No Contact Thread...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Can we keep an ongoing No Contact thread? Somewhere to keep up with and support? Number of days... .  and progress on healing or set-backs?

I'm at 33 Days.

I was feeling great... .  but today, when I realized it was over a month... .  suddenly began to feel very angry.

It seems whenever I feel like he just easily disposes of everything... all that anger comes back... .  and I'm wishing for contact just to give him a piece of my mind!

Anyone else?

[RedCandle]

Can we keep an ongoing No Contact thread? Somewhere to keep up with and support? Number of days... .  and progress on healing or set-backs?

I'm at 33 Days.

I was feeling great... .  but today, when I realized it was over a month... .  suddenly began to feel very angry.

It seems whenever I feel like he just easily disposes of everything... all that anger comes back... .  and I'm wishing for contact just to give him a piece of my mind!

Anyone else?

[GreenMango]

No contact can be a state of mind too.  Especially if we have other obligations that require some functional involvement... .  kids, business, chance etc.

Sometimes not having any communication with a person is temporary.  It's an opportunity to get the emotional bearings and stability again after being around someone who is chaotic.  It's the much needed emotional distance to allow healing.

The beauty of detachment is you can eventually, if by chance or for logistics, not be emotionally crippled by a person.  It takes quite a bit of processing and coming to terms with things to do this, unfortunately what happens if someone's emotional stability solely relies upon being "no contact" and they have some kind of attempt at interaction or interaction?

I'm not advocating going out and having a heart to heart or continuing any type of heavily invested emotional interaction, just wondering what the plan is after "no contact" with detaching and moving forward.

[afterdeath]

Can we keep an ongoing No Contact thread? Somewhere to keep up with and support? Number of days... .  and progress on healing or set-backs?

I'm at 33 Days.

I was feeling great... .  but today, when I realized it was over a month... .  suddenly began to feel very angry.

It seems whenever I feel like he just easily disposes of everything... all that anger comes back... .  and I'm wishing for contact just to give him a piece of my mind!

Anyone else?

Two months since I last terrorist texted her after revealing she'd cheated and lies about it. I have also stayed away from Facebook stalking. We were very minimal contact since August.

if you ever get the chance to unload on them, I would simply and highly recommend against it. It didn't make me feel better only worse. Show them you're stronger than that, they want you to look crazy and give them excuses to validate why they left or mistreated you.

I stayed strong at first. I wish I wouldn't have let her get to me and make me weak like that because I am better than that.

[gina louise]

I think I have 67 days but it's LC

We are divorcing so things like taxes <gulp> and car insurance do come up. My lawyer seems to think it will be fine to file taxes jointly and ask him nicely for my "half" of the returns. Hahahahahahaha she doesn't know BPD. Money is a huge trigger for him.

it's So hard when the pwBPD sees you as Evil Incarnate

and then misses you 2 days later.

GL

[waitaminute]

I have not communicated to her for about 90 days. But I have read stuff she has sent me. IS that NC?

[BlushAndBashful]

It's been 4.5 months since I last had contact, and 9 months before that. So in the last 13 months, I had the one "trip up" where we were at the same place, same time and I gave him holy h3ll.  Was it worth it? Meh. I'm glad I had the chance to see that nothing had changed. He was still "thinking about" getting some help, but not doing anything... .  just like he's been saying for the last 5 years. *Yawn*  And since I had all this new-found knowledge of BPD, I could see right through him and anticipate every lie, excuse, red herring, and changing of subject that he threw out.

NC isn't about actual communication with the ex. It's a frame of mind where you have literally nothing to do with them. Don't read their emails, don't check their Facebook, don't google their names, don't check dating sites, don't drive by their workplace, NOTHING.  Once I decided to stop "checking up" on him, my life improved by leaps and bounds.

[Iam_Grace]

Day 16 of no contact. No contact wasn't something I set out to do per se but neither of us have tried to contact each other since the night of the break up.  During our last conversation she conveyed the following: she is heartbroken and devastated because I can't give her what she needs, I am too independent, she thought I was the one, the relationship brought out the worst in her, I am wonderful, it will take her forever to get over this relationship, I have commitment issues, she deservers more. So rather than have the same argument for the 100th time and try to convey my "side" or defend myself or explain how I literally have no more to give because she is never stable for more than a couple of days, I looked into her beautiful sad furious loving eyes and said "you are right I cannot give you what you need". And those words set me free.

