Advice Please

[boatman]

Hi everyone-

My BPDgf has been struggling lately. She vacillates from sadness to anger to numbness. Her car has not been inspected for a few months because she's trying to save money for a new one rather than dump more money into the one she has. She sent me a text message this morning saying that she got a ticket for the expired inspection sticker on her way to work. I have yet to respond because she also posted this on facebook: "hate my life". I don't think this is a direct suicidal threat but it certainly is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Rather than directly asking for help, she uses facebook to garner sympathy while simultaneously publicly hurting me. I'm a major part of her life and if she hates her life, it certainly doesn't say much for me considering we have quite a few mutual friends on there.

What do I do? Am I overreacting? I want to be supportive to her but I don't want to enable her unhealthy coping skill. I also don't want to feel publicly "slammed" anymore. Any feedback and advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[CodependentHusband]

I understand how you feel. I used to feel that way if my wife put anything negative on FB as well. It wasn't until I started to really distance myself emotionally that things started to get better. Maybe you are a bit like me in that you do not prefer negativity.

You say that you do not want to enable her "unhealthy coping skill." That sounds good to me, and I don't think that you should either. If you ask me, let her deal with her ticket... .  Don't rescue her on this. At the same time too, let her feel bad about getting a ticket! She's entitled to feel any way that she wants, isn't she? My dBPDw once asked me, "Why can't you just let me be mad for a little while?" It was like a light bulb moment for me, because, she was right... .  I wanted to control her... .  now, I wanted to control her in a way that was positive (wanting her to be happy), but I nonetheless wanted to control her.

Another incident comes to mind for me as well... .  My wife broke the timer on our washing machine while she was raging one time. I would normally have volunteered to fix it, but, instead, I stepped back and let her clean up her own mess (in this case a $200 appliance repair bill that she scheduled and paid for).

Realizing that we cannot rescue them, allowing them to fail or succeed on their own, and allowing them to feel their own emotions, independent of us is hard to do if we are acting in codependent ways. Having seen both sides of the coin, I know now that stepping back a bit is the best thing to do. Does this mean not caring about their troubles? Of course not. If my wife confides in me in a healthy way, I tell her that I am sorry to hear about what happened, but I don't allow myself to own her problems anymore. If she asks me for help, I make a decision based on my comfort level. I don't help her if I suspect that I am feeling in the least bit resentful about it. I know that this balance is hard to achieve. I also know that radical acceptance and detaching with love are two things that help in situations like this as well. Hope this helps. Hang in there! It's going to be okay!

[boatman]

Hi CodependentHusband-

Thanks for the incredibly helpful response.

I understand how you feel. I used to feel that way if my wife put anything negative on FB as well. It wasn't until I started to really distance myself emotionally that things started to get better. Maybe you are a bit like me in that you do not prefer negativity.

I think the main reason this triggers me is that she employs a lot of push/pull behavior. I'm still trying to learn how to deal with my emotions surrounding this. To use a metaphor, I feel great when I offer her a piece of cake and she happily accepts, but it's nerve racking wondering when she will suddenly frown and spit it in my face. It's hard not knowing where I stand from moment to moment. Any ideas on how to deal with this?

I think I'm getting better on knowing when to step in to help her and when not, but it can be very hard sometimes.

I don't help her if I suspect that I am feeling in the least bit resentful about it. I know that this balance is hard to achieve. I also know that radical acceptance and detaching with love are two things that help in situations like this as well.

This is very helpful. I will try to be more mindful of any possible feelings of resentment when I'm trying to decide what to do in the future.

Thanks again,

Boatman

[CodependentHusband]

Yes... .  I know what you mean. It is stressful wondering when their moods will change so dramatically. What worked for in this regard is to stop worrying about how SHE feels, and start trying to be happy myself as much of the time as possible. Ther are times when I am disappointed that my wife isn;t in a good mood... .  maybe I had a rough day at work, and I come home to find that she is in a "push" cycle with me. Instead of fighting it, I go to the other room and entertain myself, making it clear that she is more than welcome to join me, but leaving it at that. This HAS to be done without resentment to work correctly, AND it does NOT change her behavior. It DOES change the way I see the world now, and that makes a huge difference. I still enjoy our time together when she is in a good mood, without any feelings of resentment from the last time that she pushed me away in such a mean-spirited way. Why did she do that? She is mentally ill. It wasn't about me. She's going to get in moods like that regardless of who is in her life. I accept my wife exactly the way she is now, but I had to first go through the grief stages of realizing our relationship isn't going to be the way I had envisioned it.

