Tried to take back control by sending email

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex has been initiating contact with me about every two weeks in some form or another for months. As week two was coming to a close, I decided to do something other than just wait and worry about what he might do next. I headed it off and sent him an email. It was brief, pleasant, and chatty. He responded the next day in a similar manner, with one big twist. He included one statement that is a bold-faced lie. I know it is a lie. He knows that I know it is a lie. I wondered if he was trying to regain the control by attempting gas lighting. Or, he is doing his typical slight of hand, getting me to focus on something irrelevant while he takes action elsewhere. Whatever his reason, it seems I failed in my attempt to regain control.

[Blessed0329]

My ex has been initiating contact with me about every two weeks in some form or another for months. As week two was coming to a close, I decided to do something other than just wait and worry about what he might do next. I headed it off and sent him an email. It was brief, pleasant, and chatty. He responded the next day in a similar manner, with one big twist. He included one statement that is a bold-faced lie. I know it is a lie. He knows that I know it is a lie. I wondered if he was trying to regain the control by attempting gas lighting. Or, he is doing his typical slight of hand, getting me to focus on something irrelevant while he takes action elsewhere. Whatever his reason, it seems I failed in my attempt to regain control.

[just me.]

Whatever his reason, it seems I failed in my attempt to regain control.

Forgive me if this is a silly question... .  but what exactly were you attempting to regain control of?  Yourself?  Your emotions?  The situation with him?

[Blessed0329]

I was trying to regain control of the situation, I think. At least that was my intention.

[Curvy girl]

Hey blessed.

I agree with just me 500.

This person is now your ex. I assume you're trying no contact and they have somehow been breaking that boundary anyway?

I dont believe you can control anyone's behaviour unfortunately all you can do is try your best to set boundaries. If they don't work, block their number,block their emails and block their Facebook. even if they try to contact you you wont know.

I get the feeling from your post you tried to send a nice email to them? What were you trying to achieve?

Feel free to tell us more about your situation.

[just me.]

I was trying to regain control of the situation, I think. At least that was my intention.

I see.  That is certainly understandable.  I have done the same sort of thing numerous times in the transition preceding and following my divorce.

What I've eventually come to settle on, however, is that "control of the situation" is something I can now only maintain if I change the criteria to be independent of my ex's actions.  The moment that I begin to think "I think I'm in control now, but we'll see what she does next." then it is already lost... .   she is the one in control, and not me.  Whether it be from her action or her inaction, she was still controlling me - and that always proved to be a painful thing in the end.

I know it's easier said than done (as it has taken me many low points to reach this myself), but I would suggest looking at your search for control in terms of the actions you can take (which is where NC often comes in) - rather than the resultant response from your ex that you hope may come of them.

I also would like to echo Curvy girl's question:  I am curious if you could explain what you were trying to achieve with your nice email... ?  Were you hoping it would just set a "kind tone" between you two?  Make him remember that you're a nice person?  What was it exactly?

[Jay08]

Well they are drama queens so hes probably testing to see if you will call him out on it.

Id ignore his statement and let the hampster in his head spin to why you didnt say anything about it

[Rose Tiger]

Sounds like he is trying to keep you engaged.  Did you respond?

Hamster in his head!  Funny!

[Blessed0329]

Sorry, since my initial post I have had several things happen personally to keep me occupied. Yes, he has tried to maintain minimal contact with me over the past few months. I have thought at times it was to re-engage, but now I think it is more likely just to keep me on a string in a way. So at this time I am considering LC rather than the NC which has not worked, but I plan to discuss it further with my therapist tomorrow. As to why he told the lie, I have decided I don't care.

[Tausk]

The disorder always wins.  The only way not to lose is not to engage. 

There was nothing I could do that could ever manipulate my ex in a long-term constructive manner.  The disorder always found a way to twist things.  I was always using what seemed to be common sense in the Bizzarro BPD world, where absolutely nothing has a baseline.  A pwBPD has no real sense of self, and it's always in flux, so what ever I did, was converted in the disorder, which could be anywhere as well.


Engaging keeps me in the disorder and just keeps me sick and away from recovery.

The only way not to lose is not to engage.

