ExParte Bully - 4th ExParte Notice and then Dropped

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday was the 4th ExParte notice given to me since separation this summer.  2 of them were heard and one was denied.  Sorry to say the only one granted was the False DV which got the ball rolling and has put me on my heals ever since.  Question:  How do you stop these ExParte Notices.  It is pretty clear when I let custody slide a little and then when I notify them how I will enforce custody, such as yesterday I told them Dinner Pick-up 3:45 pm and I will have police standing by to keep the peace my attn. soon received raging phone calls from opposing counsel and written notice of an Exparte hearing saying I agreed to change the order via text messages... .  which was not true.

My legal assistant was calm during the calls yesterday and said we possess an Order for Dinner Tuesdays, where's your order stating otherwise.

Exparte notice 2 and 3 were hearings requesting the judge remove bench warrants for her account's failure to appear... .  twice.  Removal was denied.  Exparte 3 was based on text messages from D11 at 10:30 at night sent to uBPDw saying she was scared when I asked them to turn off the tv and go to bed at 10:30 at night... .  my other two kids followed the direction... .  btw - 10:30 pm at night would have never happened when I was living under one roof.  Kids always went to bed at 9:00, but now the inmates are running the assylum, I got notice on a Monday and it was dropped on Tuesday.

Any advice on how to stop the Exparte Bully or do I just consider this part of my life now?  Also uBPDw has unlimitted funds to pay for hearings and notices, I don't.

Separated 7 months, married 13 years, 3 kids - D9, D11, S13.

santhony

[santhony]

Yesterday was the 4th ExParte notice given to me since separation this summer.  2 of them were heard and one was denied.  Sorry to say the only one granted was the False DV which got the ball rolling and has put me on my heals ever since.  Question:  How do you stop these ExParte Notices.  It is pretty clear when I let custody slide a little and then when I notify them how I will enforce custody, such as yesterday I told them Dinner Pick-up 3:45 pm and I will have police standing by to keep the peace my attn. soon received raging phone calls from opposing counsel and written notice of an Exparte hearing saying I agreed to change the order via text messages... .  which was not true.

My legal assistant was calm during the calls yesterday and said we possess an Order for Dinner Tuesdays, where's your order stating otherwise.

Exparte notice 2 and 3 were hearings requesting the judge remove bench warrants for her account's failure to appear... .  twice.  Removal was denied.  Exparte 3 was based on text messages from D11 at 10:30 at night sent to uBPDw saying she was scared when I asked them to turn off the tv and go to bed at 10:30 at night... .  my other two kids followed the direction... .  btw - 10:30 pm at night would have never happened when I was living under one roof.  Kids always went to bed at 9:00, but now the inmates are running the assylum, I got notice on a Monday and it was dropped on Tuesday.

Any advice on how to stop the Exparte Bully or do I just consider this part of my life now?  Also uBPDw has unlimitted funds to pay for hearings and notices, I don't.

Separated 7 months, married 13 years, 3 kids - D9, D11, S13.

santhony

[Matt]

Have you asked your attorney if there is any way to stop them?

Could you file a motion, asking for legal fees to be awarded, and showing that all the ex parte motions - including the one related to DV - were unwarranted?

About the inmates running the asylum... .  

When the kids are with you, if 9:00 is the bedtime you think is right (and it seems reasonable to me - we don't have rigid bedtimes but S14 and D16 usually go to bed about 9:00 or I tell them to) what is stopping you from making that happen?

[tog]

She needs to go to one and "lose". My SO's stbxw has filed twice. The first time similar to yours, SS texted her to "get him out of here". In that case, she got "temporary exclusive custody" for a month, which just empowered her to file another and try again. That time, nothing changed, the whole settlement was reopened and she got nothing except more scrutiny and lots of legal fees.  I'm sure she will try again at some point.

Next time she does it, make sure your attorney requests legal fees and points out that it's legal abuse. Try to get it so she gets her hand slapped. Seems to take them a while to learn.

[santhony]

About the inmates running the asylum... .  

When the kids are with you, if 9:00 is the bedtime you think is right (and it seems reasonable to me - we don't have rigid bedtimes but S14 and D16 usually go to bed about 9:00 or I tell them to) what is stopping you from making that happen?

Great questions... .  when we were living under one roof, it was gradual, but I slowly had my parenting decisions underminded... .  I didn't see it at the time because of the chaos, so now being separated I don't have have the uBPDw undermining me, I have the Evaluator and the courts sending a message to me saying, you better not upset the kids because we are going to ask them who they want to live with.  It is totally contrary to what the courts say is appropriate and what professionals say is appropriate, however, a perfect example is when I first separated I told the evaluator that my D11 was really talking back and was very defiant and rude, so I told the evaluator I will take D11's phone away and she said, "Oh I wouldn't do that, especially with the position you are in".  

[Matt]

About the inmates running the asylum... .  

When the kids are with you, if 9:00 is the bedtime you think is right (and it seems reasonable to me - we don't have rigid bedtimes but S14 and D16 usually go to bed about 9:00 or I tell them to) what is stopping you from making that happen?