As for how much to give without feeling resentment: For me, I found that I needed to at first really pull back a good bit. It was necessary in order for me to get rid of some of the past resentment that I had built up from doing so much for her and not feeling she she appreciated it. After that, I gradually started to give more. So, I don't always run to the grocery store for her at 11pm at night. I just don't do it if I am not in the mood for that. There are times when I will... .  when I honestly don't mind. It's a balance you are going to have to find through trial and error. One quick tip: If you ask yourself, ":)o I mind doing this without so much as a 'thank you?'" If I cannot say yes without a doubt, I know that I am giving too much. It's a way of keeping myself from feeling resentful, and so far it has been very effective for me.

Hope this helps.

[LetItBe]

It wasn't until I started to really distance myself emotionally that things started to get better. Maybe you are a bit like me in that you do not prefer negativity.

let her feel bad about getting a ticket! She's entitled to feel any way that she wants, isn't she? My dBPDw once asked me, "Why can't you just let me be mad for a little while?" It was like a light bulb moment for me, because, she was right... .  I wanted to control her... .  now, I wanted to control her in a way that was positive (wanting her to be happy), but I nonetheless wanted to control her.

Realizing that we cannot rescue them, allowing them to fail or succeed on their own, and allowing them to feel their own emotions, independent of us is hard to do if we are acting in codependent ways. Having seen both sides of the coin, I know now that stepping back a bit is the best thing to do.

I also know that radical acceptance and detaching with love are two things that help in situations like this as well. Hope this helps. Hang in there! It's going to be okay!

Those are some words of hard-earned wisdom in both of your responses, CH.  I've had similar findings that you articulate SO well.  I'm just now learning to let go of the need to control -- and instead just allow -- my pwBPD's emotions to be what they are, and wow, what a difference!  Our RS is so much calmer, and I am overall just more relaxed. I can now see how much I was feeding the drama with my constant hypervigilance, i.e., "How's he feeling?,"  "Is everything okay?," "Why isn't he happy?," etc.  When challenges come up, I'm more confident I can loosen my grip and go off and do whatever I need to take care of myself while he learns how to manage his emotions (which he's truly working on).  Good luck, boatman.

[coworkerfriend]

Awesome words of wisdom. 

It wasn't until I started to really distance myself emotionally that things started to get better. Maybe you are a bit like me in that you do not prefer negativity.

let her feel bad about getting a ticket! She's entitled to feel any way that she wants, isn't she? My dBPDw once asked me, "Why can't you just let me be mad for a little while?" It was like a light bulb moment for me, because, she was right... .  I wanted to control her... .  now, I wanted to control her in a way that was positive (wanting her to be happy), but I nonetheless wanted to control her.

Realizing that we cannot rescue them, allowing them to fail or succeed on their own, and allowing them to feel their own emotions, independent of us is hard to do if we are acting in codependent ways. Having seen both sides of the coin, I know now that stepping back a bit is the best thing to do.

I also know that radical acceptance and detaching with love are two things that help in situations like this as well. Hope this helps. Hang in there! It's going to be okay!

Those are some words of hard-earned wisdom in both of your responses, CH.  I've had similar findings that you articulate SO well.  I'm just now learning to let go of the need to control -- and instead just allow -- my pwBPD's emotions to be what they are, and wow, what a difference!  Our RS is so much calmer, and I am overall just more relaxed. I can now see how much I was feeding the drama with my constant hypervigilance, i.e., "How's he feeling?,"  "Is everything okay?," "Why isn't he happy?," etc.  When challenges come up, I'm more confident I can loosen my grip and go off and do whatever I need to take care of myself while he learns how to manage his emotions (which he's truly working on).  Good luck, boatman.

I fed into the drama for years- I need to live these words.  Thank you so much for putting into words how I feel.