[RedCandle]

Mauser... .  thank you for those thoughts!

4.5 months? You are strong! That's what I was hoping to glean from this thread... .  where we all are and how we're doing... .  

You seem to be in a stable place... .  did it take 4 months to get there?

As much as I'd love to give him a piece of my mind... .  I'm not going to do that. I try to release that energy on the treadmill. I'm embarrassed to say sometimes that energy turns into tears streaming down my face... .  while jogging! Yikes... .  

I started No Contact to put, what I considered, some critical space between us after an extinction burst.

Over a month later... .  I continue it in an effort to "break the addiction"... .  my own cycle of codependency.

The longest we've gone is 46 days. Since I'm still shy of that... .  I think I still have a lot of anxiety that Contact may be coming.

I think when 46 days comes and goes... .  I will feel both relief... .  and disappointment... .  

Anyone else go through the same?

[Want2know]

Mine has been in jail for about a month with no contact for a few weeks before that.  Last conversation I had with him started off cordial and then turned a bit sour, however, I was aware of what was going on, and I controlled the contact.

I cannot say this enough times here... .  it's not about No Contact.  It's about gaining control of ourselves.  Contact would not be as 'threatening' if there is some feeling of control.

There is nothing a person with BPD can do to make you do anything.  That is a fact.  bpdfamily.com is what it's all about. 

[Wimowe]

I think when 46 days comes and goes... .  I will feel both relief... .  and disappointment... .  

Anyone else go through the same?

I'm at NCD29.  I both want to see/contact her and not to see/contact her.  I dread the possibility of seeing her.  I want her to see me.  I can't imagine contacting her.  I hope she will contact me.  I want to show her that I don't want her!    I want her to want me.  I want her to see that she gave up something of value.  I want her to ask me why she hasn't heard from me so I can tell her I can't be friends with her and why.

Even with all of these contradictory feelings, I can't envision anything healing or constructive resulting from contact with her right now.  Maybe someday.  Even the thought of contact is searingly painful.  So I am clear with myself that I want to maintain NC for now. That feels safest while I grieve and heal.  One day at a time.

 

[Wimowe]

I cannot say this enough times here... .  it's not about No Contact.  It's about gaining control of ourselves.

This is well taken.  Thank you!

[Robbz]

8 days NC , breakup occured in dec 12. T today said strict no contact. She said "this is serious" in a voice that scared me. She was not playing! Lol my T was freaked out by me describing my ex. Lol, if you don't laugh you would cry. Anyone else experience this?

[Want2know]

I cannot say this enough times here... .  it's not about No Contact.  It's about gaining control of ourselves.

This is well taken.  Thank you!

I recently re-read this article, in particular the article on the right hand side:

Leaving a Partner with BPD

Here is a piece from the article:

"No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .  but NC is not the goal... .  the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

I wanted to share this so that we can start looking beneath the concept of No Contact and work towards healing and true Detachment.  

[gina louise]

well, FWIW, the last contact we had via text he became furious over something he felt triggered by-and ran the whole gamut of BPD from Attack to Threats, to Accusation to Projection finishing with Blame.

it was typical of our face to face "circular arguments" only I was neutral, stayed chilly-didn't engage much, validated his feelings-no matter I saw them as irrational. He just kept firing off those angry texts. Whether I replied or not! He certainly didn't have the effect on me he intended. I didn't get upset, angry or hurt.

He finally ran out of steam and just stopped, not being fueled further by me.

a few hours later-he texts once more to finish his tirade with a Whimper rather than the Bang he wanted to.(complaining to me, of all people, how he felt like he had the flu was going home an hour early!)

he's divorcing me-why would I care? but here's the thing... .  not many people do!

He was bound and determined, compelled, to garner some reaction, even if only sympathy.

he's completely controlled by his feelings. Yanked around. it's really sad to view from a distance.

