle. But you're in the right place and there's lot a lot of reading you can do to get yourself familiar this disorder and how it evolves. Here's some great links to get you started:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

The Five Stages of Non-BPD Recovery

Top 50 most often asked question

As for your question staying focus and grounded is all dependent upon the personal decisions you have made for yourself. Have you gone NC? Are you officially divorced?

Spell

[Mupetto]

Welcome Ominverse,

I was married for 3 years and 3 months. My story is very similar to your. I too found it very difficult to go out in public for fear of being accused of staring at other women. It got so bad that I would suggest we stay at home. It was a ridiculous way to live.

As for projection I would shake my head at the things she would accuse me of thinking, saying doing. She was so sure that I had thought processes that were the same as hers that she believed she was “psychic” and could read my mind. In the end it almost became true because I would think what she might be thinking that I am thinking about. The egg shells, thorn bushes, traps and snares surrounded me.

She made it so difficult for me to speak to my family (including my own kids) that it was easier to not do it.

And on reflection I was tolerant (stupid) enough to go along with all. I actually believed the marriage would work if she could just moderate the moods and temper. It never happened and the more I tried to ameliorate the more she raged on.

Welcome – you’re in the right place. There is much common ground on these forums.

[ambi]

I try not to think of him as good or bad.  He is disordered and lacks the capacity to love me the way I would like to be loved.  Detaching was not easy, because we did love each other.  But, it was not healthy for me to stay with him. 

[mitchell16]

Welcome Ominverse,

Your story sounds like mine and so many others on this board. I wasnt married to my BPD but the actions were very similar. Mine was not very jealous. BUt when the jealousy showed it was very intense, made no sense at all and it was over women or things that should have matter and it had no reason to suspect anything.

I had been subject to every kind of push/pull cycle thet you can imagine in 2 years. It got to were it happened aout every 6 or 8 weeks. She would say she could do a relationship and she needed out and taht she dint want to do it anymore. I would walk away and stop talking to her or responding to her and then anywhere from 3 days to 5 weeks later she would start it up again. I of course can blame myself for being allowed to be pulled back into each time. But she was so convincing. She would say that she had been going church, working with therapy, soul searching and that she relized that it was all her fault and she was seeing it all with clear eyes and I was the one she was supposed to be with. Only to do it again. My take on it is it never gets better. Its just ended again a few days ago. But who knows what she will try and pull this time. BUt in my heart as much as I love her and wished it could work I know it cant. all her promises are empty. I hope this board helps you as much as it has helped me. Im still not over the hump by any means but I do believe that I would ahve lost my sanity by now if I hadnt found these baords.