Broke nc

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Midway through this past week, she called me at 1130pm after 4.5 mnths NC. I answered the phone, unawares who it was, and quickly got off whe I recognized her voice. She texted me thereafter and said 'she was thinking of me, happy holidays.'

I was very angry the next day, but surprisingly the emotion subsided nearly completely by evening, and I slept well.

The next day she called agin, at 630am. I ignored it, but she left a VM. Three hours later, against my better judgement I listened to it.she was very kind, and implored me to call her.

I did.

She told me she is aware of her diagnosis and has been going to counseling for 4 months, including weekly T sessions, and weekly group support meetings. She told me she was terribly terribly sorry for the damage she had caused me, and that she felt devestated by what had happened. She had met a man (2 weeks after I left), and that she thought she was in love , although it was 'different.' She reassured me however, that I was the love of her life, and that she missed me and thought of me every day.

I told her that she had hurt me more than anyone ever had, but that I was also largely to blame, because I had used her to fill a bottomless emotional void in me.

She said she wasn't trying to reconnect emotionally, and that she just wanted to apologize.

Then we amicably said goodbye, wished one another a nice holiday, and hung up. It was a very mature intrraction (if I do say so myself ).

Now I am a wreck, and have been thinking about her nonstop for 3 days, wondering if it could work. My rational mind dreams Heck no, but my heart is pleading its case.

Has this happened to others. Please advise... .

[johnnyonthespot]

Midway through this past week, she called me at 1130pm after 4.5 mnths NC. I answered the phone, unawares who it was, and quickly got off whe I recognized her voice. She texted me thereafter and said 'she was thinking of me, happy holidays.'

I was very angry the next day, but surprisingly the emotion subsided nearly completely by evening, and I slept well.

The next day she called agin, at 630am. I ignored it, but she left a VM. Three hours later, against my better judgement I listened to it.she was very kind, and implored me to call her.

I did.

She told me she is aware of her diagnosis and has been going to counseling for 4 months, including weekly T sessions, and weekly group support meetings. She told me she was terribly terribly sorry for the damage she had caused me, and that she felt devestated by what had happened. She had met a man (2 weeks after I left), and that she thought she was in love , although it was 'different.' She reassured me however, that I was the love of her life, and that she missed me and thought of me every day.

I told her that she had hurt me more than anyone ever had, but that I was also largely to blame, because I had used her to fill a bottomless emotional void in me.

She said she wasn't trying to reconnect emotionally, and that she just wanted to apologize.

Then we amicably said goodbye, wished one another a nice holiday, and hung up. It was a very mature intrraction (if I do say so myself ).

Now I am a wreck, and have been thinking about her nonstop for 3 days, wondering if it could work. My rational mind dreams Heck no, but my heart is pleading its case.

Has this happened to others. Please advise... .

[rogerroger]

4 months of therapy really isn't that long. I don't think anyone can change too greatly in that amount of time.

But what about you? How strong is the emotional desperation you feel? Does it show that you are still vulnerable to manipulation? How would you not make the same mistakes you made before?

[Hope 4 a better day]

When I broke up with my X I sent her a letter on Mothers day in that letter I apologized for mistakes I had made. My intent was not to work things out only to clear the rubbish for my side of the street. Later she was criticizing me again for the same things I apologized for then I closed the door for good .As for them getting help 4 months is no time at all in Therapy. Just be careful as mine was quite an actress and could be quite convincing when she wanted to be. They can be very deceiving 

[OTH]

because I had used her to fill a bottomless emotional void in me.

This is a very vulnerable place to be. We can't fill a void in ourselves with someone else. Especially with someone who has a similar emotional void. Two people trying to mask their emptiness with drama and chaos. This sounds like a sure fire dead end. Are you looking into this feeling? Now that you are apart what are doing to take care of yourself?

[johnnyonthespot]

I've decided to continue NC.

I suppose to think 'what if' and 'if only' and of course one part of me is very jealous that this new bf gets to have a relationship with a girl who's actually working on herself. I asked her to go to therapy several times, but she always balked.

