Never going away

[lost007]

She's never going away is she. I've not contacted my stbexw in over a month since I moved out. She continues to contact me. I've struggled with the loss of her. Need to move on. I do respond when she text. I'm having some family issues-dad with cancer-soon to die. I am not really wanting to share too much with her. Because even though she tries to convince me she cares, she still rages on me via text several times per week. She is desparate to have me back-18 month marriage. She is about to lose a really nice lifestyle. She will have to return to work. Daunting for her I know. I tried to fix it. She just got worse. Knows what she has done when she is weak and reflective. When she gets triggered-all my fault. Defiant. Narcissistic. I had some bad news last night. Didn't want to talk at that time. Told her so. Didn't provide details. Just that I wanted left alone. She mini raged. Then figured out perhaps had to do with my dad and knew she probably shouldn't have been nasty. Then wanted to be nice. To be there for me. Her selfishness was too much. Just wanted left alone. She is in my house for now til divorce done. She came to my apartment 3 times last night. Banging on window. Doorbell. Called 20 times. Text probably 30 or more times. All my fault because I didn't tell her why I didn't want to talk. Mixed with remorse for being selfish.  That's why I say. She's not going away is she. She won't stop She is relentless. Shw knows i've not reached out. She knows I am done. Because she isn't done she can't let go. She's never going away. She wiil not stop. Not til someone is hurt.  Or something bad happens. I fear will only get worse as divorce day approaches.

[freshlySane]

Very hard thing to asses your going to have to learn to tune her out and 

please find a safe haven as in a since a place where she can not do any damage to you if she decides to do something irrational to hurt you. read on the legal thread and if all else fails restraining order. Im sorry your going thru this Ill pray for you

[lost007]

Thank you. I thought I had a safe place. Left her in home until she could get things worked out for herself. She is in desparation mode to win me back the closer the day comes. I have weakness at times too. However, if im told to leave a person alone, I would do just that. She had told me she would never stalk me. Would not show up at my apartment unannounced. She has. I would hope she wouldn' be violent. I don't think she will. Problem is so far there has not been a boundry she is not willing to violate. I also know that by communicating it may give her hope. I too mourn the loss of her. I am angry that I felt it necessary to leave. I am angry that I am deprived of her company and have to deal with my dad on my own-without her. But in reality that is the case. I just have a hard time knowing how she could make a situation where I am dealing with a dad who will die within the next couple months-about her. She says she is hurt that I don't want her there for me. Truth is that she wants me there for her. To tend to her needs-physically and emotionally. It takes so much work to placate her that I can't deal with my own needs. She's just not going to stop. I'm afraid to go 100% no contact as we live too close in proximity. She will find a way to contact me. And when she does it won't be pretty. Even though she is playing nice now. When I end contact any facade of civility will be gone. True armageddon will ensue. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I just don't get how saying I need some time isn't enough. But I know it's BPD. Still hard to reconcile.

[freshlySane]

I am sorry you have to go through this i went through a similar situation not as serious as yours but equally in my life. You and your father are top priority right now keep telling yourself she can not, will not, and has no capacity to be there for you if she could she would've left you alone to deal with your issues or made a honest attempt to help be there for you. Its hard trust me i know ive been beaten down by my pwBPDex when i hit my low in life and i needed her by my side. But i beleive we are made to withstand any hardship especially ones when are personally giving in our own lives.

take it one day at a time and try to do things for you and your father as well as stuff for you to feel whole and sane. expect the unexpected with her and be prepared to protect whats important to you.

please  use these actions as memories to keep you grounded and for you to learn that she will not change unless she takes that upon herself

God Bless you in this time and I know you will make it through