Adult children angry at their uBPD+dOCDm

[Forestaken]

I am in the middle of the divorce process now. I have a S22 away at the university and a D19 home at community college.  S22 has part time work but not enough to support himself and study at the same time. D19 is not working but commutes 90 minutes one-way.

I am paying my D at home living expenses (food, healthcare, etc). I pay my S22 off campus rent.  I am also paying my UBPDxw $1K/mo support.  She is trying to get as much from me as possible.  This is effecting the way I can help the children.

Over the years, we all have experience a significant amount of physical, emotional and verbal abuse by her.  Me especially.  I have full support of the kids.  And they hate her.  They hate their momster so much I find myself having to calm them down.  They want to know what is going on.  It fuels their anger, especially S22 who witnesses more than D19.  D19 is going to therapy, I've advised S22 to contact his university's health care services. He's talked to a psych prof but I feel he needs more.  Instead of focusing on my issue, I'm focusing on them while she feels none of the pressure of their issue.

[Rose Tiger]

It is hard to be the sole parent of two hurting soldiers.  Will the maintenance payment to ex end at some point?  You do need to carve out some self care in there or you will burn yourself out.  People with BPD tend to be so self absorbed, it's infuriating. 

[DreamGirl]

That's so tough Forestaken.

Those initial stages of the divorce and the money spent are the worst.

I know it doesnt' feel like it right now... .  but it does get better. Maybe not at first, but at some junction - it will be over and you'll all be in a place to move on. A little depleted, but wiser and free from the abuse you endured.

Money obviously is important to her, perhaps she thinks it will buy her happiness... .  

I'd rather be you. Drowning in debt perhaps (which sucks)... .  but also drowning in the love of your children and being loved back. Her ultimate "cost" is far greater then yours will ever be I think. 

You've done your job as a Dad. It sounds like your kids have success in life at their fingertips.

Sending you lots of love and light. 

[Forestaken]

Will support ever end? I doubt it.

Is money more important to her than the love of her children? She would say no, but actions say "I prefer Ben Franklin over you kids".  When my D19 told her momster that the xmas clothes she bought were fitting right. Momster returned the clothes kept the $$.

The kids are looking at college internships in the upcoming year to supplement the income and save for college. Skipping a semester to save and regroup.

My s2bx has a large inheritance I can't touch but the kids can request financial assistance for college. If she says no (I bet she will), they will get her to sign a statement because her assets impacts their financial aid for college.

It will also reveal her true self. 

I advised S22 university to see MH help.  We pay for it use it. D19 goes to the same group as I, different Ts but we agreed they can share notes.

[Rose Tiger]

You mean her inheritance has no play in the maintenance support?  Oh man, that is not fair.  I may need your advice, I have a teen and she'll be college bound in a few years.  No idea how I can swing that.    That is horrible that she is not using inheritance to help with school, guess she doesn't understand the concept of inheritance is to help your FAMILY.

[Forestaken]

What was really upsetting that she had the money throughout our marriage but refused to even entertain the idea of spending it on the family. "my father DIED for that money" was dramatically stated throughout the marriage, Of course he did that's the way life insurance works.

I hope it does play into the alimony factor. 

[Rose Tiger]

I hope the court makes her give you half. 

[DreamGirl]

"my father DIED for that money"

That's an interesting way to put it. 

It would be great to give you half- not likely - but maybe just a good way for the judge to see that she isn't desperate for money. Especially since she's not helping pay for the kids college.

At all.

[Forestaken]

I don't know if saying this to her L is smart but it will be accurate:

"What is the goal for you in this settlement conference? to what is best for your client or to do what is financially best for your client?  There is a difference, the relationship between her and her children is more than weak and fragile.  In their eyes, if their mother receives more than a fair amount, they will severe ties with her and she will have financially secure but alone."