Healing

[real lady]

Even though I still "live" (in the same house) with my uBPDso, I can THANK this board and all the fine people who have found themselves with pwBPD in the Staying and Undecided boards... .  thank you.

I feel that I have "detached" emotionally after he has said that "he does not love me"... .  I know better but it does me NO GOOD to think that he just "doesn't understand himself enough". I HAVE TO hold him accountable for his actions and words toward me and realize that when I leave, I will have these to lean on for strength and confirmation that "it is OVER" and I did ALL that I could to help our relationship and make my life (and his) as pleasant as possible.

I don't know HOW LONG I am going to be stay with him but I am working diligently in getting assistance to help me find a job, get a car and when these things start, he is sure to sabotage me at every turn when abandonment issues flare. I will remind him that I am just keeping my word (of leaving) and that has been what he has wanted for a year and there will be NO discussion on it. I will just "go about my business" while taking care of the house, car, meals, laundry, etc... .  My son and I have food and housing and I have NO RELATIONSHIP with him. He spent more time with a kid from Australia last night; online, than he has dedicated to JUST TALKING with me over the past 6 months. (He spent 3 hours talking; it work me up.)

I am healing. I feel more confident that I did NOT MAKE A MISTAKE in coming back to him but that I learned that HE HAD NOT CHANGED and what I though that he might have "grown out of" , he has proven himself to be severely MENTALLY UNHEALTHY. I deserve SO much better.

Important parts of my healing from this relationship are:

Personal counseling; been in it since August... .  it is helping to have a SANE and RATIONAL person to talk to about this... .  I can speak to no one else who understands or would seem to TRY to understand the depth of what I am facing.

Restoring Hobbies:

singing (I have joined a choir and been singing more in hopes of performing regularly)  jewelry making,

collage/mixed media art journaling (kind of new for me) and

listening DAILY to classical music in the kitchen when I am cleaning, cooking, etc... .  

Taking good care of myself physically:

eating right

joining an exercise gym with my son

listening to my body and providing what it needs.

Overall, BEING HERE AT bpdfamily.com has been an integral part of my healing... .  thank you for being here... .  Please share any ideas and things that have been helping you heal from your relationship with a pwBPD... .  

Wishing you well and PEACE.  

[real lady]

Oh, I had a dream... .  

I was "applying for a position", I think for culinary school and they were very curious about my pwBPD... .  I could see him sitting over there... .  in the same room, reading a comic book, he looked like he did (hot) years ago and I even thought to myself (even in my dream, he is NOT interested in our relationship to be sitting WITH me without  his "game"... .  ) that he is "there and NOT emotionally with me" and I didn't feel like he was being supportive but as a pwBPD, I am sure that he thought that he was supporting me by JUST BEING THERE... .  just like he is in HIS home where my son and I live. He is JUST THERE... .  no relationship.

But in my dream, I felt that "his support" was hindering me from pursuing my dream. At one time, being with him was my dream and shortly after we reunited it was my (and his, he said) dream for me to "blossom"... .  well, it is nearly two years... .  both parents died and I turned 50. I was BEATEN DOWN a bit and am JUST beginning to "get my life back" and realize HOW MUCH of a liability he is to me. Emotionally, he is "not there" and even sucks life out of me if I engage with him.

It is sad that in my dreams, he is JUST AS HE REALLY IS... .  but then again, maybe my dreams are telling me that my perspective and understanding of what I am "living with" (pwBPD) is just the way that it IS and is GOING TO BE... .  radical acceptance. It helps alot. Healing... .  it is starting to feel good.

[Validation78]

Hi Lady!

Best of luck to you in your healing journey. It's amazing how when we formulate a plan, and make decisions to move forward, we start to feel better so quickly!

Keep working on your tools and lessons, they sure help me, and I plan to use them throughout the course of my life. Even when BPD is a distant memory!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Rose Tiger]

Oh gosh, in real life, not a dream, a few years back I told ex that I wished he'd spend time with me.  He said, hey, all I need to do is come home after work.  In other words, he was physically there so good enough.

BLECH.

You have a good plan and everything is falling into place.  You are focusing on your self care, very important to rebuilding your life. 

[real lady]

He said, hey, all I need to do is come home after work.  In other words, he was physically there so good enough.

Thanks Val and Rose Tiger... .  realizing that he is NOT there emotionally and really "thinks" that "just being in my presence" isn't even a good excuse for my uBPDso... .  he knows that I returned to him BECAUSE we were "so close", because we felt like soulmates, because we seemed to "be meant for each other" and we had known for years that we loved one another... .  we really seemed to ALWAYS have an emotional connection... .  up until he "needed" to buy a new computer, buy a new game, start playing A LOT and then he built another computer, bought a head set, has been seriously "playing" up to 16 hours a day for 2 months now.

I don't make any statement that I "want to be with him" anymore and the more that time passes, the happier I am when I am NOT in his presence... .  

yesterday, it was  about 5 hours (been trying to keep cutting this time DOWN... .  5 hrs was nice) before I went upstairs and found a Nicolas Cage movie to watch on TV (our big screen downstairs is "broken"... .  a repairman from the store must come to replace a misfunctioning part... .  not having the TV blaming 24/7 has been fine with me.  He bought it and had a MAJOR dysregulation over my "lack of joy" (nonverbal cues only; I tried NOT to make ANY comment of any kind but you know that they WATCH us to FIND something to project onto) over buying it when he had not bought me a christmas gift)... .  

Overall, he does NOTHING for me but provide "room, board and transportation" and therefore has BECOME 'just a physical presence' in my life... .  it has been his choice of what he has become to me.

It is my choice of how much longer that I will live with the painful realization and daily disappointment of loving a severely mentally ILL man for most of my life.

I feel better everyday though I am "still with him"... .  he has LESS and LESS of me and I have MORE of myself, my life and my son and that brings me much joy. 

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, I felt the same way.  He was like a roommate.  No emotional connection.  It's pointless to try and improve that so reaching out for support is the way to go.  I would bike ride with my daughter and spend time with her, doing puzzles, playing jenga.  Now that it is the two of us, I have to be careful to not make her a friend and firmly stay in the parent role.  I mean I'm friendly but I don't unload my worries on her, she unloads her worries on me and that's how it should be.  I unload my worries on my therapist.  I have some coworkers that I'm developing friendships.  That's enough for now.