It's like a protracted death. Very hard.

[OTH]

Are you in therapy? How do you start repairing your own void?

She had met a man (2 weeks after I left), and that she thought she was in love , although it was 'different.' She reassured me however, that I was the love of her life, and that she missed me and thought of me every day.

If she is telling you the truth she has a lot of work ahead of her. This is classic triangulation (read definition).

Karpman Drama Triangle

[johnnyonthespot]

Yes I've been in therapy for months. We are concentrating thus far on what the need for that relationship says about me.

[oletimefeelin]

People really are bitter here.  Yes, four months is not a long time even for a healthier person that needs maturing.  For now, I'd take it as a genuine act.  She apologized and you got a chance to tell her how her actions made you feel. 

No contact is likely the safest path for you right now.  Understandbly, you are reeling from this interaction.  If you were to even entertain the idea of reconciliaton, she'd have to show that she's changed. How exactly she'd show that I have know idea?  Because their pattern is being unable to be consistent over the long haul. It's a giant risk.  One you'd have to accept.

Of course, you are "different".  You know that part of you being different is that you bring out the worst of your disorder.  You know that but she may not.

It seems to me that the phone call will be worthwhile for you.  So don't beat yourself up or anything.   

[johnnyonthespot]

I also believe that she was sincere, and that she is working on herself. But she is fortified within the cocoon of another relationship, so this makes it easier for her to be emotionally generous. Nothing really to lose... .

If she were single for the past four months and working on herself, it would somehow seem much more meaningful.

I really care for her, but I don't trust her. I'm going to stay NC although I don't regret making the phone call.

[myself]

I received one email towards the end where she said she was sorry for some things, that her actions had been out of line, how much I meant to her and that she still wanted us to work out. Dozens of negative texts and letters since then, taking it all back, blaming me for everything. If at some point in the future she ever apologizes again, I'd be glad to hear it but like you would not be very trusting of it. Like everything else, it would be of the moment, not indicative of actual deep change. Hoping it's true, but... .Good for you to see this for what it most likely really is. Keep on with your healing and detaching. Peace.

[OTH]

I also believe that she was sincere, and that she is working on herself. But she is fortified within the cocoon of another relationship, so this makes it easier for her to be emotionally generous. Nothing really to lose... .

If she were single for the past four months and working on herself, it would somehow seem much more meaningful.

Isn't there a contradiction here. She is with another man but telling you she loves you. Does this make sense to you? It is good you are giving yourself space to figure it out. Relationship recycling just shows how dysfunctional things are. Has your life become better since your relationship started or worse? You have been through a lot. Are you still considering reconciling your marriage?

Relationship Recycling

[johnnyonthespot]

Hey Skip,

My wife and I are fully separated, have been for 6 months. I am very very sad about that, and I struggle with what I've done daily. However, we had issues beyond my affair, and we both recognize that. As I said before, we remain amicable, and both genuinely have our childrens' best interests at heart.

I recognize that my feelings are contradictory and nonsensical, but isn't that kind of the point about this? My life is WAY worse since the relationship began, but I still have strong emotions for her, and its a daily struggle not to give in to them.

And for what it's worth, I i believe i love both my wife and my exBPDgf as well. Not possible?

[truefaith]

Hi,  Johnnyonthespot, are you still around?  I haven't been back here since December, because ... .  yep... I have been back in my not so good or morally right or healthy relationship.  Crap! How are you doing?  I need to find more people who are in my type of situation, but it has been a bit difficult given the circumstances. I'm not sure how to search what I need as far as support with out being ridiculed.  However, it seems as if you had  bit of an open mind given our circumstances.

Seriously, I had all logically thinking at hand and knew that "this relationship couldn't be real!"  How could it? But for the right or wrong in the eyes of others, and for what reason many probably would not probably understand, this person filled the void in my life, which I had never really understood or  had ever sought to replace.