Great questions... .  when we were living under one roof, it was gradual, but I slowly had my parenting decisions underminded... .  I didn't see it at the time because of the chaos, so now being separated I don't have have the uBPDw undermining me, I have the Evaluator and the courts sending a message to me saying, you better not upset the kids because we are going to ask them who they want to live with.  It is totally contrary to what the courts say is appropriate and what professionals say is appropriate, however, a perfect example is when I first separated I told the evaluator that my D11 was really talking back and was very defiant and rude, so I told the evaluator I will take D11's phone away and she said, "Oh I wouldn't do that, especially with the position you are in".  

Do you have access to the Evaluator any time - can you call her and discuss stuff?  Tell her what you told us - "9:00 is the best bed time but if I impose that now, the kids won't like it at first.  Will that cause you to rule against me, or will you understand that I'm doing my job?"

Hard to say what she might answer, but I think that by asking her about it you might be able to regain some control over the situation.

[santhony]

Next time she does it, make sure your attorney requests legal fees and points out that it's legal abuse. Try to get it so she gets her hand slapped. Seems to take them a while to learn.

All good points, the unique situation here is that my uBPDw has never seen one bill, the legal fees are sent to an office where an Administrator pays the legal fees.  She also has never worked for any of the money she has, so there is no sense of pain in that regard.  It will take an enormous judgement to resonnate with her, in fact money does not cause any stress to her, but every hour of custody is like gold to her so it is really tough.  My last three hearings she wrote checks to me and my attn. for his fees and she still owes my attn. for more fees.  I really would like to clean this up and get a final number sent to her outlining the fees being requested.  

Also, I'd like to point out, that after a while when your attn. knows they can get money from the opposing client, I start to question the ethical relationship and motivation.  Simply put, follow the money and you will find the motivation, but maybe I have this wrong.

Thanks again for the feedback

santhony

[santhony]

About the inmates running the asylum... .  

When the kids are with you, if 9:00 is the bedtime you think is right (and it seems reasonable to me - we don't have rigid bedtimes but S14 and D16 usually go to bed about 9:00 or I tell them to) what is stopping you from making that happen?

Great questions... .  when we were living under one roof, it was gradual, but I slowly had my parenting decisions underminded... .  I didn't see it at the time because of the chaos, so now being separated I don't have have the uBPDw undermining me, I have the Evaluator and the courts sending a message to me saying, you better not upset the kids because we are going to ask them who they want to live with.  It is totally contrary to what the courts say is appropriate and what professionals say is appropriate, however, a perfect example is when I first separated I told the evaluator that my D11 was really talking back and was very defiant and rude, so I told the evaluator I will take D11's phone away and she said, "Oh I wouldn't do that, especially with the position you are in".  

Do you have access to the Evaluator any time - can you call her and discuss stuff?  Tell her what you told us - "9:00 is the best bed time but if I impose that now, the kids won't like it at first.  Will that cause you to rule against me, or will you understand that I'm doing my job?"

Great idea.  I have a whole new mentality regarding this next evaluation and I've considered recording our interviews with a hidden mic. - yes against the law... .  but great insurance.

[tog]

Do the children get to choose where they go at 11?

One of the things I really respect about my SO is that he never has stopped being a parent to his son despite his stbxw trying to paint every disciplinary action as "abusive". And his son still respects him as well. Your daughter will treat you worse and worse if you don't discipline her, then she won't even have one healthy parent.

That being said, however, your daughter is likely being alienated from you and that's why she's acting that way. So repairing your relationship is probably more complicated than just discipline.

[Matt]

Your daughter will treat you worse and worse if you don't discipline her, then she won't even have one healthy parent.

Yeah, I think this is a huge issue, and as hard as it will be to deal with it now, it will be harder to deal with the longer it takes root.

My kids definitely respect that I provide structure - they practically ask for it.  Even when they don't like my decisions or agree with them, it's clear they know that some structure is good and they appreciate that I provide it.  Even their mom sometimes gets me involved when things aren't going well between her and the kids - asks me to enforce things along with her or to advise about consequences.

These ages are when kids really need structure, and I hope the evaluator will know that.  Is she a psychologist or a lawyer?  Do you think you might meet with her to discuss this - just as you described it here, but with as little blame toward their mom as possible, and as much focus as possible on the kids' needs.

[tog]

Same with my SS.  He used to buy his mother's alienation that my SO was "mean" and "abusive" but now he gets that he's just disciplining him. At his mother's home he's treated as her equal-no limits, no boundaries, he's her partner- and at our home, he gets to be a child, which he seems to be appreciating more and more even if it does include bedtimes and chores and discipline.

Maybe the evaluator was saying not to discipline in that manner, and you absolutely do have to be very careful-no yelling or hitting or even raising your voice at her-but discipline of some kind is warranted.  But balance it with lots of fun times and loving times with you, because I still believe she is being alienated by her mother and spending all your time disciplining will help the alienation along, whereas loving fun times with Dad will help protect against it. VERY hard to do when your kid is acting like out in your home.