Me? I slept like a baby-where before I might have stayed awake fretting over him, how HE was doing, what he was doing. I didn't ruminate, obsess, or try to make his life any easier.

I made dinner, watched some TV... .  read a book, and had a good night.

I guess that's the whole point-to live our lives well and stay centered, regardless of what antics the PwBPD tries.

GL

[RedCandle]

"No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .  but NC is not the goal... .  the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

Day 34... .  this feeling of anger is getting overwhelming. I have maintained No Contact to disengage and get some healthy perspective. But as each day passes, I feel myself getting more and more frustrated.

I don't think that's No Contact (on my part)... .  because I"m devoting so much mental energy to him.

I heard a quote in Al Anon recently: "Keep your thoughts where your feet are."

I need to work on this!

[bulletDodged]

Day 66 of NC and slowly healing. It is a very difficult journey because my emotions still feel so battered even after 2 months. I keep asking myself if the pain will ever go away? I will myself into controlling my thoughts so that I don't spend the entire day wondering about how he is doing. I'm torn between wanting to see him writhe in as much pain as he caused me and feeling extreme pity for him. There are moments where I feel an incredible sense of peace and I am finding that as the time passes with NC, those moments are beginning to occur more frequently. Could this be a sign of true healing? I hope so. The road is long and we just need to keep holding on no matter how strong the pull is to make that call or send that text. One day at a time... .  

[must move on]

LC for months and now NC, it is hard when your boundaries are never respected by the person with BPD. My exbPD emails and turns up at my house insulting belittling and threatening me... .  after going NC. Stressful going for protection order if even one more episode happens.

[HarmKrakow]

"No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .  but NC is not the goal... .  the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

Day 34... .  this feeling of anger is getting overwhelming. I have maintained No Contact to disengage and get some healthy perspective. But as each day passes, I feel myself getting more and more frustrated.

I don't think that's No Contact (on my part)... .  because I"m devoting so much mental energy to him.

I heard a quote in Al Anon recently: "Keep your thoughts where your feet are."

I need to work on this!

Would it not help to forget the counting of the days? A little less mental thoughts and energy

[RedCandle]

Yes... .  perhaps it would help to not count... .  but in some (weird) way it helps me. Because when I get the frequent urge to break the silence... .  I remember how many days I've stood strong against caving... .  and I always decide that I don't want to "throw away" how far I've come... .  if that makes sense... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Yes... .  perhaps it would help to not count... .  but in some (weird) way it helps me. Because when I get the frequent urge to break the silence... .  I remember how many days I've stood strong against caving... .  and I always decide that I don't want to "throw away" how far I've come... .  if that makes sense... .  

It does 

But I fear in some way, that making a number of the days, is making it in total a negative impact. Maybe not in regards of resisting no contact, but he amount of energy it can eat from you. I mean, you are stronger than me. I'm still currently in a r/s with a gfBPD and I already struggle to stay 1 day with n/c because she keeps crossing my boundaries/mental abuse. And when she goes n/c as she often does, sometimes long, sometimes short, I go through severe pains in the urge that she comes back. So of course ... I feel like the weakling here and all I can say, go go RedCandle! :D 

[Clearmind]

I am now over 1.5 years out and like many here I went NC.

I think its great to count days - its also great to give yourselves personal milestones with those days - i.e instead of "Yay its Day 67" its "Yay, its Day 67 and I started a new hobby/met a new friend/started a new course/went to the beach/I posted on the Personal Inventory Board".

As the days role around so should our thinking/our role in the dysfunction!

[cookiecrumbled]

I last saw him on November 16, 2012.

Last communication by him - 12/29 (it was a simple response to a lame question from me - both via text)

Last communication by me - 1/6/13  I texted him a photo of me wearing my new Russell Wilson Seahawks jersey.  And a few hours later, I stumbled across this site.

So I guess I am NCD18.  My gosh, it feels like a lifetime.  I cried twice today.

Cookie

[Wimowe]

Just completed NCD30.  I feel a little guilty that I never told her I was ending our friendship and why.  However, as I start to recover myself (and my sanity) I'm starting to appreciate that I really wasn't able.