So, although I knew, but came up with my own lame excuses, and damn was he convincing to the point that I was imagining things. My four plus year involvement with this man had now revealed that it was not just ME who he was involved with, and a common theme I am finding in these posts. Hmmm... .  and I thought I might have been different? You know how I figured that out... .  the kisses didn't last for days... .  and were only far and few between, and then forced. Of course I thought it was my fault, because I had I  tried to break off this relationship numerous times. And encouraged him to date, but he told me none of the womans he dated were me, and he didn't even kiss them. The thought of anything else sickens me damn it!

I may have made some mistakes in my time, but I believed him. Actually almost left my family for him.  I believed him because I wanted to!  So, a long sad intense story emerges  on December 28th.  I am there to support him, but only as a friend and no physically interaction anymore.  The problem is... .  he doesn't physically feel for me the way I feel for him at the time... .  because he says he's stressed out, life is hard, and times are tough. Me... .  I know... .  something ain't right... .  no man... .  well I don't know for sure, but I'm figuring, no man who is so intense with an intimate relationship would actually stop that type of realtionship with all opportunities to continue it for 6 weeks... .  hmmmmm... .  bingo!

I won't ask how I can be so maniputlated, because that goes well beyond the scope of this question.  The question is after confirming what I didn't, but did already know... .  how... .  how... .  do I let him go, and why in the hell would I still think I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE HIM!

So, last night I just confirmed that what was happening to us was and has been taking place for a long time. Yes, I have record and it sucks to be right! And that I have not in some time and never intend to rekindle our sexual relationship.  I try to do this gently because of the ramification that might occur and the threats of taking his own life, which is how I was drawn back in December.  Always a

trigger, an event , or holiday, or birthday!

Anyway, Knowing... .  proof... .  active proof... .  that he has said one thing to more than ... .  one woman and still trying to communicate with me... .  What a heart renching discovery when your mind knows what is happening, but your heart will deny it!

I thought I was letting him off the hook... Gently, and being boring, so no to activate his attack mode. Oops... .  that didn't work.  He is very intelligent, and smooth, and knows I specifically know something about his current behavior.

I'm trying to stay blunt, and uninterested as I close this thing off, but damn if it doesn't kill me at the same time!  A very sick, a very helpless, a very needed individual, and yet, after what I KNOW... .  I still love him?

How do I move on? How did you/are you still moving on?  I swear my IQ and emotional stability has changed in my life because of this person. I think for the first time in my life I may be experiencing a panic attack, and I help people who have these symptoms! How could I not treat myself the way I know how to, and in a healthy way!

I had to vent. I didn't know where, and just remembered your posts and your experiences... anyone else... .  I'm listening with a very heavy heart.

Truefaith

                                             


     

[OTH]

When someone else becomes the center of YOUR life. You have a major problem. What do you want for yourself? Are you closer or further apart from this goal?

Hi,  Johnnyonthespot, are you still around?  I haven't been back here since December, because ... .  yep... I have been back in my not so good or morally right or healthy relationship.  Crap! How are you doing?  I need to find more people who are in my type of situation, but it has been a bit difficult given the circumstances. I'm not sure how to search what I need as far as support with out being ridiculed.  However, it seems as if you had  bit of an open mind given our circumstances.

Seriously, I had all logically thinking at hand and knew that "this relationship couldn't be real!"  How could it? But for the right or wrong in the eyes of others, and for what reason many probably would not probably understand, this person filled the void in my life, which I had never really understood or  had ever sought to replace.

So, although I knew, but came up with my own lame excuses, and damn was he convincing to the point that I was imagining things. My four plus year involvement with this man had now revealed that it was not just ME who he was involved with, and a common theme I am finding in these posts. Hmmm... .  and I thought I might have been different? You know how I figured that out... .  the kisses didn't last for days... .  and were only far and few between, and then forced. Of course I thought it was my fault, because I had I  tried to break off this relationship numerous times. And encouraged him to date, but he told me none of the womans he dated were me, and he didn't even kiss them. The thought of anything else sickens me damn it!