[truly amazed]

Hi Blessed,

Sorry, since my initial post I have had several things happen personally to keep me occupied. Yes, he has tried to maintain minimal contact with me over the past few months. I have thought at times it was to re-engage, but now I think it is more likely just to keep me on a string in a way. So at this time I am considering LC rather than the NC which has not worked, but I plan to discuss it further with my therapist tomorrow. As to why he told the lie, I have decided I don't care.

Contact and no contact, its a two way dance. Like you I kept some contact and being honest was thinking she had made a mistake or whatever. When I came to accept it was not the case and this didn't take long I tried no contact. My ex however kept contact and time and time again I fell for it. her new boyfriend threatened her, her kids were in trouble, she was suicidal and on it went. Until I stopped it.

It never was about me the contact or her just checking if I was still there as her backup. Is this what your partner is doing ? Seeing if your the backup ? Or is it trying even worse as eventually happened to me ... .  you can still be my secret lover ! Yuk and double yuk ... .  

When I am most others recycle it takes two to do this. if one goes its over and refused to recycle ... .  it cant happen. I was there and allowed it in my own to happen many times. Until I didn't. As such it was over for ever.

The control is always in our hands. Our actions always dictate eventually where things go. For me early on I was so messed up I had PTSD, I was Stockholm syndrome in a large way, hanging out almost for the last fix.

Until I said no more. No contact is not about anyone other than you and creating space and time to think and heal and examine your actions in the relationship.

I too searched for answers via the ex, but as I learnt more about BPD and still had some limited interaction I came to accept the answers I sought would be totally different every time I asked the question of my ex. One day she would answer if it were about the color blue, one day it was yellow, another green, one day it was blue and the next it was white. Sadly if you don't understand yourself you cant possibly answer the correct way. not about the answer you want to hear but the answers were not fixed and changed every time.

Arguing or pointing out rational facts, again a waste of time. my ex would be on my doorstep at 1am screaming at me and accuse me of stalking her or following her or disturbing her when she was physically at my place and I had not been within 500 meters of her for weeks or called her.

That tact did not work.

learning the truth and full truth of her actions and past history ... .  again off others even her own mother I thought yippe ... .  closure and answers. all it was sadly were facts confirming BPD. Instead of helping it just hurt to learn you had been cheated upon for some time, learning her real past history again standing back just added to the pain. The person I thought I knew was a stranger.

Answers and closure come from us. so too many other things at least for me.

Hope some of this makes sense

take care     

[Blessed0329]

It never was about me the contact or her just checking if I was still there as her backup. Is this what your partner is doing ? Seeing if your the backup ? Or is it trying even worse as eventually happened to me ... .  you can still be my secret lover ! Yuk and double yuk ... .  

Truly Amazed, this may very well be about seein if I am available as the backup. But you are right, his responses change as the wind blows. When he was actively trying to seduce me, I felt like he was leading a dance, but I could never follow his steps because they were all over the place. It was like trying to follow a moth.

I feel stronger than I have in a very long time. Playing FB and email games are ok, as long as it stays in that realm.

[truly amazed]

I

Truly Amazed, this may very well be about seein if I am available as the backup. But you are right, his responses change as the wind blows. When he was actively trying to seduce me, I felt like he was leading a dance, but I could never follow his steps because they were all over the place. It was like trying to follow a moth.

I feel stronger than I have in a very long time. Playing FB and email games are ok, as long as it stays in that realm.

Hi

glad your feeling strong. For me the FB game was a tool my ex used against me then reeled me back in with another crisis in her life. Same too for e-mails. I just ended up blocking both and am much better for it.

In some ways at the start it was me wanting it ... .  but eventually I came to the understanding it was only when she needed or wanted something that it was back to contact me, even when I begged for no contact.

It was and is like an addiction for many and one part is accepting you have a problem and then taking action. At least for me it was 

Take care

[Blessed0329]

Very true words, at this point although he is maintaining the string of contact with me, it seems very much to hang on for when he will need me again for something. I learned a long time ago it is all about him.

I am also very aware this is an addiction for me, and he does things to try to push my buttons to keep me addicted. As long as we don't see each other or speak on the phone, I am ok. The emails and FB soothe my pain enough now. But God help me if he ever does call or show up at my work unannounced again.