Loving Mom. But it can be so hard.

[Caria]

Hi,

So... .  I just typed a big response to somebody's post about their husband and I ended out typing a lot about my experience in it, so I figured I'd copy and paste most of my response here.

I am the daughter of an undiagnosed, but clearly suffering from BPD, Mother.

I am the youngest of four children. Currently we're age 21 (me) to 27. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother reacting, throwing things, screaming, yelling, breaking things, and all around being over the top (in my child head it seemed over the top, I knew it wasn't normal). It, of course, caused major stress in my parent's marriage which eventually ended four years ago (but they are still going through all the official stuff).

I'll admit, it was rough and I did not really speak to my dad for six months after he left (he didn't go far and made himself fully available to me). I realize now, that I was afraid to show affection to both my parents lest my mom had a meltdown (which she was always having, especially after that, anyway). Forgetting BPD for one second and just focusing on the pain of parents separating, I had to shut out my dad because he could take it, my mother could not. All I knew is that if I didn't support her during her "abandonment" she might abandon me, in an extreme way (which she had threatened and I've had to take pills away from her).

My dad, during those six months, was constantly trying to get me to read about BPD... .  This thing he discovered and thought I should know about. Since then he has constantly pointed out her actions that have been consistent with it so I never felt the need to read about it. But I am so happy I finally did a few days ago because I discovered there are a LOT of daughters out there with BPD Mothers who are articulating things I thought I was CRAZY for feeling.

Anyway, from the perspective of a kid who grew up with this... .  Divorce always seemed to be looming. How could it not? Kids are aware of how unstable things are. And all I can say is... .  Because of the separation... .  I am coming out on the other side. I now consider my Dad the best guy I know, one of my best friends, and the number one person I'd go to for an emergency/non-emergency/wisdom/advice/honesty/love... .  It took time but we got there. And really, we always were but it was overshadowed by the fighting of my parents and all of the families unhappiness (which was, of course, not completely on my mom). It's hard to admit this now, but I kind of think I'd be even healthier if it happened sooner. I was dealing with SO much (partially as a result of my mom, partially not) but I couldn't seek the help of my parents because I didn't want to add to their troubles. How can you tell your parents about your eating disorder when your sister is currently living as a homeless person because of her bi-polar and your Mother is constantly shifting and changing and angry? (Which, by the way, my Mom had suspicions about my ED because my sister more or less told her but I always denied it. Then she broke into my computer and read something I wrote that was basically a confession. The next day [I was aware that she had broken into my computer but I chose not to confront it yet] we ended out arguing on the way to school because I was in a bad mood and she said something along the lines of, "Your life is looking pretty good to me from where I'm sitting. Look at what you're sister is going through." And this was, I believe, one of the times my sister was in the mental hospital [which is something I would therefore be affected by] but to her I was being ungrateful. I said something like, "My life is not just a bucket of sunflowers." In which she responded along the lines of, "What? You're anorexic? Bulimic? Is that your BIG problem?" I denied it. Loudly. But looking back... .  OH! I would have gotten out of the car RIGHT then if it happened now. We were at a stop light! Ugh. To go back. Although, I probably wouldn't have the courage... .  Even now. :-/).

My Mom always flatly refused therapy and then when my Dad demanded couples counseling (partially because my sister was going through extremely manic bouts) my mom claimed the therapist was stupid or something. I think they tried two and they were both 'terrible' at what they did or something. Which might have meant they're great because they were making her face facts and talk about the hard stuff.

I love her so much when we're on. And when she's off but it's hard. I am more or less the only one who still speaks to her in my family and I am just feeling this HUGE pressure to sustain her, keep her alive, get her to go to events, provide her support, try to get her to do things that my family wants her to do but won't say themselves... .  

I've been having fits of crying late at night almost every night this week. One last an hour and a half and I was just reflecting on all the years of this. (I'm in college and far away but it still affects me so). After the bad night of emotions, I finally searched borderline out of insomniatic boredom and frustration with feeling so unresolved with my Mother about things. Dad was right. Mom has BPD. I thought I was so alone.

[justnothing]

So much of what you write sounds so familiar… It sounds like the message you kept getting while growing up was that it was "wrong" for you to have problems of your own. EDs are no small thing by any means… millions of people die from them… From what you describe, it sounds like it wasn't even good enough for you to not talk about it at all – you weren't even allowed to suffer in silence (she got the info from your computer and not even from you). I'm sorry about that. I hope you know that there's nothing wrong with having problems of your own and there is certainly nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and not just for her.

Speaking of looking out for her, it sounds like you feel under a lot of pressure to help her (or even make her) live a happy life by getting her to go to events and so on… I tried to do the same with my own mother (and also tried a couple of times to get her into therapy – with the same results that you got from yours) and after she died I felt like I should have tried harder… and sometimes still do… but the reality is that you really can't sustain and make these kinds of decisions for an adult. Your mother IS an adult you know… even if she doesn't behave like one and even if her attitude indicates that she wants and expects others to save her. You wrote in the title of your message "Loving mom. But it can be so hard"… I get that you were taught by her that "love" is all about sustaining her and fulfilling all her needs even when her needs are impossible to fulfill and at the cost of suppressing your own needs… but that's really not what love is about and it doesn’t have to be that way. You can love her without trying to "fix" or "save" her… she's an adult, which means that A) it's her responsibility to fix herself and B) doing it for her is impossible.

[MKG1015]

I love her so much when we're on. And when she's off but it's hard. I am more or less the only one who still speaks to her in my family and I am just feeling this HUGE pressure to sustain her, keep her alive, get her to go to events, provide her support, try to get her to do things that my family wants her to do but won't say themselves... .  

That is my mom exactly. Only I use the phrase "when she is my Mom she is great, when she is not it's bad."

I know you feel this pressure, I feel it too, but we have got to let it go at some point. It clicked for me when I was 17 and my Dad & Step Mom sat me down to talk about moving in with them. Stepmom said "tell me what you are so afraid will happen?" and I said "I'll leave and she'll kill herself and it will be my fault." They spent a lot of time telling me over and over it would NEVER be my fault if she did and, in my head, I believe them. However, you and I have that feeling in our hearts and that is hard to erase. Moving in with my Dad was the best thing I ever did b/c, like you, I learned he loves me and wants me to be happy. I was raised to believe he never wanted me and that I was the reason he left. More of her lies. Do not let your mother influence your relationship with your father it is an important one that will give you both support and healing.

Always remember that her choices are her own and they do not reflect on what you did or did not do. You are at college in another state? Enjoy it! I went 1000 miles away to school to get away from my Mom and loved 90%  of it because I got to be ME and not "so and so's daughter." Find out who Caria is and let her have some fun. Your mother is not your responsibility.