I may have made some mistakes in my time, but I believed him. Actually almost left my family for him.  I believed him because I wanted to!  So, a long sad intense story emerges  on December 28th.  I am there to support him, but only as a friend and no physically interaction anymore.  The problem is... .  he doesn't physically feel for me the way I feel for him at the time... .  because he says he's stressed out, life is hard, and times are tough. Me... .  I know... .  something ain't right... .  no man... .  well I don't know for sure, but I'm figuring, no man who is so intense with an intimate relationship would actually stop that type of realtionship with all opportunities to continue it for 6 weeks... .  hmmmmm... .  bingo!

I won't ask how I can be so maniputlated, because that goes well beyond the scope of this question.  The question is after confirming what I didn't, but did already know... .  how... .  how... .  do I let him go, and why in the hell would I still think I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE HIM!

So, last night I just confirmed that what was happening to us was and has been taking place for a long time. Yes, I have record and it sucks to be right! And that I have not in some time and never intend to rekindle our sexual relationship.  I try to do this gently because of the ramification that might occur and the threats of taking his own life, which is how I was drawn back in December.  Always a

trigger, an event , or holiday, or birthday!

Anyway, Knowing... .  proof... .  active proof... .  that he has said one thing to more than ... .  one woman and still trying to communicate with me... .  What a heart renching discovery when your mind knows what is happening, but your heart will deny it!

I thought I was letting him off the hook... Gently, and being boring, so no to activate his attack mode. Oops... .  that didn't work.  He is very intelligent, and smooth, and knows I specifically know something about his current behavior.

I'm trying to stay blunt, and uninterested as I close this thing off, but damn if it doesn't kill me at the same time!  A very sick, a very helpless, a very needed individual, and yet, after what I KNOW... .  I still love him?

How do I move on? How did you/are you still moving on?  I swear my IQ and emotional stability has changed in my life because of this person. I think for the first time in my life I may be experiencing a panic attack, and I help people who have these symptoms! How could I not treat myself the way I know how to, and in a healthy way!

I had to vent. I didn't know where, and just remembered your posts and your experiences... anyone else... .  I'm listening with a very heavy heart.

Truefaith

                                             


     

[truefaith]

Thank you! You are right, where am "I " in this equation?  "We" may be better than "I" in some circumstances, which is why I communicate on this site. However, "I" need to focus on self in order to heal.  Sounds good... .  I am sure is good... .  and I know some of the tools and tactics because I preach it to others. So, the brain knows... .  but how do you... .  we ... .  walk through it?  Saying we are worth it, and that we are enough, is that enough to end the craziness?

[OTH]

  "We" may be better than "I" in some circumstances, which is why I communicate on this site. However, "I" need to focus on self in order to heal.  Sounds good... .  I am sure is good... .  and I know some of the tools and tactics because I preach it to others. So, the brain knows... .  but how do you... .  we ... .  walk through it?  Saying we are worth it, and that we are enough, is that enough to end the craziness?[/quote]

[nardila]

Sight, just when you were getting better after 4 months which is a long time, congrats on that.   As for her, I agree with some of the posts here, 4 months is not enough specially when she is in a relationship.   If she had been alone for 4 months that maybe an indication of change.  I can sympathize with you and in how you feel right now that she shows up again saying the things she is saying knowing how much you loved her. 

One of the reasons I got back with my BPD is because she started therapy which during this recycling round helped her a lot in identifying just how screwed up she is, which she admitted.  This is a good thing, but now she wants to be alone,    or so she says.  I am not sure how long this alone will last.  On one side i am glad she is doing this for herself, if it is true, in the other i am sad because we brokeup again.

Stay strong and keep investing your energy on yourself.

[OTH]

Whoops... .  i was just going to say I think learning how to care for our own needs better is something most of us need to work on. What do you think that would look like for you?

 "We" may be better than "I" in some circumstances, which is why I communicate on this site. However, "I" need to focus on self in order to heal.  Sounds good... .  I am sure is good... .  and I know some of the tools and tactics because I preach it to others. So, the brain knows... .  but how do you... .  we ... .  walk through it?  Saying we are worth it, and that we are enough, is that enough to end the craziness?

[/quote]