Car accident, I am so angry

[Aundrea]

I was working 100km away from home today. I got a call from my mother that my 71yr old grandfather was in a car accident, only minutes from my house. My mother had told me she called my dBPDso and asked him to go and check if he was ok.

My dBPDso, has painted my grandfather black, he hates him and 99% of the time refuses to be in the same room as him.

I go and visit mu grandfather myself and respect his decision to mot see him. normally this workd out well. unless he decides to have a go at me about ke seeing him... .  So my SO decided to DRIVE PAST to check if my grandfather was ok. Didn't stop, as he didn't want to 'talk to him' ... .  

If this is not bad enough, he had our DD10 in the car with him, who witnessed this behaviour.

I am so angry, I can't believe he 1) didn't stop. 2) had my 10 yr old daughter in the car to witness this disgusting and disturbing behaviour. I am so hurt.

When I called to ask him to go back, he refused to pull the car over to talk on the phone to me and used my DD10 as a go between.

When I called back once he was home, and we did talk... .  He was on the defence told me 'my grandfather was fine' and started to abuse me!

I quickly cut it and changed the subject.

I want to broach the subject but I know it will just end very badly. But this behaviour in my books is NOT ON! Especially with our daughter in the car!

Also how to I talk about this with my 10 yr old. So she understands that the behaviour was bad and it's not how we react in a situation like this... .  

I swear I am so angry I could walk out the door and not look back

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Aundrea]

Do I think it's worth trying to talk to my SO about?

[Somewhere]

I have our 10 y.o. daughter in Ala-Teen (some groups run "pre-teen" 9-12 years old).

Daughter is doing Ala-teen every other week on Sunday evening, alternating with Girl Scout meetings.   gggggeeeeeezzzzzz.  THAT is so sick I just had to go in the other room and cry.  Poor baby girl.  But she is handling it well. 

BPMomma had been "trapping" her in the car and doing the "Your Dad (me) Sucks" routine on her.  THAT has stopped -- at least for now, and Ala-Teen is giving her the coping skills to deal with all this.  Good Stuff.  She loves Ala-Teen, she has a good group.  PM me if you need help finding something like this for your kiddo.

Had a total household explosion first time I took her our daughter to Ala-teen.  Momma went berserk and was screaming at me until near midnight, that I was then "Verbally Abusing" her by being asleep when she was screaming at me.  All so crazy.

As far as . . .

Do I think it's worth trying to talk to my SO about?

mho, No.  I would/did just route around and get the kid help.

I really did try to talk about it to start.  Momma would not take our daughter to Ala-Teen and was looking for most any way to block it. 

The Kids are #1, and taking care of priorities requires ACTION -- not TALK.

[Aundrea]

What type of theraphy does alla-teen do? I do not know if we would even be accepted into the program since my partner quit drinking nearly a year ago.

However I do need theraphy for her (and her brother). Finding a childhood psychologist who specialises in BPD is proving to be impossible. I am in Australia.

I have not addressed it with him, however have discussed it with my daughter. Because she has seen this type of behaviour from him her whole life, she wasn't upset over it ... .  

[Rockylove]

Al-Ateen does not provide "therapy" so to speak.  It is a guided group of youngsters dealing with the outfall from alcoholism.  It doesn't matter that your partner quit drinking.  There are residual effects from alcoholism that kids need to deal with and it is a wonderful place for them to have their voice heard and find some sense in the nonsensical world of dysfunctional relationships.  Al-Anon is similar but it is for adults dealing with the pain of the alcoholic relationship. 

To understand a bit more, google Al-Anon and Al-Ateen.  They have wonderful resources and groups all over the world. 

You said that your daughter has "seen this type of behavior from him her whole life, she wasn't upset over it... .  "  She may APPEAR not to have been upset, but I guarantee she felt something in regard to it and it wasn't anything good.  I would try to get her to tell you how she felt about it, but she may not want to discuss it with you.  That's where Al-Ateen is helpful... .  it's kids in the same boat as yours and they tend to be more likely to talk to their peers. 

I hope all goes well in finding a group or some kind of therapy for your kids... .  they deserve it.

[waverider]

What type of theraphy does alla-teen do? I do not know if we would even be accepted into the program since my partner quit drinking nearly a year ago.

However I do need theraphy for her (and her brother). Finding a childhood psychologist who specialises in BPD is proving to be impossible. I am in Australia.

I have not addressed it with him, however have discussed it with my daughter. Because she has seen this type of behaviour from him her whole life, she wasn't upset over it ... .  

I'm in Aus too. I used to go to Al-anon (Alateen is just the kids version), it is a good place to start so you dont feel so alone. Doesn't matter if family member is currently drinking or not. Even in Alanon there are folks there who's living with alcohol ended 30 years ago. Need not be current, a lot of living with alcoholics/addicts coping is much the same as living with PDs, its all about coping with the effects of a dysfunctional family member, and knowing you are not alone.

[waverider]

A good book for kids

An Umbrella for Alex - Rachel Rashkin, MS

[Foreverhopefull]

Of course, I would be fuming at this... .  and it could possibly be a breaking point for me, but here is MHO... .  

I would say to SO is that you wished he could have put aside his feelings for grand-pa for a few seconds to make sure he was really OK and not just "look" OK... .  FOR ME. Even if it was just to talk to the emergency response team. He could of asked for which hospital they were taking him so a family member could meet them there. He could have done this for ME, so I wouldn't be as worried.

It sounds thought that it's not an open subject to discussion, so it might be best to let it go.